kieranperez

So it’s been a month since my last post on here and felt like giving an update. After getting off I actually started feeling a tiny bit better. I was starting to do some self acceptance and it came along actually in the beginning. I was walking on some old trails I used to run on in Marin County over the Golden Gate Bridge. That was kinda where it ended. After about less than a week in I started falling into a worsening depression I haven’t fallen in in years. Mental breakdowns have become basically a daily thing. My only friend who lives next to me isn’t a available for me to talk to him just to have someone to talk to so I’m alone everyday. My dad has been going off on me on how I’m a loser because my suffering “doesn’t make sense” and how I just need to “man up.” I wake up everyday feeling too numb to get out of bed. I’ve had to leave work early a couple times now because I’m barely able to hold back tears. My mind won’t stop. It. Just. Won’t. Fucking. Stop. I can feel even in my body that this entire self is something I’m holding onto in yet trying to drop even a single belief like “ I CAN’T” (my bottommost core belief) because my entire sense of self is revolves around this addiction to holding this belief. This entire self is just a giant lie. Everything I say is a lie. Everything I think is a lie. The way I hold my body is a lie. I don’t feel suicidal per say as I don’t want to resort to that. I honestly just want help. I feel like I’m truly not good enough and that I can’t. I just fucking cant. Relative to what isn’t the belief. It’s that I can’t. Affirmations and such have been a disaster. I’ll be on a run (and now I’m hurt) and when I start feeling that core “I CAN’T” and I affirm “I CAN”, so long as I affirm “I can” there has to be the underlying belief that “I can’t.” Ralston talks about this in his book Pursuing Consciousness when it comes to beliefs, self-images, ideals, etc. I feel like I’m going crazy right now and this is getting worse every single day. This is exhausting. I want this to stop and I deeply want help. I don’t want “just accept yourself more” as I live in a house and an environment that is driving me mad. Self acceptance doesn’t help me move out. I tried learning programming, following the advice of @Bluebird who kindly helped give me some tips, after about a week of not being able to focus (struggling still now being off adderall and with ADHD) and feeling totally confused and still frustrated because the thought of being another programmer just eats at me and also because it’s so hard because of my ADHD, I had to stop. I have a life purpose but honestly it’s so demoralizing because it feels so beyond me. I’m tired of this man I just want help. I’m tired of feeling so dead and numb. Depression feels like nothingness and pain. It’s a hollowness that literally eats you away. I can’t afford therapy, I can’t afford neurofeedback, I can’t afford a life coach. Why did I have to grow up with a mom who tried killing herself every week? Why does my dad have to moralize to me? Why did I have to put on meds to that hurt me more in the long run and didn’t help anything? Why can’t I drop this addiction to suffering and this goddamn identity? Why can’t I just stop my mind for just 5 seconds? I don’t want anything other than help.

Lol okay dude. Smoke a joint then get back to me when you’re ready to be more self-reflective.

Lol yes, everybody is brainwashed on here except you. Good one. Notice that. NOTICE THAT. Its funny. You’re not enlightened in yet you think you know what enlightenment is to the point where you think people should stop talking about it the way they are. People don’t need to change for you. You’re not special. Everyone is special so what makes you so special and entitled? And yes I am brainwashed. Hence why I go to teachers to brutally point out my own conditioning, brainwashing, projections, and fantasies. Notice how your entire position is about OTHER people and ignoring your own position and your own cute little stake in your game.

Lol that’s adorable Read what I said above again. Im telling you to stay in your lane with your projections of me and pointing out to you what I’m seeing. Idk where you’re seeing me preach to you the Absolute. I’m telling you to stop whining.

Not all enlightened people are the same. Differentiate an enlightened master from another enlightened person. Nor are all enlightened masters. A true Zen master for example has 0 interest in entertaining you with answers.

Information doesn’t prevent people from falling into cults. Their degree of self esteem, how vigilant one is, mental health, and what not does. Though I wouldn’t call Actualized.org a cult of course, you still see cult-like qualities with how people who follow Leo like a sheep by they’ve been imprinted with his language. That’s not a problem of Leo but of people who follow like sheep.

I know, the whole “false humility” tends to be a good line to not want to drop projections and introspect into your own bullshit. Good one. Any others in your toolbox you got? Notice how you assume you think I’m on here talking like I know everything. I’ve NEVER on this forum claimed to be awake or enlightened. I’ve said multiple times how I don’t know. I’m NOT enlightened. I’m NOT awake. Do I make myself clear? HOWEVER, I also have in-person teachers I now have in the Denver/Boulder who’ve gone farther than most on this forum will ever go that I’ve had the chance to talk to like David Loy, Ken Wilber, Doshin Roshi, etc. These people are not angry little children who rant at people. If you, some dude talking shit on a forum, are going to tell me you’re more awake than these guys, start living, talking, acting, and contributing like it and get off the forum. Notice how entitled you have to be to be in the position where you lecture people because they don’t talk about the spirituality they way YOU would like them to talk about it. I’m not a fan of keyboard warriors who just preach enlightenment. However that’s IS my prejudice. I’m not here to pretend it’s not a prejudice. Stay in your lane when it comes to what you think you know about me. You don’t know what you’re uttering.

