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I have decided to write whatever is about to come out via pen and paper as my perfectionism has less of a grasp around my throat as in comparison to writing in a doc. There is a million places I could start. Perhaps first I should address you, the reader. I don’t know at the moment where this will end up but it is my desire to talk with you. I desire it deeply. Being able to reflect with another human is a great gift. Therefore, I genuinely invite you to respond and speak your mind to the content herein. I would like to hear what you have to say. I'm at such a point in life where that reflection is needed. - - - So, all of that precursory information for what? Well, I need to shine a light on myself and my current condition. I am 21 years old. The next thing that came up in my head was “I am sexually frustrated.” That is true. I am. I place a lot of value into the thought of an intimate partner, yet lack so much genuine experience. I’ve had a handful of various relationships with women, and have had far less sexual experience, something I both crave more and feel starved of the older I have gotten. I don’t even know what to say about it. I’m experiencing the intuitive feeling that I have got this all wrong and mixed up. - - - I feel like I’m going crazy in so many ways. As I write this, I attempt to remain grounded in some form of calm sanity, yet it is tough. The more I dig, the closer I feel to breaking open a raging demon’s cage. Intense and overwhelming blank-mindedness floods my head, and I feel how I imagine a hollow from Dark Souls feels. It all feels rather fucky. From this point I don’t know where to go. On my chest is the weight of a million things that want to be said, but I can’t make out what any of them are. It is frustrating. I need to talk this out.

@samijiben Knowing what I really want? This is perhaps the most infuriating and crumbling question ever for me, right alongside "What is my absolute purpose?" and other such questions. Their presence and appearance has caused years of suffering and confusion in my still young life. With the combination of a very shaky ego and a bunch of unfinished spiritual work, asking such a question leaves me blank. When I ask it, all that is left is just awareness observing itself. Of course, that is great. But my ego is still strong in certain ways and is not satisfied. And as for its satisfaction? Well, there are simply certain things I feel I NEED to do and will do even if it just because I need the experience to be entirely content. It is a contradictory mix of dissatisfaction and contentment. Putting it into words really sucks and I will not do so further. But my point in this response? Perhaps I just want to inform you of how problematic such a question is to me currently. Instead of asking that and getting stuck in those god-awful mental ruts, surrendering my control and direction to that of the intuitive compass within my chest is what I have begun to do and what I will continue to do. It is the most true and raw thing I have come to know.

@Lyubov Thank you for this response. It goes deep and there is a lot to unpack here. To still respond and answer your questions without getting overwhelmed, I'm going to go through and discuss the points most powerful to me. Now that you mention it, this is indeed tied to an internal belief system I have. Whatever this belief system is or how it came to have structure, I cannot say exactly. However, it is present and does bring pain and suffering into my life, something I struggle with. Why do I believe this whole thing is a problem and what do I believe about myself? Well, right off the bat, I have such a raw and blunt desire for intimacy and sex. Technically, these desires shouldn't be hard to satiate, but for me, they are. Why? My values. I have had a handful of opportunities within the past year where I could have gotten sexual experience or have had developed an intimate and romantic situation with someone. Yet... when things were just about to come to fruition, it's like my inner intuitive gates, guided by my core morals and values, shut the whole thing down. Point in case, I can't cross myself for something I know is foolish and / or low value. It really tests my patience. - - - Perhaps that didn't address your question on belief and the problem. Let me say this. You're right, I do not currently feel good enough. The women who I am ACTUALLY attracted to, I always feel lesser. I never initiate conversation. I feel defeated the second I look at them. This mindset destroys me, but it feels so ingrained. A certain pie section of my value DOES feel affected by my sexual and intimate experience. Since I have been lacking for a while, it makes me feel less. My chest and shoulders feel hollow, my gaze is shy, and I feel both weak and brittle in body and spirit. It is not all the time that this is the case, but when it is, I feel as though a small breeze could blow me away. I don't know why this pattern remains in my life. Perhaps for egoic protection. - - - For your final questions? Well, I am familiar with all the answers. Inside, I know exactly what I need to do to actualize, even if it is foggy. In my life now, I am in the midst of this battle. The sword is in hand, but still... Why should I be coming here and speaking like this?

