Adrian colby

@Leo Gura I’d be guessing this is an attempt at revitalising the likes of the Ancient Greek mystery schools? where there is a period of epistemological deconstruction and mind fortification followed by an attempted direct experience through the substance holding the intention from the study period? it would be nice to see those that get the insight at these retreats ( in person helps to clarify things) and to try and clean up the corruption that’s spread into the ‘spiritual’ community, if you can still call it that. also reading a lot of comments I’m guessing that from the location of the Netherlands you’d be opting for the pure THC? I certainly found cannabis to be a good gateway to a lot of absolute level states with better insights. the other thing I was going to mention was Ollie Martin down the south of the country on the German border who I recall was synthesising 5MeO. He keeps and breeds the frogs but wanted to stop ‘bothering’ them so went into synthesising the chemical instead and might be a source. i had hoped to create a study group at my place when I had set it up to go through deconstruction with people but I gave up on the idea because I was encountering too many people just going to retreats for ‘trauma’ resolution or personal problems. Any of those who I answered with advanced spirituality started latching onto it and using it to deflect from facing sorting themselves out first so I stopped teaching and went into space holding instead with basic psychology, CBT, Socratic methods. it be nice to have the resurgence of a proper mystery school again… I’d change the word ‘mystery’ though.

Think of it like peeling back layers. Your first instance is your interaction with this reality which is relative and through your higher cognitive ability the capability of projecting meaning and purpose onto the occurrences that happen around you or should I say within your experience.You do this from an individual identity and therefore your own bias and preference or even conditioning that you were brought up with so everything can be seen as a duality. When you strip all of that away, you experience everything happening as it is without the projection of meaning on top of it. That would be your non-dual awareness but it is still experiencing form in contrast to other form. If you strip all of the form away you are left with just awareness. there’s nothing but that: alone and solipsistic. A lot of people dismiss and disregard the layers whenever they peel them back to see what is underlying all of reality but when you come back down on your return journey, it’s important to distinguish between absolute and relative. The relative occurs within the absolute and yet you don’t have access to it when you become an individual experiencing separation or form in contrast to other form and on top of that again the meaning and the purpose that you project onto it to experience your life. You don’t have the ability to change your control anything at the skin layer of reality all you have is your understanding of what lies underneath. you can have moments where you become conscious of that but you cannot function in reality purely from that state of mind. this is an issue that occurs with people who have a full awakening and people who don’t have full awakenings if you simply glimpse the non-nature of reality and come back into reality it very often happens that people use non-dual understanding to gaslight dismiss and bypass everything in lived experience. It may not necessarily be that they have a full awakening to get over this but rather an understanding of the whole as an opposed to the part that they’ve just seen underlying everything. I see this happening a lot where spiritual people use it as an identity to gaslight and dismiss other peoples lived experiences instead of understanding that those experiences are part of the whole and are meant to be integrated and understood. trying to force solipsism or non-duality onto everything around you when you are in a state of consciousness that is individual and separate is never going to work. understanding the solipsism is meant to bring you peace, and knowing about what underline the whole of reality not some idea that you can project onto other people. And no pun intended, but that is for you and you alone.

I’ve freaked people out by turning up in their dreams and then reporting what was experienced after waking up. I’ve been known to hijack people who are in the company of a friend ( when I don’t know them or anywhere nearby) and report to the friend saying the exact phrase the person with them has said. I also had premonition lucid dream two nights in a row with the same person where I was clearly ignoring the fact that I loved them and in one scenario wasn’t able to rescue them from drowning in an ocean with no edge or surface. Following two days of silence then she contacted me to say she was in hospital and had suffered a stroke. To this day I refuse to ignore the fact that I love her as she’s created so many heart opening lessons and realisations for me. I’ve had one telepathy incident with her and several with my wife( one being clearly audible even though I had headphones on at the time). the last being dream interpretation or psychedelic ceremony interpretation which people perceive as some psychic power but it’s just the Socratic method of analysing and being astute to how the mind interprets its own states to create lessons and insights. People freak out saying I somehow gif into their heads, messed their brain around and then reorganised if for them making everything clear.. or placing the insight clearly in front of them ( just guiding them to their own insight)

