Emerald

That's funny. The process you described on my thread reminded me of spiritual autolysis, and I mentioned it in my reply.

Thank you.

So, enlightenment is a complete awareness that everything is in constant flux. When I had my 'ego-transcendence' experiences, I was free from attachment and not afraid of anything including death. So, I had no attachment to my own mortality or ego. I preferred to live and enjoyed life very much, but if I were to have died then I would have accepted it without resistance. This is one of the things that I missed most about those experiences. Now that I am not in that state of being, I have all sorts of attachments and resistances. One particularly problematic attachment, I feel a little nervous to share, because it's very personal to me and I go to great length to hide it in daily life. I really don't like it because it's "unbecoming" . This is attachment to my physical appearance and sexual identity. I am 26 years old, and I'm having insecurities about getting older and losing the attention associated with being a young woman. It feels like I have this identity and that I'm not really enjoying it or using it. But I have no idea what to do with it, what I want from it, or even the full extent of why it causes me such grief and attachment. I'm not trying to attract a mate, and I don't consciously get any advantages in life from it. I'm happily married. So, it's likely sexual instincts clashing up against social norms, in a Catch 22 kind of way. So, it becomes a weird kind of empowerment spiked with disempowerment. It is like a giant can of worms that opens up any time I try to exercise the more feminine aspects of my personality, especially anything to do with sexuality. I really hate the way that it makes me feel, because it gives me this really raw, self-hatred feeling. It really colors my identity (sexual and otherwise) in ways that feel really un-natural and stressful to me. It also makes me feel bitter and jealous that men don't have to experience this same sort of "identity death" until much later in life. I'm aware that this isn't men's fault, but it still upsets me and I have resistance to this part of nature. Either way, it's a major attachment that I have, and I suspect that overcoming it will be necessary before progressing further toward enlightenment. Several weeks ago, I posted about an experience that I had where it felt like my senses were "collapsing in on themselves" and like "I" was going away. I was only "brought back" when thoughts of these insecurities popped into my field of awareness from out of nowhere. I felt a really horrible, traumatic feeling after the fact. These insecurities have been on my mind 10x extra, ever since. So, I suspect that my ego is using these insecurities to sustain itself. Does anyone have any ideas of how to let go of a particular attachment, without repressing these thoughts or feelings?

I agree. I've done far too much rationalization. It adds more to the thought stories that I'm seeking to starve.

I have taken this one before. It was the one where I got 68 sexual 52 self-preservation 54 social. I'm going from memory but I took it a few weeks ago. I think this type of test is good for someone seeking to understand themselves rationally. It can help with making life decisions. But I've done a ton of rationalizing and I have also taken a ton of personal assessments (MBTI, Enneagram, Strengthsfinder, etc.). I feel like I know a lot about my feelings and where they come from. But I feel like, at this point, self-knowledge and understanding in this way may actually be playing into my attachment. It becomes more content added to the thought stories that I want to detach myself from. But thank you.

Thank you. This reminds me a bit of spiritual autolysis. I think I will try this in relation to ideas of worth and significance.

Spot on. I have a lot of comparison-mindedness. I think, for whatever reason, I've always felt a background sense of self-loathing. When I was a teen, I learned to stave off this feeling of worthlessness by engaging in various self-improvement tactics and achievement ventures. I developed myself as a thinker, hard worker, and as an artist (I'm a painter... ironically enough). I was really trying to self-actualize. Every time I would achieve something or out-do someone, I'd feel a short relief from my self-loathing. This put me ahead in life in many ways, but it was always spiked with some degree of negativity. Then, when I had my 'ego-transcendence' experiences, it was clear to me that I was struggling and striving for a sense of significance and battling a deep inferiority complex, by seeking to be "superior" to others according to the standards I had set. It painted me into a box, and I was unable to really be free. So, afterward, I sought to relinquish my achieving, self-actualizing nature. This was when my issues with vanity, came to a head. I had always had some issues, that I mostly kept under wraps and unconscious. So, I think that, when I stopped myself from achieving, I unconsciously sought another way to "achieve" and distract myself from the feelings of insignificance. So, instead of trying to achieve significance through personal contribution, I started to seek it by being attractive... which is far more problematic. But you are very right that this is the thing that I need to address.

That's true. Everything is always in a state of constant change. Change is the only guarantee. That's why this is frustrating for me. I know all of these things rationally, and I have even explored myself deeply and introspected on this issue many times. But the emotional attachment still remains and causes me much unnecessary distress. I think I just have to starve the thoughts of my attention through mindfulness while learning how to accept myself unconditionally separate from others' opinions of me. But I'm not a big fan of plastic surgery... especially on the face. It often looks really weird. Not to shame anyone for their choices, but it would be something that I'd want to do.

