h inandout

I love this question. It's so real! Here's my take: sure, you can pop in some old videos of Carl Satan's Cosmos, looking for that same sense of wonder, but if you're not feeling it, it's really not gonna work for you. I am finding a pattern in me where about every three days, and amplified of three months, life feels so fucking goddam fucking shitty and there no fucking escaping it. At this point, awareness of the availability of surrender becomes much more readily apparent. When I have acknowledged the level of shittiness I feel, there are simultaneous waves of insights about things I can do to change my situation, and realization of my powerlessness to access what I need immediately. Gratitude rushes in during moments where I am straddling the line between hating everyone, and realizing that their behaviors come about from similar humanness. They are glimpses that are inevitable to my experiences and are as simple as landmarks along the road.

I'm in this with you bro. I think the advice about the pressure cooker was on point. Ideally, you wanna focus on getting more tenderness into your body. Raw vegans manage somehow. I find that the easiest way for me so far is to allow a small amount of dairy, which I'm not suggesting, I just recognize that my bigger problem is homelessness, unemployment, PTSD issues, resentment. I know in my body the particular issue is in my small intestines, and it gives me really bad breath, for which the metaphysical cause is definitely resentment. Am I gonna be a hard ass on myself about having resentment? Hell no! There's no quicker was to get me to go postal than to downplay my struggles. It would be really helpful to know more, to sort out what you need most at the moment. It might be low stomach fire, dehydration, poor absorption, lack of salt, emotional, or a whole variety of things, so I wish you luck in figuring it out.

I think it would be hard breaking up with someone, especially your first relationship. It's okay to feel that way and observe that as you decide what to do. If you do break up, or if you have some major revelation about the current boyfriend, there will be a period of ecstatic freedom afterwards, which you should totally milk for all it's juicy rewards. And then another challenge will arise that might remind you of the old challenges with the old boyfriend (or the old version of the same boyfriend), but they will be slightly nuanced. They might even be more heart breaking in fact. It will become obvious that you have to spend time studying this stuff. That's really my only recommendation, is to start studying now, a little bit at a time, and from multiple sources.

Omg, can so relate!

Dude, you're not gonna get schizophrenia. I totally believe you when you say you are more normal than most 19 year olds. You're probably are more in touch with the whole of reality, not just the good parts. Stop doing psychedelics because they can throw you off the path sometimes. They bring up stuff that is hard to integrate for the people around you who aren't doing them, and it's really not necessary to constantly push the limits. Just try to take simple steps towards goals every day. Don't be too attached to the goals, but try to make it fun when you can. Think of how much more satisfying it is to start and complete a project you're invested in. That is a feeling you can't produce by just seeking Euphoria inducing drugs. The drugs might help you reconnect with that juicy place someday once your life and some stability have been established.

I can't stay focused anymore. I am so tired of faking happy to get by when my situation is constantly spiraling downwards. I can't advocate for myself anymore when I feel like a ticking time bomb. I can't just ask for what I need without spewing hate at anybody. Is there anyone who can validate my anger without taking it personally? Am I supposed to live on the street?

People downplaying the complexity of the shit I have to wade through certainly is a continued trigger. Having to pretend I'm happy when I am so very not happy with the way things are playing out is a massive amplifier. I don't know anyone who is able to empathize with long term anger and disenfranchisement. It would be nice to meet someone who gets it.

?I wonder what your moments of lucidity looked like during this episode. It sounds like you experienced some disidentification up until a point. I wonder what that edge looked like for you.

I would be in and out of negative thinking patterns if I felt I couldn't get grounded either. You are probably facing a whole amalgamation of situational problems. It is really easy to go up to someone and simply say, "I need a hug," and get that need met right away. But when you have a variety of complex problems, it's a lot harder to find supportive people who are willing to be there for you through the overwhelm. It even takes time and consistent effort to find a therapist or similar healer who suites you. I think that when the negativity is causing a spiral, it is so plainly obvious that you are up against a wall of some sort, and at that point your brain somehow grants you permission to surrender. When this happens to me I personally feel very sedated and neutral. I try to stay in this neutral place until my will leads me in any direction other than towards the wall. Eating something, walking (like you do), studying something neutral like Hindi or Lyme disease, dance meditation, stomping and punching the trauma and inflammation out of my body. Those are what I've been doing recently. I can't exactly say I am at peace yet though.

Thanks, it really validated a lot of the shit that's coming up for me. I have been to kind places in my seeking. But also a lot of hard ones. I think there needs to be allowed some space for the subcpncious mind to percolate the strange phenomena that deliver new sensations of conciousness.

I had like 60 of these. This is what anger fear and stress looks like when you it's trapped in the liver. I followed the Andreas Moritz cleanse protocol. I know nobody else on Actualized is really doing this, and I don't blame you because it's kind of intense. If anyone has questions about the safety/necessity/science about it, I'd be happy to share my experience. I'd also love to hear your ideas and criticisms about cleansing.

I just realized you said SEVERELY. I'm not familiar with severe forms of autistim. But that's besides the point. I have, however, been around children with chromosomal and other such disorders and they have the same life force as anyone. Maybe they incarnated just for the sake of challenging our belief in the necessity of their shade of the rainbow, which is kind of like... enlightenment! @Outer thanks that was super cute.