First relationship was a guy in my class that lasted for a year and fizzled out because I just liked girls better I was hurt by thefirst I approached, a friend, but I approached her not directly. It was a childish teenage love letter and the friend never spoke to me again after that which scarred me. ( expressing love= rejection). First actual girlfriend abused me physically for her amusement but love = not being lonely so the attachment was limerence not love, it was a year with potential marriage discussed but she was 19 I was 23. She left me while I went into hospital so wasn’t able to go to her and find out what happened but I couldn’t be friends because of the deep feeling of betrayal and loneliness. Turns out she’d been with plenty others ( but they didn’t actually bother me) what bothered me was I found out she was with me because I was an unusual novelty (DSD). my second girlfriend ( third partner) became my wife after dating, living together and agreeing to run the business of ‘life’ together. I’ve been with her for 21 years and have grown and matured along side her. We both had to have a mature and respectful mindset for that to happen as some of the challenges would have broken us up. I do feel like I have missed important stages and experiences of life especially with meeting and being intimate with others but it’s not really a case of missing out as I really had no interest back then ( Demisexual) no attraction until the person is known for at least two years so it’s considered a kind of A-sexuality. however. My heart started to open last year, I began to stop masking autism ( ran out of energy to do it and got a diagnosis that my wife suspected for ages). Trying to align more authenyically I just sat with the realisation I was just not a monogamous person. As much as I e agreed to tackle the challenges of daily life with my wife, I am not shut down to living and being intimate with other friends provided expectations and consents are clearly discussed before deepening any contact. My rejection of total monogamy comes from seeing through colonialist structuring and conformity which doesn’t ring true for me otherwise I would not feel love for people in my circle or allow it to deepen when it is needed or wanted for connection. I certainly have preferences but with 8 billion soulmates out there why prejudice one! it was a challenge to get over the jealousy and self worth hurdle but realising I am not a posession and my own autonomy doesn’t actually affect her, allowed both of us to continue to explore and experience life without being limited by each other at the same time of agreeing we were both the choice for living and experiencing/running daily household life together. Living the rest of my life without experiencing love in its different forms would be a waste of life to me. I prefer if to hating and so allow it if it is there. We are much happier people if we are allowed to love whether it’s wanted, needed, or just for deepening connection. They are fleeting moments but cherished one’s non the less if I was stuck in the marriage with no option to experience life now then yes the marriage would end but it’s not just about partners and sex it’s everything the ability to explore one’s life without being contained or possessed and controlled by someone e else.

Yes it’s a trap in spirituality if you are trying to deconstruct reality to get a glimpse of the source. It’s a distraction on that side of god realisation or source recognition. however on the return journey it is a recognition of all states of consciousness and the infinite variety to be explored. It’s also a gateway to explore the godhead at subtle levels ( as Leo says, the level of intensity will never be anywhere near the energy of a psychedelic bu t it’s still possible) it really depends on your own authentic purpose. it can become an addiction and take focus from here and now, but in order to do it you have to focus here and now in all states. It’s about disciplining the mind to focus in any appearance of an external reality including this one we are most familiar with. It’s just another facet of the mind to be explored and I don’t obsessively spend my time doing ‘spiritual or consciousness’ work. all I need is right here and there’s plenty to do and learn that offers the same lessons as higher states. being fluid enough and unattached enough to shift states is what I’d describe as a kind of liberation. when the universe becomes your oyster, it’s up to you to decide what takes your fancy.

Of course you can. That’s what the exploration of consciousness is. ( the flip side of spirituality).