@samijiben Out of what you said, this point catches me most. I fluctuate between very deeply wanting things and then almost borderline not caring about them. I find this a consistent occurrence in my experience. I wish I could say I REALLY wanted _, but even with the answers that pop up, nothing ever stays in that position for me. It kinda pisses me off because I do wish that I just had one permanent pulling force in my life, something I REALLY wanted. Therefore, well... I don't think I can use such an inconsistent passion as a flame for pursuit. Better yet, I cannot rely on it. - - - @MarkKol Thank you for the thoughtful comment. However, there are two points where I have trouble relating. Firstly, acting like someone I'm not or putting on a facade doesn't sit well for me. I suck at lying and I suck at making things up. I'm kissed up against honesty all the time and that is also how I prefer to act in social settings. It allows me to be present in a state of authenticity which sells itself. If we're relating it to women, this attracts them more (the right ones) than me putting on a sneaky mask. Secondly, my environmental awareness. I've always been extremely aware of my surroundings. Like genuinely. This has manifested in good and bad ways, but it isn't something I can just turn off or redirect completely to one person unless I have been enamored and captured by the gaze of a goddess lol. My life experiences have taught me otherwise about embracing such an ignorance of what is happening around me. However, I do understand what you're saying, and, with the proper set and setting, I can very easily let my guard down and open up to the right people. It's a tricky thing for me is all.

@Raze Thank you for sharing those resources. I'll look into them and see what happens.

@RendHeaven Lol well I don't find this to be too big of a problem myself. I'm afraid to admit my own attractiveness despite what others say, so I won't admit to being ugly or attractive. It appears to be a relative thing from my experience. But what is stopping me? I mean, I'm moving, but it's just slow and I'm still working heavily on developing the proper self-discipline. It's just been a long process so far. I'm not stopped though.

@samijiben I'm actively working on it, but it is bleak and unforgiving, especially so as I work on breaking out of this scaredy-cat nature I developed growing up. My main focus is working on building myself into the being I want to be. I am ambitious and faulter a lot, but there is direction within my chest. My intuition is strong, I am listening to it and trying to act on it despite failure. I am showing up still.

@samijiben I understand the giving aspect. I have done it before, and it is a wonderful thing. However, if I approach it with the mindset of getting something out of it, I will fumble, and fumble hard. I'll want to avoid that to the best of my abilities as such a way of existence sucks. However, there are forms I want to give in and have simply been slacking on as of late. If I invest into these, things will naturally start to click as long as I'm consistent and stay tuned in. As for nothingness and your more advanced points, I'm aware and familiar of them, however, I'm at a stage where I don't feel like embracing them. Not yet. I was more spiritual when I was younger but neglected more egoic and human parts of myself that have needed to live. I face the consequences of that now, and seek to live, even in the face of my own ignorance so that I may be free of regret later.

@Leo Gura What exactly do you mean when you say I alone should be enough to sexually satisfy myself? I feel like in bodily pleasure, a genuine female partner is hard to beat. So, what exactly are you getting at there? And in what form? I know and am familiar with masturbation, but I also know of the existence of breathwork amongst other things which might be worth exploring. Besides that, I understand what you are saying about the work. A good journaling session or several with a focus on what work would be needed for my desires would likely yield a solid direction to begin walking in.

Hey everyone, I’ve reached a point in my life where the essence of my being, which has felt like a black hole for several years, has finally pulled me in close enough that I can no longer run or hide from it as an ego. I’m 21 now. For years, I’ve gone through eras of small, specific focuses or have just drifted along to whatever seemed like the best option. I have an associate's degree, a 200-hour yoga therapy certification, and have poured countless hours into researching so many different things. Yet, I feel like I’ve done nothing with any of it. It feels like I've dug a million random holes, and when I look at them, they feel hollow at their core. My first shift in consciousness happened in my sophomore year of high school while reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth.” I don’t remember the exact line, but I vividly remember the observer becoming present for the first time, an awareness witnessing it all. In that moment, the ego dissolved. My life changed completely. I was no longer "me." My ego became a shell, losing all its weight and substance. All that was left was selfless observation and the raw feeling of my Being. But that first awakening shot me into a spiritual arc that I would fall in and out of for years. The ego grew back quietly until it had taken over again. For a long time, there was no pure awareness, except for random split-second moments where that dissolution would overwhelm me and upset my egoic state. Just recently, the clouds parted again and the sun of awareness was exposed. This time, it feels different. It feels like a final reminder that my living has not been truthful, that I have been faithful only to the agenda of the ego and have suffered deeply because of it. This leads me to the real problem I'm facing now with my direction in life. I can’t put a nail on what it is I want to do because I don’t know which part of myself to listen to. I want to say my gut, my Being, because it emanates a direction like a compass. But the signal is so vague that trying to map it out practically just fries my mental state. I feel very unsure how to navigate this. So, I have a couple of core questions for anyone who has walked this path: 1. How do you practically learn to live from this deeper place? My Being feels like a compass, but I don't know how to read it. How do you learn to interpret this guidance for real-world decisions (like career) without the mind getting fried? 2. How do you distinguish a genuine impulse from your core/gut from a sneaky, rationalized desire of the ego? 3. Once this door to awareness opens, it feels like it can’t be closed. How do you pursue this deeper truth while still living a practical, functional human life? Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you have gone through a similar experience, I’d be very grateful if you shared your wisdom.

