Gianna

If it's starting to bother you that's when you know you need to make a change. If it is not driving you insane then you are still benefitting from it. Maybe what you are benefitting from is letting yourself experience it more and more and more until you break. Until the point where you are so sick of it, you want the change. That's when change becomes easy; when taking action becomes easy. You'll do anything to make it stop. The fear then becomes of not changing. But at this point you become neurotic and impulsive. So how do we know that we need a change before reaching neurosis? Well, awareness is the short answer. Realizing that everything is already as it was meant to be is the long one. But for now– and in the moment of panic– take a breath and realize that if it weren't for everything that was you wouldn't be facing what is. And isn't what you're facing wonderful? You made it to the crossroads where you can see everything. The brink before change is the place where you perceive both sides, all sides. Isn't this enlightening? It's where you are meant to be but it's not where you are meant to stay. You are meant to move and find yourself at your next intersection. At the point of intersection, you see all roads, all sides, all diversities. What a beautiful place to be. But you are not meant to stay at this crossroads. You are meant to be brave enough to choose and go down the road that will give you the most growth, the most understanding, the most expansion despite your fears. Do you want to take the red pill or the blue pill? Do you want to take the scenic route or the quick and bland one? If any choice at all defeats you, just know that there will always be another intersection for you to sit at. There is always more for you to see. There is always more for you to choose between. There is always choice itself. You’re never stuck unless you stay at your crossroads. But even then, the universe will push you forward by turning up the heat. You’ll start to get uncomfortable in this heat and move because you have to. “How do you want to do this?” the universe will ask you. Do you want to live willfully or neurotically? Either way is fine. If you choose to rely on the universe to push you to where you need to go (if you choose to live neurotically) it is only because you don’t trust yourself. You don’t trust that you’ll make the right decision. You don’t trust that you know what you need because you don’t even know what it is you truly want. You turn to the universe for guidance but in doing so you give away your authority. Which is fine because you are ultimately giving it away to yourself. But why not take on this authority primarily instead of secondarily? Because then things will happen a lot quicker. Instantaneously in fact. So what are you afraid of? Are you afraid of success or failure? Either way, this fear is what is holding you back from choosing. Do you even know what you are choosing between? You are choosing between autonomy and connection. Do you want to take control over your life or do you want to be receptive of it, reflective of it? Both are what you want and need. It’s the difference between masculine and feminine orientation. Both are necessary. And both will lead you to the same place– Love, Insight, Creation of Life. You see, you are always creating your life whether you want to be or not. Whether you feel like it or not. Whether you are aware of it or not. This is because life doesn’t stop and it never could. Life is beyond time. It is what is happening RIGHT NOW; why are you afraid of it? It's already what is. Rest in the fact that no matter what you do, you will always have choice because you will always have change. And so if you always have change you can always change your mind and no one can take this away from you. So don’t worry about what you are choosing. If you feel like you have made the “wrong choice” you can always switch directions. But don’t you see? There is no direction because life is beyond space. No experience is wrong because they all lead to the same thing, You. They all lead to deeper understanding of you, deeper love of you, deeper connection with you. Look back on your life right now and realize that this has always been the case. No matter what, experience has always expanded your awareness and your awareness is what fills you with so much love and gratitude. The people you’ve met, the moments you’ve had, the growth and realizations you’ve had that gave you connection with so many people– because you can relate. Relating is understanding and understanding is Love. And Love only comes through experience which only comes through choice! So what are you going to choose? The answer needs to be choice itself. And bravery. The answer needs to be, “Fuck it, we’re doing it!”

I went to a conference and ran into a professional energy worker. I have been dealing with energy moving vigorously around in my body for a while now. The energy worker told me the reason why I feel these 'energy jolts' in my body is because my spirit is trying to leave my body because I am not grounded (i.e. I have a contracted root chakra) and the energy wants to move around. What do you guys think of this? Are there any energy workers on the forum?

I wonder how this happened. Through my meditations? It started as slight involuntary rocking back and forth and then side to side. Then it turned into this enormous shift in energy that yanks me around. I have an allowing meditation that I do but out of fear it'll get worse I have been not doing it as much. Will an allowing practice ground me?

