h inandout

The nice thing about a LP is that you're already in it for the long haul, so you get to stop beating yourself up about some imaginary deadline you have in your head. Many ground-breaking health and nutrition experts simply put a lot of time and effort into figuring out how to heal themselves, and shared what they learned with others. That's why there's such a rainbow of nutritional theories out there. Just keep learning. Just keep sharing. Going back to school could be a nice vehicle for learning and networking, but it could also be limiting if you're just using it for comfort. Maybe your short term goals could be to simply fill out some of the preliminary paper work, and walking around campus? And as a side goal, maybe try offering your own class (on whatever) at a Natural Grocers. They'll even give you $100 to buy ingredients to teach your students something. I did some green smoothie classes, and some classes on occult yogi knowledge and the gut. Was super eye-opening.

Okay, I've noticed a separation of self several times, usually during an extreme emotional crisis. One of me is in complete agony, and the other of me is just there. For the sake of practicality, maybe imagining my other self as a "real" entity, sort of in the the back of my head, as kind of a celestial black hole type thing that always sounds like a deep AUM could be helpful for dis-enmeshing myself? I know it's an illusion too, but I think it just might work! Just like all this enlightenment coaching - it's all an illusion too right?

Am I pure Will? Where does my will/desire come from? I always imagine I am a direct lineage of phenomena from the first separation of this and that. But if there is only Yin and Yang, then how did we get so much variety? I think there must at the very least be a third trickster involved here. Why am I (the non-entity writing this post) doing all this stuff in my head!? And will all this stuff in my head ever lead to me getting what I want or will it just lead to more phenomena and more desires and more doing stuff in my head?

It's probably a good thing. Many autistic people are more creative and have more intellectual freedom than most neurotypicals. Look at Temple Grandin or Rosie King. Even if you're not autistic.

I know how you feel.

Imagine Santa coming down four-year-old-you's chimney with a sack full of emptiness. WTF!? Like, maybe you grew up in a different culture from me, but presents were a pretty decent way to fill the sack. Especially after all the hype, I would have felt disappointed, not blissfully empty, to have received nothing. The blissful jewels of emptiness revel themselves through much cultivation and devotion, I believe. In the meantime, stop meditation on disappointment, and actually fill your cup with something that approximates joy to remind you what it is you're aiming for. Maybe read Jerry Downs's book "Why you were born"

In the case I was describing, it was someone ran from the government because he thought they would throw him in jail for not paying child support... He was even reasonable to feel this way because he was hit by a car at the time of his divorce so his brain was doin all kinds of gymnastics. But it turned out he was actually just lying to himself about the consequences of not having been able to keep up with the child support. He spent countless hours learning about conspiracy theories, which only added to the inescapability of the damage. We are all the sons and daughters of Cain (the first murderer). The only thing a Cain can do is try to spend the rest of his life to prevent it from happening again, which yes would even mean forgiving himself. I don't think 100rockets did anything bad except to neglect his bills for a while, as he discovered a deeper meaning of life. You know the Buddha ditched his family, so it is understandable when things get away from you sometimes. Just use what you learned to teach other people something in future incarnations of your self.

I watched someone completely exit society because of some really bad circumstances, and from the other side of the looking glass developed an entirely different view of the universe, one, which in my opinion, was too deeply rooted in paranoia. He was totally valid, but was not able to access healthier realities. After immense ammounts of frustration with trying to reenter a society that had been so cruel; what it really came down to was he simply needed to make one phone call, and we found out that the entire thing had cleared itself up six years prior. He still struggled with disinfecting the paranoia and bad circumstances well after he found out, but is now back in school, and has a much broad perspective. Having learned from this, I personally focus way more or pronoia now. Yes, the universe is actually secretly conspiring to give you everything you ever wanted. All you have to do is keep moving forward and accept this truth.

Don't you worry your little head off about the safety. Find a group of people who do Peruvian shamanism (you might not even have to travel far), and you will know immediately who you are working with. You should feel great about your company. They will guide you through the experience and help you set intentions for healing.

