Nahm

@integral You’re missing the obvious. That the feeling of that is telling you.

@Travelion When time, space, self, other, life, death, light, and love are embodied, what remains is reincarnation. That (or ‘this’) is your actual ‘body’.

Just a different perspective, or lens that can be utilized...rather than ‘it was a backslide’....”What I’ve learned going forward is_________”. Or, “I now know more about what I don’t want, and therefore I know much more about what I do want which is _____, _______, and ______”. The actions and behaviors are not the entity. It is good to acknowledge the behaviors, but not always helpful to identify as it. What you do, what you’ve done, does not define you. Thought is for communication & creation, not identification (imo). A bit of a nuance perhaps, but a thought never identifies...a thought is sometimes mistakenly identified with. A thought is, a thought. You are awareness, aware of, a thought. There is no thing in this world like you, awareness (of those thoughts). Awareness (you) is infinitely powerful. Also just a different perspective for your consideration... If the focus is on ‘kicking my habit’, the focus is on ‘your’ habit, and being identified with it, or claiming ownership of it, is not exactly the same as noting the behaviors, with a little ‘you space’ between you & the behavior. Also, if impulsivity is simplified as just - feeling -...then....”in focusing on what I do not want, feeling is still telling me something”. It is possible there is something else you desire to focus on and create, and feeling is ‘telling you’ this. Idk, you’d have to ‘feel into feeling’ / listen to the message, so to speak. My impulsive habit doesn’t leave a lot of space, for you, and imo it is the youness that more of would serve the change you want. Revisiting that first perspective offered... To the extent you have less money, it could be said you are financially ‘further back’...but if feeling is heard, and you are not identifying (as mentioned above)...then you are actually ‘further ahead’ if you will, in personal development. “What I have learned is ______, ______ & ______”, might be a powerful, clarifying, and rejuvenating exercise of expression for you. A ‘shift’ into a whole new lens, you might say. Write a letter of forgiveness and love - to your potential. The thought is silly, the direct experience is powerful. Say what yo want to say to your potential. Be heard - it is listening. It can be very powerful, revealing, and renewing of energy to really articulate exactly what that ‘it’ is. You might find it is a perspective you picked up a while back that isn’t serving you anymore. Maybe about you, maybe about the world, maybe some of both. Scrutinizing as to precisely what that ‘it’ is can help noticing which specific perspectives are arising which do not resonate in feeling. I suffered depression, it sucks, and I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing that. However, I removed the label of ‘depression’, and listened to feeling. I found the depression never came back (bout 24 yrs ago) and feeling, that which I listen to, has never left since. That is, the guidance of what I called feeling, was more like a really good friend that actually always had my best interests in mind, was always loving me. Even when, and especially when, I did not believe it nor realize it was so. You’ve got to just continue to utilize your resources and research that. A psychiatrist with psychedelic direct experience would be the ideal resource, but I do not know of one. Google might. I’ll offer this... ‘this too shall pass’ is perhaps the most powerful statement. Be most caring for yourself in the sense, how you see things now will not be how you’ll see things for ever. Compare how you see things now to when you were five. Big difference...and it only gets bigger, and better, in this regard. More life experience = more and more understanding. Let go of thought & perspectives which don’t resonate swiftly - don’t dabble or dwell in it, allow them to ‘pass’...and breath, and feel. When they come, look for a pattern as to what they relate to. Look for reoccurring beliefs about yourself, subtlety underlying the context or matter at hand. In large part, psychedelics kind of ‘make you’ relax, breath, and be present. So choosing to do that now, again and again, is very cumulatively relieving, and simultaneously excellent preparation for when trip time does come around. Godspeed! Also, just sharing this cause I love ya. Hang in there! ☀️ It’s comin.

