puporing

@Bojan Have you tried getting a test done?

Haven't heard of them before, thanks for sharing the resource. Have you had good luck finding a good match/therapist on their platform?

Ok this is good. There is no issue with your preferences first of all, and it is understandable that you would still perhaps want to be with the person and still love them but headed in different directions in life. I would definitely figure out first what you want more of (like if you're more leaning towards exploring other relationships). I can foresee roughly 2 scenarios if you are leaning more towards exploring and not settling down yet, seems like you will eventually have to talk to her about this, and it could lead to either a breakdown, or a realignment on her part with you (which might mean something like an open relationship of some sort but most people don't consider this an option..). I wish you the best of luck.

Being respectful is a good trait when it comes to general interactions.., but I think with intimacy it totally depends on the woman, she might think that's what she loves due to moral conditioning but... deep down she might want someone who is able to make her feel all sorts of emotions. Just my take

Drifting apart is a natural part of life especially if you're growing alot and/or in different directions, you can still have love and compassion toward them, appreciation for the times you've had, whilst moving on.. sometimes this happens mutually other times you might have to have a more explicit conversation so the other person isn't utterly confused by it.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-brunswick/mystery-brain-disease-new-brunswick-1.6303781 This has been on the news alot in Canada. It makes me think about symptoms of heavy metal toxicity given how hard it can be to detect and diagnose even if it were in the environment at one point... thoughts?

It can be really challenging. Do you find yourself having two separate voices? And it sounds like you identify more with one of them. It could be that you really feel the relationship should end and your heart is not in it. But there are probably other factors holding you, for example things like how will people react to it, I’ve invested so much already, what if I can’t find anyone else, practical reasons whatever your situation is. I guess the first step is to just be honest with yourself about reasons for staying and leaving. And give yourself some time to contemplate what’s more important to you right now.. and… is this something I can possibly talk about with my partner or best to keep to myself until I sort my feelings out. Hope that helps.

Probably fear of having to let go of a survival strategy that is more convenient/straightforward and beneficial to the ego, fear around losing a bunch of money.. understandable but nonetheless has its problems. This. It would be hard to find someone on this forum who will validate the unhealthy manifestations of the previous stages.

See the larger picture. See that you are already whole and complete. Everything else is just a bonus. See there's another layer beneath the mechanism of goal pursuits and it bringing you happiness which is already perfect. And then from that point on everything you do pursue is from a place of wholeness not lack.

Staying conscious when pursuing your desires. And being aware of ultimately you are already complete, and this is like a play. You're here to play. Being aware that your desires will most likely evolve and change and whatever you're pursuing now is helping you grow and this is not the end of the road.

It's an indication you are a bit stuck where you are. You might have to do something drastic to get out of that, like moving somewhere, or a different career, etc. Maybe fear of change or another round of 'failure/hopelessness' is holding you back from pursuing that too.

@Bobby_2021 I don't know enough about divorce laws in China. But my cousin is from a poor family so.. I'm not sure how that even factors in. There's also no child support in China. Again your arguments don't line up with the context (you're applying western laws and standards to a deep red/blue society), and of course I don't know every detail of the situation. I have no issues with men marrying 40+ or any age, or not at all, all I was pointing out was my cousin wants to find a partner and he's been looking and looking, and his mom is preventing it from happening and he is allowing it. Due to some prejudice and his inability to go beyond his family system

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HY9aw5cQRDQ It's good that you already have an opening for change, recognize that this willingness itself is courage. Change can happen either when you get fed up with the problems you keep running into and so you start questioning, or actively seeking this out because growing and learning is part of your nature. It can be deterred by fear because change can alter your entire practical reality as you're currently living. It can change your survival strategy, your relationships, etc. All of which is a threat to the ego. I guess pick what you're willing/wanting to change and focus on that. Find allies and leaders who have traveled through that journey.

I have a cousin in China who is 40+ and a pretty cool guy. But he has trouble finding a partner. Couple years ago he eventually did and they both liked each other. But because the woman had a brief previous marriage with no children, his mom disapproved it and made him give her up. Similarly another Chinese girl I knew was slut shamed for having had two boyfriends in China, she later married to a foreigner. And then they despise women who marry foreigners... Pretty extreme and unhealthy manifestation of stage blue value around relationships that should be questioned.

