Judy2

hard to tell what this was. generally speaking, i'd point out that a mystical experience isn't necessarily perceptual/visual. it's not about what happens inside your perceptual bubble, but how this bubble is made sense of/conceived of/how the Self relates to this bubble. your age doesn't matter.

what about meal prepping it in advance (and freezing it)?

Day 2 sleep was less than ideal again. so was work. energy's low as i don't feel comfortable eating at the office, and the way to work and back takes 1 hour in each direction... tasks at work were meh, too. lots of copy and paste, etc. felt quite exhausted and eager to get home. it's also raining. and my parents didn't warn me about this, maybe they didn't know either, but i'm having suspicions that my host may have a drinking problem - which isn't really affecting me, but it does leave a hint of discomfort, for sure. anyway, one more negative: i don't think i'll make it to the gym on weekdays because that'd also be a 45 min drive in each direction (that can't be combined with the way to work)....and i don't have the nerve for that after the workday. will catch up with my training on the weekend. not because i don't want to work out after work, i'd love to, but because travelling to an unknown gym in an unknown part of an unknown town by unknown means of transportation in unknown weather conditions would add 2 more unsafe hours to my already pretty damn unsafe day. now i'm just trying to feel safe, maybe read a book and watch some YouTube videos....staying in and doing all the stuff to feel safe and comfy, when the rest of the day is filled with danger and discomfort. something like that. ... i find it hard to ground myself right now. hence why i am writing all this - it's a lot going on for me, for sure, and i am having trouble switching modes to just being and relaxing... but i guess now's finally the much desired time for that? still hard to switch modes.

Internship Day One at the Cultural Office i didn't have a good night's sleep as i lay awake for a few hours, but felt relatively good when i got up this morning. had enough time to get ready and then my parents' friend drove me into town by car. i got to the Cultural Office on foot, was introduced to everybody and shown around. got my own laptop and a password, but it took us quite some time to deal with technical difficulties. after that was fixed, i was given some documents to work on - copy and paste, re-size, look for grammar or vocabulary mistakes, try printing them and finding the right format. everybody's nice but the secretary told me it's a job where you have to sit a lot and i should think about whether that's for me. feeling somewhat uncomfortable and unsafe now. i tried to have lunch but couldn't because i couldn't find a place to be alone and i tried to feel into it but felt too uncomfortable to eat. i'll be staying until 2 pm and then i can drive back home - which is, at least, a lot safer than here. ...sat in the tram now and i'm feeling drained, overstimulated, socially depleted. had to smile and do small talk for way too many hours today. ... probably not my dream job or dream office, but i assume i'll make it through the next two weeks being present enough to enjoy some aspects of this nonetheless.

if i can quiet the struggles around food and anxiety.... now i'm actually excited for the days to come, getting to know the new city and everything. it'll be good. feeling this enthusiastic is so alien to me.

....i do feel unsafe, unstable....because it's so new, unknown, forbidden to me to try to plan on eating enough when i'm travelling, somewhere new, doing something new. that's such a weird combo, to aim for balance in that kind of environment....rather than trying to restrict, which is a much clearer direction than finding the middle ground between too little and too much. but it has to be this way and apparently, i need to practice this. i know that every time i failed to do this, i felt sad and dreamt of the moment when i finally could feed myself well despite external uncertainties.....so apparently now's the time that i'm finally "allowed" to do the meal prep while away from home, somewhere scary. not really allowed, even, maybe i'm not allowed to...but i guess it just makes sense, cause i know the consequences for me - mentally and physically - that arise when my eating gets out of hand and overly chaotic. i'm trying to be good to myself and eat regularly, because i know rationally that i'll be better off this way, even though it's not how i normally function outside of my self-proclaimed safe spaces. so maybe it's still not allowed and it still feels bad, but regardless, i understand why it makes sense to prioritise meal times. (by the way, strength training is also one of the reasons i'm starting to see why it's not good to go through random phases of restriction....if i want to keep working out, i should keep eating enough, too. everything else would do more harm than good.

there's some anxiety and a sense of unsafety, for sure. there always is when i'm in a new, unknown environment. but i'm getting along well with the hosts and trying my best to make this a good experience....exploring the new cities and everything. it's tempting for me to restrict when things are like this, but i also know it's not good for me and it usually backfires later - so despite the anxiety, i'm trying to be a bit rigorous about feeding myself well and regularly. i told myself what to meal-prep in advance, so that i don't have to overthink it now that the emotions are kicking in unpredictably. breakfast and lunch for tomorrow are sorted...after work i may try to find a gym, and then i can figure out dinner when i get home. ....so i can go to sleep with a good feeling, overall, and things may be well. when i am calm, sometimes i tell myself i love myself...weird. maybe i do this to reinforce or underline the calmness, which is always such a rare experience for me.

