at_anchor

The problem is that I am trusted. Something bad is swimming around me and no one has the guts to jump in and die with me. Honestly, I would jump in the sea to save my child. I would say to the rest of my family that it is my duty to die with my child if that has to be like that and I'd jump. But who the fuck would jump in to try to save me?

I thought being metaphorical is not bad. Can we just stop talking about this. I hope to be free from this body soon and them and that's that.

I meant to say from his retreating and being afraid it is obvious something dangerous is swimming around me.

I have soneone wise and able to help me who probably would. From his backing up I see that it's hardly possible to be released, unchaine, unshackled.

Correct, but it's not just this person, there is a whole criminal organization of corrupt psychopathic monsters that want to harm me. They cooperate. I wish I didn't exist.

I can't just PM everyone and it is better this way. Suicide prevention? You don't know what harm you are doing to a person leaving the person in the wrong hands.

Ppl that destroyed my life got away with basically killing me, cause it is worse than being killed, yet being killed is terrible as well.

Obviously no one needs me here. No one wants to check on me either

I wonder when will I cease existing in this form. Maybe this week. Hopefully this week.

Why does it matter whether you say it here or in the Politics or Spirituality section? Well, I want to leave that, I don't want to bother you there.

I hope I won't bother anyone here. I want everyone to say something. Whatever you want. You can say "Hey, you are stupid, go read something and get smart." Say whatever you want.

ChatGPT constantly tells me to seek legal help for everything, especially for my case, to protect my rights and ensure a fair, yeah. But I can't. I don't really know what to do. I wish I could talk to someone. I don't know enough. I literally know only a drop, but I don't know the whole of the Ocean. 11.04.2023.

What is there to say? I can't write my life in here openly, without fear. Didn't take meds today. They increase my apetite and make me crazier. Travel makes me happy and TV series like D A R K. Those Germans make better movies than Americans. Maybe. Depends. I like this show. Food and water is always a problem. Basic survival becoming more and more of an issue. 10.31.2023.

Instead of being grateful I will list 3 things that I like that are happening in my experience. After that I'll list 3 more things I WOULD like to see in my experience. Then I will act as though I am experiencing the things I would like to experience. 3 things that I like that are happening in my experience: I feel good for knowing that there are many good people living very well in the West and even here. I like that. I like how my pet grew up into a calm and happy being. It's fascinating. I like the sound the birds are making. 3 things that I would like to see in my experience: My car taking me to Western Europe. A really comfortable and secured apartment where I can study. Money to get food, exercise and chemical substances I need to improve my brain performance. Acting as though I am experiencing the things I would like to experience: I'm driving Hyundai with tinted windows on a rout that's taking me across Western Europe countries all the way to my final destination in Netherlands. I rented a really comfortable and secured apartment in Netherlands for the next 10 years and I started studying 10 hours a day with little breaks. Half a million euros is sitting in my Dutch bank account. I take what I need for food, chemical brain detoxing and performance enhancing substances as well as for psychedelics.

@Princess Arabia I just want to correct the part about my blood dropping. I feel bad when I see blood. I'm grateful for walking a bit.

Today I'm grateful for: Rain falling Mist forming Wind blowing My blood dropping Going somewhere in a cool vehicle

I give you a sign of gratitude with my two handa clapped together and bowing down the way rhey do in Buddhism. I see you flowering as the sun shines its light on your being too.

I totally agree. My thoughts about the situation are okay. I didn't get rejected, but I kind of felt a bit ashamed in front of all those people for saying what I said and receiving a harsh word in anger back from a person that was to have compassion for. I also felt good for doing the right thing, hopefully it has a big positive impact on that persons future. Okay, I'm thankful for, I'm thankful for, I'm thankful for, I'm thankful for still having people over here that care about my well being and are trying to help me when they see an opportunity to do so and forgive my constant trespasses. Although, guys, you could just come, adapt me and take me away, lol Ah yeah, eliminate "could", "should", "if". Well, you can just send me medical aid that tests my blood and stuff to see if I got poisoned or if it's just trauma or something like that coming from my personal history. I'm joking : )

Today I'm grateful for: A cheap, yet nutritious and healthy meal I had after giving blood. I wish they took it all. That a family member I love is still here. That I mustered the courage to utter something helpful to someone I would never dare say something to, even though I got rejected and humiliated. Hopefully not in vain. The TV show "Dark" has made me question time and I'm grateful to forum members who are helping me figure out if past, present and future exist and happen simultaneously. That I'm not yet in a prison environment where they chemically torture me and gaslight me. But this could add up and end being even worse.

Do you know from experience or something if it is the case that we are experiencing our past, present and future simultaneously? Furthermore, could there be more than one version of one life lived as a whole? This second question is less relevant, but still, are there multiple ways things could have played out existing in time simultaneously and being experienced by me all at once. Of course, I'm just talking about my body and life. I lost the sense there is the same me in other bodies as well. Their knowledge, desires and behaviors don't align, so I naturally think they can't be me.

I wasn't able to stand up and protect some beautiful boy who was being abused in front of my eyes. I'm not going into details because I don't want his identity revealed to my enemies. But basically I saw two old bastards, cruel assholes rob him, then emotionally disturb him and humiliate him and make him, yeah. Anyway, at least I tried giving him advice to learn German and get out of here when he was walking past me and trying to threaten others, emotionally disturbed, yelling. He told me to fuck off in the moment, but I hope I had an impact on him. It's horrifying to me that people like these and like.... get everything in this country, they fuck everyone and then make them go insane like that devil from Carnivale, make them end up behind bars, drugged for the rest of their lives. 11.02.2023.

@LastThursday There is nothing like traveling back in time. Yeah, traveling the world is great, but staying in one area where you travel inthe past and to the future a lot would be even better. If you are not in my direct experience are you in a negative space or positive space if we both live in the same moment? So do I in negative space of the past exist simultaneously, live and breathe the same way that you exist simultaneously, live and breathe now at the same moment, just we're not in direct experience of each other? Is it like that?

So that means that I am still experiencing what I experienced yesterday and will be doing that for eternity... That's amazing! Why is reality like that? It means that future is predetermined and that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it. It means the Universe "painted" malevolence, injustice and all that bad stuff in time just because it wanted everything to exist in time. Time is infinity then. There is nothing but time. Everything that exist is held in time. Time can't stop existing. But how, where, it's like how can dinosaurs be walking the Earth simultaneously as I am and not be seen. It's a mistery. All that happening at the same time. Wow.

My present moment today feels different and is experienced differently than my present moment of yesterday. Does time still hold me of yesterday or is that swollowed by darkness, where did it disappeared? Do I still exist and experience yesterday? Could I travel back in time to see myself yesterday? I don't understand. Negative space. So if they exist in my direct experience they become real. But what if it is the same for them? What if I exist in a "negative space" for them and until I become direct experience for them I ain't "real"? Thank you for contributing to helping me figure this out.

I slept, yet today I was so tired and unstable. Maybe Lexilium is worse than Xanax. I don't know. I tried watching the third season of the German TV show, but I couldn't do more than 2 or 3 today. I really had it bad when it comes to my father and other authority figures in my life. It probably can't get worse than them. You have no idea. They make me feel so bad on purpose. To live under this authority my whooe life, to be robbed of my power by them and enslaved by them more and more in life, it feels utterly disgusting and terrifying. 11.01.2023.