@soos_mite_ah Your response reveals much more emotional intelligence & maturity then I think you might be generally giving yourself credit for when it comes to the yellow and orange. I do not believe you have wasted time, I believe you are yet to recognize the deeper long term value of how you spent that time. There is natural genuine interest, passion & inspiration for purple and green. Not to compare, but to draw this out a little, how many 15 years olds have self actualization on their mind radar at all? One practical direct approach might be...how to bring that feeling (interest, passion, inspiration) to yellow & orange so they are not, as you say, neglected. If there was one more triangle above that pyramid, at the very top, entitled ‘my dream life’ - and you brazenly expressed it - what would it look like? (Not necessarily asking you to share it) Put another way, what is your dream for this life which is so exciting, so intoxicatingly inspiring for you - that you are waking up every day excited about watching it unfold - just this scrumptious little part - on this one day? This is a slightly different lens, in that what could otherwise be experienced as ‘mundane’ in the day to day, the ‘grind as a means to an end’, is instead recognized to be the very creating and unfolding of your life dream. The ‘seeing’ of it, and the feeling of it, before ‘it’ is physically ‘here’ - is the seeing of your dream, and is consciously creating. This is often expressed as the joy is the journey, rather than the arrival at the destination. We tend to lean towards thinking in those destination-will-make-me-happy terms...yet upon arriving at our ‘destinations’, we again & again see that we have already created new dreams, of new destinations. So it can rightfully be said imo, that satisfaction is in this very recognition, and never in a future destination, future feeling, or future recognition. If you zoom out, it is clear that you would not actually want to, say, take all the awesome experiences you’ll enjoy for the rest of your entire life - and experience them all at once in one day. What is really desired, is presence, or, unconditionally experiencing this ‘part’, this slab of the path which is now, for what is is, as it is, that it is, via seeing the holon, or, that this ‘part’ of the path is actually simultaneously the whole of experience. That this, is my dream unfolding. The feeling of that, is greater than the feeling of any thing, relationship, arrival or destination. It is that which makes all ‘good & bad days’ - great days. Precious, even. Just a suggestion... I would draw an empty pyramid on a blank piece of paper, and fill it in with the specifics of your dream, in correlation to the color coded sections of Maslow’s pyramid. One general example might be, I want a relationship (yellow), and my own place to experience it in (orange). Or perhaps, I want a room just for (orange) my canvases, paints, sketchpads, etc (purple). Or, I want a house (orange), so I can have sex (yellow) when I (we lol) want to (purple; spontaneity). (Fill in with your interests obviously) The experiences you already naturally want...and how they relate to the yellow & orange, stands to infuse yellow & orange, with the infallible awesomeness of youness, and the purple & green already ‘under your belt’. (Imo) Dreaming the life you actually want, expressing it & seeing it daily (such as on a dreamboard) brings limiting beliefs into the light. It helps us see that there is truth to ‘no one is stopping you’ / we only get in our own way. It teaches us to let go, it shows us how we create identities and in some ways pull the past into now...and this brings the only real teacher, the source of it all, viscerally into the living of our lives. There is no thing better, imo. From a proactive standpoint, this can be expedited. You could consider revisiting your op, and looking at (we all do it) your pendulum swinging. Look for views in which certain things are thought to be more ‘extremes’. Look to what the other side of that pendulum swing could be, and most often, this sheds light on any ‘barriers’ we’re holding.

@soos_mite_ah Does your usage of the term ‘self actualization’ refers to the top (shown here in purple), or the whole pyramid?

@Someone here Intention. It’s more of a gas than a solid.

