Gabriel Antonio

Sitting cross-legged is unnecessarily painful and uncomfortable. I always use a chair. I don't care what people say. If merely sitting on a lotus pose would do any good, countries like India would only have saints since regular people are used to sitting on the lotus pose.

You are searching for love. Watch this:

Could you elaborate on which techniques you use?

Good Day vs Bad Day I find it extremely interesting how a day can be considered a good day or a bad day depending upon the lenses through which you look at it. Yesterday I wrote about my day in a very gloomy way. I was labeling it as a bad day. Yes, I did overindulged in some ways. For example, I stayed too much time on my couch with a horrible posture; overate (as usual); and watched a low-consciousness, useless, and full-of-stimulation documentary about Kurt Kobain. In essence, I was feeling lazy. I feel like the really bad thing is not to be lazy itself, but guilting yourself due to your laziness. SELF-WORTH Also, I feel like I am developing my self-worth. I was reading through some texts of my own, and I was thinking, "Oh... that's not so bad." Sometimes we get caught up by how "liked" something we do is. PSYCHEDELICS I have been ruminating a lot over the Ayahuasca ritual in which I exaggerated, got into arguments with a "big-boss" there, and basically disturbed others. I want to do psychedelics by myself. I have found a guy who sells Ayahuasca, and I want to do it. It is hard to do a foolproof psychedelic session, in which I will 100% not get disturbed by others. PERSONAL INFO I have been thinking a lot about what @Dragallur and @JKG say concerning not getting personal on the public journal. I agree. At the same time, I realize that some information might help others. I don't really like computers and virtual things, but I do recognize that they can come handy at times. WORK I have been feeling very motivated with my English/Portuguese classes. I feel I am pretty balanced in general. I am learning things; I am introspecting; I am working. And the list goes on. My main weakness would be education. However, I am thinking about doing a CELTA course (which is to teach English for foreigners). That's it for today.

Hello, everybody! I feel like starting a new journal because I have just entered a new phase of my life. I felt a huge energetic shift yesterday (6-6-2017). Background story: In the beginning of the year, I was focusing a lot on meditation; then, over the last month, I have been focusing heavily on socializing. So, now, I want to find balance between these two. I realize that they are two poles of a spectrum: Meditation | Socializing Now: Meditation | x Socializing Goal (next month -- 7-7-2017): Meditation x| Socializing Anyway, my goal is to find a middle ground between these two. I am aware of dynamic balance, so it's natural to fluctuate between the two poles. Socializing: I feel like I have enough of commitments, friendships, and hobbies. Neither do I have to add nor remove any of them. Just keep them as they are. Meditation: I have just started a new journal committing to meditating for at least 150 minutes/day for the next 10 days. Despite the challenges involved in being more reclusive, I am willing to go through this initial stage. Right now, I feel like I even need more than 2:30 hours a day of formal meditation. Today, for example, I am shooting for 4 hours (still got 40 minutes left). On this journal, I will write about some random thoughts I have, my insecurities about investing more alone-time, and my emotions during the day. Thank you!

thanks for sharing!

How'dy! Self-Confidence Nothing to add here. Meditation I have been doing affirmations. I feel they are fortifying all my self-development skills. I repeat each affirmation 10x. 30 minutes sessions. Awesome! Work Had a new student today, and he thought the price of my class was the double of what it actually is. I almost let it be, but I told him the truth. Hehe. Dude. It was hard. I kind of regretted later, but I know that I'd overthink this either way. Comfort Zone Challenges I got a new student today who seemed very stressed out from work, really overwhelmed. So it was a challenge to tell him about the 1 minute of silence that I like to do before each class. Eating I love what a friend told me about feeling like you're pregnant due to overeating. I feel like that sometimes. Been eating quite a lot. White bread, lots of peanut butter (it's natural, but I add some cacao and brown sugar), and lots and lots of papaya. Random Thoughts I feel relaxed. I have noticed that an addiction I have is holding tension in my body. So I have put on a rubberband around my wrist to remind myself to relax my jaw, drop my shoulders, and stick out my belly. To-do: > Neti-neti > Vipassana retreat (it's for free!) > Prepare each language class with care