What would you want to do about it if you had no fear?

His enlightenment may be legit but that doesn’t not make him a cult leader.

I can smell your shadow from here. Stop being a preacher over a forum. If you REALLY knew this to your bones you would be out living it and not talking shit on a forum. Your arrogance is nauseating. Someone who truly “owns” their enlightenment doesn’t act as arrogantly as you are. They are not nondual preachers on how deluded other people are. Talk around a REAL enlightened master like this in person and he’d stare at you like you were scared prey. Show some humility.

I swear he’s degrading

And what does she say that is? What is her divine purpose? I appreciate the story Speaking just honestly, I guess I’m still stuck, lost, and confused with what and how they actually help in our own lives and how we can use or rely on them to help push for greater selfless contribution other than just having different experiences. Speaking personally, I’ve had many consistent unintentional OBEs, siddhi experiences (one in which I don’t want to talk about), and what not and every time these paranormal experiences, I still feel like “so what?” I don’t really feel satisfied despite how crazy it can be. From my own standpoint (not speaking for you of course) I come back and almost feel dooped because I realize there’s still no Freedom nor the Truth that I seek in these experiences. I hope this is making sense and I don’t want to come off like I’m downplaying what seems like a fulfilling path for you. This is just where I’m personally stuck and confused.

Do you enjoy your spiritual practice? Do you find joy in doing your practice? I think the thing that has me wanting to pursue and practice the occult is create my richness to my own life and experience.

You projected yourself into the White House and opened Donald Trumps heart chakra to love all beings?

Seeing a YouTube video doesn’t replace knowing what someone is like in person

@Leo Gura and anyone else, have any of you guys taken any of Ralstons courses? Which do you recommend? I personally really want to take Transcending Self and the one on Contemplation. Does Ralston (regardless of courses or workshops) ever go into what the different domains and ways of learning? When I hear him talk about this on YouTube I’m stunned no one is ever yelling “what the hell did you say? I could learn how to do that?!?!” I really want to learn how I can question, observe, investigate, learn, etc. as openly and powerfully as he does.

@Matt23 I’m curious... what is he like in person? I don’t mean from some place of like “does he radiate love and bliss?!” and what not but what is it like to talk to him, listen to him, and be around him? I talk to Brendan Lea a bit now on Facebook but try not to ask questioning that may come off as though they from a place of fantasy.

Just realized that the reason I can’t stop thinking all the time is that all thinking is done through symbols and concepts. This became so overwhelming because I’m realizing how EVERYTHING I related to (myself, every thing in my own experience, my very own bodily feeling, my thoughts, my emotions) are entirely and completely dominated by my own concepts. What was more stark was when I realized I couldn’t just drop it (the term “conditioned mind” is so appropriate). As I was going through some exercises from The Book of Not Knowing I realized “ALL of these are beliefs! I’m relating to nothing but my own beliefs!” The very fact that I’m laying on what I call a bed is actually just me relating to my own belief that it is a bed! Concept and belief are virtually the same (at least based on my current self-experience).

Imagine what would happen if Michael Jackson knew how he could project his astral body into the room of another little boys room. Some techniques are better kept secret.

@SQAAD what is it that you’re calling knowledge? What is it that you’re looking at if you take away you’re knowledge from it. Look at you’re screen and perceive it without knowing it as a screen. @ 1:40

There’s a really powerful thing in there where he quotes a friend of his @ 12:09 into this video “a vote for Makron today is a vote for Lepen 4 years from now.” I had to pause that and think about that as a voter and also how we look at strategic systematic change down the road. I thought for example: How Trump for the world actually is progress in that he shows the world certain truths about the nature of selfishness, ethnocentricism, opportunism, division, and much more which brings rise to more collective awareness to the very problems of those issues. Which will create greater inner turmoil within the collective until there’s a collapse and fall of some kind that requires greater unification than prior. As Hegel put it, “break down or break through.” He seems to be someone that has a good understanding of the oppprtunity and progress within seemingly ugly times. A bit of a character to watch talk but I think what I find most interesting is the lense at which he looks at things. How it is he’s viewing things. Good political philosophers/scientists (though rare) have a very unique view like that at how they’re framing geopolitical issues.

I second that. Haven’t come along a quality thread like this in awhile

@Matt8800 thoughts on time travel via siddhis/occult?

@whoareyou no one else is responsible for another’s decision when made clear not to do it. Leo has said in several videos not to mix the 2. I don’t know how much more he needs to communicate it.

Amen brother. Amen.