at_anchor

am, in the past i was always self conscious and critical of my apperance. I was kind of fatter as a kid and i wanted to get ripped thinking that that would get me girls and boys. I got a bit ripped, but it didn't help. I didn't go out where there are many of them and I would have probably felt afraid to approach. Now I kind of feel like I'm not youthful looking enough and even if I could get ripped (which I can't due to my new aweful life circumstances and people who destroyed my health with poison, who stopped me from getting ripped) I'd still never be good looking enough to make someone want me, nor will i be healthy and successful enough because I don't have the money and opportunities to develop and become successful in something. So yeah, anyway, thanks for not abandoning me. Thanks for not letting me live in hell.

@Princess Arabia Do I have to find something new to be grateful for every day or can I just repeat the same old if there is nothing else?

Last vacation I had was good. Sun in the sky makes me feel better. Breathing air is nice. I slept last night like always before I got totally poisoned, but I did so on lexilium. I can move my body.

Lmao, not really, but I literally burst into laughter when I read it. I'm smiling a bit now too. It's impossible.: ) But I'll start a 30 day challenge in the journal section so if you want to join me.

And I can't go out to enjoy the sun

Thank you for the sun in the sky. I like the sun pretty much, but it is cold.

@Princess Arabia this will be hard. I already feel the irritating feeling to saying anything positive you mentioned and instead lashing out at the Universe like "Thank you Universe for wasting my time. Thabk you Universe for depleating me of energy. Thank you Universe for all the traumas and suffering and losses. Thank you Universe for making me incapable of independence, health, happiness and travel. Thank you Universe for capturing me in a horrifying situation in a horrifying place. Thank you Universe for threatening me with the worst possible conditions or punishment worse than being hanged or even imprisoned for life under normal conditions, which is still fucking bad, but yeah. All I want Universe is for you to get me out of the horrifying situation you placed me into in the first place, whether through death or a lot of luck in life cause I need it. But you can't even give me that. You get so close, but there is always something stopping me, either internally or externally. This time it was internally I guess." But let's try... Thank you Universe for, for, for the last vacation I had in my life. It was so good, I wish I could do it again, now. That's it, I have notging else to thank it for.

I agree

My nightmares are usually about real people in my life and events. Kind of like visions of the future, but I wouldn't say that because yeah. I don't remember it all.

Not enough storage to run Viber! I didn't do anything and deleted basically everything and more, all of a sudden there is not enough storage. My technology is obviously not gonna support my needs and videos.

What if evil people corner you and then destroy you completely? What if you are pushed into a situation where you have to fight back and sacrifice your life in order to try to defeat even a single trully evil person. I know you're gonna say there is no evil and everything is good, it just depends on the perspective, but if I was to go into details of what each of them actually does intentionally and with awareness and ability to decide, you would be sick to your stomach and feel the same way I do. And if you got cornered, then what would you do feeling utter disgust and contempt at the person, angry that many other good people can't see it? You start asking yourself wtf, how did you trust, no wonder your life is wrecked when you trusted such a person in the past and didn't see, like many don't see now, didn't see it is utter evil.

@HMD Honestly, I don't want to play games. Especially not chess. I'm terrible at it. I can't read that book either. I listened to it a bit in the past. When you start losing chess, you make more and more mistakes and it feels kind of bad. I'm not for these games of strategy and stuff. I don't want to read that book and think I got it all figured out when I don't. It is kind of game over for me. I'm very sorry for spreading negativity! It was not my intention to tell you how evil they are, just to say that I want euthanasia. Yeah, malevolence is worse than evil. Thank you for making me understand a bit better, albeit it won't get me out of their malevolent hands. I don't know if I'm doing the best I could, but I'm doing what I'm doing, kind of unconsciously, disorderly in a sense, slacking, with difficulty and fear. That's how you lose. They hurt my position, yeah, i should be in bed bu I'm gonna eat now.

Then I would probably not be here, or I would be kicked out of here.

@Princess Arabia Do you want me to stop posting in this place and go there?

I would feel comfortable posting in the journal section.

Healthy parenting = Happy childhood Don't assume your parent wants what's best for you. And if your mom does, don't assume she knows whats best for you. Watch out for your security and strive for independence from family by the means of getting a good education on time at all costs and finding a good job you can hold longer than a year.

