h inandout

I totally feel your dilemma. Just curious, what report do you have to write?

Oh cool! That sounds like really good homework. I hope you get it!

This one!? Awesome. I actually had a lot of trouble with finding adequate mentorship and support when I was in school for Engineering fo Community Development (potable water supply) I was kinda in the far outreaches of the field and found myself getting really needy and noone knew how to help me or encourage me when I was struggling the most, probably because they had never had a similar experience. I think I learned from that that if I am not getting good response to the questions I'm asking, it's probably because they are indeed overwhelming questions, and might have been a burden to others (no guilt trip here, just a recognition of limitations.) I also noticed at this time that even in the very thick of not knowing what to do, I could always think of something worth trying the next day. I wish I hadn't psyched myself out so much, because I think these baby steps could have eventually become very fruitful.

Ha awesome question! I see myself doing this a lot: I pick a thing I want to solve, and force myself to solve it on my own. Poor choice lol. Then I cave in and google it, but ask my question verbatim. Silly, right? My problems are about as complex as chaos theory, so why would there be a wrote solution? Then I start to get more creative with my key word searches, or also, I pose my questions to people in fun playful ways. Then is starts getting a little more fruitful. Then, if the question persists because I know it goes deeper than a simple conversation, I will forget about it intentionally. I have a lot of questions that are unanswered in my bank. In general, one of my favorite things to do is to go to the big library downtown and browse the recently returned racks. Low and behold, I find lots of really fantastic intellectual droppings and beautiful creations to all those things I had forgotten about. Then I go and read the one that is calling me the most.

So I went and sang with a few busking bands yesterday. I was having a lot of great ideas about how I could strategically profit off of what little skill I have already. I also go really overwhelmed, so I came home to rest today. I also have found that my roommate is surprisingly still not mad at me for not being able to pay rent. I was raised to hate myself for never being able to meet anybody's expectations, and that became a self-fulfilling problem, because now I believe that everybody hates me, and I'm slowly being introduced to different people and a positively attracting a state-of-mind, so maybe eventually I won't feel like everybody hates me or like I'm perpetually inadequate. I have been blessed to have some rare glimpses at what it feels like to floor people with my creative force. I would like to increase the number of those glimpses of true flow. I've heard a few musicians (college educated in music - unlike me) who were sooooo hard on themselves. And yet they are so unaware of how vast the musical/creative field is outside of the wrote study of classical or jazz music. It made me sad for them because they worked so hard to not feel fulfilled. I however can see that I can use my own creative process (like singing with random buskers) to improve myself in unexpected ways. I am way more courageous now. I can envision using this to be a better teacher (think about how much better your teachers were who had actually lived a little). I am incredible at meeting new people, and when I start to amalgamate a more solid vision, I know what kinds of questions to ask and what kinds of people will have the answer, and this is an ongoing process. I have learned so much about who I would want to do the business for me by literally just having fun with people and then asking them about whatever I'm feeling curious about in the moment. Okay, now, I'm feeling a little bit better about life, and I have things to go do that are gonna make me feel more on track. I wish you the same.

I just learned that I'm a multipotentialite (google it), and I feel waaaaaaay better. I cannot stay focused on one particular field, and that is a huge benefit. I am great at learning new things, adapting, synthesizing, problem solving and navigating the many dimensions of the human psyche. I am terrible at staying focused. I've noticed though, lately, that I JUST NEED TO KEEP GOING. As soon as I latch on to something I am excited about, I get really deep in it really fast. Rather than beating myself up about never being able to finish anything, or feeling afraid to try something new, I just get on board with the excitement! I am also way more skillful now at pursuing my many loves with more equanimity and balance as in, no I'm not seeking a thrill as an addict would. I am just seeking genuine deep connection with being in love with life. Yes I am a Scorpio if that means anything to anyone...

I even made a Facebook page for this called End the Madness: Change the Music. Sprouts, where I used to work, literally never ever changes their playlist. I almost had the whole thing memorized. I feebly tried asking management, and was told they couldn't do anything about it, and as a general rule felt so discouraged that I quit before I got to the bottom of it. I had a whole host of other life problems from trying to make a living through grocery, but I think the fact that I had to be musically programmed is certainly an interesting one among them. I am curious what all ya'll think is the reason why this endlessly repetitive music phenomena happens.

Thoughts on this?

Okay, it's true I want to be a Siren. And a rapper. And a teacher - the next Bill Nye? And build my own home someday. And travel freely around the world. And make ridiculous ammounts of money. I'm so sick of being so unstable and in debt and in and out of terrible jobs! Any suggestions on how to make all this happen in the next six months? Also what is your unreasonable dream? You will be rated and supported based on unreasonableness and creativity (don't be shy, this is annonymous forum for fuck sakes!) Extra points if you mention wanting a helicopter...

Life comes in cycles... maybe get back on top of it when you have the space. Honestly meditation can bring you to a whole different place, so it's hard to exist like a "normal" person when you're actively dealin with the shit in your head. Just focus on your classes, and gather little moments of clarity like little drops that eventually fill the bucket.