Yes, I find this guy so deliciously charming. Love is the nourishment. Sexy is for dessert.

No. Ostentatiousness is most definitely a turn off. I've mostly dated men who make less than me. You can look put together on a budget. You can be kind for free. You can be confident and charming for free. You can always make more time to communicate effectively, for free. You can go for walks and talk about deep subjects for free. You can look deep into her eyes and tell her how beautiful her soul is and how much you believe in her, for free.

1. Some sign from the greater universe helps. Like maybe we meet in beautiful and unusual circumstances... Or something to just let you KNOW that you have to find out about this person. 2. I once told a boyfriend that making a budget would turn me on more than anything else. Workin out your shit first is key. That and his natural smell... omigod.

Try coaching someone younger, or who is facing issues that you have already faced. Your love for them will force you to clean up your act and start loving yourself. You already have a huge variety of knowledge worth sharing, so stop being so stubborn and share it! And share it mindfully. It's okay to say what you think is right, and then admit that you are wrong later.

Okay, you know, sometimes I get sucidal because I feel so trapped. I think I may even have a toxic relationship with my Dad. We are so out of sink with each other. I wish just once one of my 3 parents would have literally just uttered the words I believe in you, but that's okay because I know their parents didn't say it to them. So I believe in me. I FUCKING BELIEVE IN ME. Do I need to build a science education program for girls in my second language and basically from scratch with little support. OK. It's not actually that hard. Life is easy. It is so fucking easy, and I'm tired of being dragged around in the dirt because I just didn't know how to take ahold of my own life. If an opportunity calls. I will be there! No problem, no stress, just gonna do it.

I've suffered a lot of accumulated and supressed trauma, and have been living in fight or flight mode for the past 8 years. My Dad just happens to have a great oportunity to live with him in the jungle in Peru and teach science to little girls (yes my Spanish is almost good enough). I've applied for similar jobs in the same area before but I keep getting rejected, so quite honestly this is so perfect and serendipitous because I might be able to win back a little self esteem and do something ridiculously cool. But I keep having hard core panic attacks, even when I am on some level completely able to embrace the opportunity. I try to express my trust issues and lack of confidence to my Dad for the sake of working it out, but it just turns into me lashing out at him. I akin it to vibrational theory, where people in very low vibrational states for some reason are held back from skipping to the highest levels of being. Should I get a hypnotherapist or put this project off or reject it all together? How can I finally break though this awful barrier I've been trapped under for so many years?

Do you think that some of our cells (including our meitic cells) are gaining new reproducible DNA every time we get a cold? Are we expressing traits differently throughout our life not only because of inheritance, epi-genetics, environmental gene-regulation, but also because we are literally getting new DNA? I have always been surprised at how "normal" functioning people can be when they are literally missing whole chromosomes. I'm surprise that certain missing genetic links in each of our individual codes didn't pull the plug on our whole system. I suppose there are only so many combinations, and the combinations do tend repeat. But the fact that they all work together despite the many combinations in which they can come is totally mind blowing! Perhaps viruses are adding a layer of complexity I hadn't even though about. Are they supporting the process of constant change in our lives? Does our emotional system actually react accordingly to new proteins being synthesized? Can you get alien DNA from being touch by an alien lol? I'm sure someone out there knows more about this than me...

I think you should probably invest in a squirrel flight suit.

OMG I just met the most beautiful interesting man and all I can think about is cuddling and it makes me so nervous. I totally deserve to let this unfold. And I totally deserve to acknowledge and express my boundaries! OMG OMG OMG... so excited! And I'm so not being attached because I know I'll be okay and learn a lot about myself even if nothing ever happens! <3<3<3

Go on a mini-journey! You'd be surprised how easy it is for the universe to manifest your desires on a road trip or creative outing! The universe found me a lot of beautiful teachers and practice relationships on my last journey because that's exactly what I was asking for.

