I would like to go over deep epistemic topics about reality.
I feel that the average person is not only a bad source of advice but a potential danger for you, when it comes to your hopes and dreams and especially if you seek answers about the reality you occupy.  Anything that anyone has ever done in any field of life, can be done differently in any aspect of the sequence of actions and therefore no two individuals can do the same thing even if they wanted to. What I want to say is, we are so conditioned to do like everyone else does and to live like everyone else does. Life doesn't reward you for this. It rewards you for your authenticity, but you have to get to that point to experience it. Anything you do, you are bound to form your own approach, voice. So many ideas you have about what can be done in the world, have never been performed by anyone. It is up to you to play with them in this eternal vastness. Life can be so extraordinary while being very ordinary.
The average man is potentially dangerous, parasitic, hostile.
To sum it up very shortly, the answer is violence. People either actively try to physiologically or physically harm you or they carry loneliness, powerlessness, irresponsibility, boredom, fear, anger, anxiety, guilt and project it to you and try to use you as an asset in their life. With a mutual benefit to the extent, this is ok. But you have to see it for what it is. Saying no can save your life.
The more epistemic you will go, the subtler, higher things you will discover about reality. The more dangerous you are for them and they are for you. Care must be taken to ensure these people don't know what you actually stand for unless you are rallying for something that is vital for your life to defend it.  Examples of those things are solipsism, enlightenment work, shadow work, manifesting, healing the body etc. but overall with your behaviour and energy you will trigger their blind-spots, by not reinforcing their beliefs about life, which they will feel. These blind-spots are that life is suffering, you are born to work, born to reproduce, that you are only the body etc.
The average man, mindset and the violence he creates to himself and others is what I call mediocrity. With all my heart I want to state that I do not want to be mediocre. That is life lived in apathy. Why to even take birth to live so irresponsibly to not strive at least for peace and non-violence.
One of the biggest mediums for falling sick with mediocrity is conversation. One conversation can make you forget your motivations for why you ate living the way you do/want, if it's not something you regularly plan, review, visualize. This is probably why some of the most asocial people reached such levels of genius, at least in my opinion.
Let's move on to my life. I have nothing, yet I have something. I want to work. Hard. Harder and harder. I want to be artistic. Very refined and integrated artist. Very competent at what i do. I want to do art almost religiously. I feel like my purpose of life enrich people with art.
To the very point I started to play an instrument, I constantly crushed my expectations as to what I can do. The air now smells funny. I am tracing that there might be some ways to either do what I do full time or work very close to music industry. In the long term, probably abroad. I will definitely give it a BIG and consistent shot. If it does not happen, fine. I can still make music. And I like to. It also relaxes me.
Secondly, I am looking for a paradigm shift, those also have happened consistently. I am very interested into what part of me is responsible for the suffering in my life, I want to explore this. I also would like to explore source of motivation, desire (with action supporting it and without action also), manifestation, psychic powers, enlightenment, leaving the body at will, being free from one pattern like (fear of death, social shackles, boredom, loneliness, violence etc) multiple or them all. I want to see how non-real reality really is. It feels more true than the idea that reality is real. Also I want to know how much you can heal the body from chronic diseases from practicing various healing techniques.
I would like to do this while being productive in society. But I physically can't have it all. I don't need. But I really want to be artistic. I have this intense hunger for it.
About musicianship, pointless to describe. I have a lot a lot to say, but let me say it musically. I have something going on for me, but there is a long way to go. That being said I really would like to pick one epistemic dimension of life and go into it, imo that is the best way to stay out of mediocrity.
 

I can only tell you ‘being at or getting to a point’, ‘advanced’, ‘all distinctions dissolved’, and ‘states’ are thoughts, concepts, and are not found in direct experience. You have to check (if interested). Take about a minute or so. Just look around so to speak, check in feeling & perception. Narrow it down to thought(s). Then reconsider or maybe google what conjecture is. I believe you’ll be liberated of that attachment in five minutes. 
? That is the thought story though. Check feeling & perception for that one too.  It is the same as the self referential thought story of the advanced one in states. 
Problem and no problems can’t be in or out of any states because states is parallel, or equally, a thought. 
Understandable. I’d look for what to let go of, based on how it feels, versus getting anything. More of a barfing up of nonsense (as in discordant beliefs) than anything in need of being reached, attained, or digested so to speak. 

