Adrian colby

Pass… got diagnosed as level 2 ASD in June after a masking collapse that left me energetically floored. It was like fighting an ego dissolution but slowed down to real time including the dissociation. Even the weeks after the event felt like a disturbingly still afterglow… but do you know what? I found authenticity. I literally had no choice. There was no capacity to mask left.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DfAxPv_PEIq/?cplk=bjh2eWhzcDdjZHBl confronting your subconscious although part of his argument actually sounds like he validated what he was doing…..🤦‍♂️🤣

I actually noticed that recently ( although through the symbolism of blocked chakras) the crown and throat were not ringing out when the bowls were vibrated around them. I just want to be clear. I hold no belief about healing modalities rather, I use everything as symbology to point towards intangible mental mechanisms the same as I would in a dream of psychedelic journey. in this case the crown turned out to be my receptiveness and acceptance, then the throat was expression. if I didn’t voice my concern about something someone did to me, including being very explicit about it right down to the ‘spiritual’ level, I had not completed a cycle creating a pathway for understanding or attempt at such which meant my receptivity for example accepting an apology without me expressing explicitly what had happened and the other person understanding what I was pointing out, I could not just sideline what had happened and accept an appology because I wasn’t looking for one. I was looking for understanding and growth in both of us in order to continue being receptive. you can’t Appologies for something if you first don’t understand the circumstances that led to that point. That’s simply camouflaging one’s own standpoint and bypassing the evaluation. I see it as a failure of responsibility within a relationship or how someone is blind to how they relate to the ‘other’ things, people, circumstances in which they are a part of especially when it’s starts to spill from their own personal experience out into others and begins not to just be some conceptual belief they hold but a movement that harms others. if we live in a relational space with others whI have greatly varying levels of cognitive and cultural development, the ones who simply aren’t aware enough to realise their type of bias is not a moral superiority, need to be contained to keep interpersonal ( or wider societal) relationships functional.

Was thinking about the anger thing and had a thought about top down thinking as opposed to bottom up. so by top down, I mean you start with some kind of concept that has a narrative built around it and you develop a belief about something being wrong or harmful and develop a visceral hate. ( usually derived from fear or ignorance due to uncertainty). Conditioning and trauma maybe present too. the bottom up version is that as time goes on you accumulate a series experiences of either psychologically or physically harmful occurance. Maybe you’ve researched the geneology or lineage of something and discovered it’s based on a house of cards. Maybe you’ve spent years deconstructing and understanging that behavior but not looked after yourself by allowing a constant infringement of your personal boundaries. Anger developes as an emergent factor of the evidence supporting it when tolerating intolerable or harmful behavior can no longer be justified. conditioning and trauma maybe.. especially trauma is a part of that but when talking about an organism that maintains itself by recognising its own boundary and preserving the coherence of the pattern it experience as its ‘self’, anger is an important part of flushing it with adrenaline readying it to take action to preserve itself, whether physically or psychologically. The anger is information ( as Leo says, that points towards something that should be evaluated as a checks and balance for self deception but it shouldn’t be dismissed altogether because sometimes that information necessitates a pushback for not just survival but also thriving and experiencing in a shared reality.

Could you explain what you mean by Christ consciousness and how you can discern what is really happening if what you’re describing here is still a state of identifiable boundaries and distinctions that’s being interpreted through the lens of a ‘self’?

Well I sent it anyway and got a response full of sovereign citizens movement. Legislation being passed when everyone is distracted, the great awakening is happening, and dark satanic forces are real and that I might want to check what I believe….. 🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️ sometimes compassion is not appropriate. additionally added after contemplating this for a while, I’ve decided to do a deep dive into what I already know to be a pile of nonsense. But there’s no point starting from nonsense. That’s just blank dismissal without understanding. I’ve already looked into this when writing the ‘conspirituality’ essay so this is going to go deeper into the pivotal points where original ideas became concepts within belief systems that were acted out within a culture. Essentially taking the ‘appearance’ of something as proof of an organised agenda when the idea itself is an accumulation of evolving historical beliefs.