I am someone who has totally "failed" a lot. So this idea of self-sabotage totally made sense to me, and I've been using it for a while now, but maybe self-sabotage is a limiting notion in and of itself. What if what I'm experiencing is actually self-respect. Like, the thing that is preventing me from simply asking the universe for what I want is an unconscious recognition of circumstances that have led to my suffering in the past? Like what if I fall in with a guy too fast? Jesus you can be so invested in somebody before you realize that they are not bringing out the best in you! I know that I have a bit of panic when I meet someone cute or interesting because I know they might have a completely different idea about what is an acceptable or unacceptable pace for moving forward. So I keep my distance. But I deserve to at least acknowledge that I might want to experience having deeper conversations with someone, or perhaps hugging them, or anything that makes me feel more connected. Maybe it will helps me to know that many of the people I want to be around have just as many road blocks as me from their previous relationships and they are comparing me to those other people. So I should be the one to know myself more deeply and I should be the one who asks to move forward in a relationship, and I should have the integrity to allow them the space and time to unfold their own desire to reciprocate or reject.

I have found panic attacks to be an odd blessing in disguise. I feel so much hurt and trauma and disconnection that I actually feel the separation of selves: the eternal source of self and the one in pain. I had noticed this before, but didn't really know how to describe it until I listened to Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now (on Youtube). The intensity of the panic usually allows me to disassociate completely from my enmeshment, and finally I allow myself whatever I need to find the serenity and wisdom and relief I've been needing so deeply. In a metaphor I learned from Yogi Ramacharaka: your blood is just like a pulsation of the ocean waves that you brought onto land with you long ago. You are like a little inlet from the ocean, and sometimes that inlet gets clogged with sticks and debris. One potential way to clear this disconnect is to do rhythmic breathing: breathe in for 9 heartbeats, breath out for 9 heartbeats. If 9 doesn't work for you pick a number that seems more comfortable and soothing. This will rock you naturally into the awareness that you have a capacity for higher awareness.

If you go for the expensive therapist, just remeber that they have to eat too, and that the more you support rhe people who support you, the more you enable them to better the world.

I think 180€ is nothing if that's exactly the thing you need. I used to be stingy about paying people for the things I need, so I would go about with unmet needs and anger, and attract bad things, like the $260 speeding ticket I just got because the small town I passed through is only 25mph not 45 and I was too emotional to notice. It is literally inefficient to go through life like this. I also wasn't seeing myself as someone who could afford to have my needs met or who deserves to have my needs met. It was all very confusing, because everyone around me seemed to reflect this idea that I didn't deserve to have my needs met. And I felt embarrassed to admit that I really just needed some compassion because I was so stuck in being the compassionate one, and I even learned to communicate very eloquently so as not to hurt others by explaining how hurt I felt. So I am in the process of actually saying I hurt more directly to others and accepting that only time will decloud the confusion. And I admit that sometimes I just want a hug from someone who gets it, and for them to help me brainstorm a way out.

I'm so glad I'm reading your post during my own panic cycle! Maybe I can offer some tidbits: First, I realized I need to pay way more attention to physical and emotional comfort. When you're in that dark place of no return, I'm sure you have time for a baby panda video. Second, I think it's so funny that you think you've wasted you life by putting off Uni. I went right out of high school and was "totally on track", but students who started when they were older seemed way more successful. Third, you are already quite awesome, and I am sure some awkward attempts at stepping into roles where you are leading and creating can only lead to you knowing more about what you want and don't want. Just don't stay miserable.

Yes, thank you for your advice. I meditate maybe too much. Sometimes I start to get neurotic about my neuroses, and can never find a way out. But just speaking about this is giving me a few different ideas about how to calm down first. Maybe I will find a different therapist (that doesn't remind me of my mom) while I'm still state side. I know this is all supposed to be easy, but I also am too familiar with the dark subtlety of self-sabotage. Maybe not this time though?