I am reprogramming my subconscious mind while fortifying my concentration. I have fallen in love with affirmations. I have been practicing it for hours and hours since yesterday. I fear I am being neurotic at times, but it does seem to be working like a gem. (Goal: succeed in practicing affirmations counting from 1 through 10. (E.g., "I am happy 1", "I am happy 2", "I am happy 3" etc.) silently in all situations. Including doing it simultaneously while writing, speaking, and reading. Be able to to be in 50% in the the affirmation counting in my head and 50% in the other thing I am doing. I feel extremely concentrated when practicing this technique, so I want to persist in prcticing it all the time as a way to maintain concentration, ever-increasing vibrational frequency, and peacefulness in my mind and body. This is slightly based on Thich Nhat Han work. I am already doing it even while writing this text. Dude, it is hard but it feels so fucking good. It is a workout for the mind. I am considering dropping my mindfulness habit because this affirmation/concetration technique has yielded great results. I can do both at the same time. I am accepting suggetions, questions, and feedback.

You seem to be really motivated to boost your life. Do your inner work, and the rest will follow. You will benefit greatly practicing affirmations because this technique elevates your mood, your beliefs, and your actions.

I feel EXACTLY the same way

do you think Matt Kahn is enlightened?

i've been doing 2 and 30 minutes of do nothing a day. i have been "meditating" using this technique, but all that happens is: i keep thinking of random stuff, like imaginary conversations in my head. then when i notice that, i say to myself, "AWARENESS!" or "let go" three times but that doesn't prevent me from thinking, nor do i feel any expansion of my awareness. i feel like i am wasting my time with this technique; yet i am too lazy to try out different ones. i know that i will slack off with other ones. the only one i am able to be consistent is the do nothing because it requires no effort, yet i don't see any results. i don't feel any peace, nor do i feel more present. all i feel is an escape from the world. before someone tells me to build a concentration habit i can't afford myself to do so, because i follow the psychology principle of adding one habit at a time. if i start counting my breath or something to quiet the mind, i will diffuse my focus, instead of just thinking throughout the day, "shit, i got to meditate." i will add another one, "i got to meditate and concentrate"; thus, i will backslide. please help me. i am thinking of stop meditating at all and just live for the world. i feel meditation makes me too uneasy.. i lose motivation to leave my house. everything becomes about me. and my thoughts drive me nuts. i am also eating like a pig lately. not to mention all the masturbation ... what the fuck is that? today i lied on my couch watching tv all day. that's preposterous. i should be more present but all i do is escape from the here and now. i am ruining my intimate relationships and my family relationships. and i feel like i am going crazy sometimes. i am also losing motivation to work. i also get waves of anger. this meditation thing is not working. everything is getting worse. anyway, shine the light of your awareness to this problem. i love advices, criticism, and brutally honest feedback.

@Prabhaker do what should i do? try out a different technique? i feel more present when i am out in the world doing shit than when i am sitting down doing nothing... maybe i should start taking massive action since doing things make me feel present... what do you think?

I remembered about you trying to explain to that girl about spiral dynamics. I didn't have enough patience to watch the whole video. I feel it was a boring-ass video in my humble opinion. Judge them more! great point!! We have to apply masculine compassion to our inner beast. Compassion ain't all just rainbows and butterflies; it can be a cruel thing. Scare off the inner demon! i always sit on a chair. if sitting cross-legged mattered, india would have only enlightened ppl. you're lucky that you have some intelligence unlike me who shares the hell out of me to the internet. i could tell you that that's self-torture and i could also say for you to relax. but no, i recommend you don't listen to any songs at all. goodness gracious, i thought this would be a soothing song for sleeping. namaste

Day 5 (7-12-2017) Total: 150 minutes Level of difficulty: Medium (6/10) 3 Thoughts/Insights: > You cannot hide nor lie to yourself for long enough in meditation. That's why it works. > I am nailing meditation. Question is: Is it becoming a mental masturbation? > Focus on one thing and forget the rest.