That's true. I suppose that I just want the two to go together. I'm fairly idealistic, so I want a particular self-image which clashes up against reality. However, if given the choice, I would choose to maintain my other virtues over looks any day because they are much more fulfilling. Plus, I'm not even Miss America in the first place, so it isn't like my looks have ever been my greatest strength. I've always valued my intellect and creativity more, and had more to contribute in those areas. My skills, talents, and personality traits give me a lot more positivity in my life. Also, if I look out at reality, there are a variety of different looking people and I value them for their personality and not their looks. I guess I fear becoming dull to the eye of the masses. I want to be an interesting and magnetic person, and I've come to equate a woman being interesting with a youthful appearance and sex appeal. It's likely an outgrowth of the media's influence on me, because I don't think that it actually comes from reality. Normally, the most interesting people are hardly ever the most attractive. But my ego distorts these facts, and tends to live in a world of ideals set up for only me to live up to. I've also had a lot of negative feelings, dating back to my childhood, regarding being female. I was indoctrinated into the idea that masculinity is much better than femininity. So, as a child, I adopted a more masculine persona and even felt superior to other of my female peers who showed evidence of femininity in their personality. When I was about 10 or 11, I used to ask other kids to hurt me to prove that I wouldn't flinch and outright refused to make friends with girls. Luckily, that phase passed before I got into middle school, but even then, I was always unconsciously trying to escape my femininity. Only when I was 20, did I realize that I had major issues with feminine repression and sought to reintegrate my feminine traits. I think this issue is sort of the residual effects of this early repression. It's a real bottleneck.

I would wager that, when the time comes, I will relinquish my current identity with more ease than I now imagine. It's normally the case. For example, when I was about ten years old, I remember thinking that I would be afraid to give up toys and cartoons when the time came. I was afraid of losing my identity as a kid. But I left childhood with ease upon becoming a teenager. I was the same in my transition from teen hood to adulthood. The primary difference here is that society's ideal view of womanhood is to be a beautiful young woman. So, because I'm very idealistic and want to be my best version, I want this part of my identity to appreciate in value like the other parts. Unfortunately, physical attractiveness is a depreciating asset, by its very nature. Men have some degree of issue in this way too, although society tends to value men for their contributions more than their physical appearance. So, there's more of a social give and take. Men don't rely as much on their physical appearance in the first place, so it's easier to let go of for them and for society. Ultimately, the primary issue is that I want some kind of significance. I want to be valued. It's truly an issue of self love, more than anything else. And my identities are at war with one another, in an egoic self-hatred battle. But I'm hoping that, with age, will come maturity and that I'll be so over this issue once I get to that point.

Definitely. I might have sounded as though I was saying I should detach from sexuality in the sense of stopping being a 'sexual' person. Sexuality is very natural, and I don't want to leave anything natural behind. I only want to leave the thoughts and assumptions that are barriers to my sexuality and authenticity behind. I want to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak... even though I know that the chaff is natural too. But I agree that sexuality just is. It is a natural force, and that it should be accepted and have non-judgmental consciousness applied toward it. But the attachments and unconscious/conscious beliefs that I have spike it with all sorts of negative emotions... so very often it leaves me feeling a little conflicted and very unsatisfied. It turns something that would feel positive into something that causes a lot of anxiety.

Thank you. Since being on the forum, I have come to similar conclusions about the present moment being the only thing that I can "know" for sure. Somehow, this has helped me in relation to straightening out things that are more on the metaphysical side of the coin, but not the mundane way... if that makes sense. It might be that I avoid taking apart the more mundane barriers because I'm not as interested in them, and they cause me more insecurity. But I will try to focus more directly on this idea in relation to my insecurities. Maybe bringing myself through the process of thinking about it and deconstructing it will be of help.

One that really threw me for a loop was about boundaries. When I was 20, I had two artificially catalyzed 'ego-transcendence' experiences where I felt and lived in a state of complete connection and oneness with the rest of existence, for a few hours. They were so amazing that I (foolishly) tried to replicate them in any way that I could. I tried a lot of stupid and harmful methods, where I was trying to push away practical truths and apply metaphysical truths instead. So, I decided that because I felt boundless during that time, the solution would be to have no boundaries between myself and others. So, this opened me up to a ton of negative influences... especially as a young woman. So, on the metaphysical level, we are boundless and intricately connected. There are no boundaries. On the practical level, we need strong and healthy boundaries to function in life. Here are a few more: - We have no free will. But if we behave in this way, our lives will be terrible. - There is no "me." But if we behave this way, our life will be dysfunctional. - All of life is an illusion. But we still suffer consequences within that illusion, if we let go of responsibility. - We should practice unconditional love and acceptance. But justice and accountability are important for helping society function. - Death is an illusion. But if you throw yourself into a wood-chopper, you will die.

