Sincerity

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I read all this and I still have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s no reason why you’d be banned from the forum. Relax my dude, you’re good

I am not crazy! I know I am Infinity. I knew I was God. One who cannot be spoken. As if I could ever make such a mistake. Never. Never! I just – I just couldn't keep it. I covered my tracks, I got these thoughts and the ego state to lie to me. You think this is something? You think this is bad? This? This chicanery? I've done worse. That LSD trip! Are you telling me that a man just happens to forget like that? No! I orchestrated it! God! He's dreaming the Universe! And I saw Him! And I couldn't not have. I took the blotter into my own mouth! What was I thinking? I’ll never change. I’ll never change! Ever since uhh, forever, always the same! Couldn’t keep my state from going lower! But not Dreamy! Couldn’t be precious Dreamy! Shutting my eyes blind! And I don't get to be Awake? What a sick joke! I should’ve focused on that state more when I had the chance! …And you, you have to realize this! You

Yesterday at night I went on a suicide walk. There's a particular bridge out of multiple that I'd jump from. I walked to it for about an hour. Along the way I tried to wake up that bastard piece of shit that would break me out of that trance. But I was too weak. 🤣 I had a lot of visions along the way - I dispelled them and tried not to care. I was imagining what it'd be like to die. I was imagining what would happen. When I got to the bridge I tried to run and jump. I was imagining it vividly in my head trying to force it. I started having visions of drowning in the water, and then... I started choking. Still on the bridge, as if I was drowning. I couldn't help but vomit. The vision was so strong I was choking on land. No one was looking. I spit into the river. I left the bridge and sat for a while on the stairs leading to it. There's some people passing but they don't look. Later I call myself a taxi for a ride home. I'm so numb. I just want to laugh. I am so retarded it's comical! 🤣 How am I going to tell anyone? There's problems with me all the time. How am I going to tell her? To be a failure and disappointment in her eyes even more! 😂 Only I could do that. That's me folks! Only I could ruin my life so hard 😁

If I intentionally throw my phone out of a 4-floor balcony does that make me sort of crazy no matter what my reasoning is? You could do it due to being completely delusional, a mental breakdown or something like that. That’s obviously crazy behaviour. Though also you could do it entirely consciously for some kind of spiritual reason or whatnot. But isn’t that „crazy behaviour” too though? (Almost) no one is going to understand you. What’s the connection between „crazy behaviour” and awareness of it/intentionality? Also „crazy” is entirely social. I’m not sure if this is comprehensible. Yes I sometimes get the urge to do it lol.

My heart is constantly being overrun by pain, hatred and numbness. I’m acting out at times. It’s unnerving. I’m blocked. I can’t see a way out. It’s the same things again and again. I no longer really have suicidal thoughts. I’m feeling like shit but not enough for motivation to arise to make some meaningful change, which is even worse? And I’m tired of expressing the difficult feelings. Like there’s not much point in expressing them, writing them out or whatever. Fuck. In this journal I was once expressing the immense hatred coming out of me. Now it feels bland and stupid. The fucking drama man. And how can I lie to myself - I’m the only one to blame. Who else would I be angry towards? I’m just tired of myself. I hate myself. I can’t make things right because I don’t have it in me. I’m a slave of my own making. A failure. There’s many good things in my life which I appreciate. There’s just one rotten thing at the center of it all. I hate it. I run my nails into my chest. I fantasize about stabbing myself. And I can’t be a man for my partner in this state. I’m pitiful. There’s constantly something wrong. I’m constantly tired. I don’t want to make excuses. Why can’t I just be alright? Why can’t I change? I’m so full of shit. If I really wanted to change I would. I fantasize about it but deep down I like the misery. I like fighting all the time. I like the thrill. I’m a child doing anything to distract themselves from reality. A fuck-up. This is all so stupid. I love my partner and I’m mostly able to change for her with focus. But I can’t do that for myself. There’s no love for this filthy piece of trash here. I don’t care. I want to suffer. Fuck everything! If I could be something else, I would.

Haha Yeah. (Genuine) hatred is love in a shadow form. The energy can be reverted back to love if wanted. Disgust is probably a better word than hate here. I'm disgusted by these idiotic discussions. Regarding genuine hate though it does come to surface for me a lot lately. And I do indeed revert it to love with focus. It's not towards other people though, it's mostly towards myself or sometimes my romantic partner. My current theory is that new "waves" of love first appear in the mind as hate which is can be processed. It's a process of growth in love.

That Artem guy? Lol. I also had the (dis)pleasure of communicating with him after he started self-promoting (sharing his links to literally everything) the first day he became active on the forum. He was so egoic and unpleasant it was laughable. "Spiritual" fucking people man.

Reminds me of this video I watched months ago:

Baby, it's YOU! You're the one I love You're the one I need You're the only one I see Come on, baby, it's YOU You're the one that gives your all You're the one I can always call When I need to make everything STOP Finally, you put my LOVE on top Ooh, come on, baby You put my LOVE on top, top, top, top, top...

I’m so sorry dude. I tried to imagine what’s it like to be in your situation. I would really not want that… Stay strong. But also let yourself be weak. If that matters to you I sent you a loving intention.

Here’s a simple overview of the EU parties for those interested. The channel is great overall I think. I voted for Renew Europe because I aligned with their programme the most. It’s a shame they didn’t do well in the election.

At least Poland is going strong. 🇵🇱 So glad our society got too sick of these nutcase rightoids for the moment. A slight breath of fresh air. Not saying it’ll stay like this forever but still. Though a polish far-right party (Confederacy) also made big advances which is really concerning. They’re even dumber than the buffoons from Law and Justice. We will go through what we gotta go through to learn.