___________________________________________________________________________________________ BACKGROUND Prior Meditation Practice I meditated 4 hours a day for about 6 months (Oct 2016 - April 2017). This practice helped me rejuvenate, go back to my natural body shape, and practice hardcore comfort zone challenges. Hiatus However, I completely stopped practicing the do-nothing technique about a month ago, after a huge insight at an ayahuasca cermony--to focus heavily on overcoming shyness. Furthermore, I got very inspired by evangelical churches. In essence, I was both socializing and praying a lot. This worked pretty well, but now I feel an inner drive to turn inwards. Why? I feel like I have become totally part of the herd. The more I seek these outter desires, the less fulfilled I feel. New Chapter of My Life - New Journal I have another journal here on this forum ("Letting God Work Itself Through Me), which I don't feel like updating--because I feel like I am in a new chapter of my journey. This journal right here is to help me stay motivated to meditate, which is very easy to slack off. I feel like investing more time in contemplating life, having the courage to be with myself, and watching myself transform in this process of self-observation. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ PRE-TOTEM What could go wrong? - "I am wasting my time being alone. I have got to socialize more!!!" - Go to an ayahuasca ceremony (which takes place from 9:00 PM - 5:00 AM) and don't meditate the next day due to tiredness. - Think my situation is getting worse. (Reminder to myself: Expect your situation to get worse & thoughts of self-doubt) - Get influenced by what other people say about me. ("Oh, you're ignoring me", "You're acting all weird.", "What happened to you?") - Start focusing on other habits. (Reminder to myself: Just fucking focus on the meditation, and the rest will take care of itself.) ___________________________________________________________________________________________ GUIDELINES - Meditate sitting on a chair (or crosslegged) with my spine upright. - Can be indoors or outdoors - External sounds produced only by third parties (i.e., go to the quiestest place possible) ___________________________________________________________________________________________

Day 4 (6-11-2017) Total: 150 minutes Level of difficulty: Medium 3 Thoughts/Insights: > The problem is not that people or your ego dislike you, the problem is that you care too much. > Notice how much your mind exaggerates how "unpleasant" meditation is. The only times that I don't like to meditate is when I am not meditating. > Breathing is everything. Correct your breath, and you will experience life more deeply.

11:30 PM 11-Jun-17 Yesterday was an interesting day. I went from hell to heaven. During the day, I was feeling the worst I have felt in a year. But, then, I went to visit a friend... and... BAM! I felt so humorous, peaceful, and joyful. I felt all my problems, overthinking, and concerns were a joke. But, anyway, let's talk about today. Self-Confidence > I went out with a friend today downtown. She went by my house by surprise. I almost hesitated to go with her when she invited me. But, then, I turned off my logical mind and simply went. I love when I do that. > Life has many fine lines. On the one hand, I can't force myself too much (that clearly backfires). For example, I was feeling very talkative today. At some point, however, I do realize that I was forcing myself to talk--which is not pleasant. On the other hand, I also can't let myself go too loose. For example, if I don't get out of bed and just stay there, I will feel shitty afterwards, so it is better to just get up immediately despite not wanting to do so. Meditation > I feel I am finding balance between meditating and socializing. As I was going to my friend's house, I was telling myself, "Yes. That's a good balance. I have meditated, and now I am visiting her. Sweet." Work > I barely did anything today. I only prepared a class that I will give tomorrow. Comfort Zone Challenges > While I was downtown with my friend, I felt very courageous. I was talking to strangers on the subway. I made a compliment to a dude who had a acoustic guitar tattoo; I talked with a nun who seemed to be in a bad mood; and I made a little compliment to a guy who had a Barcelona shirt on the bus. Lots of things... Random Thoughts > The video "The Dark Side of Meditation" has been helping me go through this challenging period of ups and downs, of wild mood swings. It sets the right expectation. > I was sitting in meditation thinking, "Man, I want to have a more fulfilling life and really experience the beauty that human consciousness is able to provide." As I was thinking that, my belly was kind of hurting due to all the eating I did today. But, anyway, I know that this is a phase, and I am happy that I am keeping up with my habit of meditation despite not trusting it that much. There is a part of me that wants more, more and more. A part that thinks that I am not good enough just yet; that I have to check some boxes before feeling good. In a way, having goals is a good thing. Living out of hope is not that great, and it usually don't yield results. > I love when I am simply feeling relaxed, tranquil, and present. That moment that I don't have to force anything, that I am flowing with life. These moments come and go. > I like a strategy of writing that an English teacher taught me. Write as much as you can until you got no words left. I am sorta trying to do things here. At the same time, I realize that there are people who are gonna read this, so I want to at least polish this text so that people can read something without so much unnecessary info. > I have been seeing a friend, whom makes me feel good. I am totally in my comfort zone when I am talking with her in a way. I feel like meeting new people. And I think this need is kind of annoying because I am hardly ever able to stay still and simply appreciate all that I have got in my life. I am always looking out for more, and more, and more. > I was talking to a friend who is a History teacher. She was talking about how bad chalks are. They are still fairly common in Brazil. She teaches at a place called Paraisopolis. There is a pretty crazy pic of that region of Sao Paulo. On one side of the image, there is a slum. On the other side, there is a super luxurious apartment with a pool on each balcony. > When I let myself go, I often start regretting of the things I did, even though they were fun to me at the time. @JKG I was in a strange mood. Let me explain why I want to lighten up my boat, see if something resonates with you: I am pretty neurotic at times wanting to fulfill all my habits. But after having a moment of such deep relaxation yesterday, I began finding funny how serious I take life. For some reason you came to mind while I was writing that journal entry--don't really know why. Maybe because I see a lot myself in you. But, anyway, that was a lame post. I even deleted it. Haux, haux, haux

