Judy2

in the past few weeks i have been feeling lost, unstable, unsteady. i don't know what to do. how am i supposed to know what to do, or what's right, or what's good for me. "GOD HELP ME!," i pray. i'm here. this is real. and i don't understand any of it, no one understands me, i don't know how to help myself.

~

Truth doesn't even depend on a you that knows it or that could be sure about it:) That's how free it is

"I can't be sure about [the Truth]" > the "i", i.e. the finite self that "knows" or "doubts", that can't be sure about the Truth, is Truth. (not in the sense that its existence as a separate entity is true in the ultimate sense, but it is what appears) That's what Leo means when he says you can't know the Truth, but you can understand = be = become it. There's no need to get hung up on the presence or absence of words. You can wake up to Absolute Infinity and then write about that realisation like crazy, and have the literal word "Infinity." written out on paper....but what's so crazy is when you see that you are literally inside it (so to speak) and actual infinity is sitting right underneath that label, stretching out underneath it on the very piece of paper you wrote it on, and including the letters and the ink that hold the symbol, everything... What's frustrating and absolutely beautiful about Awakening is that when you try to talk about it, you suddenly find yourself using all the same words that you heard other people use...but they suddenly mean something completely new to You, and are simultaneously frustratingly insufficient at getting at the essence you want to point to, because again, the pointer is, and will forever struggle in the attempt to point to itself. The pointer (word, symbol) itself consists of "Isness" (= Truth) ...so anything you say about God literally is just more God (Truth, Being). Anything you say about Truth (whether true or false at reflecting what Truth is) is "Truth", by definition:) Awakening does not require you to formalise or symbolise the realisation, which is the intuitive grasping of the Whole, transcending all dualism, symbolism, and linguistic pointers. The "you" or "i" that could "have" the Truth or fail to have (know) it, is the obstacle here. It's literally too finite to be in possession of "the Truth" as a whole. Because Truth is too infinite, too whole and too complete (singular, one, already itself) to be pinned down by the finite mind. That is the Realisation of Truth.

should i feel guilty because i'm so rude? i haven't visited their house in almost five years, we only meet for a maximum of ten days at a time either at my grandma's or on holiday, and by the end of this time i always feel super drained, glad to get away soon, and like i couldn't stand it much longer. it's almost common knowledge when we meet that i need a lot of "me-time". yesterday we were at the movie theater and halfway through the movie, i decided to get up and sit a few rows further at the back to be on my own and able to breathe. when i get up in the mornings and my parents say good morning to me, sometimes i can't respond, on principle. ... not because i am lazy but because of some emotional tension i feel, because i need my own "bubble" and don't want them to get too close to me. i prefer to eat on my own most of the time. due to my ed history i always think it's a good idea to go on a diet or fast when around family.... which only makes me more susceptible to emotional tension (?), so it's weird that i would do that....but again, in my head that's my "protective bubble", even though it doesn't actually work in keeping bad emotions at bay. why am i so weird??? they usually accept this type of behaviour behaviour but i know they're not happy about it. i'm not nearly as weird around friends. should i feel guilty, am i just rude? i'm not even trying to be nicer because i feel so vulnerable. sometimes a bit of guilt kicks in and i try to talk cheerfully about random stuff (after my being annoyed has visibly annoyed them and i feel guilty), but most of the time when i'm around my parents, i feel so tense and like i need to get away because they could do stuff to annoy me or cause me emotional distress. i'm wondering who's in the right here....if i am just awfully rude and not even trying to be nicer, or if it is justified that i am acting this way. i think i'm a very ungrateful daughter, yet at the same time, i almost can't help myself and can't act nicer, as that would almost compromise my own emotional safety....which is somehow more important than being nice to my parents.

