Kimka

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Posts posted by Kimka

  1. Posted

    10 minutes ago, ZGROPIUS said:

    Through reading these words, a wave of tender warmth rose up my back. 

    God......                                 ..........no wonder you keep going through this.

     

    I’m not sure if you’re being serious or sarcastic?

    it can be pretty confusing at times. But seems like this relationship is making me realize things that was previously very much unconscious to me.

  3. Posted

    54 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    Keep in mind, if nothing matters to him, then YOU don't matter to him.

    Good point. I told him this. Mind you we were on acid when he told me that nothing matters.

    He told me that nothing matters except from one thing, and that is love. He told me that he is love. That I am love. We are made of the same, that why we have to be together. 
    It was a really beautiful experience at the time. But if I’m gonna be honest I’m cringing a bit right now.

  5. Posted

    6 hours ago, OBEler said:

    @Kimka I would just have a talk with him. Say directly what you dont like. 

    People here giving you advice to leave without contact him are not empathetic to him. He should know the reason otherwise he will suffer very deep and his drug Addiction will go out of control 

     

    Yes I really appreciate all the consideration people here have it warms my heart. But I wrote in one post that it that be difficult to just leave because we’ve been together for 5 years, have 3 dogs together, a house. So it’s real difficult. 
    but it’s also super difficult to discuss things with him, he gets very defensive and doesn’t see a problem. Except when he’s on coke, he gets like super calm and really listens to me. But when he sober he can make fun of me and my concerns I expressed to him. Really wierd I know. I just wish he could see how his actions are hurting me and us.

  6. Posted

    6 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

    Maybe It's a good plan but it requires great willpower and self-control. in my case it never worked, the same as with other addictions. What did work is making me aware of myself and the process that led me to fall into certain practices. The last time I was in a sick relationship based on drugs and madness that I couldn't get out of, it happened that one day I couldn't look that person in the face. it made me physically sick. The same thing happened to me with tobacco, with marijuana, with mdma, with cocaine, with bad food, with everything. if it were not so, it would only have replaced one toxin with another. it's enormously difficult to know how to act when you're that way. The only solution for me is go to the cause, not to the effects 

    I’m trying to do this, get to the root cause. Otherwise I know I will get in another toxic situation.

  7. Posted

    7 hours ago, flowboy said:

    When people are that toxic and you're that vulnerable to their manipulation/charm, then it's better to just escape with no contact.

    Each time you let him call you or see you, you risk being convinced, charmed or threatened back into the life that will lead you to an untimely drug overdose and a stillborn baby.

    Yes, just go, and you better have changed your number and found a good therapist by the time you're 30 :)

    I'm rooting for you.

     

    Gameplan

    Go in the morning so you can get a head start.

    Drive 4-6 hours to another city on the way, before he finds out.

    In that city you copy the phone numbers of your most important friends and family to your phone memory, delete his number, throw the old sim card in the trash and buy a new temporary one.

    Also block/delete him on all social media, and delete the social media apps from your phone temporarily.

    Then just keep driving until you reach your destination.

    There's always a moment of cold feet, regret, and we want to prevent him being able to talk to you.

    Leave a note if you want, to make it feel like closure. Accept that you're never coming back.

    But hide the note so that it will take him a day to find.

    Prevent all contact from the moment you start driving.

     

     

    Also: realise your part in all this. You're still going to be very vulnerable and attracted to other toxic guys for a while after.

    So don't make the common mistake of landing in someone else's arms.

    They are also not going to be healthy, even if you think so.

    Just get some healthy friends, a place to stay, and a good therapist.

    First of all thank you for all the time and energy you take to write these posts. 
    I think I was to adjust some things to this game plan. The thing is we’ve been a couple for 5 years. We have 3 dogs and a house together that I would deeply miss. I have all of his friends and family on social media. Last time we separated I moved in with my parents and if I would leave that’s where I would go and he knows them and knows where they live, If he wanted to get a hold of me. Our lives are very intertwined. His family has actually been really great to be. He has a complicated relationship to them. He hates his mom but her and I have a great relationship and she has been there for me. She even told me she will help me if I decide to leave him.

    I hope to find a good therapist as well, I really need it. Thank you for all the support❤️??

  8. Posted

    8 hours ago, puporing said:

    I don't know if internet is the best place for this. Maybe talk to a therapist, or some alone time, not to get advice, but to have a safe neutral ish space to sort out your own true feelings, even if it's conflicting. Because at the end of the day, we don't know you, or the guy, and people project things that may or may not be true.. all the best.