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Day 4 (6-10-2017) Total: 150 minutes Level of difficulty: Hard 3 Thoughts/Insights: > I feel like I am fooling myself into meditating for so long. Maybe I should focus on more basic things... > I want moments of true and enjoyable solitude. Lately, my meditations have been like hell. And this is not a good thing. Instead of me going out and see people, I isolate myself. Needless suffering... > I have realized that I have an extremely pro-active part and an extremely lethargic part. The goal is to integrate them.

Self-Confidence > I was reclusive today. > I am beginning to trust myself more. I don't feel the need to be another person when I am around others. Who I already am is enough. > I did not go to my meditation group meeting today. I was almost forcing myself to go there, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed home and had a very restful sleep. > I saw Leo's "How to Be More Patient" video today. Maybe I am psyching myself out of this self-confident project. I have received many criticisms from voicing my thoughts more, being more courageous, and trying new stuff out. However, something clicked in me today. "OH! It is normal to not have good results in the beginning. I am actually in the negative in this area, so I have to be extra patient with myself." Meditation > Meditation has been in the center of my life. All other endeavors have become secondary. In other words, I focus my conscious energy into pulling off my meditation, and I delegate to my subconscious mind all other things in my life. For example, I don't worry about what to eat, if I am exercising or not, or if I am having good relationships. I trust that with enough time, the fruits of my meditation practice will bleed into all other areas of my life. Work > I got a new English student today. She is good. > Three years ago, I took some expensive American accent classes. They were amazing. And now, I feel confident with helping people improve their pronunciation. Comfort Zone Challenges > I didn't step away from my comfort zone today. I didn't feel this need. I am applying awareness instead of brutely taking action. > A simple thing I did was: I was feeling heavily reclusive and tired. However, I chose to go buy some peanut candies ("paçoca" hmmm.... delicious!). I was happy to see my friend who sells them. I only interacted the minimum with her, but it was sorta nice. I was very distracted. I even forgot my keys there. But anyway... just a silly moment that will be completely forgotten in the myriad of experiences. Random Thoughts > I realize today that I am in a war inside myself. It is like a "good" part wants to discipline the "bad" part. But that's all ego game. > I like that I felt good today despite having overeaten. > I love to take a long walk while listening to Leo.

Day 4 (6-9-2017) Total: 240 minutes Level of difficulty: Medium 3 Thoughts/Insights: > Everything we do is an attempt for us to feel well. That's the ultimate result we want. To feel well. > At some point, unwanted behaviors simply lose their pull over us if we are flexing our awareness muscle daily. "Eating a double cheeseburger? Why would I do that?" The key point is to always observe yourself, and change will pour in. > I like to set "interval bells" for every 10 minutes so that if I am about to stop the meditation prematurely, I tell myself, "Ok, let me wait until the next bell rings."

I was inspired to contemplate the desire to eat thanks to you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I have been wanting to remind you of a self-help concept. You already know it so ignore it if it doesn't make sense to you. Remember to focus on changing one thing at a time. Idk if this applies to you, but it certainly applies to me. Since yesterday, my only rule has been to meditate for at least 150 minutes. Let me explain: I sometimes am like a micro-managing boss. I neurotically try to correct everything that I don't like about my life. But when I simply focus my energy into one big thing--meditation--other aspects start to correct themselves. I certainly forget about this principle over and over. I always tell it to other people, but I don't always follow it. hehe. Next thing I know I literally want to fix 20 things in my life. I am able to pull it off for a few days, but I eventually backslide. It is easier to keep track of just one thing and let the auto-pilot do the work for other things. With enough time, all aspects of my life will start to vibrate in the frequency of meditation. In other words, change one thing, and the rest will auto-correct. On the other hand, I do realize that a natural desire for more habits arises after we have successfully installed more basic ones. Anyway, I feel more creative and freer after I took off the weight of improving so many things; and simply focus on one. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Good. Awareness!