@Carl-Richard great advice, seriously. So simple and true. @JayySur Yes! I relate to this immensely. But where does this tie in again? By not overwhelming myself by trying to learn all of it? Also, yes, I am open to the idea that there is no contradiction I can kind of see that there isn't one already when I think about demons just being negative thought-forms. @Johnny Galt Thank you! All resources to connect these two realms are welcomed. What is theosophy? @VeganAwake Yes, I experience this with music. Everything points to the Truth once you know what the Truth is. @SriSriJustinBieber What do you mean by this? @ZzzleepingBear Thank you, those questions help. I have the tendency to want to understand everything so I totally bypass questions like these which I think are super important to ask prior to understanding. @mememe Do you mean to become familiar with where the New Age ideas come from, in history? @tsuki I want to but it seems like risky business if I don't know what I am doing. Am I going to become possessed by ignorantly experimenting with it? idk!

@RickyFitts Awe man thank you!! I'll check out the video now. Also, you nailed it with this: this is exactly me right now; so much energy pent up in my body and a ton of time spent in my head. Now the jolts that are pushing my body around (like somatic Tourettes ) are nauseating. I literally need this grounding exercise you posted. Tysm.

I went to a conference and was talking to someone who frequently 'astral projects'. What does this even mean and what is the experience like?

@Goldzilla ohh okay. hm. intersting! thank you.

@Goldzilla Once I heard a voice inside of my head that wasn't my own voice (i.e.the voice that is usually going through my head). It was actually a man's voice I heard very clearly. What is this all about? It really made me empathize with schizophrenia who hear all different kinds of voices in their mind. Are these demons?

Yeah, that's great advice. I feel some spiritual workers are misinformed..

@RickyFitts Definitely easier said than done! But it helps to combine these two feelings into one

Week Four - Recovering a Sense of Integrity - As we clear our perceptions we lose our misconceptions. - As we eliminate ambiguity we lose illusion. - Clarity elicits change. - Morning pages make us aware of what we want and create the willingness to get it. - Morning pages point the way to reality, "This is how you are really feeling." - As we lose vagueness we come to the present moment. Art lies in the moment of encounter with the present– we meet Truth and we meet our self, we meet our self and we meet our self-expression. - We become original because we become specific– an origin from which work flows. - The moment you become terra incognita, you know the recovery process is working. - You know the recovery process is working when: 1. springcleaning feeling 2. change in energy 3. you will remember nightitme dreams and daydreams will catch your attention instead of going unnoticed. 4. your life that previously seemed to fit will stop fitting. FE, your music taste, sense of color, tastes, judgment, and personal identity will show through. boundaries will appear and define us. 5. you will feel unstuck, but you will not know where you are going. 6. you will have a sense of bafflement and faith

Josh, I know how scary it is to enter the world all by yourself. I know that you are terrified of being alone and stranded in a city you don't know. Don't worry, you will get a car. Everything will be okay. You are always safe. This might trigger you because you don't believe me but want to. Notice how rage feels in your body. But who is feeling this sensation? You are because the sensation is happening to You! Nothing else can touch you. Feelings are the only thing you can feel. And you can control what you feel by controlling what you think, by reassessing your values, by realizing where you are, and what you are. I love you so much. It pains me to see you in so much misery when I know you don't have to be. When I know it's all an illusion. But you are 18 now. You are out of prison. Childhood is a prison we are all born into so one day we'll know what it's like to be free. It's okay to hate your life in prison, I know you do. I know you think everyone hates you and you hate everyone and want to getaway. You can and you should. But we love you. And one day it will all make sense. You will see how everything you have always seen was only yourself. You will see how you were meant to experience everything terrible so you can one day feel wonderful. And feel it because of You. Because in childhood, you are at the mercy of people above you; but now, you are only at the mercy of you. I hope that makes you feel really good. I hope that being trapped all of these years makes you understand what being empowered means. You can create your entire life. I look forward to watching you unfold. Happy birthday.

Anticipation 1. Excitement (Positive) 2. Anxiety (Negative) I read today that anticipation can be felt as anxiety or excitement. Maybe this is why I have been confusing the two emotions. Maybe I should regard both emotions as 'anticipation' and become aware of when I am experiencing it. Because although excitement is seen as 'good', to me it is overwhelming. Regardless, both forms of anticipation keep me in my mind and away from the present moment. I can shift this by noticing how anticipation feels in my body.

Orange County, California, US. I’m surprised there aren’t many people from Southern California on here..

