Sugarcoat

Thanks .

Yea could be a form of that. The difference being I don’t feel “distant” but rather I could lowkey melt into the enviroment at any moment and loose myself and my connection to myself.

Then I know who to write to if I ever need some info … for now ima just keep working on trying to become independent from my family

Ofc you know you hippie Im just a lone wolf

Yea then it’s a matter of finding them. Or just fuck it and do it alone

Or better because they’re Christian ima say I’m trying to tap into Christ consciousness

Yea exactly. If I need a trip sitter I’d have to get to know someone

Thanks. Well I’d like to try more of it but I live at my parents and they keep an eye on my transactions so I have to be sneaky somehow.

I lowkey feel like the meditation did nothing for me (maybe I needed even more of it), but psychedelics immediately attacked the self structure. That’s why I wanna try them more. I believe it’s all scientific, meditation and psychedelics do something in the brain that affects the self structure, more or less. So it’s a matter of breaking that mechanism

@Salvijus thanks. But would you believe me if I said that my situation is due to ~incomplete~ self dissolution? So it’s like I have tiny ego left that that is less than regular ego

@Breakingthewall i tried to do meditation a few months ago, 2-3 hours a day and i did that for a little while then stopped. Its lack of desire for it , i can do things when i have strong desire for it, but i dont have strong desire for it (or for anything for that matter) I did in teenage years daily meditation for over a year but then stopped too. I’d like to try drugs

@Breakingthewall to be completely honest, I don’t have enough desire to meditate that’s my issue. I guess psychedelics would be better for me then

It was like the end of “something”

I didn’t go infinite. But I peeled the layers of self to almost an end. I’m still here with this tiny self left

I was losing that sense of “something existing” (the boundary of self and other). Reality is to me “something” , duality. So it was like I was approaching no duality, no reality But you could call reality everything

I wouldn’t say it’s classic. I think most people who have awakenings have them without dissolving so much of the structure of self. It seems I was close to a sort of awakening Yea maybe I was approaching a nothingness, but upon arrival at it, it would reveal itself to be everything. Maybe Thanks for the suggestions

Yea it seems to me like the sense of self can drop even if the structure hasn’t been dissolved. Because my self still feels absolutely real, even if it’s very “thin/small”. So that realness could go away at any time, regardless of how much has dissolved.

It’s not a scary idea to entertain, it’s not like I’m unwilling to accept it. I recognize that when I think about my brain, it’s a thought about my brain. I don’t have proof of my brains existence i don’t feel like I chose my thoughts : thoughts just arise, so when I imagine myself, when I have self referential thoughts, I think to myself: maybe those thoughts create or at least contribute to the sense of self? And what/who is thinking those thoughts? You could say I’m thinking those thoughts, but I don’t feel like I’m making a conscious choice in choosing to have those thoughts, those thoughts about myself come spontaneously: that’s why I say it’s my brain imagining myself.

I googled mahasamadhi and it seems it’s when the consciousness leaves the body, I don’t think this is close to that If self dissolution means end of suffering then I’m for it You have a normal amount of ego

Feeling strongly separated from others can come from a strong self awareness of your own self. So it was for me, as a child before I gradually dissolved myself (not all the way) I felt scarily separate, it was disturbing and that awareness was a self awareness. If you’re more outwardly focused you might be in more flow state and forget yourself more thus feel less separate

@LastThursday It never goes fully away. Or maybe it does but I just don’t notice those tiny moments of absence. But it does fluctuate how big it is

@Breakingthewall You got that experience part down that’s the part I need to get down

@LastThursday a little bit of the self reappeared (but not in the way it was before as in layers of mind, but some sense of time, space and other etc reappeared) It was positive when I had “breakthroughs” because it felt like a release of tension, (the self is lowkey this tension). But other than that pretty neutral. I think the self has to do with survival maybe it was created to help body survive I don’t know though My difficulties is that I lack emotion, libido and major joy. I’m almost completely “neutral” all the time, very calm and unaffected by circumstances, it’s a bit zen almost. Sometimes I can get “low” because I feel a disconnect from myself, as a consequence of all this. But other than that my life continues normally. The self and other/rest is one boundary, when that boundary starts to dissolve sense of distance starts to dissolve too (you could almost visualize it). Time and continuity connected to your sense of reality and personal timeline which is connected to sense of self

It’s mental problem. It’s quite unusual . I’m healthy in my body tho

Have no libido like me😊problem solved