It sounds like a boundary thing, like your sense of self is being affected by people around you. It's very exhausting living like that and like you say puts you in these rollercoasters and possibly people pleasing modes. I would say start developing a strong sense of self, your values and principles, what are good things about you, list it out. And then a list of what you might consider 'not good', and then give an example of when you have had the 'not good' quality. And crucially think really hard to add a response with one of your good qualities as to why you acted like this. (As an example... I might say, I am "unfocused/ADD with this task", the response being... "I am actually prioritizing what's most important to me"). Anyway I know this might be counter to what "spirituality" is about but I do think building a healthy sense of self is a foundation to going up and up.

I mean... In a way it was good she walked away from that, gives you an immediate feedback of what she's not perhaps into in relation to you, if that's what you were looking for strictly speaking. Also yeah I think most girls don't like being immediately started off the path of FWB (at least not so explicitly pointed out like that) I could be wrong though all depends on the person/their state of mind..

This is really easier said than done when you've not received proper love growing up. Yes there should be increasing awareness of self-love, self-parenting etc, but when you literally had zero true parental figure that's a really tall order. I don't have all the answers, been in and out of therapy myself for similar reasons. I think being in the presence of a loving person really does help however you find that, doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. Maybe a mentor, teacher that you can interact more consistently with.

Sounds like you need someone who could just unconditionally give you some love and care. It can be very tough to get out of on your own. I hope you don't blame yourself..

Depending on where you live, you can do some research about low cost counselling. There're usually some groups/non-profit doing that. I would first ask social services or even call a distress line number, they may have information about that. I used to work on the line and was actually surprised to find what is out there.. but do understand that it may be very limited options so you can't necessarily get the 'best care' because the therapist you're matched with isn't super compatible or such.

You're not alone in that. We are wired for connection. Perhaps you've never felt seen for who you are fully. It is totally fine that you want to feel connected and to seek that. What helps me is to be totally present in every interaction I do have - strangers or others, be there for someone, and let go as much as I could of my attachment to the outcome of that. Love is not a finite resource, only we think it so... each one of us craves to be seen and loved.

Lol.. speaking from a woman's perspective, I seem to always either run into guys who will only see me as a sex object, or marriage prospect. There's literally nothing in between. Maybe I'm in the wrong part of the country (fairly conservative).

I think your main issue is communication before anything. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to enter into marriage when you feel like you can't talk about these more uncomfortable topics as they will inevitably come up, yet. I mean they can be really tough to broach in the beginning but long-term relationships are like this, uncomfortable things will inevitably come up and it is always the willingness of you and your partner to deal with them as they come up that decide the fate of the partnership. Of course I am assuming alot here... there's never a guarantee to a marriage even if someone is a virgin, or that they won't stray from you. All of this will challenge you and is part of life. Of course I'm not saying if you have a goal don't strive for it, but weigh in on the fact that nothing in life is a guarantee, and then choose your preferences from that standpoint. Another angle I like to look at with the whole divorce situation (man being afraid of losing half the money) is that it is created by a larger societal problem... much more complex than I can summarize here. The fact that many women still have to rely on marriage as a survival strategy in most countries/places, single mothers are still over-represented in poverty, girls are not encouraged to have careers (in stage blue even orange societies still) but encouraged to be mothers and thus have nothing to fall back on, I can go on and on ... but basically this societal collective problem is manifested as 'man losing half the money' shock to men when it happens and so relationships have become much more calculated than it should be..

@Preety_India lol your detailed description sounds also alot like China. I really appreciate your honesty.

I mean it's already happening, not just AI, but also just through the sheer evolution of humanity beyond doing repetitive tasks - self-actualization. UBI or some kind of resource-sharing mechanism should be adopted for mankind to evolve collectively - not something just reserved for the few lucky ones.

Suffering can serve its purpose of propelling you to go beyond the ego, waking you up to your true self, for many people it's what starts the 'search'. Is that intentional or necessary? I have no idea but it is how it seems to be. And then when you realize that this reality can be different, you could choose to be more of that which you want to see in the world.