laurastarla

Buying my apartment 5 years ago was the best financial decision I ever made. I just paid it off in April, so now living rent free; and it's worth 40k € more than when I bought it. With no rent, much of my salary is being saved for a down payment on a 2nd apartment. That one I will rent out, and the renter will pay the mortgage. Why is all this especially so great? Because I can quit my job, and dedicate my life to long term service in Vipassana centers, while I receive 1000 € a month renting my 1st apartment, and the 2nd one will be paid off by the renter in 15 years. This is all right outside Paris where home prices will only continue to grow. I guess the choice is give up some freedom now in exchange for freedom for the rest of your life. I don't see it as 'going into debt', it's investing, and if I had figured this out in my 20's I'd already be at Vipassana long term now!

Vipassana is to see reality as it is, not how you want it to be. Your plan is to manipulate reality to get a result you crave, plus you are willing to lie to the community to get what you want. Surrender completely for the 10 days, then when you reap the benefits of your honesty and letting go of your ego demands, do LSD when you are in that more pure state at your home where you won't affect your fellow students with that vibe.

I would flip my lid for Buddha and Gas Pump, but we may need patience; I just went on his website to see how we could all suggest Leo to get him on faster, and their 'Suggest a Guest' page is on hold as they have hundreds to consider ! https://batgap.com/future-interviews/suggest-guest/

I just spoke to my fav VIP teacher about this - knowing that VIP is my path, but also found pranayamas and Breaths of Fire can kickstart a VIP session, esp when lost in monkey mind. She said, surprisingly, a little yoga is fine, just not as a full-on technique - so don't do an hour every day of each and mix up their strategies. I agree with herghly, dedicate some time to each technique fully, and see which one speaks to you. Then concentrate on that one, but still test out other things don't limit yourself. Don't waste too much time collecting everyone's opinion. Here's my opinion - I like Kriya because it involves conscious control and it's enjoyable, whereas VIP is releasing control and accepting when it is NOT enjoyable without trying to change that, so I want to be careful, because I love control and crave that my meditation brings peace - that's why I feel VIP is right for me, at this time, and I don't want them to cancel each other other in some way. Keep me posted how it goes!

a lot of lsd and mushrooms years before, and those were mostly wonderful. So I had a good mindset about psychedelics. Before the 5 meo, I had only a year of serious meditation and work under my belt, and a clear intention (or so I thought), to know the truth by using it. But I was still undergoing a sort of painful time, maybe that was what colored the experience? I really want to try again and break through that fear, but I admit I am still scared!!!

would love to know the answer to OBler's question - if anyone has personal experience with this thanks!

Thanks Tarzan I'll do that appreciate the tip!

I did 5 meo dmt 3 times 3 years ago and I was not ready, it terrified me. I became very afraid of death for about a year, that is might be some 'hell space', an infinite feeling of being absolutely lost and falling in a dark hole for eternity and never finding solid ground. I swore off 5 meo dmt, too scared to lose myself in that void again. These last 3 years I've been working like a madwoman to get past demons and shadow, you know the drill. I feel ready to try again (soon) - but my 5 meo dmt stash (chemical) is 3 years old and was REALLY hard to get- does anyone know if it goes bad?

I hear you, my questions aren't getting answered there either, so I'll answer you! Based on reading the entire Kriya mega thread maybe you should do them together as they are progressive and build on each other. I personally don't waste time on anything else but go straight to mahamudra, pranayama pulling up and down the spine, supreme fire and concentration. During the day whenever it's convenient, I do alternate nose breathing, which is great for relaxing, but would probably be even better integrated in my morning practice. I find during Vipassana meditation and Bikrams yoga, the deepest moments come after longer periods of time, so it makes sense to do longer sessions rather than splitting them. For me, maybe others have different experiences, and also, I am a total Kriya newbie so just discovering myself!