Not old. Today I am so tired. Last night I had a nightmare about screaming on an evil psychiatrist over the phone and saying all the worst I think about him. Night before I had more nightmares because I was asleep more. Last night I got night sweats because I guess it was hot despite having the window open. Ah the window. I always slept with an open window in the past. Wide open. I had false assumptions that no one is crazy and evil enough to climb up and get into my bedroom while I'm asleep. Today I doubt they didn't take that opportunity. Life was so much more easy before getting sick from something. I can walk for now. I can be somewhat me without a work ethic. I am not forced or threatened to take anything atm. I'm sad I got threatened and manipulated in the past to not complain about an injury inflicted on me. I'm sad that I thought authority is not as dangerous as it is. Snakes, ah, those creatures I used to be so afraid of, now I wish I had one with me, its bite would take me out of here within an hour. Their beauty finally appreciated. I'd welcome even a deadly spider. Got framed for good.

It's selfishly stupid to complain about my health problems in this thread and I know you can't help me in any way, but here it goes... The heart pounds harder and faster than before. I can have shortness of breath or just faster breathing. Digestive system doesn't work like it used to, I literally hope it does its work but it doesn't do it at all or it doesn't do it well. Intermittent sleep pattern, probably due to the environmental factors but something could be damaged inside as well. And because you clicked here I want to make it at least a bit worth your time, so here is a video I saw and found interesting on YouTube: And finally, I think really bad years are coming my way so the false notions I had in the past that I'll find love one day are breaking apart. I begged for euthanasia because I'm scared of psychopaths and what they're gonna do to me, because I don't know how to get myself to safety from them.

I don't know the specifics of how I want my life to proceed. I can't find the inner vision that is hidden because I'm blindfolded by society, family, my own fear and resentments. I can't find this vision by looking outside myself at what other people do or by following their directions. Some people do have a lot of power over me and the power they wield ober me could be final. But I'd like to work in this world, to position myself in a safe spot. However that's impossible since I'm not German and can't go looking for work there thank's to people who wield power over me. So I'm considering becoming a YouTuber even if the content I create won't pay my bills, I still want to work and make something good, to help certain people I love, to create videos that are good. I'm afraid I can't make good videos. I also don't know what my niche should be. Maybe a combo of teaching a language and basic personal development advice from some top 10 books I find here, then maybe one day i finally get to make videos with psychedelics, but who am I kodding here? That's never going to happen. So I just wanted to post this, although at this point I don't think any more advice can be given because I find myself in an inescapable and dire situation in life.

Excuse me, what did I say wrong? If I did, sorry, I better shut it then. Not a good time to be talking I guess.

@DefinitelyNotARobot enough for today, i took notes, translated and made a video in the worst time possible and published it on insta. If i started in the past on YouTube it would have worked. Publishing on YouTube makes me feel ashamed for being so unwell I can't just memorize everything and say it.

@Schizophonia I dare you find one person cuter than that. I bet a $100 bucks you can't Okay, it's subjective : ) I still can't believe straight guys don't go nuts when they see a picture of the guy I posted.

I'm poisoned I lack equipment I am living with monsters who want to hurt me and destroy me so I'm insecure I haven't meditated in a very long time and I can't do it anywhere around here I lack a comfortable, clean, well set, warm room with all the equipment I'm untalented Soon someone else will do this to make me feel inferior or something and then I'll give up on it forever.

"I need your protection." Yeah, that is exactly why I want to live in Western Europe. I need protection. I'm scared of dying yet suicidal at the same time. It's strange. Suicide is a way to get to safety. There are worse things in life than dying in an instant. But I'm incapable of spilling my own blood. I also abhor the thought of ever doing harm to others. Even out of mercy. But to protect the common good and myself, I think that if I had sufficient enough reason to believe that there are sadistic monsters in power abusing it, that I'd act against them. I surely hope I never lose my mind, for I heard criminals get created in bad social environments and upbringing has an impact on a person as well. Maybe this is true, maybe not. I believe it is true.

Just driving in a car makes me sick and my head hurt. I quickly lose enrgy and am not able to hold a job anymore because of that. The worst part of all is that I can't learn anymore. I'm seriously imlaired and it just keeps getting worse. Sleep is impossible. First time in life I can't control temper in a way that isn't intentional. I went through a lot. I got poisoned. Maybe I am getting even more poisoned. My biggest desire is to seek help in a foreign country, I want good people to prove that I'm poisoned. But that's not possible anymore. I have to accept a horror movie, my life is gonna be one long horror movie. I don't want to say people poisoned me and point fingers anymore. I don't know why would I, I just saw that this really exists, powerful people can be super bad. All I want is to get to safety away from them. They won't let me go. I'm gonna stay in this country for the rest of my life as a poor, humiliated, poisoned and destroyed victim of people schools don't teach you they exist, while some like positive thinking circles even blame you for thinking they do. Not all people are the same, yet they all look the same. I wish there was a way for everyone to see who is who, what they did, thought and so forth. It's not a problem. I will have to accept that I lost it all. People didn't want me to succeed in life, I don't know why. They hated me, they wanted to abuse me and make a fool out of me, they wanted to prevent me from learning, earning and so forth.