kieranperez

I'm having a really hard time trusting my intuition right now in terms of goals I'm trying to set as well as make sense of what I truly want to pursue and unleash my ambition towards. This is in the context of my sport as an elite/sub-elite middle/long-distance runner. I've just always had such a hard time really coming to terms with my intuition and if my intuition is something I can really trust. To be more specific as to my concern, how do I know my intuition isn't just some "in the moment desire"? For example, I may receive this intuitive desire to go pursue some new ambitious goal of some sort and then I commit to it. However, I've often run into a repeated problem where in the middle of my pursuit I get another intuition to go in an entirely different direction. Which leads me to losing all my desire to what I was originally pursuing and I was motivated to achieve and thus drop that goal for something else. Which becomes a repeating cycle which now has me so uncertain as to knowing what the hell I really want and not knowing how I can be sure if this desire is something I will want as time goes on as I pursue it. Could really use some help on this matter.

I've been trying to utilize the principle of how Awareness Alone is Curative towards my moralizing. I've identified which should-statements are most toxic in my life which @Leo Gura identified in the video regarding how to stop moralizing. For me, moralizing is pretty much the sole reason I sabotage all opportunities for change in my life and advancing even towards success. So I know this is the thing I know that I need to focus on most of all to unwire. Especially since I'm so out of touch with all senses of positive motivation and have little to know touch with knowing what my genuine desires are. So, I've been focusing all my meditation sits on Mindfulness Meditation with noting, labeling, and savoring for the last few weeks and am doing my best to be mindful and aware when I moralize, given the hands-off procedure that goes with the principle of Awareness Alone is Curative. However, I feel like this issue is such a deep addiction that I almost can't function without it. When I objectively observe my moralizing, I'll remain judgement free for a brief window in time but then I hit this confusing point where I become aware of how my moralizing is causing me to suffer but then keep moralizing because I thought that was part of the procedure in using this technique. At the same time though, I also just try to drop it altogether (moralizing) but that doesn't seem to work exactly given how addicted I am to making should statements. I get so frustrated by the fact that I have to let myself keep moralizing through this technique of Awareness Alone Being Curative that I actually moralize more to stop moralizing (man this is getting redundant) because it's so painful to see that given all these weeks I've been applying this principle I still haven't gained any traction at all with this. It's like I'm so pained from objectively watching myself in being dysfunctional when applying this principle and how I just want the change to happen already that I just jump to more moralizing so that I can "just stop already." Once I become aware of that though, it just get's to this dizzying cycle that I just quit the process because of how overwhelming and confusing this becomes. TIps? Advice? Anyone relate to this?

