h inandout

I am going to quote Elizabeth Gilbert from Big Magic here, "To yell at your creativity, saying, "You must earn money for me!" Is sort of like yelling at a cat, all your doing is scaring it away, because you're making really loud noises and your face looks weird when you do that." It feels so good to have this validated. Believe me I tried think of ways to make money on my passion, but it's just not gonna happen. And it puts waaaay too much pressure on me to perform, when really I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm trying to do something new here damnit! Why should I be so demanding of myself. This is why I have been failing. I took the "make money on your passion" bit too seriously and have had to change jobs a billion times. When my goal is teaching, all I wanna do is sing. When my goal is singing, all I wanna do is study health. Can't I just find an appropriately less passionate job that keeps my head above water!?

I have a really rough time on weed, but mushrooms don't bother me. Mushrooms can bring up weirdness and insecurities, but it passes relatively quickly and actually usually turns into some kind of healing, especially if you are in a safe place. I could give you more advice but you're already well on your way. Your own innate sense of curiosity will guide you in the way your unique psyche most needs it. Neuroplaticity is so beautiful to visualize!

@pluto That was really sweet. I realized that I have forgotten my deep appreciation for magic over the past 6months. What this reminds me of, though is that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

@playdoh OMG this is so fun to watch from our perspective. You must tell us when you figure it out! My tiny bit of advice is that you have to dislodge your attachment to rational thinking. How? Just do things ever so slightly differently tomorrow. For example, shower in the evening instead of the morning or whatever you come up with.

After I became everything and nothing and all of the voices of the world collided in me, I felt quite blissful, for a short while, and then I knew it wouldn't last. For months after, I would journal, play and read books all in an attempt to piece a me together that was the most profoundly whole possible. During this time, I was blessed to be around the MOST INCREDIBLE climbing tree (or I "manifested it" if you wanna be all arrogantly mystical about it, which I totally was, lol) I learned how to climb in various was and it really was magical, and I realized I never got to climb trees as a kid and how much that had hurt. I looked at what else in my childhood I could reverse. It felt like I was in the movie Memento. No concept of self, except for clues that I had left myself as tattoos (or in my case a journal, and yes, actual memories). I played the game, what if I had an ego? What would be the most meaningful thing she could do right now?

@Moreira I'm wondering if you hear the paradox in what you just said?

Deep down, you want god to be some distant entity who can't hug or hold you, because your parents programed you to hate yourself. You needed someone with harshly neutral opinions to project all your desires for self-improvement (aka self-hate). I just want approval. Like literally. I need someone to tell me that my life has enough value that I'm allowed to exist and contribute. And that's never gonna happen because my mother hates me and I hate her, and even when I find some potential for an ok life, well isn't that just unacceptable. Fuck me! I don't need a fucking lecture. I need humanity.

@Melwyn I've been doing a lot of this work for a long time, and I can tell you, if you just start doing the exercises, it will be annoying and take a few hours. Just keep doing them. Yesterday, rather than staring at my face in the mirror until I felt better, as the self-love exercise suggests I wrote in my journal, "I love and accept myself exactly as I am." And then I wrote one observation (good, bad, or ugly) in between lines. I seemed to neutralize the feeling of my skin crawling, and the observation part helped my mind stay focused. I also had a cup of coffee, which I did allow myself after having worked so hard to quit caffeine because I had to teach a class, and I needed to get out of that funk. So the two, in combo, seemed to relieve me from despair for long enough. There is a place where you can actually look objectively at all the bullshit you've survived, and actually kind of laugh at it and have fun with it. It is real and achievable.

@Leo Gura Thank you. Apparently I got sucked into hopelessness again, but the this did help.

I already speak English, y domino el Español también.