Hi guys, I’m a serious Vipassana meditator and since I started Kriya a month ago I have the free flow ! – trying to stay equanimous about that progress, but not succeeding ? Since there are so many variations on the techniques, I adapted to what feels right, and curious if this is ok or if I’m starting bad habits. Mahamudra Eyes open or closed ? How to do neck lock properly as I am tucking my chin in towards my body? In fact I don’t get the neck lock at all, I am just holding my neck upright ?? I am missing the subtlety. No more attempting Ujjayi breathing during other techniques, I just can’t get it and it distracts me. I heard it’s better not to force it (Mountain Cactus in this thread I think), it will come naturally one day. These breaths are short (6 seconds in, 6 hold, 6 out), due to moving and breath holding I have trouble elongating them, Pranayamas are twice as long. Pranayama Drawing pranayama up and down sometimes it flows in the center of my body rather than directly on my spine, what about you ? I don’t feel 1 & 2 very well, while 3, 4 & 5 are super obvious. Supreme Breath of Fire I do the 3 body locks then hold my breath as long as comfortable. How long are you waiting in between ? Are you using Om or concentrating on prana at all or looking at the 3rd eye ? do you have other advice or what works for you for this technique ? Sleep – insomnia, waking up every night at 3am and never really getting back to sleep. So always fatigued. But never felt so connected & in tune to my body ! Would love any feedback on any of this, or is that comparing ? ;-) thanks !

On the cultural point- I've been living in France for 12 years, they are crazy about their wine! But I don't know any French person who drinks daily. I asked a bunch of people while I was out tonight - consensus was 2 glasses of red wine a day is too much. Some people mentioned their grandparents or people in the countryside might still drink wine with every dinner. Not meant to be scientific, mmkay. Over the last 2 generations consumption has cut in half (a french dude googled this, we were super into it.) If my goal is to be aware, why would I do something regularly that I can literally feel sucking away my level of awareness and suppresses energy the next day? Sure once in a while, like you are saying, no need for a fixed rule; the only times in my life I had a frequent desire to drink were - tough times when I couldnt deal with myself. When I'm in tune I just don't desire it.

Anybody going to Byron Katie's workshop this Saturday in Paris?

wow I can't believe it, you are right about the bans. All my posts and subreddits are gone ! Not sure what I'm allowed to tell you... after 2 weeks of non stop googling and talking to whoever would answer me online (1.5 years ago) I found my way, you'll laugh at how easy it is once you know and do it right (like enlightenment haha). Google for days, reach out to people, and connect the dots. Stick to the Netherlands and Canada, and if a substance is classified as illegal in your country, don't ship, GO there! If you smell something shady, keep looking elsewhere. There are legitimate and safe ways to do this. Well, you do have to stretch your definition of 'research', but forget onion, darkweb and bitcoin, it's not that complicated! Maybe it's changed in the last few years, but that is my firsthand experience.

Legal in the Netherlands for research purposes. I got great info through Reddit, start there! Sifting through the bs is labor, but once you know what to do, no need for darkweb. It's not categorized yet in France since it's rather unknown, but shipment might be confiscated at customs since other similar substances are illegal. Have it shipped by land, not air, as airports tend to have stricter customs control. There's a retreat near Amsterdam providing legal 5 meo and mushrooms in a safe environment.

Your fab post reminds me of my friend, who is the alpha lion in the African safari. He fills the room with his animal presence, he swoops up the cutest girl(s), for the first 5 minutes he intimidates every male. But he has such open vibes, he embraces everyone with warmth, he actively talks to everyone with this huge smile, so instead of creating hostility, the other males (who are competing for the same females) are drawn to him and want to ally with him rather than 'fight' for dominance. It seems like, since the females are shining for you I wonder if instinctively you are preparing for competition with the dudes, subconsciously, they are reacting to this ? Maybe shift your energy so you are welcoming them in your tribe? thanks for your honesty I love it! On a side note, I wonder if my friend is truly happy with his forever rotating 7 woman harem? ;-)