     

     

    I wanted to go to therapy, I got a letter for my anppointment and my bf was like why do you need a therapist? They just want you to feel bad so they can take your money, I client that feels good is a lost client??‍♀️ so I try to journal out my feelings. I also spend time alone in nature.
    When I leave I think I will go to therapy to process all this. This post is just the tip of the iceberg of everything going on.

    thank you❤️

  9. Posted

    On 2023-02-02 at 10:38 AM, flowboy said:

     

    The definition of codependency is an unrealistic hope that people will change.

     

    What's the root of codependency?

    Almost always the relationship with one or both of the parents.

    If your dad (or mom) was never attentive or loving enough in some way, or emotionally manipulative, always putting you down, or always needed you instead of being there for you in the way that you really needed, you have two choices: accept that he will never love you and be there for you in the way that you need (hopelessness, unacceptable to a child), or decide to struggle to change your parent into the person you need him to be, who can love you the way you need.

    With such a history, people start dating as adults, and then they go looking not for the people they need, but the people who they can struggle to change into the people they need them to be.

    And it never works.

    See, this is the stupid boring pattern that you're caught in.

    It's just imperfect parenting, making you want to seek out this loser and die of an overdose with him, thinking it's romantic.

    It's not.

    It's boring and hopelessly cliche.

    Millions and millions of women have died because of loyalty to a toxic boyfriend, and nobody remembers them or thinks that's cool.

     

    Your parents fucked some things up, now you're codependent. Is that worth throwing away your life over?

    Because you could also escape this relationship and get therapy and have a great life.

    Just don't forget the therapy, because codependency is not a habit that you can simply unlearn.

    I had my mind blown today. 
    I don’t have a therapist but I enjoy writing so I journal a lot. I have this ritual that when I have full written journal, I go through it to read all it, to get like another perspective. Then I throw it in the fireplace to keep my privacy. I did this today.

    I started this journal like 9-10 months ago, and the things I wrote about today was some childhood stuff. When I began to read what I was feeling in my adult relationship, it was almost identical to how I felt as a child. Both in my relationship and my childhood I felt I can never be myself, or else I’m rejected. I have to make sure that my parent/partner is taken care of, and it’s more important than myself. When I was a child my parents drank alot and were having fights, screaming and stuff, and I was the mediator between them, so they both came to me complaining about their problems. I tried to solve them even though a child that age don’t understand relationship and the problems that can come with it. Our brains are so fragile. I was like maybe 8 years old when it started. My younger sibling were always very distressed about this situation so I was busy taking care of her needs. I never showed my emotion or that this bothered me. I just shut down.  I notice I do the same with my boyfriend. My father even told me I act like a mother in my relationship. I was always the “easy child” who never bothered, very mature for my age. Yeah no wonder, cause I was raised to act like like a parent to my parents and my younger sibling. Nobody gave a fuck about me and my feelings. So I attracted a person who makes me feel the same in adulthood as a did a child. 

    I started to google some of this behavior and apparently it’s called parentification when caregivers and children switch roles. And it’s common to get into these abusive relationships as an adult because parentification is a form of emotional abuse. Because your parents were emotionally immature I have a partner that’s the same. This is not like an excuse or anything. I just wanted to share because I really got awareness today of all this. Psychology is interesting and an amazing tool. 
    therapy might be good for a neutral perpective.

  12. Posted

    22 hours ago, flowboy said:

    Yes you can leave, it's very simple.

    Block him on all social media, get a train/plane ticket and go.

    Then get a new phone number and throw your old sim card away.

    If you don't do it now, you probably won't live till 30.

    Is that what your parents and family wanted for you?

    Is it what you want for you?

    I’ve thought about this. i have my car so I’m just gonna pack some things and leave maybe when he’s at work. I guess there’s no point to break up with him in person?

    im actually turning 30 next year?

    no, I want to have a family on my own but now with this guy under these conditions. 

  13. Posted

    9 hours ago, Osaid said:

    You said yourself you're an introverted people-pleaser, so I can understand how hard it can be to sever a relationship. But, you have to learn to stand up for yourself and do it. Do it out of love and respect for your own self. Stop neglecting your own desires and beliefs for other people. Learn to say no. It's not loving to stay in a dysfunctional relationship. And, it's not necessarily not loving to stay out of a dysfunctional relationship. Maybe you leaving him will make him realize he needs to change how he is. It's not so linear.

    Are you gonna start inviting every single homeless person you see on the street into your house just to prove you have love for them? Where is the line? There has to be a line.

