puporing

Sounds like you need someone who could just unconditionally give you some love and care. It can be very tough to get out of on your own. I hope you don't blame yourself..

Depending on where you live, you can do some research about low cost counselling. There're usually some groups/non-profit doing that. I would first ask social services or even call a distress line number, they may have information about that. I used to work on the line and was actually surprised to find what is out there.. but do understand that it may be very limited options so you can't necessarily get the 'best care' because the therapist you're matched with isn't super compatible or such.

You're not alone in that. We are wired for connection. Perhaps you've never felt seen for who you are fully. It is totally fine that you want to feel connected and to seek that. What helps me is to be totally present in every interaction I do have - strangers or others, be there for someone, and let go as much as I could of my attachment to the outcome of that. Love is not a finite resource, only we think it so... each one of us craves to be seen and loved.

Lol.. speaking from a woman's perspective, I seem to always either run into guys who will only see me as a sex object, or marriage prospect. There's literally nothing in between. Maybe I'm in the wrong part of the country (fairly conservative).

I think your main issue is communication before anything. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to enter into marriage when you feel like you can't talk about these more uncomfortable topics as they will inevitably come up, yet. I mean they can be really tough to broach in the beginning but long-term relationships are like this, uncomfortable things will inevitably come up and it is always the willingness of you and your partner to deal with them as they come up that decide the fate of the partnership. Of course I am assuming alot here... there's never a guarantee to a marriage even if someone is a virgin, or that they won't stray from you. All of this will challenge you and is part of life. Of course I'm not saying if you have a goal don't strive for it, but weigh in on the fact that nothing in life is a guarantee, and then choose your preferences from that standpoint. Another angle I like to look at with the whole divorce situation (man being afraid of losing half the money) is that it is created by a larger societal problem... much more complex than I can summarize here. The fact that many women still have to rely on marriage as a survival strategy in most countries/places, single mothers are still over-represented in poverty, girls are not encouraged to have careers (in stage blue even orange societies still) but encouraged to be mothers and thus have nothing to fall back on, I can go on and on ... but basically this societal collective problem is manifested as 'man losing half the money' shock to men when it happens and so relationships have become much more calculated than it should be..

@Preety_India lol your detailed description sounds also alot like China. I really appreciate your honesty.

I mean it's already happening, not just AI, but also just through the sheer evolution of humanity beyond doing repetitive tasks - self-actualization. UBI or some kind of resource-sharing mechanism should be adopted for mankind to evolve collectively - not something just reserved for the few lucky ones.

Suffering can serve its purpose of propelling you to go beyond the ego, waking you up to your true self, for many people it's what starts the 'search'. Is that intentional or necessary? I have no idea but it is how it seems to be. And then when you realize that this reality can be different, you could choose to be more of that which you want to see in the world.

Hmm. This post reminded me of something Matt Kahn said. That ultimately his goal was to awaken the master within all of his 'students'. That's what I'm ultimately drawn to/working towards, but everyone has their own 'path' to take.

Going through something very similar the last year and I had to take some time off - though my situation is luckier financially. I took work that was mentally not demanding but maybe a bit more physically demanding so I can basically process things as I'm working (mail delivery for example). This was deliberate as I was really mentally not there or with society at large. Any kind of interaction with people in work situations was unbearable for an extended time. So in that case it made more sense to do something more mechanical.. I also started renting out rooms on Airbnb and that was manageable too as I'm just working for myself. You could also try to get on some kind of disability, though that's often quite a loop to jump through.

Ah, this is a pure gem what you're sharing - you can't find or get until maybe well into therapy, even then not so comprehensive like this I think. Thank you very much for sharing.

@Mihael Keehl Yes I do know one from my area. He also does online sessions. Let me know if you want his info. (Not sure if he knows of Stanislav Grof, his therapy is very Jungian based)

Thanks for sharing! Was just looking up if there are feedbacks from folks from his workshops. I am just saving up to attend either his or Rupert's Spira's retreat. It is so much when you convert USD to CAD and I want to do it in person, but like you said it was worth it.

Lol I been following some recipes/diet from the "Thyroid Healing" book, it's probably not necessary to go that extreme but I did notice an energy uptick and less brain fogginess. (Juicing, veg and fruit heavy no carb no diary, high quality protein, heavy metal detox, supplements for nutrients I'm short on).

Yeah it can be frustrating.. Some are very fear based and have trust issues and will latch onto ‘conspiracy theory’ or anecdotal evidence as truth.. unfortunately more compassion and understanding toward them is needed for any chance of them changing their minds, not less.

