Judy2

[i am anxious, i am not sure how, but] i am hoping that food struggles will subside in this environment. please. i'll try my very best to stabilise.

i like it here i like my hometown♡ i like that i finally managed to allow myself to come back this year. that i allowed myself to be the woman capable of coming back here. (although it's not easy...) love my room♡ it's very tidy and girly and beautiful.

>>> i am very much capable of feeling joyful, happy, relaxed, at ease! i keep forgetting, but it is possible for me to feel good in life, and to be alive, and to simply live and be content in the present moment.

made it back to my lovely hometown and now i'm suddenly feeling really good. i don't understand my mood swings - when i was switching trains i was about to have a major meltdown and now i'm almost happy and joyful.

@meta_male thank you:) also, i get way too overexcited when people say i'm cute. stop it:)

[emotion: some fear, worry. some hopefulness] i slept well (because of my sleep meds) i dreamed of a small dog that was extremely cute. every time i need to be comforted, i dream of miniature pets, and it totally works. i have been pushing through and working on my thesis this morning. feeling a bit calmer and more confident that this can work out, after all. people on the forum are there to support me last night i spoke with a friend who supported me and discussed with me how to best progress with my thesis dad is trying to be supportive, and i appreciate that maybe dad can help a little bit with my thesis, too i am doing something new by acknowledging my emotions and taking them seriously i am going home again and look forward to it i like my earrings i am hoping to feel more relaxed in the days to come

it's so weird, being me, with all these different impulses that are constantly permeating my body. what a mess.

Coping with the Worries I Have about My Thesis Evidence I have that I will manage just fine: I have always received positive feedback for my term papers, even though I was always extremely stressed in the weeks leading up to the deadlines. My professor said that I seem to have thought deeply about my topic. My mum said that I seem to have thought deeply about my topic. I have all the skills I need to manage this. I have managed to write papers in the past, even though the process felt extremely messy at times. I have already written so much - it could be super chill and I could easily write those 5-7 pages per week without any pressure whatsoever. I know that I have it in me to do this. I am smart. Why I DON'T have to worry about the outcome: Regardless of the mark i will get, i will love me anyway. I promise. How will I show that to myself? I'll still go on to look for a nice apartment after I'm done here. I'll still be kind to myself, go to the gym, move my body, feed my body, try not to hurt my body. I'll still try to work on my social life and try to build a good life for myself after university. I'll still try to reward myself for finishing my thesis regardless of the mark I'll get in the end. Be that in the form of a holiday trip or in some other shape or form. Action I can take to counteract the worries: ask for support (looks like i can get a writing consultation today, after all!) try to write those 5 pages per chapter with zero pressure, be brave and cut things out...i can always change things later if i need to Positive reminders: i still have a lot of time to figure this out i love myself anyway, regardless of how well i'll manage i could fail at this and would love myself anyway (making me cry lol)

it wouldn't even be as an expression of self-hatred...more like a tool for emotional regulation that could help me feel better quickly. because i feel the discomfort on a very physical level right now. trying to resist it for now but maybe in a few days i'll let myself off the hook, just once.

thought of something triggering dad said yesterday, how i felt it put additional pressure on me even though it's already so incredibly hard to control myself with the thesis and everything. i got really sweaty...wanting to hurt myself really badly. it would provide some relief. ...not going to, but the thoughts are definitely there.

still feeling quite low and uncomfortable...

i slept well and had a lot of dreams dad was being supportive when i spoke with him on the phone yesterday i really like the new soap i got for my bathroom. every time i use it, i'm surprised at how good it smells. i'm trying to have a fresh start with the thesis today.

i feel extremely overwhelmed because of the thesis. scared that i won't manage. i have got no idea what i am doing and don't know how to make this go anywhere good. plus i'm stressed because i can't talk to anyone right now, so i'll probably waste two weeks until i can speak with a counsellor again. too much emotion! thinking about hurting myself (i won't but the thoughts are there). i don't feel safe!!!! feeling super uncomfortable. i hate this. i hate myself! it's all too much, i don't want this!!! also, my neighbour is extremely disrespectful and listening to odd music at an unreasonably high volume.

