Adrian colby

"Do you think you could have learned to accept your biological sex and pursued your life as a woman?" I do accept my biological sex and this is the reason that I am 'not' identified as a woman. I was not born biologically female or biologically male but somewhere on a spectrum between the two. I had several years of doctors medicating me with female hormones and anti-depressants, trying to force me to adopt the female gender but it ended in a suicide attempt. Had 'they' known or bothered to test my biological sex and accepted it, then this would never have happened. It turned out I had gonadal dysgenesis. Although I had female genitalia from the outside, I was underdeveloped on the inside. The uterus was not an average size, one ovary was missing and the other seemed normal. This was not linked to transgenderism, it was still considered underdeveloped 'female' and didn't explain the persistence in rejecting the gender role of a girl or a woman. The Irish doctor insisted that the low hormone levels were the reason I was feeling de-feminized and had continued to sweep it under the rug using hormones and antidepressants hoping it would just go away. It wasn't till I attended a gender team in Europe that I first heard the term Gender dysphoria or transgender. After my mother went to the health services executive arguing that adequate services were not available in our country to treat me properly, she came home and told me there was a doctor in London who was interested in my case. As far as I was concerned it was just another doctor and I had already given up so that's when I attempted suicide. I stabilized in the hospital and was let home but instead of going to London, I was passed onto the European gender team at a university hospital that was involved in ongoing studies into the condition. When I traveled there with my mother they ran the scans again and discovered a 3cm growth protruding from the ovary and it was not producing estrogen. After talking with the team for two hours, they diagnosed me with congenital gonad dysgenesis and Gender dysphoria (AKA transgenderism). I was immediately booked in for a full hysterectomy and ovaranectomy soon after that because of the possibility of oncogenesis/cancer). I was back in the hospital a week later having the surgery as the Irish hospital said they couldn't carry out the procedure by laparoscopy and would have damaged blood vessels and nerve ending needed for the genital reconstruction surgery in the future. They would not consider starting gender realignment surgery as it was protocol that I attend the clinic at least three times over the space of two years and satisfy that I was living as a male full-time while on testosterone with no adverse effects. They agreed that mine was an exceptional case but even still they had to follow their protocol. I started my HRT and went into education for an engineering-orientated discipline followed by university. I was 27 by the time all the surgery was completed. I also involved myself in a genetics study at the same clinic in the early 2000's to discover that I had a genetic mutation that is only found in biological males. I was not ever satisfied with the level of explanation about my condition, how it came about, what exactly was known about it so I started exploring that myself. I was interested to find out another study showing that the neurological structure of the brain was sexually dimorphic and that when they looked at transgender brains, they were the sex that person was claiming to be. I never bothered going for any more tests or research because I saw it as just more attempts at me just trying to justify my own existence. I knew what I was so it was time to get back to living it. "What if hormonal treatment didn't work properly and left you in a weird (ugly) shape?" "ugly" is subjective. As a teenage boy in my head, I was pumped full of female hormones and expected just to accept it. I couldn't have imagined anything worse than the way I felt. When I finally started HRT with testosterone, it took a few months but I started to feel great. Whatever way it was interacting with my body and neurology, it seemed to be working just fine and agreed with me. ( it's not the same for everyone.... I know that). On the female hormones, I was lucky enough that my body didn't change. all I needed was a little bit of liposuction on the chest but I didn't need anywhere near a full mastectomy. I was booked into a local hospital for gynecomastia removal (something usually done for men who have hormonal problems or serious weight issues) I was just lucky enough that I escaped any scarring, gland removal or sensation reduction in the nipple. everything is as normal as you would find on a man. Even the team in Europe asked me why my chest was normal because most transgender people in for surgery don't look like that. Most guys actually put on weight to hide breast tissue and require a good deal of surgery to remove it leaving visible scars. even if I were 'ugly', If I felt ok and was able to get up every day and function, the ugly would be beautiful to me. "You had penial reconstruction, right? does your penis work properly? Did you have kids?" Yes, I had 'forearm radial flap phalloplasty. This option was chosen from a few as it was the one the gender team had the best success rate with. I asked them to disclose their failure cases and the professor in charge openly handed me the case files so I could read them. It was an active university hospital that continued to monitor its cases as part of the classes for its students. There were 2 failure cases on file. One person had a complication because their blood vessels constricted and cut off circulation and the penis necrosed. They were a heavy smoker who had been warned about the risks but didn't do anything to kick the habit and they also didn't stop their HRT testosterone and let it run out before the surgery. Testosterone is a steroid and constricts the blood vessels so it is asked that patients stop their HRT before surgery. The second failure was caused by a friend of the patient who brought in a bottle of whiskey and the patient drank themselves into a stupor and ripped their appendage off. My surgery lasted 11 hours and I was in bed in the hospital for one month. I had to learn to use my bladder ( not penis) bladder again so it took a while to learn how to go to the toilet again. I think this was because I had a catheter and my bladder muscles had stopped working properly. There were no complications with my surgery. I had an erectile implant and testicular implants put in the year after. The erectile implant broke so it was replaced with a different type but that was the last time I had surgery. I haven't been back since and have had no complications. My penis works perfectly for all of its functions. My wife says that it looks like a circumcised penis and feels like any other normal penis. I told her to be brutally honest about it so no bullshit. She says it's indistinguishable from any other guy she's been with other than it's her favorite of the lot. If I hadn't told her about my condition she would never have known other than the lack of ability to have a natural erection but there are plenty of guys who can't and need various remedies for it. Shes is intrigued by the ball skin around the testicular implants as it's not a case of it looking real but that it is actually ball skin and she can't understand how they did that. I'm aware that there are surgeons out there that are not very good at recreating a penis so I could just be very lucky and landed with a surgeon with phenomenal skill. I have full erogenous sensation. I never experienced sexual sensation before I met my wife so it was a giant learning curve for my brain to recognize and respond to these. It was like teaching it to reconnect to a lost limb. It's hard to explain. I cannot and have never been able to have kids. My wife and I had discussed the possibility of finding other ways but when we were honest with ourselves, we decided we really didn't want any and are happy as we are.