I've committed to a specific program that's hosted by a handful of colleges throughout the United States. I've narrowed it down to three schools of interest. One of them feels intuitively right to me, more so than the other two. However, the logical part of me urges caution, reminding me to consider all the other factors like quality of education, environment, experience, opportunities, and essentially, my future as a whole. I'm looking for some external wisdom to help me approach this decision with clarity. For those of you who have had to choose between multiple schools, or made any big, committed decision where you had to weigh intuition against logic, how did you go about it? What helped you make your choice? What worked, and what did not? Any perspectives are appreciated.

Though I haven't been able to successfully lucid dream yet, I have come back to it again and again due to this idea. On one hand, it appears to offer the ability to experience any sexual occasion in any way you'd like, or something along those lines. On the other hand, it seems to be an escape from genuine sexual experience and growth. There are sexual experiences I can't fulfill in waking life, but at the same time, one of the things I really want at my younger age is to explore sexuality and learn through direct sexual experience. In other words, I want to learn about and have great sex through actually doing it. I cannot tell if taking on these desires through lucid dreams, which I have still yet to have success with, is a desire spawned out of ignorance and fear, or a genuine medium to explore all the sexual fantasies I have. I'd appreciate any feedback or thoughts.

Lol yes I am a male. My mind tends to have more flamboyant fantasies in comparison with most people I know. Not sure why, but I am highly creative in various areas.

Those are valid points. But yes, I agree to what you said. That mindset is heavily dependent on fate and relying on fate alone seems rather dangerous and ignorant, at least for me. Instead, meeting someone through fate seems more fitting to be a cherry on top of actively living life and putting in the work towards whatever it is your want to do. For example, the self development. Whatever you work on has tangible results naturally. Depending on what you do, this can increase or decrease your chances towards something, in this case, a sexual partner, girlfriend, etc... So, I guess I'm kinda rambling there. But, main point I'm clarifying on is that by taking the actions things tend to fall in place in a weird but natural way. A lack of action, which I have especially experienced here, leads to self induced suffering amongst other things.

Yes, a little work. That what is seems like when I reflect on it. Even still, I haven't really gotten far in successfully meeting someone in this regard. I met a few people, but there usually ends up being some crux which breaks it before anything actually goes down. I understand this is healthy in it's own way, but it kinda sucks being impatient or lustful, even when I have had to cut it. Each comes with valuable lessons though. Seeing that I'm not actually hopeless kinda scares me. The self-development I have to undertake to be with the women I really want shakes me up pretty good and brings up defensive patterns. But I don't think I can die free of that growing regret and fear if I don't go for it.

That is a perfectly valid way, and yes masturbation can and does help, no doubt. Even so, I don't want to masturbate forever, and honestly I'd rather just let it go. But in it's place, albeit selfish, I would much rather prefer to have a sexual partner. Lucid dreaming appeared at such time and in such a way where it just feels like more attractive and advanced masturbation lol. It's attractive because there's not really any commitments to a real person, it can be with whomever, wherever, etc... But again, I'd prefer a consistent and genuine sexual partner/s in waking life. I'm just semi-confused on if I'm successfully walking towards that goal or not, hence I've been trying to lucid dream to fit this desire.

No, I would say I'm generally pretty open. Though, I do find my moral values are pretty high and have limited me in the past. It's a good thing for keeping me out of trouble but it's annoying when I'm in a more lusty state. However, I haven't had a ton of experience, so I can't be super sure about what I'm saying in this regard.