    Yes. Boundaries are so important, especially stuff like this because it gets you it to trouble when you don’t have any. Me starting to get aware of these things helps me bring them up to the surface. When I met him a couple of years ago I was blind to all of this. So I see it as a good sign. Trying to be able to self reflect and not get defensive

  14. Posted

    19 minutes ago, WelcometoReality said:

    Yeah, it takes alot of courage to admit you've made a mistake. If I were in there position though I would feel relieved that you had come to me and asking for help to get out. I'd help you in a heartbeat. Maybe there's some internal resistance in you that makes it hard to reach out? I know I've had a hard time to ask for help when I've been struggling in life. Basically it's been about pride for me. "I can take care of myself" mindset. Maybe there's something else for you though?

    It’s a pride thing for me too. My family and friends saw the red flags pretty early and been telling me this guy is no good but I didn’t believe them. I recently started to see it because it became so obvious. So I feel it’s hard for me to admit that they were right. It was never going to last. I wanted to prove them wrong. But honestly, my family is great and I believe they would be really happy to have me back in their life, they even expressed that, that they miss me. 

    I think in some bizarre way, some of my needs are being fulfilled in this relationship. I feel special because I told myself our history and connection we have is unique and I can’t let that go to waste. I invested so much. I think I’m afraid to be alone with my negative thoughts about myself. A relationship is like a conformation that at least somebody wants you. 

  15. Posted

    18 minutes ago, Israfil said:

    Say you miss your family and spend a week with them, without your boyfriend. Try being clean.

    He won't change. He will die on this hill and bury you with him if you let him. I know you love him, but would you give up your whole life for that love? Would you give up the chance of finding healthier love for your sick love?

    You're not giving up anything by leaving him. You're regaining your freedom. Take back the control of your life. 

    I know this deep down. I know I’m destroying myself for this love. He is a copy of his father who was a heroin addict for his whole adult life and passed away pretty young. They both look alike and behave alike. My bf basically tried all drugs except heroin, and that would definitely be his downfall. I know it’s likely he will go down the same path as his father, especially if I leave him. His family told me I’m his first normal girlfriend. 
    I don’t know why, but I’m afraid he will think of me as a bad person if I leave him. Like I wasn’t loyal enough to stay. Because I preached to him a lot about true love, and that you fight for someone you love and don’t give up. I believe this because my parents have the most amazing marriage and are still happy and in love after 30+ years and I wanted to have that. But I guess not with him. I almost tried it all and I don’t wanna be miserable anymore. 

    I hope I will have the courage to just get out. I know now I have to, to save myself. 

  17. Posted

    13 minutes ago, VeganAwake said:

    I have a friend that believes all that same stuff, especially about the Jews LOL.

    Notice nothing matters also means there's not a problem with cleaning up and enjoying life with companions also.

    Usually when there's behavior like this there's underlying issues ...ie...depression, anxiety, need to escape reality, trust issues, addiction, past trauma ect.

    "Nothing matters" is pointing out that there's no real meaning, purpose or value. There's not an end goal which needs to be obtained in apparent life. The freedom to do or not do!

    ♥ 

     

    Yeah he has all kinds of issues so I think his way of thinking is a distraction from the things he doesn’t want to deal with. I really want to believe in purpose, and that things matter, It’s just up to each and everyone to define what does matter. I can think of many things ❤️??

  18. Posted

    38 minutes ago, OBEler said:

    @Kimka I recommend 5 meo dmt. There he can see that he and jews are the same.

     

     

    And maybe introduce him to actualized.org. Maybe leo's Video can give him New perspectives. But I feel he will hate it. 

    Yes this is exactly what he would need. I also wanted to try 5 Meo and watched leos videos about it but it seems impossible to get at least in my country:( Really hope to experience this someday 

    I know he could resonate with some of it, but as soon someone challenges his believes and narratives he gets super defensive and just start hating them(like he does with the jews) 

    he really needs a wake up call

  19. Posted

    36 minutes ago, Osaid said:

    This is a very common insight that the ego latches onto and uses for its own benefit. This is called spiritual bypassing or Zen devilry. Obviously, there are a lot of things that matter to him and he finds meaning in.

    I mean, he literally says that "he doesn't like psychedelics". That is a value system right there. It matters to him.

    What really happens is a recontextualization where you realize how meanings and values are relatively projected through your imagination. That's all. Not that meaning is bad, or false, or invalid. These are all actually extra meanings snuck in by the ego. 

    Here are helpful videos by Leo on the matter:

     

    I have been on this kind of track to figure out what he means by his believes. I’ve watched both of these episodes and I even found a thread here in the forum were they discussed zen devilry and Leo had described it in one post, and printed it and send it to my bf and he was like yeah that’s exactly what I am. Proudly. I told him I don’t think this is something to be proud about. 

    thank you for helping me clearing this up and understand this concept more. I’ve always had kind of a bad feeling about all of this and I’m slowly beginning to get why. I think I’ll rewatch these videos since it was some time ago to refresh my memory. 