Tough to self-actualize/individuate in that country..or go beyond stage blue and orange. Herd mentality is strong.

I like the work of Carl Jung for looking more into dreams, helped me with shadow work and individuation..

Yes! I have done this myself from a toxic family situation. In my case it was not even a question I had to leave if I wanted to have a self/life of my own and not constantly be dragged down by drama. I had very little money though it would be better if you saved a bit. It was bit tough initially coz I had to take odd jobs whatever I could find at first (and living cheaply). I did have a degree and that helped me land better jobs eventually but the first year was a real struggle as I moved like 6 times in that year from shared living situations one after another. But like I said the situation was so bad that even this was more appealing. It's not egoic thinking you want to be independent and start the process of living life true to you. I don't regret it one bit and if ever in a similar situaion I would still work my ass off to stay away from living with family. I didn't tell my parents the real reason of why I left until years after however because it was not emotionally safe to do.. but that's up to you and your situation how you want to handle communicating your leaving.

Mine is currently pretty non-existent aside from my partner, as I'm trying to focus on life purpose, reading, and healing in general. I do go out to some random Meetup events sometimes but don't usually keep going, and connect with the odd friend here and there see how they're doing. I'm just going through a phase where I need to be free of distractions and obligations. Maybe will come out of that when I feel like I got my life purpose in a decent spot.. we will see.

It's tricky.. I think most people like to feel like they're special in dating situations (even if temporary?), and that can be hard to do in an open relationship. I think it could work either as you treat them like a FWB but treat them very well just be clear it's not a long term situation right off the bat and figure out a WIN WIN for both involved not just for you, OR treat them like someone really important to you regardless of your dating situation.. like a soul mate but she can come and go as it works or not work for her (as in any open situation people can come and go and come back lol, I mean it has to be genuine of course..) Other than that I think open relationship for me is more like a way of being.. like I don't want to hide my feelings if they do come up, or pretend I'm not attracted to others, or closing all possibility of loving others (can be platonic or sexual..) , etc. If you can embrace that without the need for outcomes it can be pretty sweet Also I think the one that initiates/actively pursues this lifestyle will find out that he/she will have to love harder than they might have in a one-on-one situation. (both in terms of how they handle the relationships/maturity and skills, and life-purpose related pursuits).

Yeah I feel that too especially if that's how you used to be or your family grew accustomed to. There can be a sense that you're doing something wrong. There is a trade-off for self-actualizing people where they tend to go inward more and spend more time introspecting and grow. Having a strong vision helps and also you can still express love without spending so much time around people. I think it's healthier when people hang around not out of obligation and more genuiness. I value being honest (in this case around how much time I'd like to be around people) and so I have to let go of the desire to people please. Also just by you being this way it also sends the message to others that it is okay to have your space. However you show up in the world tells others that it is a valid way of being, and that does have a ripple effect.

I would just go with my gut feelings... what you're comfortable with... how you feel about it.. etc. Do you enjoy your times together? stuff like that.. And maybe talk to him about your limitations in dealing with his suicidal thoughts/suggest other help and resources and that you wouldn't be able to solve all his problems etc I think drawing some boundaries is always healthy and I guess how he reacts to that can help you decide. Some people have chronic depression and are very aware of the boundary issue and try very hard not to be 'a burden' or use that as a way of getting their way, it just depends on how aware someone is about that. (I guess I am not encouraging or discouraging because I think you would know better )

@electroBeam If you have access to land could try growing your own... (which will also demonstrate how actually organic produce is quite well priced generally.. ). I know it's still expensive when you add everything up but fresh is better.

I'm curious if you've raised this with your partner seriously or not yet, and how she feels about this. It sounded almost like you're afraid to bring this up that it may cause her to not want to be with you. And I would say if that's the case really contemplate the cost of not sharing your true desires and how that might affect you and your relationship in the long term. There're risks but what I found over and over in relationships is that the cost of not sharing my true self/pursuing the things I have a deep passion for is just too high compared to potentially losing the relationship. And.. you might just be pleasantly surprised at the response you get from your partner (again I'm assuming you haven't yet shared).

@Zen LaCroix For me was playing the piano and classical works of Chopin and the like, lol. It's not immediately accessible but it helped me so much in that regard more so than traditional talk therapy.. but basically it allowed me to fully feel all the emotions that were repressed it gets released as I'm feeling them. Actually it helped even more when I had a therapist who would listen to me play and talk about it afterwards.