hi Dan thanks for this I need to unload, ego in huge overdrive! I work with 3 others girls, we each have our own boss but we are part of the same assistant team with same job title and responsibilites. A couple of months ago one of the bosses gave his assistant the right to work from home, so now she just doesnt show up in the office nearly weekly. I asked my boss for the same right. He said no for a couple of easily arguable reasons. I've been a mess over this. Bigtime ego Its not FAIR reaction. I feel disrespected, disregarded etc etc etc No presence, total monkey mind, obsession & neurosis for days. When she doesn't show up I feel jealousy and even hatred, especially hating myself for not being more mature. Longtime meditator and been using tons of techniques for allowing & respecting feelings, shadow work. The old wound this is opening is 'I am not as good as others, I don't count'. I want so badly for my boss, who I deeply respect, to validate me by saying, you DO deserve to be treated fairly, you matter and I hear your feelings. But my boss should not be my therapist. Do I express my feelings or learn to accept this inequality because 'hey sometimes life isnt fair, am I going to destroy myself over that?' I am afraid to tell him how I feel, but I'm headed to a nervous breakdown thanks for listening

When I was preparing my first 5 meo dmt dose memories of all of the drugs I did a long time ago came flooding back. Hours of the most meaningful discussions, amazing insights, believing I was cracking secrets of the universe. Looking back at those times as real as they seemed, they were just delusions and fake intensity. But yet - I felt so deeply connected to people that in my 'real' life I wouldn't enjoy at all, every thought fascinating- isn't that what we hear the truth is, connection and boundless appreciation for all? That's what I want to find out you know, just like you, WHAT IS REAL ? With 5 meo dmt, this is different, right? I was running from the truth then and now the goal is to experience truth. People here have already described beautifully what I went through, the terror and awe, animal like regression, vastness. I felt the infinity coming on rushing in streaming out- it was too big for me. I surrendered enough so as not to completely fall into the terror but no did not go all the way. I kept thinking oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck and then oh god and then it's too big too big oh fuck oh god. Interesting I thought 'fuck' a lot more than 'God'. What I'm feeling now is disappointment, am I just getting cracked out on drugs and my ego wants to believe this is some doorway to God so I can say wow I experienced God? and because 5 meo dmt may not turn out to be the catapult I've been hoping it would be. Or maybe I'm just scared to do it again and convincing myself that. Maybe I don't believe I am worthy, that I could really be a part of what I felt. Maybe I am terrified of being overwhelmed, serious engulfment. What if this experience was fake, a drug induced hallucination and another ego manipulation I am tricking myself into. Oohh a new fancy toy that will grow old like they always do and you put it away for the next new thing. And then I wonder if what I am saying now is just an ego manipulation, so I won't have to go all the way. I'm doubting my ability to really do this, failing, not being conscious and courageous enough, and this disappointment could be with myself. There was no pivotal choice moment. The universe said here are all the oceans now swallow them whole in one gulp. I am just this tiny little human like thing, I said, without speaking or thinking, what you are asking isn't possible, the oceans are too big for me and you know that!!!! How can you ask me to do what I am not made for doing??? And then I fought with the howness. This is not literally what happened I'm trying to describe the feeling underneath it all in retrospect. I want so badly to stop being this "I" that wants things so badly. I didn't feel that this a decision I get to make, to surrender. I get angry, like when will the grace moment happen, when will the universe decide I can feel it's oneness, why does it still keep myself blind to it and lost in this illusion of separation as we all love to say? No, YOU are blocking yourself off to it, by still believing you are this tiny human like thing, but this 'you' doesn't exist, how is that possible then?? How can something that doesn't exist be in a sense stronger than the all and the nothing?? I feel like a baby whining why do I have to go through the terror to get to the joy? Why doesn't the universe just take me - especially since it already is the case that I am already taken! and it's not even my choice, 'I' am just a pion. I feel almost ... bullied and toyed with. Yeah yeah victim victim. I know it's bs. I've just realized I'm talking about the universe as if it's this enormity of all that is and I am a pitiful thing outside of it, waiting for the day it will decide I am good enough or have done enough (or suffered enough maybe) for it to open it's door that I can come in and be accepted. mmmm this vision of God definitely could use some working. Even the 5 meo dmt I've turned it into a 'will I be able to do it good enough', even though all of my discussion is about how I don't get to decide. Oh man this is not just words when we hear over and over the ego has to die. Torture in ego's eyes like burning in God's light. Maybe we have to look death straight in the face to finally know it isn't even there at all. And 'I' have to do it, even though 'I' will not be doing it, and am not even capable and nothing even will be being done.

