Judy2

this is random but i've been thinking that maybe i'd like to train for a half-marathon, or at least a 10km run. this is the kind of thing you gotta do when you're still young, and i'd like to be able to say that i did this at least once in my life. i'm also curious to see how far i can push my body. in a loving sort of way, to gain some confidence and see what amazing things my body can accomplish if i let it. (saying this after i couldn't do my cardio after strength training today because i was too exhausted lol. i guess i'd have to train cardio on separate days for this....so i'll probably have to wait until after the thesis...otherwise, everything's a bit too much atm. but it's nice to have that goal in mind, and to slowly work my way towards it.)

good body image:) relatively calm, stress-free mood today [negatives: still procrastinating on my thesis, because my routine is that i get up early, drive into town to go to the gym....and then once i get home i feel like i need a long break and don't have the volition or energy to be productive. ...gotta find a way to fix this somehow!]

feeling unusually neutral today. i was very tired in the morning, got to the gym nonetheless, somehow pushed through my workout, felt extremely exhausted afterwards. then i dragged myself down a few blocks to have the second session with the new therapist. so far, he doesn't really make me feel anything, he bores me a little and it mostly feels like pointless intellectual discussions with him...we'll see...i'll keep having test sessions with him but there's also another therapist whom i'll meet next week, and he might be a really good fit cause he seems to know a lot about attachment trauma and so forth (he's a systemic therapist). body image is pretty good today, my belly's doing great, and my appetite is pretty well-regulated. good:)

what do i do if i (presently) notice stressors in my environment that i can't do anything about? for example, sources of noise and chaos that i can't easily get rid of, and that keep disturbing me every day.

yes, i am trying to do this:) but it's so much easier said than done.

@Wilhelm44yup, thank you:)

had a helpful call with my counsellor overcame the initial resistance and got back to working on my thesis played the piano

this one's a bit odd, but i have noticed that every time i have a writing consultation (whether that be online or in person), i get these ASMR-like effects (tingling sensations in my brain and so forth). i've had these consultations at irregular intervals throughout the past few years and it's happened very consistently in this context, but not in other similar contexts (meeting friends, or speaking with therapists 1:1 and sitting opposite them the way i would in front of my writing consultant). this also happens independent of who my consultant is and independent of their gender. ...i find this a bit odd and don't know how to explain it to myself. maybe it's about receiving this kind of close personal attention, not sure.

@Wilhelm44 hey:) sorry, i read your message but then forgot to reply. there are a couple of things that are causing chronic stress for me: 1) mental health problems, constant worries about self-worth, body image, if everything's okay with me/if something's wrong with me 2) i am quite sensitive to noise and other triggers in my environment. in the town where i go to university, i live in a building with lots of tiny apartments and i hear people in the hallway all the time. the guy in the apartment right next to mine studies music and it's super triggering for me when he practises singing. right now i am staying at my parents' house, which is a bit quieter, but when dad is home, he can be triggering, too, because he's loud and noisy and leaves his clutter everywhere. i don't know how to strike a healthy balance between seeing that i have the power to make my environment more pleasant, and accepting that apparently, no matter where i go (run), there'll always be a couple of disturbing factors in my environment. 3) my thesis - i don't know how to manage writing it. (also related to the self-worth issue, i believe). ...that being said: i have ordered the l-theanine just now, as you recommended. i also started supplementing ashwagandha a few weeks ago, but so far, i haven't noticed much of an effect from that.