@Loba
Appreciated but, in this direct experience there’s no such thing found as ‘advanced spirituality’. Ime spirituality is the inspection of direct experience to see for oneself what is true, and is not believing what is heard in lieu of (advanced spirituality is what’s heard of I presume). 
‘Advanced’, applicable to spirituality, would be a comparative thought based on separation, or at the lightest a conceptualization of a distinction (a belief) and a justification via identification, or claiming there is an ‘advanced’ (and I am advanced), when in truth something simply isn’t resonating, and the justification is actually the ‘moving farther’. The concept arises and is believed, while the truth never moves at all, never goes anywhere, never separates, never advances. 
Analogously, and also very literally, this would be like saying meditation gets you farther along, while in truth it’s not a doing at all, nor even a moving, nor about anyone in particular.  
Likewise, the thought activity which seems to become ‘the ego coming back’ is one’s concept, and now conjecture, and is never directly experienced, and never was in the first place. 
If there is a problem inspection of direct experience in that regard is the best, and most natural and abundant medicine. It is well being and healing in & of itself. Certainly nothing to avert from or conceptualize. 
https://www.actualityofbeing.com/the-ten-ox-herding-pictures

@Khr Focus on your breath, its hard because it’s easy to forget. 
Meditate at least 20 mins a day.
Listening to soothing meditation music helps me staying in the present.
A few nootropics do help as well, lions mane capsules, L-Theanine, Ashwagandha capsules and many more.
A clean diet helps a lot, low sugar no caffeine. And drinking a lot of water. 
And exercising keeps mind calm. 
 

Hi Marcel, 
First of all thank you for sharing with us and being open and honest. 
I would start by demanding that you please see a professional therapist and seek some immediate health support. Depending on which country you are there are suicide prevention hotlines with 24/7 availability. there are people out there who can help you !!
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines - if you are out of US
There is no shame in getting guidance from a professional and if necessary getting some medication to help you achieve a sense of calmness and peace while you can work on the underlying problem. 
SUMMARY FOR MENTAL FIRST AID 
If things get to their worst, ring a local suicide prevention line or call an ambulance  If your mood is manageable make an appointment with your local medical centre and get a designated mental health counsellor with whom you will have regular sessions. If they are not available, get a private mental health counsellor.   
 
OTHER THAN THAT 
Maybe there are things in your life you have been ignoring? Soul-draining job? Toxic environment? CHildhood shadow following you wherever you go? Unfulfilled passion and dreams? Underlying health problems? ... For all of these things there are nische specialists who could help. It would be interesting to explore these areas with a life coach - life coaches can be hired across the world. 
But please start by seeking out urgent medical help during your worst times. 
 
 
Cling to this and elaborate on it. How could you deepen the love for yourself to the point that the love will become many times powerful than the suicidal tendency. You have so much to live for my friend. What you feel is a temporary state and it can be reversed and healed. We have spiritual coaches on this forum, there are. 
 
 
Beautiful! Revisit this wow every single day. Make it become your mantra. " I am heading towards a place of love and wellbeing". Stick a photo of something that inspires passion in you on random places around the house. 
 
 
SMALL STEPS TO GET YOU STARTED EACH DAY 
Make your bed in the morning - first achievement of the day Take a warm shower  Have breakfast (nice oatmeal will do) and a light coffee might help  Spend a minute repeating your sacred vow to your guardian spirit  Put uplifting music on your headphones and go for a 15 minute walk. I like this one Make a list of 2 things that went well that day at the end of each day  Good luck & all the best !

That's the point, there is so such clear line.
If you think of Jesus hard and long enough you will start seeing Jesus in your dreams, on your morning toast, and in your mystical visions, just like how a mathematician will see numbers wherever he looks.
Both a fools because they don't realize it's all self-biased imagination since they are God dreaming up the world to suit themselves.

The problem isn't Conservatism per se, but a particularly pathological form of Conservatism that's eroding American democracy.
If the contemporary Republican Party were just a Conservative political party that still respected Democratic Norms and Institutions it wouldn't be an issue.
Under Trump it's morphed into an Authoritarian Cult of Personality that's flirting with elements of fascism. 
And even before Trump, the type of Conservatism that the Republican Party has bought on to since the time of Reagan (neo-Conservatism/Supply Side Economics) is not sustainable (socially, economically, or ecologically).
You can't promise people The American Dream (ie a middle class lifestyle) while systematically destroying support structures which ordinary people rely on to live a halfway decent life, because it leads to alienation and social disintegration as the gap between what's Promised and lived reality grows wider and wider. The only way to maintain that sort of system in the long run is Authoritarianism.

"If I am, death is not. If death is, I am not. Why fear that which can not be while I am?" -Epicurus