Jannes

This feels a little embarrassing. I did some Impro acting in a new group today and there is this guy who works in a Kinder garden. When we did a scene together today I was in a moment where I didn’t know what to do next, a bit of an emotional overload and I think he had an eye for that and just said that’s not so important and changed the direction and I immediately lived up. I felt a deep sense of comfort all throughout the day. I basically need people who help me when my emotions or triggers get out of control because I don’t have enough dopamine in my system to do it myself. And immediately I will feel a deep sense of comfort and everything will work magically. That’s what it seems like. But in a sense it’s just love. I think I haven’t gotten love in some way. I was way better at self love years ago as well.

Weed consumption increased by like 20% in cannada after legalization, you gotta do your research sir: https://health-infobase.canada.ca/cannabis/data-exploration.html#fig2Wrapper While that is an increase the weed is cleaner and the extra tax money you get from selling cannabis legally and the savings from police work can be put into prevention work.

Well I asked chatgpt about it and summarized it roughly. Manufacturing is already highly illegal and they do it anyway so why would you expect a change?

If their views are too different they wont get anything done. Here in germanys last election we had parties which didnt agree with each other so progress was difficult. A key question I asked myself though was if that would be a bad thing. Trump does lots of things which are hurtful, Biden did many things which were helpful, if they both were in office and blocked each other then maybe on average it would be similiarly good. Or maybe it would be better because it would create stability. Or maybe worse because the population doesnt see any change so it isnt educated. Well if the pendulum doesnt swing back and forth a little some things would maybe never happen. For example healthcare. And then this progress is hard to pull out of peoples hands once they tasted it. Maybe even phases with lots of change and then stability phases would be best.

Yeah data suggests that in general the effects are positive, consumption stays roughly the same but the police gets relief, the weed is clean, selling weed legally boosts the economy, but prevention work is important. All in all its mostly a good thing. I remember years ago when I smoked weed sometimes when it was illegal. I remember how much I didnt give a fuck, it made it all the more exciting walking through the streets with a joint. And it wasnt like it was hard to get when you had some friends.

AI replaced many of my doctors and advisors and might replace my therapist. All fields which require lots of qualification. I thought that many jobs will be replaced, but I didnt expect that AI could even replace some social work as well, so the fields which stay open are quite few. Social societies will probably remain adamant for quite some time that humans are neccessary for some jobs, but in the long run I think most will be replaced. From what I know High level mathematics is something AI cant do well and with that maybe some other things which require advanced reasoning and also genuine ingenuity and creativity as well. But these are just a few fields. And just for getting by, securing that survival is handled, AI will cover almost everything. If societies divided wealth fairly that is. So the question arises how can a jobless person which provides no value to the world at large be happy? I think its important to look at categories of people in society who already dont work and live happily doing so which would include: elderly, disabled people, long term unemployed, nomads, very wealthy people. You can of course create artificial work, many people might need that for their mental health. Which really makes me think of the little society in Jim Knopf. In one season they collect gold, in the next they hide it. So nothing is gained of course but they always have something to do. Jim says at the end of the epidose that they might be happy living that way. Maybe we need that kind of job as well where the ciycles are just much more complex so that it isnt obvious that the work doesnt reach a higher goal. Well lets see how things will work out, I am not throwing my career away like that.

Oh wow I just remembered this part of my past self. I think over my lifetime I sometimes remembered that and then my memory closed again. Back when I was in like third grade I had this tendency to never ever say that a thing is like this or that I always answered with at least I think or guess so. Partly because of my adhd which made it hard to know what was going on but also because I came to the realization that I never ever completely knew something for a fact, there could always be errors in perception, bad information source, etc. I had come to this realization and it had a strong emotional weight for me, it was an authentic expression of who I was when I didnt fool myself into saying I knew something when I didnt. So people said that I should be more decisive and even said that whenever I said that I made a sentence and added "at least I believe so" or something similiar they said to each other that you can take that last part of the sentence out. But for me it was natural. I thought that we could all just adapt our language in such a way that we always said I think before a sentence. I thought a lot about why I thought so differently about the world and remembered that besides my adhd I also made some actual mystiqual experiences where were just undoubtetly true / a higher form of true even though at this age I still could only remember them vaguely. So I compared that to all the other things and they didnt have that undoubtetly true quality to them so it made sense for me to look at them like guesses but for a person who didnt make that super true experieces these guesses are likely the most true thing there is for them.