pushed myself to go outside because it is supposed to help with my mood saw two purple butterflies the sun is shining the sky is nice and blue, with some white clouds there are some green trees, they look nice in the sun walking feels good i am being nice to myself and taking care of myself. it's new that i am able to do this. this is progress, i'm not stuck. the soft breeze feels nice on my skin

pushed myself to go outside because it is supposed to help with my mood saw two purple butterflies the sun is shining the sky is nice and blue, with some white clouds there are some green trees, they look nice in the sun walking feels good i am being nice to myself and taking care of myself. it's new that i am able to do this. this is progress, i'm not stuck. the soft breeze feels nice on my skin

[ low energy and motivation today. hopelessness, fear.] i talked to my dad and told him i could use his support to help me re-direct with my thesis i booked a coaching session for tomorrow and hope that it will offer some insights as to how i can improve the things i am currently struggling with ... still feeling really low, lost, it seems futile to even try to pick myself up again. idk, maybe i just need a break. not sure.

there's also so much stress and emotional pressure/tension because of the thesis right now. i am scared, i feel overwhelmed. i'm scared i won't manage. ouch.

i feel as though i am being abandoned/let down, and there are so many challenges right now that i had hoped i could get help with...i don't know how to manage all of these obstacles on my own right now...it's too much.

my counsellor sent me an email saying she's ill, and it'll be another two weeks until i get to speak with her again. so i'm left all on my own, having to deal with the stress, the thesis, food and body image. not great! i would have really appreciated receiving some support today!

... i hate my struggles with food and bloating. this is NOT okay. it's so stupid, such an unnecessary source of suffering and discomfort. Why??? why do i have to struggle so much with this, when for others it's all easy-going and they have never had to give much thought to it? i have been struggling with this for years and years, it seems hopeless, i'm scared that i will never overcome this, that i'll never be at peace with my body, that food will always be a problem in my life in one way or another. i feel scared and hopeless. i look back at all these years in which i DIDN'T succeed at resolving this. so what makes me think i have any chance of resolving this now? i desperately want it to be resolved, and yet i don't know how. i feel angry at the nutritionist for not providing better assistance, i feel disappointed...as a specialist for people with eds she should be able to help with this sort of thing and have something wise to say about it...she didn't, and now she'll keep me waiting until mid-September. a lot can happen until then. i'm scared, left alone, without support. i hate that. i hate all of this. i hate myself for being so stupid and struggling so much with the most banal, unnecessary things. food shouldn't be such a big deal, it shouldn't be such a big struggle. and neither should appearance/body image.

i am trying to be nice to myself despite feeling really low today. it seems as though i can't do anything about the low mood...so i'll just let it be and hold on, knowing that it won't last forever and i'll feel better in a few days. i really like my outfit today: a black jumpsuit (very flowy pants) with a black and white cardigan. looks good and makes for a nice silhouette. i keep working on my thesis even though i am scared had a nice chat with a friend of mine (the one who showed me the workouts) in the hallway [feeling bad, etc.] [hating myself, uncomfortable.] going for an evening walk because i know that it's good for me *cultivating hopefulness: i am hoping/praying that my meeting with the counsellor at university tomorrow can help me find solutions for my struggles with food, body image, the thesis...and everything else. she seems competent and like she'll be able to give at least some new advice that will help a little bit. music feels good walking feels good

@Eskilon thank you:)

i'm really scared! just in general.

i guess the point is that even though i'm eating, i'm still really insecure and scared around food. it still feels forbidden and dangerous on some level, so i'm trying to cope with that by figuring out all the 'right' choices.

probably buy a nice house in a nice location:) and then do something good for humanity with the rest. what spontaneously comes to mind is children in need, and maybe improving the education system to account for more general life skills, mental and emotional well-being...as this isn't taught or prioritised enough yet, and it could have a huge positive effect on many people's lives, and the kind of society they will go on to co-create in the future. ...this is just what i spontaneously came up with...but what you're saying makes sense! so for me it's like a mixed interest in education and psychology...haven't yet decided between the two. as of now, i'm not actively pursuing either...thanks for reminding me that i should:)