Leo's Top 64 Questions + my own additions to the list What is existence? How come existence exists at all? What does it mean for something to existence? Why is reality structured as it is? Are there other ways reality can be structured as it is? Why are the Laws of Physics structured the way they are? Which comes first, Consciousness or Matter? What is Consciousness? How does Consciousness come about? What is Matter? What is Space? What is Time? What is Energy? What is a thought? Where do thoughts come from? Who am I? What am I? What is outside the Universe? Is our Universe infinite or finite? What existed before the Big Bang? What is God? How does material interact with immaterial? What qualifies something as real? What qualifies something as material and immaterial? What governs what's possible and impossible? What is the speed/rate of Absolute Infinity? What governs emergent properties? Does existential value exist? Why does anything exist at all? What determines something is an object? Does reality have a bottommost scale? Does reality have a topmost scale? What sets the scale for reality to have a scale at all? Does the universe on the existential level have a purpose? Does the universe have an agenda? Does external reality exist at all? How did life start? Where did life all come from? How do we know what we know? How do we come to anything at all? How can I know anything for certain? Can anything be certain? What makes a justification valid? Can any truth be absolute? Are some truths not absolute? Why do billions of people believe in God? What makes something more true than something else? Why do people disagree about what's good/moral v. bad/evil/immoral? Is Good & Bad an objective truth? How come intelligent people delude themselves? What creates Consciousness? How can I trust myself? How do I know I haven't been indoctrinated? What is Science? Is there something more objective than Science? Does Science have limits? What purpose does Science ultimately serve? What is Mathematics? What makes Mathematics valid? What are the limits of Mathematics? What purpose does Mathematics serve? What is rationality? Is rationality a feature of the human mind? What are the limits of rationality? What is the most trust worthy process to determine what is true? How do we evaluate the limits of the human mind and how it derives what is true? How do other species see the world? How can we be certain about our knowledge? Why is human understanding taken as the ultimate truth? What are the blind spots of humanity? What is language? How do animals understand the world? How do we know we can trust anything at all? Which model of reality is most accurate? What is Truth? What is Understanding? Where does Understanding come from? What is the Ultimate Truth? What sets the standard for there to be an Ultimate Truth? What form does the Ultimate Truth take? Are there Truths that can't be comprehended? Is reality ultimately understandable? How do I/we know I'm/we're not being deluded? How can I be sure I exist at all? How can I be sure I don't exist? How did I come into Being? If I'm not in control of my thoughts, who or what is? Do I or do I not have a role in reality? If I have a role in reality, what is it? If I have a role in reality, how do I come to that truth? Why am I conscious? How come science has explained consciousness? Why does consciousness exist at all? How is perception possible? What unifies our senses? Are there higher levels of consciousness beyond that of the highest possible level of consciousness of a human? Does consciousness have a limit? How are consciousness's separated? Is consciousness actually all one, not actually separated, but human beings just aren't aware of it due to any limitations that we as a species might have regarding in our current collective level of consciousness? What are the laws governing Qualia?

@Leo Gura fuck that was a typo I swear!!

Just remember that all because you get an answer to this question that doesn’t mean you’ve truly grasped it. Contemplate.

I really don’t wanna take that much credit. The majority of this comes from @Leo Gura and I just expanded on a few of them. Really wanted to use this to help give me a better idea of what my PERSONAL Top 100 questions in life are that can help guide me in finding and living my Life Purpose

@Nahm not sure if that's a compliment nor what to make of that lol

You're basically asking 'should I invest in improving my life?'

title speaks for itself

Totally open to being wrong and please tell me if I'm off on this... What I've picked up from @Leo Gura's video introducing his/the concept of a sage is that it's a person that embodies true self-mastery that is not only devoted to Truth, but also embodies the highest consciousness virtues a person can embody. Sharing and raising of awareness in others. Also someone who lives up to true big picture thinking and understanding. They don't throw out conceptual/intellectual understanding despite their embodiment to spirituality in pursuit of the highest spiritual truths. Sages are students of all aspects/facets of life. So they are also student of say science as much as they would be students of say metaphysics and existentialism. I'm kinda watering down my view of what a sage is. I have more of a "mind's eye view" of what I think a sage is. I haven't done much Enlightenment work (just starting my journey towards "it") so keep that in mind... From my conceptual understanding so far of Enlightenment is the grasping of one's true existential nature and how the thing we call "the self" is an illusion. HOWEVER, as a side-note/question on the Enlightenment part, what I don't understand is when people talk about having multiple Enlightenments even when they grasp their existential nature. I understand (obviously on a conceptual level to some degree, I'm open to how deep my ignorance goes and much more I have to learn) that one can become conscious of say a cup for example. What I don't understand though is when I hear how someone can be "highly Enlightened." Is that just another way of saying that someone's level of consciousness is so extremely high? Again, I'm totally open to feedback!

Definitely going to @Nahm! Do you think it's implied though that sages are enlightened?