Key new insights about my problems: So with ad(h)d you have more awareness then other with the cost that you can regulate it less. This created certain problems for me that others dont face. In the social context for example I can see all the little signs of interest even from people way below or above my current status. This makes it problematic for me to settle in. I think most people will think of themselves as having a certain status and act from that framework, meaning they will be happy to have friends and romantic partners fitted for their status and their consciousness will hide interest from people below or above. For me this isnt the case as much. Even when I feel like a nobody I can still see that people way above my perceived status can be interested, which made it difficult for me to settle, because I wanted to settle with the best option that was available for me and I am conscious that people with high status have interest yet at the same time I dont feel worthy for them. And I dont want to use a person in the middle ground as a spoungeboard to help me feel better about myself so that I can reach the high apples. I have had plenty of people where I felt emotional interest in that moment and which suited my sense of self worth but I didnt go with it because I knew that I could do much better. And interestingly its also very hard to get emotional support because of it. Because with my perceived low status people will automatically be somewhat corrupt, wanting to support me sure but not to the extend that I would outgrow them. Yet I know my potential.

I had a big talk with the leader of the association I am in. I was to scared to do this talk basically for years. So this was a huge moment. I also dont have the best connection to the leader which made it difficult. I talked about many of my social problems in my association, there are still many things I havent touched on which would be too much but I shared a good bunch. Dont know how to feel about it now, I am a little scared of the consequences. But I feel a lot of emotional clearity.

Reminds me that I have to change the loose chain on my bike.

I find deeply deluted people fascinating. I always try to understanding how their mind bended that way. But I guess you somewhat connect to your massage therapist because of the touch which might take away some healthy distance.

I think something like this is weird to do like a practical routine but maybe the kind of person who is very logical and routinely needs exactly that. Pure dance can be a lot of fun, if you dont learn to get any enjoyment out of it you wont become good at it. I did a lot of free dancing in clubs and often at home. Maybe like 80 hours in total, hard to tell. Well you learn to get more and more comfortable in pure dance and you put more emotions into it. So you grow to enjoy it more. Some tipps are valueable, like dance with your soul not with your mind.

A water filter station is more expensive then that but it might even be overkill especially in countries with decent drinking water. Sad that it doesnt say how much percent of the heavy metals it filters out.

This shit has potential for a song, just take the intro:

@Leo Gura But you said it would be amazing. What did you have in mind?

Leo said he is directing a video game as he has full time emplyeses working on a video game for him. A few years ago he also once said to Razard that he wants to do a movie about infinity to which razard replied that he knew that Leo would want to do that. How the f do I remember these things...

Okay I see. Would recognizing oneself in the mirror count as being conscious of identity?

Isnt that a pretty specific kind of human consciousness? A bee can see ultraviolett on a flower while humans do not so it has more consciousness in that regard.

A person who seeks truth and tries to unbullshit his mind is kind of a strange pervert to society. He searches for deeper and deeper ways of self deception and when he finds them and airs them out he gets off from it. The deeper the self deception the stronger the kick. Like a person who gets satisfaction out of squeezing out pimples. This person searches for the ultimate pimple because he knows what a kick squeezing out the last big pimple got him. In the same same a truth seeker knows how satisfying finding a big pimple of self deception in ones mind is and that finding the ultimate self deception will lead somewhere profound.

A situation yesterday triggered me and made me angry (without medication). That instantly got me into a mindset where I thought I could socialize. Basically I can work with any kind of stimulation and make something out of it but most of the time the tank is just empty.

I took a crumble of a Medikinet Tablet (adhd medication) today. I didnt want to take it anymore because I felt like it changed me to much but I was in such a low the last days I couldnt think of another option. Just that one super small crumble today led me to work on a task which felt so unpleasent I could have delayed it forever with not enough inner emotional regulation control to attack it. Took another even smaller crumble 5 hours later - I went to the gym and I am stil feeling motivated and optimistic and ready to change my current situation. Even all the social problems are kind of dissolved, I coudl actually socialize like everybody else because I have enough dopamine to independently from other people be in control of my emotional state. Many people take up to 3 tablets a day, I might have taken 1/8 of a tablet today... (interesting)

I had moments where I thought about working on an emergency hotline for suicidal people, or becoming a social worker for criminals or heck even becomign a stripper. I never really knew what interested me about these things but what all of them have in common is that they are in highly stimulating environements.

I very much appreaciate these short mini films. And I think I could be good at creating them as well as it connects deep psychological understanding which you cant really get out of textbook but moreso through intuition and the wild creative expression of these insights. Its just that I dont know if I could sit around on my chair all day to create that. I need a stimuating environement to get me going. I recently even heard that many AD(H)D people work in emergency services because they thrive in high stimulating environements. Well I dont have enough experience to tell if I could work on a project without much outside distraction IF I found it highly interesting (stimulating). If not this would be the environement where I would thrive in:

"All civilization was just an effort to impress the opposite sex."