Yeah, somatic therapy is really fascinating to say the least. I haven't seen a therapist but I have gone through a sacred body mapping course. I am drawn to your post tonight because I'm feeling the darkness around me. Everything is going right, and I've been working really hard to get it all just right, and now that things are about to take off, I feel like shit and I'm teetering on self-sabotage. I hate everyone. I can't help that I've been programmed to distrust success, and that I have no one in my life who really gets it. But I do know some somatic visualization processes. Perhaps I will try one now...

I love you all! I miss the like button :,( It will probably be basic Chinese for now because I just signed on to teach English online to kids in Beijing. But my deeper interest, more recently has been Ayurveda, so I did get rolling on the Hindi for a hot minute, and wouldn't be opposed to Sanskrit (which would be most fun studying through Kirtan! - or even Tibetan through chanting). I never really used Spanish except to get over my stage fright (because I can easily enter an alternative personality). The process of learning it, however, is one of those slow cooking style experiences. The slow simmer brings out subtle notes in the psyche. It should be for a purpose, but not too much purpose!! Otherwise you'll lose the fun and freedom of it.

@Girzo Osho! Omg, so good. And also I think he might have been a sociopath!? With the whole assassination scandal and the salmonella thing... Such mystery around him, no? But his books are soooo good.

"How to be an Adult in Love" is kind of a break down of every little aspect of love. "The Novice" by Thich Nhat Hanh is a story about a the devotional love of a young hero and how she changed the world. "Bhakti Yoga" by Yogi Ramacharaka is a treatise on devotion (which can mean love). You can probably find this one by just googling it with pdf at the end.

When I saw your profile pic, I knew I had to read this one. It's really cool to see someone completely different from me going through the bizzare roller coaster of emptiness. It's helping me reestablish some clarity today.

Taught a "Recipes from Ayurveda" class at a Natural Grocers. People came with great questions, good interest and health skepticism. We made Dhal and cabbage salad and they were the bomb. People enjoyed the way I involved them in the cooking process. Next time I need to make sure I print some literature and recipes before hand. My nervous system is on fire, and next time I need to have a full liter of coconut milk to hydrate during the lesson. The only negative feedback I got was pretty helpful stuff, but mostly everybody loved it. I am totally addicted to this, but I really need to figure out how to make money at it!

Okay, I made it my goal to teach a few workshops in mid-January here in Colorado before I go back to California to finish my Clinical Ayurveda classes. I have so many images in my head of potential topics and activities, that it gets really overwhelming, so I guess that's where the work is gonna be. There's also so many different types of venues, but none that really cater to freelance consciousness instructors I'll just have to try a whole bunch of stuff until I can find a niche! Here are the classes I have in the works so far: Natural Grocers Ayurvedic Cooking demo: Natural Grocers gives you $100 in ingredients just to teach at their stores. Originally I wanted to teach and elemental healing workshop, but they really want you to have completed credentials before you teach a purely educational class. So cooking demo it is! Curiosity Workshop: This one is gonna be more like a fun psychological exploration class. We will do activities around 4 types of curiosity: material, internal, social, and metaphysical. Still don't have a venue yet. I don't think I'm ready for the hip coffee shops downtown, but any other venue might also not attract enough people, so I guess that's where the research is! I also wanna make sure I have some fucking fantastic eye-popping flyers before these events go down. I don't have a plan to make money yet. I will offer people free 1-hr Ayurvedic Pulse consultations because I need to do more of those to get my student hours. I'm kind of in a trap with Ayurveda. I need significantly more money to finish my schooling just to get the basic Ayurvedic Counselor's license. I can't really get my feet on the ground until then. I guess the main purpose of these events would be to continue testing the waters to see where people are the most ready for my variety of healing work. Perhaps I can offer Reiki for money, but I still feel silly doing Reiki. I think these conciousness classes are a good bet for me, but I definitely need to pair it with finishing up my Ayurvedic education with either massage therapy training or yoga teacher training. And that's where my major road block is. The jobs that are currently available to me don't pay nearly enough to save up for those certifications. No I cannot just do a GoFundMe. I think maybe what I'm anticipating is that as I start teaching these classes, I'll gain psychic momentum, and find clever new ways of manifesting more of them, as well as more ideas and more friends/potential future clients.