Tried it. He brought me way down with his baggage. I now strictly observe the creepiness equation. Partly because of the fact that he wasn't facing his own problems and neither was I, so we enabled each other. Second because when your friends and family start to tell you it's creepy (even if it isn't at first) it becomes a self fulfilling profecy. Watching Cosmic Couple on youtube really helped me work through my emotions on this at the time of the break up. I think they are still in a successful relationship.

Also I have lymph issues in my throat that habe been holding me back significantly...

Okay, I didn't want to say because I'm tired of the shaming I go through every time I try something new, but here goes. Have you ever heard a song before that was so fucking beautiful is brought you to tears? I like those songs, for example there's a few songs on Bobby McFerrins album vocabularies that bring me to gushing tears every single time I hear them. I dig his style in particular because I'm a bit of a linguist, and I prefer vocals over instrumentals because it provides a more direct connection with your true expression. I'm really not a great singer yet, but I am building a repetoire just from learning new songs every now and then. I struggle with writting myself, but I have so much I want to say to the world from studying spirituality and other nerd outs of mine. I was supposed to be a potable water engineer in Peru, and then I was gonna be a science teacher, and I had such a hard time during these experiences that I don't know if I'm sabotaging myself by letting go of the more hard core technical skills I already have and simply never succeeded in establishing into a full practice, just so I can dedicate myself fully to the development of a talent that is probably not quite as highly needed in the world, nor as stabilizing. But seriously, I love singing and the creative process. So, honestly think if I wanted to do it professionally, I would really have to release my past lives, and dive into something with way more unknowns. I'd like to have my cake and eat it too, so maybe someday I'll find a balance.

Singing in public! (Sometimes people get mad at me, but I'm more in tune with when and where it's appropriate!) My very simple appearance, and yes the acne doesn't bug me as much anymore Communicating with people Speaking Spanish without hesitation Being awkward

Start using your intuition and awareness to make food choices. If you are eating wrong, and have been getting it wrong this whole time, the truth will eventually bubble to the surface. If it has nothing to do with your eating habits, start learning about metaphysical causes. Start learning about diet though first.

Suggestion for everyone here: please mind the conventionality of your responses, and think about the history behind your response, and whether you think zasa is capable of googling your response on his own, or whether you actually have something deeper to share. Not saying your response is useless, just consider whether or not you can go deeper with it. @zasa joey I have known someone with Crohn's disease, and honestly I think it was fucking horrible. I am going to tell you right now, that I have seen goddamn miracles happen to this person. There is no one on the planet with a more fucked up situation in his gut. You will not have to suffer as much as he did because quite frankly you are already in a place where you are attracting highly conscious energy. You are going to have to do some serious digging and experiencing of unpleasant things, but just ride it. You do not have to dread this thing. Use every source of healing possible, and commit to it because if you do it all at once, you're gonna burn out. Just remember that diagnosis is just a Western Medical thing that we do so we can figure out how to treat people, but that somehow got co-opted into other weird unconscious forces. All you have to do is be grateful of the place of awareness of this that you get to come into uniquely because of your very unique situation. Don't be afraid to call bullshit, and also don't be afraid to try it anyways!

? How can you force someone to become enlightened with low consciousness? I am starting to see that there is indeed quite a rainbow of what it means to be enlightened (like maybe how I felt lighter when I finished my homework when I was younger, or maybe how monks have ascended to nothingness, or in this forum, the recognition of your lack of self). But where is this idea coming from that the CIA was forced into enlightenment?

I think you have the equanimity and strength to move forward.

He probably had us through immaculate conception. My meaning is more: compassion is needed for ourselves, for our parents and for the whole freakin thing. For example, I may not have personally caused all the suffering, and in unconscious ways am contributing to it, and I try to be concientious when I do thing, but we're all so enmeshed anyways, that eventually I have to move forward somehow and stop letting guilt and fear cripple me.

I internet stumbled into this blog: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

Be free darling. You don't owe anybody anything.

What do you think it means to kill your ego? Self-hate is so hard to describe, because when you're in the throws of it, you think that even your opinion isn't worth espousing, and that your whole life experience deserves to be invalidated. So even neutral questions like this one get run through the self-hate filter.

Oh hey, I've been wondering about all this too! Having been raised by hybrid atheist/christianish parents, and never going to church, I never felt in line with the enthusiasm some people experience from their church experiences. That's cool, because I've definitely been excited about things that other people don't understand about me. But yes, sometimes I've noticed that church goers might have an easier time in life without really having to go through as much struggle. I think this is in part due to their faith, or rather relative lack of self-doubt, and in part just due to old fashioned old-boys network kinda knowledge and connections. It's kind of a privilege to be faithful... and yet I still don't feel like going to church or partaking of the same flavor of christian enthusiasm. I do however, crave this idea of being blessed. I got reikied recently, and it really did feel like the child in me was being allowed to confidently step into a deeper sense of wonder. It was almost like a long-lost right of passage.

Your magical prowess is increasing every time you notice something, and especially when you write it down.

Omg, parents are impossible to fix. Just remember this is impermanent. Maybe use this time brainstorm the ways you will use your freedom when you finally have more. And notice that you have a very unique view point of the world right now. I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes listening to your parents arguing... Just keep observing and describing it to yourself. Eventually this will make you a more aware and more compassionate person, which people will like about you.