Other stuff ~ You might wonder why I’m not very active on the forum. That’s because I fucking hate it. No, seriously. I do. I hate these fucking pointless discussions about spirituality. You all should trip and fall on your faces. I hate spiritual teachers (with exceptions). Currently I am in a place where I don’t give a fuck about listening to theory and debating things with others. I’m focused on being immersed in growing experience. I still do contemplate by myself but that’s different. I voted in the EU elections on Sunday. This matters to me. I dream of a federalist Europe. I experience a lot of new feelings and energies. My life is changing. I want to meet new people. Last week I met up with an interesting guy (a fellow IT guy) and we had cool intellectual conversations, mostly about relationships. I appreciated his more masculine perspective. We will meet again, probably this weekend. And today I’m meeting my friends from work for beer. I like to drink beer sometimes. Wine as well. Also I love sex. Dominating a woman is so hot. My partner and I have a great sexual relation. I love to see her satisfied. To all of you endlessly debating spirituality: Go fuck yourselves. 🖕 You should go ride a bike and feel the wind in your hair. Or choke on a hair in your soup.

Hey! I’m good. I’m processing a LOT of stuff and growing a lot, mainly thanks to my romantic relationship. Love really is the prime motivator for growth. The rate of change is so high I can’t keep track at times and I’m in a sort of confused state where I don’t know who I am anymore. We’re talking a lot and being very honest with ourselves. We’re going through a lot of conflicts but we’re resolving them fast with conscious communication. My aim is to love this woman so intensely that she dies. And to open myself up to so much love that I die as well. She really is something. I’m so grateful. Half a year ago I wouldn’t imagine I would have a partner so pretty - I really love her body. But what’s even better is her character. She is unusually conscious and eager to grow together as individuals and as a couple. She is feminine. She is very ambitious. She can be so soft and yet also sometimes so passionate. She will cuddle with me like a teddy bear and other times she will flush the water from her mug on my face. I deserve it though because I love to piss her off sometimes hahaha. For fun of course. She is my current path and I couldn’t be more happy with that. Together we’re learning what love is. Sometimes when she spoke to me (especially something very understand and loving) I felt like God was talking to me through her. In these moments I really saw it and tears just spilled from my eyes. How can I be so loved? Is this really You? This was my first time making a post from my phone lol.

Where's Scandinavia though

Wait until you hear about Europe

Cool! For you forum members - breaks are good For you Leo - sorry you had to go through this bullshit.

Moving this to off-topic I guess.

Sometimes I randomly think about this Tucker Carlson clip and laugh to myself. This is comedy gold.

Whoop whoop let's do this again I've been doing fine. Main development is that I have a gf now. We've been together for 3 months now and it's going really great. We love each other:) and I'm melting in that love. I've changed in these 3 months. I had to. Love pushed me to it. Besides that I also now have a more stable job position with a full time contract. I like my job. I feel it's good for me for the time being. I'll be moving out of my parents' home in 3 months. Either with my gf or alone, we'll see how it goes. Utterly avoiding writing my thesis to finish my studies. That's the main thing I don't like right now. Haven't taken psychedelics for 7 months now & not planning in the foreseeable future. I will not take psychedelics while in the relationship with my girl. Frankly psychedelics feel like a different woman to me. Psychedelics and her just don't go together. She's into spirituality but not into substances, and that's okay. I love it that she's different. In terms of mental state in the last months - I've been experiencing a lot of backlash. Lowkey reaching new lows. But that's fineeeee. I'll pull through. It's a beautiful day today. I love it.

LOL @TheGod Breaks are good. I'm taking one myself for 7 months now and not planning to come back anytime soon. But 10 years? Dude, I don't know how fast you are changing but I don't recognize myself from 3 months ago as me. Your motivations, understanding might morph three dozen times in that time. Just wanna suggest that you don't artificially limit yourself with past promises to yourself which no longer resonate. If you don't wanna take psychedelics now, fine. But who knows who you will be in a year? 3 years? 5 years? Since you're so young (and so am I) your rate of change is especially high. I'm not implying you should be taking psychedelics, but just be open to options huh? Follow your heart wherever it leads you.

Oh, I forgot to mention it in my response. The girlfriend "God gave me" is a hot witch. Yes, she literally considers herself a witch lol, being into spirituality and all. I made it boys. A dream come true, it's the best shit ever.

Can confirm, happened to me No, that's not how it works. IF you really want a girlfriend, You will simply meet a woman someday and your heart will be "whispering" to you: go for it, do that, say this, say that, further... You might feel like a magical flow has overtaken you which is making it so that you're pursuing her the right way. It will be hard to resist. (and pointless to do so) You will still have to ask her out. It will not happen without your contribution. You're the character and your story must make sense. But it will be easy. You must understand, you always get what you REALLY want. When you start truly wanting something, the universe is working in the background to get it for you. And, it must be noted, it is working mostly through YOU. So don't get this wrong - you are always working with the story. Things mostly don't happen by themselves. Although sometimes they do. At least that's my experience/understanding.

Sorry you're dealing with this. I know something about ghosting. Maybe you just gotta live through the specific pain which will come out of avoiding things. The numbness, the silent desperation, powerlessness, etc.. Suffering teaches you. When you're in enough pain and can't handle it anymore, it motivates you to change - for good. There might be a better way though. I don't know what it is. You should probably cut yourself off from your family. It's not your burden. It's just not yours.