@Schizophonia ok:)

hi there:) i hope this question doesn't sound all too stupid or naive...but i've been wondering if it might be worth a try to buy a blood glucose monitor and try it out for a few days to help me get a better feel for what my body's energy needs are. while i do know a lot about nutrition, i am struggling with food for emotional reasons and have difficulty understanding my fullness and satiety cues. buying a blood glucose monitor is quite a financial investment, but perhaps it might be worth it if it helps me get a better feel for what my body needs (when, how much, which combination of macronutrients). i don't plan on becoming obsessive about it, it might just be a useful tool to assist me in becoming more intuitive about my relationship with food again, and i don't plan on needing the monitor in the long term...trying it for a few weeks, though, could help me understand a few things about my intake and how it affects my mood and energy levels throughout the day. if i see a curve on paper, i could possibly match it with my intake at different times of the day and see how this affects my subjectively felt experience as well, then draw some useful conclusions based on that. i could totally do that without a blood sugar curve, but perhaps it's useful to have one nonetheless...kind of like counting the days of my cycle because then i know where i am at with my mood, hormones, and energy levels. ...i'm curious to hear if you have any thoughts on this....if this is a silly idea or if there might be something to it:) apologies if this is stupid<3

negative/challenging: i'm still quite unproductive and don't know how to proceed with my thesis/lost motivation to keep trying only watched videos all afternoon because i felt that i had no energy/motivation to be productive it's still stressful to be around dad when he gets home from work, and he was quite noisy this evening, and he makes ugly sounds when he eats and even when he drinks water hopefulness: writing consultation and counselling tomorrow; maybe this will help and give me a new idea as to how to proceed. played the piano; it felt good.

i think it largely depends on the specific demographic of women you're sampling. personally, the videos you linked aren't content i would consume on a regular basis, i wouldn't find it particularly valuable or worthwhile. and from time to time i love a good documentary about black holes. i have a friend who is a doctor and who is also really interested in music. 90% of her female friends are doctors and i imagine most of them wouldn't find the videos you linked above appealing. another friend of mine is really interested in literature and the media. so this really depends on the person, individual upbringing, and god knows what else. making personal interests a matter of gender vastly oversimplifies us. of course there are some general trends, but there are so many other factors involved. i haven't followed the whole conversation so maybe my view on what's been said isn't entirely accurate. that being said, i agree that when i want to discuss men on here, it's usually about individual men and their behaviour, rather than men as a collective group without making any further distinctions...because there are often so many other important factors involved that determine an individual's behaviour, other than their sex/gender...if i run into problems with men i tend to think of them as individual problems and usually a matter of how mature/immature both participants in that conflict are, and i don't make it about all men on this planet. maybe i should lol.

@Salvijus that's great to hear:)

doing good today:) good mood, good body image:) my belly seems flatter and more okay than on other days had a nice time at the gym:) it's fascinating to me how a few days ago, my belly seemed problematic and way too big, and now it's almost fine and thin and my silhouette as a whole feels a lot more acceptable. my hunger- and satiety cues today seem reasonable and reliable...it feels good to think that maybe i am starting to heal in this regard, and starting to better understand my body and be well-regulated around food. trying to relax:) and just letting myself have a good day

good mood this morning? weighed myself and the number was quite reassuring wearing one of my favourite dresses (the one with the white top and long flower skirt) and i feel quite comfortable and relatively okay with my physique for now had a protein iced coffee bought myself some freshly cut pineapple while waiting for an appointment in town sitting in the sun right now i tend not to notice, because it happens gradually and i'm often focussed on the areas where things are still off and causing me suffering, but my relationship with food has probably already improved and stabilised a lot. i'm a little less overwhelmed at the shops, don't feel as triggered or as though there are too many options to choose from, i don't feel as though i have to buy everything, i don't feel as though everything i buy has to be eaten that same day, i can have dried fruit and nuts and nut butter around without feeling nervous, and without wanting to (or having to) finish it all in one sitting, or even two or three...so, pretty good that this has started to cool down, and perhaps this trend will continue and i'll be able to become even more intuitive and regulated around food:) i really hope so. extreme hunger (which i still experienced from time to time a couple of weeks ago) has also disappeared completely and i'm not bingeing or anything...my caloric intake is probably very consistent and similar on most days - still pretty high though - even without me counting calories (only very roughly but i'm not making food choices based on that).