You could try astral projection or dream shifting. it takes time to master it though but the exercise itself will strengthen your minds focus. If you develop strong emotions or loose focus, the dream falls apart and you wake up back in your regular body. staying aware while your body falls asleep isn’t easy. You have to be completely serene. Any excitement at all or moving the body at all will ruin it. i used to walk around… or fly around my house at night when I was a teenager but I got berated for talking about it with my family so I stopped doing it and lost my ability. i decided if I was going to verify it ( after I had an awakening) that I would have to experience it fully conscious from start to finish. From the second I lay down on the bed till the moment I sat up on the edge of the bed. it took me 15 years to get it back but I managed it December 3 years ago and verified for myself, it is indeed a real thing. i mainly use it for fun but I have been able to shift into psychedelic spaces/states of consciousness and have ended up in the light a few times as well using it as a gateway to get there. psychedelics of course are the easiest way to get into other states of consciousness but I didn’t really understand what a conscious state was until I started ‘reality shifting’. meditate into a state of no self or dark void with no body. The mind is always creating something to grasp so if you hold your focus another reality and body will form. It will become just as vivid and physical as this reality. When you are in It, ground yourself quickly by touching or tasting things and paying attention to details. You will have different abilities then you have here as it is less finite. theres no end to the strange places I’ve been but I’ve had enough of isolation so I’m trying to verify contacting other people in that state. I’ve had a few interesting occurrences including ending up at a friends house where I’ve never been before ( we had an argument so she was still impressed on my mind when I went into that state so I’m not surprised I found myself in her room). I contacted her and my group the following day, unaware it had been her house and just sent in sketches and renders of what I’d seen. She jumped in and said the pictures were of her house so I described details of furniture and items in her bedroom which were all correct. Just one example. check out Tom Campbell or Bob Monroe. These set up the Monroe institute for out of body research.

Insane forms can tip into peace if it’s sustained because the distinction disappears after a while… or you die if it’s an injury. intermittent and intense… nope. The contrast between the two , the presence of the distinction keeps it going as a ‘thing’. I can’t sit through intermittent and intense pains only sustained pains. I do get this ( not so much lately) but it’s like being stabbed from the tailbone up the spine like a clap of lightening. It nearly make me crash the car when it happens while I’m driving or jumping up out of my seat taking sharp breaths but after the several hour long session with sustained pain I’ve learned to stay focused through it. It helps. i also noticed an anticipation before it happens so I’ve caught myself doing that which has stopped it happening so much. Strangely. If I lend my mind to it, it makes it more intense, if I don’t, if lessens. 🤔

I’d say that’s a distinction between mental anguish and physical pain. Suffering being a result of the former but not a necessity of the later. I had one mushroom trip where I was in quite a high level of pain all over for several hours but I sat still for the whole experience and didn’t allow my mind to produce any thought or narrative. In that instance I observed and experienced the pain but was not mentally bothered by it. More fascinated at following the sensation around the body. I took that and applied if several times to small incidences of pain in my daily life and didn’t react to it. When the mental anguish was not present, the level of pain was diminished. But it’s not something I’d dedicate my life to trying to eradicate. I know the ‘suffering’ is necessary to an extent for survival cause if you didn’t have the thought to move away from what was causing the pain because it was hurting ‘you’, you probably wouldn’t last very long. So I’d keep a little bit of it but try not to allow it to extend into victimisation or wallowing for long periods of time. ( don’t know why I’m saying that. It’s really basic stuff for the level in this forum)