Sounds like someone is trying to convince you their perspective is objective, and this is not resonating with your actual experience that you and he each have only a subjective experience and perspectives. How you feel matters, not what someone else thinks about you. They have their own feelings, you have yours. To threaten you with my suicide do to your behavior is innocent and disheartening, yet is also extremely manipulative and a loud cry for help. I should be seeking help and clarity & addressing my feelings in that scenario, not blaming & threatening you. It’s like a kid at a party in which everyone will not bend to their will and do and act as they desire, so they threaten to leave the party, rather than addressing their own subjective perspectives and experience, letting go of trying to control everyone & everything, and having a good time. Relationship wise, it is never your job or responsibility to pay attention to someone else. Someone acting like a child does not actually make someone your child. The ‘objective perspective’ is not a perspective at all, it is love, and it is ‘coming from’ within you -it is not coming from him. This is not to say he can’t be or isn’t being loving, just that the love you feel is not literally coming from anyone or anywhere - but within you. If you have attached to thoughts & perspective that it is coming from him, then you might misinterpret the feeling of fear (of losing him and therefore the love) when in truth, that feeling is the very love, sort of saying “wtf though? I’m right here for you sweetie, I am always right here for you!”. Take time away from him and reconnect within emotionally. It sounds like you’re ‘in so deep’ you can’t see the forrest from the trees. Get out of the forrest for a bit. Be careful as well, not to pull a reversal and blame him for any of this. That is only staying in the forrest and pretending you are not...continuing to attach the love you are to him, trying to make him understand, or apologize, etc. You can love him and love yourself, wether you are in a relationship with him or not. The more love you give, the more love you are experiencing & feeling. You can love so much there isn’t even really a you and others anymore. Just the love. Though I think all of that love, for now, really should be just for you. It is in fact what healing is. Allow it. Receive it. Let go of ‘barriers’, and like a helium balloon, love floats of it’s own accord - inherently, intrinsically, automatically. He could use sometime out of the woods as well, to know the tree he is. How he feels is not contingent on your behaviors, though it sounds like he very much believes it is, and that you have convinced yourself of this as well. Why believe what feels terrible? Why ignore the feeling, and believe the thoughts? For him? For your well being? Believing other people dictate or determine how you feel, is bothering you, because they don’t. The very ‘bothered’ feeling is the source of you, listen to that. Then don’t continue trying to force ‘logical acceptance‘. You are not responsible for how he feels. You are responsible for how you feel, act and behave - no one else. Stop ‘destroying yourself’ to make someone else appeased. You will never be able to get poor enough to make someone else rich. You will never be able to get sick enough to make someone else well. You will never be able to ignore feeling enough for someone else to have clarity. He must look within himself and understand what’s going on too. You are in fact completely logical. You’re just ignoring your feelings by placing his above your own, and experiencing directly that this doesn’t work. The next time you notice you are comparing yourself to his ex’s or to your past self....stop and point to these two things you believe you are comparing. Point to you, and point to his ex or your past self. You will see in your direct experience that you are you, and you are not actually making any comparison, with any actual thing, at all. Then, laugh, and enjoy the release of it, in the recognition of how ridiculous doing this has been. You’re creating your own suffering by trying to accept that, because it isn’t true. How he feels is always up to him, not you. Obviously, you have your own feelings, and therefore can deduce this logically. “I just really want to be able to accept that I'm a person who has made him“ = “I want to know the infinite creator, the unconditional love, that I truly am, the make of all things”. Consider reading up on codependency, enablement, self esteem, and the healing properties of human tears. Make a dreamboard. Put everything that comes to mind, that you want to have, do, be, and experience in your life, on the board. Maybe a relationship with him is on that board, maybe it’s not. But in doing so, in and only in the direct experience of doing so, you have rightfully, logically, and emotionally, placed your own love, healing, and well being first. If my kids & I fly somewhere, every single time, like clockwork, before that plane takes off, the flight attended is going to tell me - “if the shit hits the fan on this flight & those oxygen masks drop down from the overhead - put your oxygen mask on first - before you help your kids”. You are not much help to him, or yourself, or anyone else - all hunched over & passed out.

You tell me.

Let's put an end to all questions!

Imagine where your road is leading to...what you want to create to experience... ...then non-ignore-ance in feeling as you do. Surrender is then relative to what you are creating.

@The Don What is aware, other than, awareness?

@The Don What if it’s all as simple as there is no Don?