negatives/challenges: being around dad can be stressful body image concerns had some challenging emotions and thoughts this morning not getting on with my thesis and i don't know how to proceed positives/gratitudes/feel-good-moments: tidied up my parents' house and it lifted up my mood went cycling around the village this evening when i felt that i had the energy to do so our garden is nice went outside for an evening walk and had a positive, relaxed call with my mum (for once!) dad drove me into town and picked me up again from the library today, which is quite a privilege/luxury and i should appreciate that dad and i watched a documentary about colours and the impact they have on our psyche. it was interesting and inspiring. mum and grandma had a nice holiday and are spending quality time together...so i'm glad that they are well

i don't know what it is that today is such a struggle trying to deal with it, somehow and give myself a break...just trying to relax and be nice to myself. i'm trying! it's difficult

i'm sitting outside and it's nice, with the soft wind on my skin

i feel very frustrated. i am trying so hard to get a hold of everything, i am trying so hard to deal with my emotions...and still i can't seem to shake them right now, they're overpowering, they're too much, i can't feel good. i feel sad that this is the case, i feel sad that this is such a struggle. i feel worried because the thesis seems like an insurmountable challenge again, given my general mental state.

i feel despair...i don't feel able to concentrate on my thesis, and i don't know what else to do with myself instead. it's all too much. i just wanna pull a blanket over my head, curl up in bed and wait, pretend like i'm not here. it's all too much and i don't know what to do if i can't focus on my work.

i'd know how to make myself lose weight...but i don't know how to achieve equilibrium; mental, physical, and emotional health; an effortless relationship with food, body, mind, and soul - which is what i actually seek in the long term, and what will actually make me happy.

sorry to anyone reading my endless rambling:) i feel a bit embarrassed for sharing all of this with no filters on. i think i understand what my problem is though. i feel as though i don't deserve empathy for current body image struggles because they could easily be fixed by a bit of restriction and weight loss, and if i'm resisting that it's my own fault...so then i feel twice as bad. it would be up to me to fix all of this and lose weight again, and i'm choosing not to cause that's not wise two months into recovery, when i was underweight and had no period 2 months ago, and my brain and body are still distrustful AND i know that forcing myself into restriction briefly fixes body image concerns but doesn't help me achieve the kind of healthy, effortless balance i would love to achieve in the long term. still, i feel very guilty for resisting the "quick fix" cause now every time i complain about my size it's all my fault and my responsibility that i look this way.

i'm stupid...because i pretend as though i believe in recovery, when i actually don't. i just don't believe in being sick anymore, that it would bring me the kind of happiness and sense of completion that i had always hoped it would, so i kind of have to pretend like i am all pro-self-love...when i'm really not and i'm still very sceptical of that. very phoney of me. i just pretend like i'm all pro-recovery now because i'm not pro-being sick anymore, and what's the alternative?...but in truth, i'm still very conflicted. ouch. i am sorry for being this way! i feel as though everything about me is wrong and ugly.

and....as to not gaslight myself: i think i looked better when i was slimmer. (not some imaginary other people). i just think it's no good getting back there through compulsion, restriction, and self-punishment. so i put a lot of faith forward (do i???) into healing myself instead, and harmonising my emotions and my body and my lifestyle and my relationship with food. whatever happens to my body when i am happy will be right for me. right? i don't know. maybe that is naive. and i don't believe in that. but it's kind of my only choice, because i don't believe in restriction and illness helping me be happy in the long term, either. ...and i can see that it is taking me a lot of energy to be thinking about this every day, and that this makes it harder to work on my thesis. ...so yes, it's still not a bad idea to get more support (therapy) soon. fighting for myself, trying really hard, and getting help aren't mutually exclusive. *** sorry if all of this is too much. i feel as though it is. sorry. i feel stupid for "handling recovery all on my own" when i am obviously doing a miserable job at it - cause look! look how i am obsessing over it and feeling insecure and questioning everything and on and on. it's taking way too much mental energy right now...it probably would be better and healthier if it didn't take so much....and i'm not sure if this is "necessary work" i put into it, or if it's a sign that i am doing it all wrong because i am too doubtful or whatever. this is rough.