Internship Craze - Day Zero some counsellor a few months ago told me i hadn't done enough placements for my cv yet (i hadn't done a single one at that point), so somehow i ended up here, aiming to do a six week streak of three two-week placements in a row. this afternoon, i got to the station and drove to the big city next to the smaller city where i'll be tackling placement number one starting tomorrow. by the time i arrived, my apathy from the hours prior had subsided (i had been stuck in freeze mode being barely responsive)....felt some excitement when driving into the city, and listened to music as i took the tram to get to my accommodation. now i'm staying in one of my parents' friend's attic. ate some tofu and i'm HOPING to feel safe and stabilise here soon.

i'm hurting a bit and feeling bad because of how destabilising the weeks since christmas have been for me. i don't like how the unstable environment has made my eating and meal structure equally unstable, and has been harmful to my psyche and body....don't know if it will get any easier from here, but i'm hoping that my accommodations during the two work placements this month will provide enough safety to help me get back on track in terms of routines and stability. hard to think of that right now, cause i'm despairing a little.

this view and emotion is not permanent. it'll keep on shifting.

i think everybody's moved on from Tinder and dating apps in general for quite a while. it's also not really your fault that you're not doing well on there - that's pretty much built into the system. you can find videos explaining that on YouTube.

i don't know...i feel like i should have been more intentional with the journal. be clearer from the start on what i am actually trying to accomplish here.... instead, i'm just winging it and figuring it out as i go.

it can go both ways. for some people, excessively exercising can be a dysfunctional behaviour when trying to regulate themselves. that being said, for most people, it isn't, and most of us would benefit from exercising more. in that case, exercise is also nice because it offers both more immediate and long-term benefits for emotional regulation: it can be implemented as a routine for general stability, and as a spontaneous skill in moments of crisis (running around the block, doing a few squats, running up and down the stairs to deal with an immediate emotional trigger or stressful situation).

gluten isn't bad for you unless you have celiac disease....i think that's the scientific consensus these days, at least. if you have a good blender, you can make your own hazelnut butter:)

i like using stevia as a sugar substitute. the powdered version works well for baking because it has the same volume as sugar. - any thoughts on this?

i've been wanting to share this point here....that sometimes, i'm obviously anxious when things are bad, but i'm also - very oddly - quite anxious when things that i know are usually bad (or a source of major discomfort and self-rejection) are suddenly "good". good body image, most prominently. because there's so much pressure still, knowing that the not-having it is such a huge source of suffering and self-hatred....but when it's finally good, i'm feeling anxious, clingy, paranoid, wondering how long it will last, knowing it can only last for so long. i wonder if anybody on this planet relates to this - any of the women with an ed history who've gone through phases of perceiving themselves to look good while feeling miserable, or feeling better but looking worse and feeling bad about that....or some other combination of the above. i wonder if i'm alone with that. i guess that's why seeing my own underweight body last year was such a huge trigger. because it felt so good even though i know it's not a good life when i try to maintain it....and this is still such a huge source of sadness, sometimes. and i feel alone with that. i also feel quite stupid for not choosing it and not living it when i feel the trigger - cause living out that triggered fantasy would be the greatest way of honouring it - but then it also consumes my entire life, and my life will be only that, and nothing more. ....and this is all a bit too meta but while writing this, i got triggered by some stuff (the writing and some other things), paused, thought it's not worth doing something stupid over, got triggered some more, felt too many things, couldn't cool down, did one of the things that are not good for me in the long-term. but this is where online honesty has to end because i can't share that openly...not sure how to balance this with writing about the solutions i try to find. (it's also difficult to balance being honest and expressing an authentic part of me with sounding too much like i'm supporting or promoting harmful behaviours, or showing them off in some sort of fetishistic manner,..which is not my intention!)

body image today is comparatively good, anxiety moderate.

@Natasha Tori Maru that's really nice to hear, thank you♡

i don't know how, but i'm suddenly feeling good this evening? still a little anxious, and the anxiety will keep coming...but i'm also feeling a bit of enthusiasm or something? or maybe relief because i got some things sorted for the weeks to come, and now there's a bit more space for the excitement to shine through (which i didn't even know existed at this point, with all the stress to cover it up)...i'm leaving on sunday and starting my first placement on monday. anyway, i randomly polished my nails and now they're nice and shimmery. reflecting the light really nicely. i also played the piano earlier while wearing my white cardigan with the black details on the sleeves. this put me into a bit of a poetic mood for a few seconds, as it had before, when it made me think how, as in life, melodies on the piano are played by combining black and white keys. fittingly, i also bought that cardigan about a year ago when i was in hospital and on my last day, i was sat there in that sweater with everybody, playing chess.... on a black and white board. what a vibe. people like to say "it's not black and white". well, it is. it's black AND white...and also red. and yellow. and green. and blue. and violet. and on and on. with a bit of glitter, too. i used to enjoy saying that as a little girl (the glitter part was really important).

@Natasha Tori Maru thank you for sharing:)

i keep thinking about - and sometimes stressing about - my career prospects. my latest idea is that i might want to study nutrition, but then i started stressing about how complicated it will be to apply, etc. idk if it's okay to stop thinking about something once i start stressing about it. that seems like a recipe for procrastination... but maybe it's enough for today and i can continue tomorrow.

i think it's okay to be frustrated at this for some time....but after a while it can flip and even partial love is seen as Love? so you can start to appreciate the beauty of gestures that you recognise as "immature" or "temporary"in their development, too. for example, if you watch a movie that's very stage blue and it celebrates forms of love that are a bit limited and conservative....once you get to the other stages and watch that movie again, it can be disheartening. but then you can also reach a point where you look back and appreciate the love and beauty and see that it "counts" regardless.

@Eskilon yes i've thought about this before. i don't have the perfect answer but i guess if you're wise and open-minded, this conflict is resolved (at least partially) with age and life-experience (?).

@PsychedelicEagle okay thank you for explaining.

i agree on the first one, but the second point i'm still figuring out tbh:)