I’ve always been extremely sentimental. Like... to an extremely unhealthy degree. At 22, as embarrassing as this is, I still sleep with what’s the equivalent of my baby blanket. Every time I think of putting it in a drawer and moving on literally makes me cry... like right now. This goes for almost everything about my past. I don’t want to move on and accept the reality that my little brother isn’t little anymore. He’s 16. In yet, I cry because I miss him being little because the fact that that part of him is gone forever just makes me so sad that i start balling. I think I can honestly say that this is why I don’t want to change. I don’t like moving on. I feel bad moving on. I feel like a bad person. I feel so guilty. Like, I’ll get into this train of thoughts and end up honestly hitting myself because I feel bad and feel like a bad person. I want things back. I don’t like change. I’ll have these episodes where I think for example that my dad is finally dead and I’m standing at his grave and I immediately run to my dad crying so hard and hug him and just say that I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to let go of my sense of self I’ve always tied myself to. The pain of simply facing this is just so strong and I feel so upset that I almost don’t want to bear it. It feels like I have to hold on. It’s not okay to let go. How I don’t want to. It’s like this vow that I have that says ‘I will never let go.’ I almost don’t even want to ask for help for this because I dont want to but I know that I kinda have to...

So I'm facing an issue right now. I don't feel that needy for a relationship. I mean, I want an authentic one but I don't find myself feeling desperate by any means. I tend to feel really lonely but that I've really started to learn that that's just me being so out of place with simply being which @Leo Gura has talked about in the past. Now that I'm about to start my journey with Enlightenment, that's something I know I'm going to get a lot better with in time. However, I notice I'm totally ignoring people and relationships now at this point and not wanting to work on my skills with women. I'm confident with my looks so it's not really an issue with that. I know I'm a good looking dude that knows how to dress well and all that. I just feel so out of place though socially. I'm noticing I'm becoming more and more introverted. Which I know is not a bad thing. Hell, it feels more real now. Yeah I get lonely but hell, I have mastered myself yet so I don't expect myself to be perfect. I just out of touch because I don't feel in contact with anyone though. Like, I'm just not putting myself out there. I can make easy conversation but I don't even feel compelled to flirt anymore. The more work I try to do on myself, the more out of touch I feel with people. I do want an authentic relationship but at the same time, I don't feel compelled to go out there. I think part of it has to do with insecurity that I don't have anything going in my life yet. Like, I still live with my dad and little brother and 22 so I guess I'm concerned with the way I come off. I feel like I'm not a true independent man yet. I guess I just don't feel like I have much to show for myself. I'm kinda at a cross roads where I'm questioning all the things I thought I was passionate about but seem so trivial now so I don't really know what to say about myself now. Again though, because of all that I'm just totally ignoring people now. This has been good in a way because now I've really been shown that the people who I thought were my best friends really aren't since they don't bother ever reaching out to me. A tough reality but a helpful one nonetheless. I think what has me feeling stuck is my own sense of lack of substance and stuff to offer. So I just feel so unmotivated to be out there anymore. I'm scared I guess too.

Knowing enlightenment is not enlightenment in the slightest. As long as you put faith in your 5 senses and see that as reality, you’re not gonna be enlightened.

Not sure what that means or if that was a typo... Are you asking if I've been social with girls in the past? A little confused

Title is pretty self explanatory aha

Can psychedelics be an effective tool for tapping into true intuition and really give some great insight to help give myself a sense of direction? I find myself at a crossroads with #1 passion and I want to continue with it but I'm so stuck in trying to figure out what direction to go in. If so, does the choice in substance matter at all?