@Salvijusthanks for sharing:)

happy birthday:)

@shree Hey, thanks for your reply. I don't think my family is particularly narcissistic or that cutting out my family should be the goal. I love my family, and they're generally trying to be supportive. They aren't any more toxic than the average family. I have a brother who is getting on well with my parents and who has never developed any major psychological issues. This is a "me-problem" (not just saying that but based on the fact that I am generally weird and complicated when it comes to relationships), which means that I am the one who should develop healthier strategies to let them do their thing while being able to interact with them to a degree that is right for me. So that's something I have got to figure out somehow. The general parameters of our relationship (me living on my own, but talking on the phone and meeting with them occasionally) don't have to change. It's just a matter of figuring out how I can feel more grounded when we do interact. The book recommendations seem promising - thank you:) I'll look into those!

i've recently revised some of Leo's older videos and this has sparked my interest in giving meditation another try. what meditation technique would you guys recommend to someone with virtually zero experience in that area? so far i've experimented with a little bit of strong determination sitting and some guided meditations. sometimes these methods are effective in calming my mind, other times not so much because my focus is still centred on totally unrelated, random thoughts. i would love to hear what has given you the best results. if you have general insights and tips as to what my expectations/goals during meditation should be, please let me know:)

@Yimpa :)

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also feeling lonely....being alone is no good for me, but whenever i'm around other people it gets too much and i feel like i can't breathe. i feel like i'm pretty messed up and stupid and lost.

everything is so "unsteady"....and no one understands

had too much caffeine again, which resulted in another panic attack. the first half of the day was almost good, but i'm feeling a bit lost now.

:).

i find it difficult to articulate this, but something along the lines of consciousness grasping itself, or grounding myself in what's real. my default mode is a kind of dissociation where i pretend like "this is not it" or "i''m not actually here", but i guess i actually am here...so maybe it would be beneficial to ground myself more in that recognition....otherwise i'm grounded in falsehood and keep running into problems. of course psychedelics would be a more potent tool to achieve that and i might get back to that in the future, but right now i don't have access to them and it's okay for me to meditate even if that grounds me only moderately. it's better than nothing.

@Salvijus yes, conflict is definitely an issue. it's something i already expect to happen every time i visit.

@Jordan Wow, that's a lot! What I like about the video above is the sound. Its rhythm is very gentle, and it helps to draw my attention to the "emptiness" of (my) consciousness in which it appears. But it sounds like you know just what to do even without that:)

@Schizophonia I'm not very familiar with the Freudian framework you are applying here, so the allusion to incest does sound strange to me. Why would that even be a concern?

Have any of you tried this, and if so, what was it like for you? i don't do a full hour, only about 20-30 minutes. it feels like my body is falling asleep while my mind is still awake... is that what a meditative state should be like? my thoughts are still wandering and random images appear, but it's nothing profound in content, only in terms of the unfamiliar structure of this state. sometimes i forget where i am. it's a bit like lucid dreaming or astral projection. there's some fearful energy and whenever i remember that i temporarily forgot where i am or travelled too far away in my mind, i am scared someone might appear in this weirdly non-localised, undefined space and startle me....even though i'm sat alone in my room. so i usuallly open my eyes every five minutes or so, until i close them again.

yeah it's a helpful perspective for sure:) thank you!

@Cireeric hm....i'm not entirely sure if that's what it all boils down to, or if it's something else. guess i'll have to keep observing.

yes, feeling misunderstood is a theme, and sometimes i wonder why being misunderstood feels so bad and threatening. it shouldn't be a problem, but it feels like it is.

@Schizophonia i sometimes feel hatred for my parents because i am scared i might be like them, or i might be the things i dislike about them. for example my mother's external appearance or the way she talks about certain things. i see their flaws and feel oppressed by the obligation to associate myself with them "because they're family". does that tie in with what you are trying to say? curiously, the relationship with my brother is the complete inverse: he's the more distanced one and i'm the one reaching out and wanting to get close more often. it's also much easier to idealise my brother than to idealise my "ugly" parents.

well that sounds pretty bad i'll google the rest because i don't quite understand it:)