Day 3 (6-8-2017) Total: 255 minutes Level of difficulty: Medium 3 Thoughts/Insights: > I am able to digest all the info I am bombarded daily when I meditate. > It is a real challenge to be a hardcore meditator. But I do think it is possible to find time to do so. We only have to strategize in order to pull off lots of hours of meditation. > I had a deep natural urge to meditate today. I was with a friend, and I was thinking, "Man, I can't wait to contemplate life in my meditation." I have been craving for my solo times.

Self-Confidence > I watched Leo's video about confidence today. I like his approach of slowly breaking out of your shell. Consistency is everything. > I feel like I have enough social "obligations" (e.g., english classes, spiritism center, and meditation class). At the same time, I am open to going out. But I won't be hunting for them, nor will I go to very far places to meet with a friend (maximum time: 45 minutes by bus). > I feel like deciding to focus on meditation has allowed me to be less needy. I don't need the presence of others necessarily, because I know how satisfying solitude is. Or maybe I am just deluding myself here. Social interactions haven't been fulfilling me. Meditation > I was worried that I wasn't going to pull off 4 hours. But I did Hooray! It was actually quite easy. > I took a nap during the day which helped boost my meditation. > I am attracted by solitude. Well, mainly because I feel pretty lost in the ordinary world. Being able to stay by myself for a prolonged period of time numbs me down in a way. Maybe a better verb is "calms." > Meditating for a prolonged period gives me a sense of console for the day. Like, "Oh, it's ok that I feel shitty today. I am here for the big picture. I did my fair share today." > I feel like I am meditating "wrong." A lot of times I feel very unconscious when I am meditating. That's pretty creepy to think about. I do get some very sporadic flashes of consciousness. > Two days ago, I was at a friend's house, and I decided, "I am going to focus 100% of my attention in my breath." So I started counting my breaths. "In, out 1; in, out 2; in, out 3 etc." I felt very present and concentrated. But counting my breath takes so much effort that I find it impractical to implement that in my daily life. > I am going to my meditation group tomorrow. I get lots of monkey chatter when I meditate in group. > I like the fact that when you decide to meditate, you are consciously removing distractions for a certain amount of time. Work I am an ESL (English as a Second Language) and PSL (Portuguese as a Second Language) tutor. This helps a lot with socializing. I gave two English classes today. I feel I am getting really good at organizing the classes. I have been making plans for each class. This helps me a lot. Three things I was able to implement in all classes that's out of my comfort zone: 1- I always do one minute of silence when we start and another minute when we finish. 2- I put on some 432 hz in the background. 3- I do a mini-quiz about the vocabulary and pronunciation we saw during the class. Comfort Zone Challenges > I feel like doing softer comfort zone challenges. > I did a sincere compliment to a woman on the street. > One student almost forgot to pay me for 1 class. I thought to myself, "Ok, I got to let her know." But fear arose. I almost did not say it. But I have become so accustomed to facing fear and getting uncomfortable that I simply said to her. You might ask yourself, "Did he do it in a shy way or in a confident way?" Let me tell ya: In a very, very shy way. But, hey, I did it. That's what matters. "Speak even if you voice shakes." Ralph Smart Random Thoughts > I like how I literally don't have to do anything in order to feel good when I am meditating. The trick is to be patient. In my day-to-day life, when I am feeling depressed or lazy; I motivate myself to do stuff by talking to myself, "Ok, Gabriel, time to move your butt." But, in meditation, we learn that being with the emotion, the pain, the unpleasant thought without any input from us is all we need to transform them. We, then, become aware of the impermanent nature of our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. We can tell ourselves, "Oh, this thought is unpleasant. That's ok. Before I know it, it will pass." > I like that I take cold showers every morning almost effortlessly. I have become pretty experienced with that. The level of difficulty is probably 4/10 even in cold days. I have been taking cold showers for 2 years now. People get very impressed when I tell that I take cold showers. They're like, "Why the hell would you choose that?" > I have been jogging for 40 minutes twice a day while listening to Leo, Ralph Smart, or Matt Kahn. Great company. > I have been eating a lot. I am training myself to become aware during the process. I clearly know that guilting myself not to eat backfires, so I am using the alternative of in-the-moment observation that I learned on Leo's video "Awareness Alone is Curative." > I saw two episodes of "Avatar: The Last Airbender". There many teachings on that show. For example, "Sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing." and also "Worry less about where, but more on the going." Hasta la vista, baby!