Being (Source) Mind (the universal organising principle through which infinite potential becomes finite possibility.) Imagination (the activity/capacity of Mind through which possibility can take form without yet requiring physical actuality.) Distinction (the differentiation of possibility into discernible forms and relationships and patterns.yin/yang two or more- multiplicity) Life (the emergence of self-organising, self-sustaining patterns capable of maintaining, adapting and developing themselves through relationship with their environment.) Experience (the conscious feedback through which life encounters and registers its relationships with itself, others and its environment.) Meaning (the significance an experience holds for the self. the way an occurrence matters, affects, or leaves an impact upon the one experiencing it.) Preference (the orientation that develops through meaningful experience, drawing us toward what we seek to return to and away from what we seek to avoid that becomes intrinsically part of the identity.) Purpose (the direction that emerges from our preferences; what we are drawn to pursue, cultivate or bring into being through the patterns of what matters to us.) Expression (the fully embodied and uninhibited living of purpose, integrating experience, meaning and preference into the self and allowing them to be lived outwardly with confidence and integrity; felt subjectively as joy, bliss, euphoria and the aliveness of being fully oneself. Singing, dancing, creating, exploring, flow states) Love (Being) acknowledging, accepting and allowance of what is, the feeling of fulfilment and completeness, one and the same as source, full circle with a conscious growth or expansion. Underpinning all of this is another important aspect. Authenticity the underlying consistency that runs through the entire process, allowing experience, meaning, preference, purpose and expression to arise from what is genuinely felt rather than what is imposed, expected or performed. It is the fidelity of the self to its own lived experience. The joy, bliss and aliveness of authentic expression arise from the absence of inhibition or contradiction between the lived self and its expression. These are the chapters of a book I wrote after a friend asked me what the meaning of life was. The thing is meaning is an emergent phenomenon of life so prior to meaning being created from within lived experience, life has no inherent meaning of its own ( the non duality/nihilism that forgets to reintegrate everything that it deconstructs overlooks at what point meaning occurs and why it is relevant) Each individual is unique and no one will have the exact same experiences or interpretation of their meaning. The question is whether you are choosing your preferences from authenticity or from social, familial or traumatic conditioning. you’re authentic meaning and purpose to your life are exclusively yours and no one should judge it, likewise your preferences and how you live are not inherently or universally ‘right’ so should not be used as demonstration of moral superiority or judgement over others ways of living. my own personal expressions are certainly questioned within a society that is conditioned to thing only certain things are ‘right’ but if you are going to be authentic to your own lived experience, you can’t be anyone other than you regardless of what other people think or project so just be yourself. Don’t allow others to impose on you ( just remember you live in a shared reality so you also have relational responsibility within that)

I’ve been sitting on this for months because it’s taken a long time to contemplate and write. im still uncertain so looking for other perspectives the piece would otherwise be about ‘compartmentalisation and the loss of relationship’ a bit ironic because this is happening with family members too. it happened after I confronted a shamanic friend about an ongoing worldview that eventually crossed a personal boundary and I’ve ended up trying to , yet again, explain the universe just to communicate an understanding. it’s long, I’m not going to go into the backstory but I’ve recorded the audio so can listen instead of pasting reems of text.

I can’t function at all on 5MeO THC or mushrooms… my body gets left on the floor like an old coat while existence goes and does its thing. I’m curious what it’s like for other people who seem to be able to move, walk around, have full blown conversations.

Some music https://youtu.be/FqrGDgb5V1M?is=sIAmj8K-hMTj4lxI Won’t embed this, don’t know why..🤷‍♂️

Old paintings

Old work

Go back. Don’t live. It’s not worth it.

Meaning of life? …. Someone in my spiritual circle asked me what life was about and as I answered… it turned into a book. I need to upload the audio file for you guys.😳

Oops. I’ve actually gone olive green since 😅. The rainbows are packed away in the attic till next June.