Definitely. I think my problem has been that I'm treating these thoughts like they are somehow different from other thoughts. Thank you.

Hopefully so. It's very frustrating.

Certainly. I know that I'm not alone in this. It's a very human struggle. I know this to be rationally true. It's just a very uncomfortable attachment that my ego seems to be using like a shield.

From the ultimate perspective, there are no truths. But there are varying levels of illusion in which different "levels" of truth reside. From the mundane level, saying that you are one with the bears then trying to act as such is foolish, because you will die. From the more spiritual perspective, you can feel as though you are one with everything and that will be more true in accordance with the "ultimate perspective". Ultimately I only use higher and lower truths as a metaphor for understanding.

I should have specified what I mean by attachment. I think it would be most natural for me to embrace my femininity because I believe that I'm a mostly feminine person. What I mean by detachment is to detach from identities, thoughts, and feelings that are holding me back from being genuine and accepting what is: masculine, feminine, or otherwise. I've always been a naturally sexual person, so I can relate to the sexual obsession thing that you mention. It can be a major distraction. But there is a huge fear of missing out. It's like I have these barriers to my femininity/sexuality, so I can't fully enjoy them. Then I have this ticking clock echoed by social patterns, telling me that my sexuality is depreciating in value. Because my feelings about my own womanhood relate so much to sexuality, it feels strangely like I'll never really be the person that I want to be and even if I do get there it will only be for a very short time. It feels like my womanhood is going to be ripped away from me before I really get to enjoy it. So, I'm sort of fighting with two enemies, and they're both me. It's very frustrating. This is why I want detachment, because I can get more clarity about what is truly genuine for me. It will leave behind the false beliefs and assumptions to leave what it, which is always in a state of flux. I want to be able to accept that state of flux and to be able to accept reality without all the resistance.

I'm going to continue to keep myself up as long as it feels genuine. Dressing up and wearing make-up has always felt good and natural to me. Even as a child I always enjoyed things relating to beauty. So, that's not really what I mean by detachment. I think one of the issues is that I have a deeply ingrained resistance to the feminine principle in general, so I have a lot of resistance to that which is naturally feminine in me. When I had my experiences that I referred to, I felt a major up-surge of what I recognized as feminine energy. It felt very natural and powerful in a subtle way. Sensuality/sexuality was part of it, but there was so much more to it than that. What I mean by detachment is to understand that I am not the self-concept that my ego spins. All fear, including fear of death, come from the illusion of ego. So, I have this insecurity, but there is no "I" to actually have it. I suspect this insecurity exists as a mechanism to keep the ego hidden from being exposed. It's one of the ego stories that keeps it sustained. I would imagine that transcending the ego (permanently) is the only really effective way to get over all of these resistances to what is natural.

I do, and he does. But it's more complicated than that. What you're referring to are external expressions, and someone else's experience of me. I'm speaking more of my complex feelings of resistance to my own nature, sexual and otherwise. My insecurities are informed by so many different things (some that I'm conscious of an others that I'm probably unconscious of) that external expression of femininity, sexuality, or personality are always colored by my insecurities and antithetical self-loathing values; despite my best intentions to be "myself" without any qualms.

I will definitely check out those resources. I would say this attachment is very trauma-like in that it causes so much unnecessary distress. Since being on the forum, I have come to the conclusion that I'm attached to my past spiritual experiences. I'm currently working through that attachment. But I also use it for frame of reference, which I don't know if it's helpful or not. Thank you.

You may want to consider experiencing sex and other human things before committing to a life of monasticism. It would probably make it a bit easier to commit to. Giving up normalcy is difficult, but it will be worth it if it helps you to reach enlightenment. I never felt better in my whole entire life (even childhood) than when I had transcended my ego. I know that this will be the least of my cares when I truly "get there." Even death won't phase me, which is a constant semi-unconscious background fear now. Thank you for the video.

So, unconditional acceptance of these insecurities, feelings, and thoughts as well as unconditional acceptance of my inability to let them go. This makes total sense. It's very interesting how hearing something from someone else, helps clear things. Thank you.

Great advice. Thank you.

Then, I would say, go for it but don't neglect your studies. Have fun.