I experience other people’s pain as localized anxiety in my back. It’s feels like all of the sensations of anxiety, but all harnessed in one little spot in my back (potentially my spine). It’s a very sensitive area for me so whenever I experience someone’s pain I can’t help but push it away. But I think feeling other people’s pain can manifest in multiple ways. This is just how it registers in me physically. But emotionally, mentally, or psychologically speaking, it’s different of course.

I heard walking at night under the moon helps. Anything that connects you with nature really. Our cycle attunes us to the Earth. Being attuned to nature’s cycles is what harnesses our deep intuition, omniscience, and life force potential. Menstruation used to be celebrated with rituals in ancient years because of how much this attunement brought to the community. It has been said to be normal to feel a different “season” every week with your period. In this way, women go through the four seasons every month. Depending on whether it’s ovulation week, bleeding week, or the week after bleeding (might feel like spring time) you’ll feel differently. I have the same experience as you described in the beginning of your post. Consider this ‘winter’ season. You can hear more about this here.

Some say that if you feel like you need alone time, it’s because you are not authentic when you’re around people. Because if you were your authentic self all of the time, you wouldn’t “need to be alone.” The example that was given was with animals: you don’t feel like you need alone time from your house dog or cat, so why with people? I don’t know if I 100% agree with this perspective— although I understand it. That’s why I said “might” when saying, “that might make me inauthentic…”

Realize that you’ve been with yourself your entire life. Realize that you have never left yourself. Realize how the only time you’ve left yourself is when something scared you... and you tried to hide from it. Realize how you could never really leave yourself. Realize how the only way to leave yourself, is to forget yourself. Realize that you have always known yourself. Realize that there’s no one you can know more intimately than yourself. Realize that you know everything about yourself but nothing about yourself. Realize that you could never fully know yourself. Realize that you could never fully know yourself because you haven't happened yet. Realize that you could never fully happen because you are always already happening. Realize that this will never stop. Realize that you could never fully know yourself because of how complex and omniscient your being is. Realize that when you feel yourself, you don't really know what you're feeling. Realize that when you feel yourself, you don't really know where you are feeling. Realize that the feeling of yourself has never changed and has been the same throughout your entire life. Realize that because it has never changed, it is able to witness change. Realize that your being is ever-present– beyond time. Realize that you can be whatever you want to be if you convince yourself. Realize that you have an infinite amount of possibilities to choose from when structuring yourself. Realize that you can start from wherever when you’re starting from scratch. Realize that if you’re stuck in a pattern– a systematic feedback loop– your infinite possibilities to choose from becomes limited. Realize that your family, friends, belief system, and entire socialization really, highlights options for you to pick from out of this infinite pool of possibilities. Realize that those highlighted options are distracting against the rest of the infinite possibilities that you could become. Realize that your choices are limited to your imagination. Realize that your imagination is limited to your mind. Realize that your mind is programmed for you [in childhood], not by you. Realize that you can’t have ideas outside of your ideas unless you imagine them. Realize that to live out your experience genuinely and totally you have to be one with that experience entirely and totally, nothing else. Realize how that means you will forget the rest of your choices from the infinite pool of possibilities. Realize how much you don't know about what you know. Realize how much is automatic. Realize how the mind is automatic and coming from your past mind.