I may have missed something but - why are you meditating so late when your body is winding down? Why don't you meditate during the day, or figure out your rhythm and choose a time when your body is most alert? Here's some things you can try- Go for a run after school, play basketball, or whatever kind of sport you like, wake up your body, then meditate? Right after a shower? Do 10 minutes of yoga before and get your blood flowing, a few sun salutations and you will be ready to go, really stretch and open the body. Try it outside in the sun. Dont do it when you are tired and when your body is telling you it's time for sleep. Sit upright in a chair, keep your back straight and high and try with eyes open. You just need to experiment with different times of the day and different styles til you find what works for you, and definitely 20 minutes a day to start.

The freaking feelings seem super conscious, I'm painfully aware of them all them all the time. I watch the thought get triggered, the feeling come, then feel it. I'm interested in where you are going with this? They keep coming I think because they are connected to subconscious material of abandonment and feeling unlovable that I've had all my life, so I think this 'siutation' has become the embodiment of that, to bring it out, I guess. If i could forgive this, and look upon this person with love and kind wishes, and see this situation as coming for my good, to help me, instead of crying about why all the pain, that would be a huge key, maybe THE key. Instead I focus on what he might be feeling now, strong probability you are right about his life, but still why is this so important to me? Because I want him to be suffering, which keeps me suffering. WTF I want to unravel this 'I' that thinks it needs things and let it all go, the same 'I'that want to unravel stuff. There's also a belief that pain is necessary for growth, that keeps me stuck too. Figments of my imagination are controlling me. Thanks for helping me think about this.

I have the same issue and what I've noticed is that when I'm feeling good with them, it's always because I'm feeling good inside, and when I'm feeling separate - it comes from me. And when their conversations are boring I'm learning how to not feel bad that I don't include myself, who cares really, and faking it is torture as you say. Why do we think this crap is so important, this social conditioning??!! Great practice in not caring what people think about you, accepting others as they are, not judging their interests, and feeling good no matter what the external situation. If you love your job thats incredible and not easy to find IMO, be grateful for that. Take this as an opportunity to strengthen yourself inside. Feeling isolated, different or left out comes from you. Who says we have to follow the pack and be sociable all the time. Look it's still hard for me and sometimes I just wish they would shut up lol, but I know when I'm feeling that way it speaks about what's going on in me, so thats good stuff to work with. At the same time I genuinely like my colleagues, it's just they are all French and I'm the only American and so there's a big cultural gap. If you really don't feel any connection, it's true you spend most of your time with them, it's important the people you have around you in your life, and maybe your desire to be part of a group is stronger than mine. Also remember colleagues come and go so one day your new best friend might be hired, the dynamics can change ;-) So consider all that too. Good luck!

ha that last line made me laugh out loud. Yes the freaking feelings are constant and it's because the thoughts are constant and are triggered by everything around me. I've spent the last year practicing being present with these feelings and thoughts and letting them come, and they just keep coming and coming, for A YEAR. This guy has tons of friends and an amazing family, but yet I do sense he feels alone (because of guilt for the sex and pot), but that may be a projection. Listen I am focusing on feeling bad by allowing all these bad feelings all the time, like festering, thinking i am 'working through them' and thats what I'm getting more of. I wonder if I am just re creating the same pain over and over. He is doing everything he can to feel good, getting rid of those bad thoughts and feelings quickly through external stimulation, and he gets more of feeling good. That's what it looks like and man it seems like a pretty good deal compared to what I'm doing. If he doesn't realize he is suffering - well is he??? and yes he can do it forever, he's been doing it for 20 years. So not only do I resent what he did, but also that he's living it up and I am stuck dealing with the aftermath. I loved what you said when you realized there was nothing to forgive. I would LOVE to get to that point of awareness.

