First Week report:
SO MUCH CLARITY !
That's how I will describe it if I was too lazy to write anything else
Thoughts have dropped by 50%, and they can't bring me inconscious anymore, not even for a second or two like before.
They appear as a ghosty voice, located near the head, but I'm still fully conscious and alert of my visual and auditory experience when they pop out.
I can choose not to think at all most of the time, just by focusing on my breath, sometimes I don't even have to do anything at all, just sitting and being aware of what I see/hear is enough.
The identification to them has also dropped quite significantly, there is way more distance between me and them so to speak,
That's how it feels, it's obviously not a real world distance thing.
Thoughts are more like an another experience, just like any other sounds or visuals now, but are still predominant over them.
It's almost like two years ago, except now I know it's not an experience but just how it feels when you are dedicated to stay conscious whatever you do (witnessing every sensations/thoughts/visuals) and allocating 2/3 hours of deep meditation in your schedule.
Internally, It still feel like I'm a human being, BUT, I can clearly sense there is nothing solid in me, I'm empty yet full of energy, it's a paradox, but it doesn't feel like a paradox at all.
I still think and feel I'm the body/mind, but It also feel like the body/mind isn't really there, like a projection, a simulation in a computer program.
I strongly intuit and feel in my self-inquiry, when it gets really deep, that the things I look at are also just empty AND intensely alive, the screen analogy is perfect to describe that, except in this case it's in 3D.
Visually, it's as it everything was alive, even inanimate objects, it's very subtle, but it's there.
Also, every objects/people share the same "source", it's like everything is made of the same thing, but looks very different, also very subtle (almost impossible to feel If I'm not very aware).
Everything is way more beautiful to look at, watching trees leafs moving because of the wind is EXTREMELY satisfying, so as watching a river moving.
Observing birds, hearing them, is just a joy in itself, I could literally stay hours just doing that.
There is also an intense connection with animals, it's almost feels like love, it's amazing.
Staying and being in a forest is POWERFUL, didn't experience something as powerful yet, you just feel at home, totally in synch with everything.
Sometimes I have the impression that trees look at me, that the wind moving leafs is trying to talk to me...
Emotionally wise, my craving for sex is almost non existent (it's not flatline, I feel energetic).
I don't think about sex, I don't feel the need for it, even if I'm talking to a really sexy girl.
What happens is that the attraction creates energy that circulate through the body (still have to learn to do that properly though).
My desire to get enlightened is almost gone (even in self-inquiry).
It's weird, because there is no desire, but at the same time there is a strong "pull" to discover the truth.
It's not neurotic, it's not a craving, there is not even an emotion, it's just a "pull".
Boredom doesn't exist, how could you be bored if you can be fulfilled by watching an inanimate object ? Feels impossible.
Fear is interesting because since there is such a distance to thoughts and emotions, fear isn't that fearful.
I know what it is, and I know I can go further If I really want it.
Don't get me wrong, it's still really difficult to deal with, but only when it really happen.
I can imagine all sort of horrible and uncomfortable scenarios in my head, and it doesn't do anything anymore, and if it does, I just think about it until it doesn't.
Sadness/loneliness, can't talk about it, didn't felt those emotions yet.
Happiness ? No I'm not, there is joy though, rarely but it happens sometimes.
There is a deep stillness, peace though, it's in the background whatever I do or feel.
That's what you really want, not happiness, happiness is conditional, peace isn't.
Also, and this is the most beautiful insight you can have down the spiritual path.
I KNOW that everything I need will be given to me, when I'll need it (=/= want it).
There is no doubt about that anymore.