Body is releasing. Mind is latching onto narratives to (innocently yet unconsciously) prevent feeling (aka the body releasing suppressed emotional misunderstanding). It has nothing to do with any girl, relationships, chakras, depression, kundalini, shadows, what kind of man or person you think you are, dark nights, ‘speeding something up’ (avoiding feeling), a past, a future, etc, etc, etc. There is nothing for you to do about it. Get out of infinite intelligence’s way. (On a personal note, I respect your done-fucking-around-ness) ??

The experience.

You aren’t in the body. You’re appearing as ‘perception’, and labelling yourself appearing with the thought “body”. There is not a ‘you’ which could leave a ‘body’. (Body is a thought).

@VeganAwake Nothing wrong with expressing. Also nothing wrong giving credit to an author by adding the name to the quote. (Not implying Tony Parsons is a “guru”, nor that you are sharing the message of a guru, just the message of course.) ♥️

Thoughts about perception are not perception. You are believing you are defining perception. The definitions are actually connotations. In other words, that is not how it is, that is how you think it is, and you are experiencing how you think it is, but believing the thoughts and thus believing that is how it is. But perception is undefinable. The simplest way to say that is rather than not knowing, you are believing you are knowing. This makes you the knower, and all that you know, separate of you, the knower. That is how you’re creating the idea you are a separate self and simultaneously an adversary of the world and other people. That is why it feels that way, not because of ‘how it is’. We create meaning ‘on the fly’. It is nowhere in which it could be pointed to, and is only ever apparent now, and only as “thoughts”. Perception labeled with the thought ‘apple’, seems to define what an apple is, by indirectly defining all else that it is not. Thus you think ‘that’ is ‘an apple’, only if you believe the thought ‘apple’ is perception. An apple has never actually existed, only the experience of the appearing thought ‘apple’ and perception, and ‘ultimately’, perception is a ‘thought’, which is undefinable because ‘it’ is you. ‘Come back’ to direct experience. You definitely know what you don’t want. Write a list of it down, and write the opposites next to it. That, is what you do want, and you can have, do and be that. The “shit you can’t fucking stand which is offensive and wrong” (to ‘you’) is thoughts, not perception. It is an apparent perspective of a world which does not actually exist. Choose a hopeful perspective simply because it feels better than a pessimistic perspective. What you are wanting in terms of change for the world, you are wanting so you feel better. Nothing need change to feel better, as the perspective is what you feel discord or alignment with, not a world.

If you are the subject, and the awakenings are yours...is awakening the objects? Something you have? Question, inspect, scrutinize... How is time more than the thought, about time? How is a state more than the thought, about states? Can you describe / answer this, without talking about a yourself / without being the knower of (objects) time & states? Is perception “other selves”, or is perception perception? Are thoughts & words about yourself, actually about a yourself? What is the ‘you’ which is in time, in states? How precisely are you not the ‘time’, and not the ‘states’? What separates ‘you’ from time & states? Can a thought about a yourself, and or other selves, be true...if it is a thought? “And im not in that perspecive most of the time.” Are you aware of perspective, or is perspective actually something you are “in”? (If you ‘shift away’ from inspecting / answering those questions...just be sure to notice that, and not ‘beat up on yourself’ for it. Letting the thoughts appear & disappear, and feeling, is ‘the bigger point’. Careful not to miss that. )

@BipolarGrowth Love it! Short, sweet, warm concise delivery. Great work Brandon. Subscribed as well. Looking forward to whatever’s next from ya!

@VeganAwake ?

Yes, but still... the “sense of ‘I’ “ ...believes ?

@Antor8188 Why not you can let go of why me. ♥️

That’s gonna happen. You can let go of any inclination she is your job to work on. You don’t have to match someone’s vibe to love them. You got you’re own, and it rocks. You can not feel good enough to make someone else heal and feel good. They keep the past alive, or they don’t. Same for you. Be bold, you are already in the direction of well being. Can’t take anyone with you. I agree it is innocent as you said. As innocent as being on a forum talking about her now. Innocent, yet, you can notice where you’re focus is, and thus put it where you want it instead. Same for her. Suffering in life is the only actual teacher.

An illusion believes?

@Arzack You created it.