Holy shit I really don’t get this. It’s like day after day I can’t get a break with getting into some sort of ordeal or issue. Today I was walking my dog and she’s peeing and 3 guys walk by me and say “pick up her shit or eat it.” I swear I almost wanted to jump this guy but I talked some shit back (I’m really trying to tone it down) and that was the end of that. Earlier today I bust a hole in my wheel in my car. Yesterday I walk by my house and some dude out of the blue who I don’t know literally just says “you’re a fucking asshole.” I ask, “excuse me?” And he’s like “you and me. No police.” I didn’t fight this guy but I went to my dad and I got the blame because I’m made out as the troublesome kid that always gets into problems with people. This stuff is daily. Something is happening everyday. Yes I know a lot of it is directly my fault but it’s just the timing that’s like ‘holy shit! EVERYDAY?!’ I live in a great part in San Francisco too. People legitimately don’t believe me when I tell them what happens day to day because “no one has this happen to them. No one has this bad of luck. Maybe it’s you.” I get a lot of it is but holy shit, I walk down the street and I get called a piece of shit asshole and get threatened? All while I’m trying to work on myself? I truly don’t understand.

Smart move! I was going to say, that was a bit risky putting that material out there. Either way, I'm glad I got to see it. I got my entire commonplace set up now and am already using it!

Will be in your area soon I live in SF haha

@SmartFixer_OceanJjb @Joseph Maynor where in SF? I'm in Hayes Valley in the city

San Francisco, CA

I've never done psychedelics before. I've swayed away to be honest from @Leo Gura's Psychedelics for Personal Development Video since it was released until today and to be honest... I wish I never postponed watching it. I feel so much safer and at peace after watching that and feel a lot more relaxed and calm and have such a greater sense of trust with my mind after watching that. I owe you one, Leo! With that said, I want to preface that I already am on psych medication, which I have listed in a prior post but list it here along with my dosages again anyways... - Adderall XR 20mg (morning... although now I wait till after I do my mindfulness meditation) - Lamictil 200mg (100mg 2x p/day) - Abilify 5mg (night) - Prozac 60mg (morning) So keep that in mind before leaving me your tips, advice, and such. What I want to know though is if I can use psychedelics as a tool to help me breakthrough to reach say my intuition, hit greater visions for my life, so on and so forth. My focus is not on Enlightenment right now. Right now I'm really stuck by just no real motivation to do anything with my life anymore. My passions in my life have just been decaying over the years and the more I try to rekindle them or to go down different avenues, it just doesn't happen. I have so many great self-help books and what not and I don't have the heart to read them now. There is passion in me. I'm a runner. Running has always given me the most joy in life to such an insane degree. I've even reached a TRUE runner's high in terms of the dopamine effect. People exaggerate this but there are dedicated runners that go a whole lifetime of running and never experience this. I don't get pleasure from my running anymore. It's just become more baggage on me. I can't even journal anymore. The distinction I really want to get across is that I'm NOT looking for some external solution to fix all my problems. I'm just in such a low place with motivation, passion, drive, discipline, focus, etc. that I just don't do anything. I don't even like labeling myself a victim because I never make excuses that blame outside circumstances. I know it's on me. I rarely if ever put my problem onto others and stuff like that. If I fail a test, I know it's on me. Period. I know the resolutions to my problems in life come from within. Fuck I've been on psych meds (if you count my ADHD medication) since I was 6 years old 16 years ago. I started my first antidepressant/mood stabilizer 8-9 years ago at 13 or 14. I know this is not a solution nor a magic pill. However, if this is a resourceful tool (which boils down to my main question) that can awaken all that I feel has decayed and deteriorated over the years then I'm willing to have an open mind, do my homework, and give it a shot. Could psychedelics help with these matters and matters related to this and more? If so, what substances are worth looking into?

I JUST got out of my psychiatrist appointment 2 minutes ago and we’ve mutually decided to start tapering off ALL my meds (one at a time starting with Adderall)!! I’m so happy!!!

I'm very iffy about pursuing Enlightenment. I trust 100% what @Leo Gura has had to say about it and I don't want to just take him on his word either. I do want to reach this insight. However, I'm worried that I might not have a strong enough psychology to tolerate that kind of work. It comes off as so debilitating and hard that it can actually become destabilizing while I'm still working on my success. Not that I'm making success my #1 priority overall in life. However, it is something I do need to address right now. Can work on both Enlightenment and success be done simultaneously or at least be considered doable?