If you perceive dogma in what I say then please let me know. This is as much a learning exercise for me.

"How your relationship with your wife works? (Emotionally/Sexually)" It works exactly the same way as any husband and wife but that depends on the individuals in any relationship and their level of maturity, respect and self-awareness. Physically it is the same with the exception that erection doesn't occur naturally and there is no possibility of pregnancy for us. ( there are plenty of men who experience the same exceptions and receive similar treatments to try and remedy this). I feel the tingling sensation prior to an erection so I know when it is happening. I have full erogenous sensation in my penis and I orgasm from that stimulation 'I assume' the same way any man would feel it (to be honest, I would not know what that is according to a male or a female specifically, all I can experience is my own sensations. Other than the descriptions we offer one another, there is no way to know you are truly feeling what another man feels in the same way). I have a semi-rigid erectile implant. I used to have an inflatable implant to mimic the process of an erection but the implant was prone to breaking. I did not want to keep having surgeries to replace it each time it broke. It's not perfect and it never will be but there is ongoing development happening with implants and also stem cell tissue/structure growth for men who have had amputation/cancers or underdevelopment ( I doubt this will be perfected in my lifetime ) I don't put so much importance into only one aspect of my life. if I were to focus intently on that as a defining factor of my identity, I would slump into a depression. I am more than just a penis, I am an entire experience of ones self relative to others. My own personal experience goes beyond the concept of a 'man' and can become confusing to the reader owing to my discrepency between the normal cultural concepts and experience of a trans person and pushing beyond that with consciousness work where the idea of a man and the underlying biology collapses altogether. "Do you feel desire for her as a man/woman? " Desire is something that I would have felt in my formative years. Something I would describe as being an inexperienced teenage boy influenced by porn, role models, and cultural expectations of what it means to be a man and I found that in hindsight to be damaging. When I brought those expectations into a relationship, I found myself imposing it on both myself and her and getting angry and hurt when she didn't react the way I expected her to. While desire is necessary for experience in life, it is ultimately unquenchable and selfish. Before that realization, I was trying to manipulate everything to conform to my own 'conditioned' expectations of reality and getting frustrated when that didn't happen. When I started doing my consciousness work, my desire to satisfy myself in a relationship eventually disappeared and was replaced with unconditional love. She does not need to do or be anything for me to love her. I accept her as she is and importantly I also extend the same acceptance to myself. Once I found satisfaction from within my own being, I found that I could extend that outward to anyone and anything giving me a sense of peace and contentment. I do not desire her as a man or a woman. I love her as consciousness. If I were a dimly aware human I would desire her as a man. I could not desire her as a woman as I have never experienced being a woman. As I had never been with anyone before my wife, I have no comparison to offer. However, my wife was with others before me and she says that when she met me, there was no difference between me and any sexually frustrated, immature teenage boy. She said the way that I thought and behaved was indistinguishable from any typical expectation of a man. When she slept with me she said there was no difference. But she said there was a distinct change when I started doing consciousness work. As I became more aware of my own damaging behaviors and the thought processes, I began to tear myself apart and rebuild myself. essentially having a complete personality change which upset her at first but realized I had become more respectful, compassionate, and understanding... but above all the biggest change was my own personal confidence, honesty and integrity. This was very attractive for her. She now says I'm more of a man than anyone she's ever been with and its not because of my penis. it's because of my behavior. Sex is not the foundation of our relationship nor does it determine a fault in me if she doesn't desire me rather it is something that naturally occurs out of our mutual love for one another( not human love/desire but unconditional love). When that love reaches a stage where we bond and both our 'selfs' melt away, we become one being experiencing itself in ecstatic bliss. She says she has never experienced this before now (of course she's biased but this is significant as she has had difficult sexual experiences in the past and a problem with intimacy as a result of her upbringing. She was not abused in any way rather it was a lack of physical embrace and support from her parents that left her with a long-lasting claustrophobia in intimate circumstances. This is now gone owing to the work I put into myself and has allowed her the space to open up and grow into her own sexuality). you cannot force someone to carry out your expectations. you have to accept them as they are and allow them to be. That is actual love. That space made her feel safe and unpressured and allowed her to heal herself. our relationship has grown stronger 10 fold. she did not marry me because I was a man or a woman but because I was now living as 'genuinely' me. "Sorry if I’m being extremely naive, but I really don’t know how your direct experience works." Don't apologize. There is nothing wrong with questions to gain knowledge and understanding. A person who takes offense to a question still has work to do on themselves.