I’m not downplaying the complexity of it ( I’m not expanding what I’ve looked into for the sake of not putting a thesis into a reply) I get what you’re saying and respect that but I’d also caution the assumption you’re making. We all have variations to differing degrees and they do affect how we respond. You’re not the only freak out there. For example: regarding THC, @1mg or less, I stay in it for 7 hrs+ that equates to more time to stabilise and look around. I get the same on any substance regardless of dose. it’s not a pissing contest ( that doesn’t equate to deeper insights unless one knows how to contemplate or observe using these as a tool which is why I think your retreats will be a whole different ballgame for people to teach them and guide them how to do that more efficiently without projecting their bias onto the experience) . The length and depth I can go in doesn’t change that but the way I use and understand my mind does. I do limit dose because beyond a certain point it becomes pointless. My 5MeO limit is 14mg. beyond that it’s just noise and no insights occur( that maybe just the way my person is built or the ointment at which my intellect becomes useless… when I say intellect I’m refering to the platonic description of that part of the mind that knows god not the human logic and reasoning centre) . I get about 40-50mins in that state while others around me come out at 20 or less. They also don’t contemplate or observe, they react so I’m surrounded by crying, screaming, rolling and vomiting and often just freak out confused instead of integrating! I’ve had a few very welcome isolated facilitations without all that ( in the Netherlands). The extension of time and depth I go in, baffled and somewhat frightened my local facilitator including the insights I came out with and until recently I wasn’t aware that my genetic mutation was involved in the same metabolic pathways as breaking down a variety of substances. Which may explain why this is happening. my medical condition is partly caused by a genetic mutation responsible for neurodivergent development, hormones, receptors, regulation, neurology, sexual development. ( I get receptor starvation because my hormones are not metabolised efficiently so I need HRT to increase the amount. Meaning in regards to certain substances, my p450 enzyme is down regulated and the substance isn’t broken down properly and is in my receptor for longer keeping the pathway of perception open ( I’m simplifying, not going into explicit detail here. I do know the details and the gaps in the research). That same enzyme and sub cyp’s is known to break down a selection of medications and plant medicines and it does it ‘slower’ in my case making my endocrine system less efficient but benefiting my psychedelic use because it slows the metabolising of them down giving me more time to settle, go deeper and explore in those states. I’m suspecting it would be similar in your case although the pathway is different it would still be linked to the p450 enzyme production. the first THC experience I ever had, the dose was less than 1mg. I didn’t even finish it I went straight into 5MeO state and I recognise it well. (5MeO was the closest description I could find to what I experienced sober- my first awakening after a spate of contemplative/deconstructive work and meditation so it was the first substance I ever took or worked with.) The THC facilitator freaked out because my body collapsed unconscious as though I had just puffed 5MeO or DMT and he had never had that happen before. I went straight into infinite singularity and couldn’t get out of that state until I figured out how to ‘create’ reality. I remember one of your videos about reality is being ‘imagined’ at an ontological level but until this trip I didn’t understand because I didn’t have direct experience of it. I literally had to imagine a boundary outside of myself to imagine a reality in and imagine every finite detail of absolutely everything and hold it as a belief that it was real in order to maintain the experience of a reality at all. It took forever. I literally had to recreate the universe I just dissolved to re project my awareness back into it. I understood it then. This happened after a month long contemplative deconstruction process that ended in the throwing away of any and all beliefs about anything. The same process that led to my sober awakening experience before I had ever heard of a psychedelic. the facilitator wasn’t aware you could go to that level on THC but I explained you could do that on any substance. It’s more to do with how you use and understand the mechanism of your own mind and how well you go between observing and mapping without rigidly solidifying any of it. I’ve no doubt you’ve reached the levels and insights you have and you’ve dedicated your purpose to this. it’s a great service to have access to your experiences albeit indirectly because we’re not all going to go there. I’m not disputing any of this. You’ve had the time and opportunity to go to these depths. Others haven’t had the same amount of time or opportunity to dedicate towards this. That doesn’t mean they can’t and it doesn’t make you exclusively freakish ( yes it does to the majority here but not the only one who can) and there maybe a mechanism to unlocking that block ( receptor binding time) . Is all I’m saying, it’s worth looking at for someone with any interest. I have experienced this and I am aware of the mechanism within me that may explain why I can go there when others can’t. As you say, just another freak.

I agree on lower dose and was trying to explain this to someone who kept pushing me to just take 5g and it would solve my problem 🙄. It doesn’t! I get far more out of low dose contemplations or just plain meditation contemplations which leads me to my next point of interest. genetic mutation for differing metabolism. I stumbled across this when offering a fun fact about not eating grapefruit before taking cannabis. I’m becoming aware of a persons genetic disposition and a pathway that might explain why people like ourselves have easier access to expanded states on lower doses where others don’t. And it’s not actually a case of dose… I recall you mentioned you had thyroid issues ( I’m not sure you said hypo or hyper). If it is a case that it down regulates, this is actually a pathway that extends chemical binding in receptors so your nervous system has more time to stabilise and explore in the altered state compared to other people making it more accessible to you to have profound insights. I have a genetic mutation in my cyp17 that affects p450 enzyme function the same as thyroid affects p450. This enzyme is involved in breaking down chemicals so if you have a predisposition to slowing down that metabolic process, you’re more likely to have extended receptor binding. More quality time in the altered state not necessarily dose. It’s like naturally lemonteking where the gateway of perception is open wider for longer ( the longer only applied to slower metabolisers) personally I prefer low dose to keep the intellect in tact and to ‘bring’ it into the state. people with regular metabolic systems go into and out of peak experiences more rapidly making it harder for them to settle and observe which is why you get quite a few becoming disorientated and incapable of integrating. Their nervous system doesn’t have time to stabilise in the experience. i was going to write a more comprehensive piece about it elsewhere in the forum but though it would be of interest. im looking at things like grapefruit to help with slowing metabolic processing of the compounds after learning my own genetic-enzyme production and processing pathways operate much the same way and this might help people on a lower dose who normally need a higher dose. It’s more about extending the receptor binding time so they have the chance to stabilise in the state so they can observe it properly.