Can we really say people who enjoy things like smoking pot and chasing sex are doing this out of suffering? Can't some people just enjoy these things like we enjoy seeking the truth, that is a kind of truth for them of what their life means (pleasure seeking and hedonism). If these things make them feel good? I know someone who fits this description perfectly, and I need to forgive him, but all I see is the fun he is having living this way and it might help me to see it as suffering - but I think he really just loves living this way and has found what works for him. And I'm jealous because it seems like he has this really passionate life, while I'm sitting here facing and accepting my freaking feelings every day and can't find my way, what makes me feel good.

I'm going through the same thing. Am I 'incubating', going inward and discovering what is there and so this withdrawal is incredibly courageous and part of the process, or am i afraid of the world because it seems to hurt me and I want to hide and feel safe. And the pain - is it coming out because there is so much there that needs to be acknowledged and purged and given a voice, and everytime I feel it and let it be and express is a layer peeled, OR am I recreating the same pain over and over needlessly. I had a sort of revelation that my ego might be playing this super manipulative and twisted game by convincing me I need to be living like this so I can hold on to something, anything. This identity of a spiritual warrior that's not afraid to go deep is just a mask of the me that is afraid to go out and be hurt again. At the bottom of all of it is fear. Maybe this question is dawning on us because the alone time is coming to its natural close and we are getting ready to open again. I hope! It's not in our control anyway, is it...

Can you guys help me with a decision? I know it's already decided for me but I'm still stuck in the game! I found my DREAM apartment I want to buy it. Everything I want BUT- it's by a train track and silence and calm was my number one priority. The trains are rather loud and frequent. I've thought about looking at the trains like accepting things I can't control, the coming and going of everything in life, finding peace inside despite what is happening in the external world, using the noise as something to meditate with, connecting with an unending rythym of life.... man how will I meditate with trains passing every 5- 10 minutes all the time? Am I making a big mistake will I regret this? How do I know what my intuition is saying? It feels right... but.... what if I'm just trying to convince myself? Has anyone dealt with constant noise in your living and meditation space when your number one goal is peace? When I get quiet I feel like I want to move there, but then I'm anxious to find something too. Can I turn the noise into something beautiful? Or should I listen to the voice saying 'you know noise bothers you'? I love silence... and I love this apartment. any insight I would be so grateful!

Jenny from your writing i sense you do the same thing I do - 'I already know this, I've already tried this, I see this and that clearly, and yet I can't figure anything out and I'm still all messed up'. I've been investigating this nicely packaged ego trap I've created for myself - by making this my identity I can continually eat up information (even though I already know it) and run around in circles thinking I'm doing all this hard spiritual work and look how deep I am and how I see so much more than those believing their illusions and thinking things matter- and still sort of, feel sorry for myself because I'm not getting anywhere (at least not quickly) and so get to blame everything else and stay in victim mode when it suits me, and as you said, 'poor me.'. Yet it feels so REAL this poor me, that is what is scary about it. We know we are bs'ing ourselves but it's beyond us to stop. Maybe that is a core belief to untangle 'I know all this stuff, I practice all the tools, and yet I still can't get it right'. Underneath that is 'there is something wrong with me.' You said you love so much enlightenment work - as long as you are still confusing yourself you get to continue it. Imagine if you really experienced it, this frantic searching and intellectualizing would stop. who would you be then, what would you do, what would you enjoy. We want more than anything the truth and the answers, but we want more the endless searching in some way, and identifying with this 'deep, insightful yet lost soul' we are pretending to be. I guess ;-) If we could stop being attached to this definition of ourselves if it would all just melt away. But then we start asking, but HOW, and the whole game renews itself. Uggggg!!!!!