Routines Yesterday, I had a sudden realization on routines– something I have been struggling to create and maintain for a few years. Also something I feel like I internally battle with; is it good? Bad? Mundane? All of my parts feel differently about it. How do my different parts feel about setting routines? 11: Routines are rigid. How is anything magical or beautiful going to happen if you are stuck to such a rigid, boring, predictable, and controlling routine? 22: Crow: You can't grow, transform, or develop in any way if you can't stick to anything Gianna. Eva [Inner Child]: That's not really true because Gianna's had a lot of growth without routines... Whatever makes her happy Cleopatra: Routines are good sometimes, other times, it's time to get wild. Never stick to anything for long!!! What kind of life would that be anyway? So boring. You need spontaneity. The world is chaotic so be one with it. You need to be able to shift everything on a dime in order to stay in the flow. What was my sudden realization? My realization yesterday happened when I was walking down the beach. I was watching some surfers in Dana Point around 7-8 PM. I thought, "How cool would it be to surf the waves during the beautiful sunset? How peaceful is it to float in the ocean in the evening? How exhilarating is it to swim in the ocean at night?" It would probably be really scary which is most likely why I don't do it. But I was thinking about how these surfers are out there every day. I am sure most of them have a routine where they go out and surf at sunset every night– why not? They love it. And most are kids so after school and dinner, what else is there to worry about but surfing? It got me to think about my ongoing problem of not being able to stick to any daily routine. For years of my life, I've tried settling into a routine either by going to a certain place every day [starbucks to work; the park to do yoga; etc.] or doing the same behavior at the same times every day [morning routine; journal routine; etc. I set good habits– like meditating, exercising, etc. But why can't anything with me be ongoing? I accomplish goals– like 28 days of affirmations; maintaining a certain weight. But why can't I engage in a daily routine? Anyway, back to the realization. I realized as I was watching the surfers that sticking to a routine sets a point of attraction. I was looking at the kid surfers thinking about how blessed they are to grow up in such a beautiful area. I thought, "It is probably so normal to them they don't even realize it. They are probably so used to it, that's it's average to them." And that's when I thought, hm. Because this environment is so typical for them, they will probably attract more of this kind of environment. How lucky! And that's why my mind connected routine-building and the law of attraction. Will my behavior change? All parts were on par with this. We'll see!

I decided I am going to keep a journal of each of the "personalities" within me. I am doing this to keep track of the needs, desires, fears, and level of consciousness of each so I can release them. I will release each cluster of thought patterns until I eradicate myself back to nothingness. Leaving myself everything. 11: This dominating part of me doesn't want to be responsible for anything. The part of me just wants to go from experience to experience, worry-free and unattached. This part wants to be completely detached from everything and everyone. The only thing this part wants anything to do with is nothing. Nothing but whatever comes up and then leaves. No attachments. Not to anything, not to anyone. Not even to itself. This part just wants constant change, growth, realization, and then new ones. This part doesn't even want to be a part. It just wants to live. 22: This part has seen past the nonsense, the chaos. This part recognizes patterns and wants to 'level up' out of these patterns so as to create positive change. This part of me agrees with 11 in wanting new and better experiences. But how can you level up your experience if you are mindlessly engaging in the same behavioral patterns/loops/cycles? 22 wants creation. Crow: This part represents change and transformation. So, like 11, this part wants change and doesn't want to be committed to anything. Except, it does want to be committed to itself. That is what makes this part different from 11. 11's non-attachment goes so deep it doesn't even want to be attached to itself. But Crow wants to track progress. And in order to track anything, it needs to develop a solid and separate sense of self. Crow wants individuality. Because of this, it cares about where it perceives itself in life and outside of life. It considers all angles. Cleopatra: This part is dangerous. It's a dominating aspect that does not consider what's outside of her desires– probably because she doesn't recognize it. This part scares the other parts because it is untamed, ruthless, thoughtless, and action-based. She comes off as a dictator but doesn't mean to be that way even though she is. She is not evil she is unconscious. If you get close to this part, she will sexually blind you, distort your reality, and fulfill your needs unless they interfere with her own. She will do this naturally as she sexually blinds and distorts herself, fulfilling all of her own needs. She's addicted to the sense of oneness but is trapped in her separation. She's controlling. Eva: This part is Cleopatra's opposite. She doesn't want to control she wants to be controlled. The idea of being controlled releases stress for Eva. She actually interprets it as love. It's sick and fucked up and she causes a lot of tension for 11 and Crow who despise controlling environments. Things being handled and done for Eva is something she dreams about. She has a deep-seated belief that she has to do everything herself in life. Unlike the other parts, she does not get off on this belief. She gets off on the idea of someone completely taking over and controlling her. Completely surrendering to life and letting go of everything including herself. She doesn't care what happens to her, she fancies it. She doesn't believe anything comes easily in life. She doesn't believe in other people. She is suffering; she is in a constant state of pain. She's a child. She deserves her needs to be met but cannot meet them on her own.

I love this quote. And I am not sure how to reconcile them either– per the thread! Lol! But Teal Swan helps with integrating parts through parts work. It may be cool for you to check out on youtube!

How you treat the things you own is a reflection of how you treat yourself.

@RickyFitts So cool you checked it out! And yes! Agreed. The holistic approach to healing is cultivating so much understanding for me.

@RickyFitts Of course

What is your thinking? If your thinking is that your destiny is to have free will and no matter your choices, you will be endlessly fulfilling your destiny, then I think you are correct