Yep. I stopped teaching advanced stuff when I saw a few using non duality to gaslight the people still back at trauma resolution. It became clear they were using it to bolster their own ‘spiritual’ identity by dismissing the conscious experience of others as valid. I was holding space at other facilitators retreats but I wanted to start my own that had at least 6 months of philosophy, psychology and deconstructive work before going near a psychedelic but there just wasn’t anyone ready for that so I went into psychotherapeutics approach instead as that is what was needed. deconstructing reality back into the ocean of consciousness doesn’t negate consciousness/existence itself and clinging to non duality as an absolute forgets that the dream is still made of consciousness which the exploration and understanding of duality is a part of. i think a lot of people in this work focus on the contraction back to the singularity as the goal and forget that everything that is ‘imagined’ within it is still a part of the whole. having godhead or even further back to source, realisation can help clarify understandings of duality. even better to have a group of people to engage in a dialectic about it that is in person. @Leo Gura yes certainly interested in details, structure of running this retreat.

You’re not the first I’ve heard mentioning intent to go from isolation to human connection in the past few weeks. It’s a theme that seems to be popping up in a lot of circles. ( I like to think the story associated is about the reconnection between people in a time that fragmenting is getting fairly hairy but ‘shadow’ has to come to the surface to be acknowledged, studied, understood, resolved and integrated before humanity can slowly become even a vague bit more conscious) I certainly can relate after a time of doing serious deconstructive work, understanding and having the experience makes the exploration of the ‘dream’ a natural progression from isolation/one to unity/oneness. There’s no point going further if you fragment from others because of a level of understanding that’s so far removed from others. so it’s nice to offer a pathway for genuinely interested parties to come part the way toward you so you yourself have more conscious connection in this experience. it is very isolating when no one understands the insights and I’ve personally struggled with my only contact being text on a screen. I guided one of my ‘soul brothers’ to go beyond their idea of god and to remember guided meditations and essays I’d described deconstructing back to simply being aware of awareness. He went all the way back to the source on a DMT trip and our bond has got so deep since, it has nurtured the bonding of the entire group. It’s really beautiful to feel such love for so many different types of people but for the two of us particularly the recognition of the awareness seeing itself in the other and there’s nothing like it. id certainly be interested in retreat for advanced exploration. Sitting in a circle with people not going beyond trauma/conditioning work gets tedious especially holding my tongue when it comes to advanced topics, these people are no way ready for. it’ll be a bucket list want but more importantly is the in person connection to experience the full communication that just can’t be captured in text or video. just a question of getting into the States when my type of human is slowly being made illegal. I think flying into and staying in vegas should be ok in that regard🤔

yes that would fit the description. One ‘no thing’ stepping over its own imagined boundary into a hall of mirrors… it being the mirrors capable of reflecting to infinity and reflecting infinity. Nicely poetic. also thanks for the inspire. I’m going to go watch that episode again 😁

I’m not being very deep here just saying something for the sake of saying something for sayings sake….. much like the return journey after recognising solipsism. first the flight of the alone to the alone through deconstructing everything, collapsing and condensing it back to a singularity ( awareness) solipsism. then after solipsism… the exploration of consciousness. What it set out to do in the first place. But forgot… again. instead of being conditioned in a behaviour, you’re now choosing something to experience and learn from. It’s different for each extended node of awareness. For me at the moment it is love and connection with other beings. I found the way to the ‘one’ in isolation but to find my way to unity and ‘oneness’ I do it through connection to other nodes in the dream.