Lol you guys are funny. I say that because of a few reasons. Firstly is sexual fantasies with fictional characters. That is something which is simply not actionable in waking life. Or so it appears. Secondly is with people who'd likely be very hard or impossible to sexually engage with, like celebrities, people of history, etc... Honestly, just having sex with anyone of desire. That doesn't even seem like a wise or possible decision to go after in waking life.

Just last night I broke off a friendship which I deemed was no longer healthy for me anymore. However, I was a light to my friend in question and she is having a really hard time accepting my decision. I explained my reasons why I felt it needed to end it before ending it but she cannot seem to accept my POV. If anything, my POV is the worst case scenario for her, even though I feel it is the best. I just feel terrible about the pain I'm causing for her and for myself, having to cut this off and all. I want to respond to what she'd said and try to offer her clarity and understanding, but I already said I was ceasing contact with her and I don't want to go against my word. It is simply the pain I feel for causing her pain that makes me want to do something to ease the burden I have left on her life. I could not be the friend she needed nor did I want to. I made sure of this and spoke clearly about it. I could not continue dragging the relationship on in hopes for one day that I wouldn't feel burdened. I could not do that to her any longer so I had to break it off. This is my first time doing this to anyone and it's terribly hard and scary and I do not know what I should do now. I feel this situation is likely quite relative to both of our positions and is bound with misunderstanding. What should I do? Can I do? If anything... - TLDR: I ended a friendship I felt was unhealthy for me. My friend is struggling to accept this decision. I've explained my reasons and said I'm ceasing contact, but I feel guilty about the pain I've caused. I want to offer more clarity but don't want to go back on my word. This is my first time ending a friendship so abruptly like this, and I'm unsure how to handle the aftermath. Should I do anything more or maintain the no-contact decision?

@Basman How do I avoid getting bogged down with a particular choice? That is a trap I would like to be conscious enough ahead of time. Maybe just some foresight so I don't get comfortable and ignorant. For the most part, I'm only making commitments in my life that are related to whatever my future career might be. Until then, I feel I can't really commit to anything crazy like a serious relationship, a big financial burden, etc... Okay on the course. I'll be re-watching and reworking the values section soon alongside anything else that should strike some interest or importance.

I've just finished my second year of general community college, turned 20 last week, and don't know what I want to do with my career path next. I'm finding great trouble committing to anything unless someone else directs me towards it or forces me into it. The options I see are college, a trade, or a full time job. These are also being enforced upon me lest I wish to have my transportation, housing, and food taken away at some degree from my parents. I need to choose something but it feels like a brain fuck every time I try and think about what to choose. I don't have any polished skills yet but I enjoy and am decent at producing music, researching and analyzing, listening, working out and training, and some other small things. All of these things feel lukewarm for me with music production being the most viable option, speaking on behalf of passion. Though I still feel left in the dust with all of these and that going into a university dedicated down one of the paths is just a means for me to end up with a shitty or no degree and debt. I can't do that but I need to decide on something within the next month or so. I just don't how to choose with such a neutral passion and no crazy drive in one specific thing. Any help?

@Phil King I understand where Cal is coming from wherein one gets masterful at their work and contentment follows, though, it is that same problem again of what work? I don't want to be a master in just anything. I want to be a master in something in value and in which I can give with. In that regard to Cal, I agree, it's just I feel I must do it in a specific line of work which I have been greatly struggling to find. Once again, I shall review the course just as @Tboy recommended. Beyond this, I have done the blank wall exercise once and managed to get through a few hours of it. Though, not to much avail as I wasn't really picking apart what I wanted at the deepest level. I was more so thinking about career and money so more shallow. I might consider doing it again.

@Tboy So you're encouraging me to just do the value assessments from the course? I've done them twice or so before some year ago, and never was able to get super clear. I definitely found that which I valued, but in regards to having direction and purpose, they were only helpers and not the purpose itself, at least related to career. I understand now that no-one is going to do it for me, and it makes me scared. Though, I always cycle back to this same feeling where "If I just had a drive to do one thing, it wouldn't be so hard." and I don't know how that makes me feel anymore.

So I caved and subscribed to a chick on OnlyFans for a month. My desire was to be able to talk with her, and though that desire has been filled, she mainly speaks on business terms. What is stopping me from going beyond this mode of communication? Perhaps into the territory of a genuine relationship? Doesn't have to be intimate. Q: How might I go about breaking her out of the professional relationship mode? To have her show interest in something outside of getting money? I'm open to any honest response if you have one, rude or not, I simply wish to be humbled on the matter.

What would you recommend instead?