  21. Posted

    34 minutes ago, ZGROPIUS said:

    ?????????????????✨☹️MY GIRL. This sounds sooo00000gOOOOOOOD. I feel the clean and pure blue sky while I'm looking out from your van, I saw limpid green coloured trees flying through the side. The smell of clean cold air and shiny pump feeling arise from my stomach. This feels so good. And NOTHING like what you describe your boyfriend's situation. You can be so happy. Your life can be so good.

    Oh how I love this visual. I can really picture this. Just feeling the cool fresh breeze of newness and freedom. Out in nature all the time, my favorite place. This is my dream. Also leading some new skills along the way. Maybe take up a new language. And surfing, skydiving, skating, going on adventures, experiencing new cultures and people. I think I want this because my future self already have it???

  23. Posted

    8 minutes ago, r0ckyreed said:

    It sounds like you and your boyfriend have different perspectives on the use of drugs and the meaning of life. However, it's important to note that the idea that "nothing really matters" is a common but ultimately unhealthy mindset that can lead to negative consequences, such as drug abuse and depression. Substance abuse, particularly with drugs like cocaine and ketamine, can have serious impacts on one's physical and mental health, and can lead to addiction and other dangerous outcomes.

    Furthermore, using drugs as a means of escape or to avoid dealing with life's challenges is not a sustainable or fulfilling way to live. It's important to find healthier ways to cope with stress and negative emotions, such as therapy, exercise, and connecting with loved ones.

    Finally, it's up to you to make your own choices about what activities and substances you want to engage with. It's important to prioritize your own health and well-being, and to seek help if you feel like you're struggling with substance abuse or any other issue.

    It really just comes down to what makes you fulfilled.

    Yes we are basically complete opposites. This attitude is exactly why his life is like this I believe. I do think stuff matters. Creating a meaningful life with loving relationships. Being a good person. 
    His philosophy is that you can do whatever you want as long as you’re not hurting anybody but his abuse is hurting me, his family, my family. And his hurting himself. 
    He doesn’t believe in therapy. He believes everything mainstream is shit. That they don’t care about helping him and just want his money. Therapy for him is doing drugs. I think there is a major difference in doing hard drugs vs psychedelics. Sure you can abuse psychedelics as well as an escape from real life. 
    It really helps to write all of this and hear your perspectives. This has been going on for so long that I normalized this. I think I’m dissociating a lot as well in my daily life. All of you think it sounds insane, and writing all of this, I have to agree. 
    Im gonna try to take care of myself, heal my traumas and start over. 

  24. Posted

    8 minutes ago, ZGROPIUS said:

    @Kimka Even just through reading this I feel SICK. Do you have anything that you wish to achieve? I will not let people who act like this interrupt my life plan, take up my time and the things I love. They do not hurt my values. You can feel that too. This shit person can no longer help you developing yourself anymore. Even you follow a great master it's still so hard to get progress. Don't fool yourself. Now his shit just dragging you down. 

    I understand that. I feel very unhealthy. I guess I’m allowing it because I’m also toxic in some way. I try to realize this during my trips, maybe I should up my dosage.

    my dream would be to explore the world. I would love to own a van and travel alot with my little dog. I just want to feel freedom. I want to heal my traumas, meet amazing likeminded people and enjoy my lifep

  25. Posted

    7 minutes ago, OBEler said:

    @Kimka 4

    @Kimka I am very sorry for you. A mental ill Partner will make you a hard time. Maybe it takes 5 to 10 years to get him out of this fucked up mindset. 

    Watch out for codependency 

    I am so sorry for you 

    If he only could do more psychedelics. Then at leas you can hope that he will have a breakthrough where he sees his toxic mindset. 

    Thanks for your empathy and kindness. Like I said in my previous post I feel so ashamed about all this. So it means a lot. 
    I’m already very codependent. My biggest wish would be for him to see his toxic behavior. He told me like 2 years before we met he had a trip that changed his life. He took 5 tabs of acid and understood all the harm that he caused and realized he was a drug addict and he quit everything. He tells me know he’s substance abuse is “under control” but to me it sounds like denial. He’s also scared of tripping to often, while I like it a lot because I get more perspectives and self awareness, even though it can be hard to realize toxic shit about yourself I want to strive to become better so it’s worth it to me. 

    The sad thing is that he’s too caught up in all these conspiracy theories when we trip. I think it’s a distraction from his own toxicity. So he projects it to “the Jews“ and “the elites”, instead of looking at his own shit. Do you think psychedelics could help? Any particular substance or dosage?