Omg, I think ego gets worse after every "satori".

In my opinion Enlightened people just watch their ego, and let it go on however it likes. The difference is that they can say, "oh, hey, ego, you're being really mechanical and repetitive, let's drop this and pretend like we have a fresh slate." Just for the joy of seeing what it does next! Just my opinion. Good question.

After years of bloody arguments with my family, I've finally accepted them in all their faults (kind of). Tonight my fat mom got me to agree to let her order a vegetarian pizza (I don't do cheese or wheat, she desperately loves meat). Then I got her to eat a salad while we waited for the pizza delivery. I didn't say what I was thinking, I just started making the salads. This was much more pleasant of an argument than the many years of screaming between us. Neither of us bring up trigger subjects anymore, which is okay, because I've grown past my neediness for approval, validation, attention, acceptance, because I do all those things for myself. I have faith now that I can ride the waves of my negative emotions long enough to get curious about what happens if I just watch the whole thing through. And I can be present with them even in their ignorance, and even when it hurts me (like when they bully me about being a hippie, or like how I still have to make serious personal compromises around them). I'm not sure I'm ready to do this fully with my biological Dad yet though... Try feldenkrais to release some back tension.

I just learned about this thing called TRE (trauma releasing exercises). It seems like kind of an intuitive bodily release of trauma, and the TRE method helps you invoke that state intentionally. Sounds like you are a little bit freer today?

I'm Vata-ing out literally right now, and I like to come on the forum and tell people what I think about having excess energy in order to turn it into clarity and positive energy. I'm not even trying to help you right now. This is purely selfish. Just wanted to have a laugh at myself. You can heal yourself. That's the whole secret.

This is called excess Vata. It feels like being on a roller coaster that you have to pretend like you're not on because other people will think you're crazy, which just makes it even more intense. It was a bitch for me to quit coffee! I was working at a coffee shop when I decided I had to do it. For a month I was miserable and realized my work place was severely aggravating PTSD-like symptoms. I went even postal on some customers... My energy is way more stable after three months. Little bit of protein, lots of raw fats and oils, lecithin (runny egg yolks and soy), hyaluronic acid (greens, roots, soy), oceanic SALT! and of course water. Fruits and veggies primarily. Try to avoid the kind of fiber that doesn't fall apart easily, meaning cook your grains and roots fully. Sesame or coconut oil Abyanaga in a warm bath when it's cold and dry. Try to find ways to balance excess coldness or dryness. Sometimes I go for a brisk walk (ideally in the sunshine) to burn off the excess anxiety. I might run up some stairs a few times too. Other days, when I have lower energy, I bring an audio book on my walk. Warm (seaweed tea or salty) enemas when your backed up! Constipation definitely causes excess Vata. Lol... Observation. Meditation. Eckhart Tolle! Eckhart Tolle always fixes my shit. I don't wanna claim to be in fantastic health, but I will say that quitting coffee was sooooo crucial.

Journaling. Write the first thing that comes to mind that you need to get off your chest and don't stop until you've filled at least one page. Have conversations with the parts of your body that hurt, and very faithful write what they say. Then, before you close the notebook, start listing positive aspects of the situation. It gets a lot easier over time. And it's not the solution, but it will at least move you out of the feeling of stuckness of not being able to afford a therapist.

Girls are awesome. You don't even know how awesome because your taking that awesomeness for granted. What she want is a touch of deep soul connection. Meaning you need to expose your vulernable emotions and histories. And also see deeply into hers. Show her that you can see her without her even having to explain herself so much. Listen deeply. If you still wanna be at surface level with her because it doesn't seem like it would be worth the emotional effort and slight increase in commitment, then it's absolutely okay to cut it off clean so that there is no confusion. Spend time with yourself, and nourish yourself. Spend time with your male homies and nourish them too where you can.