Absolutely, there are a few super duper enlightened autistic/aspergers folks on Ted talks, and others that have made less of a public appearance. I think it would be easier to become enlightened than it is for neurotypical beings, because you are already on a cognitive edge, so it would be easier for you to access new mental exploration tools and use them for introspection. You could also have potential to be unconscious just like anybody else too. And of course, if we extend the concept of the bohdisattva to all conscious beings, then of course, you right now as you are, are experiencing the world exactly the same way the Buddha himself would, if he were in your shoes. You are literally doing the world a service by carrying your viewpoint around with you and responding appropriately to your own perceptions. This process is not contingent upon how your grey matter is arranged or what skull it's in.

Good god, I love the way you speak! Precision of language is so necessary in life, thanks for "getting it." And thanks for reminding me to not waste time wondering if I could have made it work. Yes, desire is such a necessary component. I guess I feel intimidated by the underlying intensity of it when all my prerequisites and safety measures have bulldozed or ignored by both myself and the other. Where I'm at now is that each need or concern that arises needs to be adequately acknowledged and given space. And mutually agreed upon as resolved. In his mind, the stated potential was: I can just magically fly to India and be his co-meditation teacher/girlfriend after having had a few brief online convesations. While this is totally a fantasy of mine, my fantasy allowed more thoughts about getting my shit together and problem solving small things. I wish I could have just kept up the small talk with him for longer to mulch and cultivate and enjoy the desire. You are right, you really can't be human or engage in anything without desire, and I am certainly intimidated by my own outward and inward desires as well. Wow, I am just realizing this on a conscious level.

@Lynnel Skepticism is a very interesting subject. For me, after the stones passed out, a ton of dark green bile also passed. Also the quality of the stones I passed were of a much different quality than those I had passed when I did it a year and a half ago.

@Nahm Thanks. I would not necessarily constitute this statement as a breakthrough though. I still feel on many levels, and situationally, that good simple health are inaccessible to me. I wish health was something I felt on a cellular, bone deep level. But maybe part of my karma is that I also want to be a part of the drama and chaos so that I can do the work along with my fellow humans rather than short cut to any free ride... I really don't understand any of this.

Eat the elephant one bite at a time.

@Michael569 yes. Straightforward questions are good. It means you are connecting A to B to C in a logical manner. A good way to be a health detective.

@Lynnel I am apt to disagree with the arguments put forth by the community who "debunked" the process.

http://www.truthseekerz.com/andreas.moritz.-.the.amazing.liver.cleanse.pdf This is the book that explains it, and the author also goes into great detail about the bodily systems and how they are connected. That booger is bile salts, cholesterol and fat. They are not bad things, but they piled up and congested my system because of not taking care of myself fully, physically or emotionally. Health is really quite simple, just balance your hot/cold, wet/dry. Eat 3 healthy meals. Get exercise. Enjoy life. Educate yourself. Take care of your money situation. And for me, these things seemed inaccessible for some time until I learned that I too deserve equal and adequate treatment in the world and that I'm allowed to advocate myself for those things.

I wish I had been more pessimistic earlier in my 20's. Miss optimism wouldn't have taken the boat and sunk it. Now I let Miss optimism take me out into the world, but only after Miss pessimism feels fully acknowledged. It's okay to pity yourself for a bit, at least until you feel bored.

You have to be a creator too. Stop what you are doing and go make something. Like literally right now.

I would have a hard time judging him because on the one hand, I live my entire life in favor of education, health and culture. But maybe those things are being improved by the silly things that rich people do. Kids can be in awe about space exploration. Semi-autonomous vehicles are supposedly safer. We're all talking about Tessla, and hey don't we all want some excuse to connect anyways? I also don't want to make the mistake of just agreeing with someone's actions blindly. Maybe he is not actualized, in that he is stuck on getting himself to Mars for selfish reasons rather than selfless. If he were actualized, I imagine he would do more to support other human beings, because I'm pretty convinced that compassion is a natural part of the actualization process, but idk... How could anyone but him know this? But I suppose we would feel it if it were true? How can I feel the presence of someone I've never connected with? Perhaps he is totally liberated, and within that he chooses to do the things he does? Anyways, someone should let poor Elon know that no one's even been to the moon yet.

I really don't know why "mother fucking" came to mean what it does, probably because I don't have an Oedipus complex? But anyways, I hope I am using it correctly hear?

I figured it out! That headache is a GLASS MOTHER FUCKING CIELING. I have been living my whole life under one that says I am not worthy. It is real close to the ground because god, I can't even go binge on drugs or alcohol if I wanted to because no money is my life. Why did this happen to me? Because my mom never told me that she believed in me and I've been operating under that limiting belief this whole time because it's the only way I could function within her corner of reality. How do I know this is the key problem? I literally tell my mom that I'm a failure because I needed her support and just hearing a single affirmation would be a huge relief. And she absolutely refuses to do it. ANSESTRAL TRAUMA? YUPP! So I am in a meeting again to see how I can make any money on the job I just signed up for, and I realize that they are deliberately putting multiple painful and confusing road blocks in front of us just to weed us out. What is the solution here? Express how pissed you are, then take a break. Think creatively, get in touch again with that whole mind-body-soul-connection thing. Remember that you are just as worth it as anybody else. And then keep goin at it with passion and deep knowing. Yes there are many more headaches to come. But hopefully there will be less head bashing as you become more skillful and attuned to how other people need to hear and see you, while simultaneously adhering to your truth that you are an eternal divine being.