mandyjw

Because it's an interesting perspective, I guess. That's my perspective. You is a perspective, and your perspective is actually completely fluid. You are the entirety of experience, not just a part of it.

Male makeup guru youtubers are insanely popular right now. Makeup is an art form, anything can be an artform or an area of mastery and anyone can be a master of their craft, male or female.

Man, that was one of the most effectively mood raising journal entries I've ever written. This is quite a whopper. Applies to so many things, in so many ways, outside of having a religious upbringing. Applies to a lot of thoughts patterns I have now. If you revere and fear, you think certain practices are right cause someone said so, and you avoid other things that really make you feel good, (like writing public journal entries) cause you're afraid of missing out on something, or doing something wrong. The nondualdogma is the very same as the negative, destructive self talk when you're not hearing it. Like Abraham Hicks says, "words don't teach". This morning my daughter was taking a bath and started jumping over her older brother in the bathtub proclaiming, "I'm a mermaid!" again and again "You're NOT a mermaid!" He'd yell back. Every time she splashed him, she excused herself with something like "that's just my tail". The game went on after the bath, her a Princess, then a dog and him still thinking that he could possibly explain reality to someone pretending to be something that she already knew she wasn't.

I feel horrible. I've been holding a bunch of really awful feeling perspectives for a while, and sometimes thinking of oneself as someone who should and does "know better" or who should be above that makes it much worse. I feel incredibly isolated and boxed in. (Yeah, that's not actual just disconnection from Source, you should be above this, blah blah.) The location is which I live is either heaven on earth or complete fucking hell, hello mid March! (There's no time or location ,YOU should know better, bitch, blah blah blah). I tried meditating this morning. My son sat on me. He has been getting up super early (5:30) and ruining my meditation sessions every single morning. I've been trying to explain to him that I need the time, but he doesn't get it. He is autistic, and though he is very sweet, he is incredibly immature for his age. Yesterday he bothered me so bad, mid meditation I threw my cell phone as hard as I could into the laundry room and somehow it didn't break. It just bounced, and the case came off completely. (You're telling shitty stories, you should know better, bitch, blah blah blah.) Tried Wim Hof breathing today and my chest felt so bad I could even do it. So I tried to zone out and about five minutes later my daughter came in because she missed me. (You should feel loved, blah, blah, blah) I feel so boxed in, that a lot of not great thoughts of how to get out of this place and this situation are coming up. Should I book a plane ticket or buy a gun? (You just made a fucking video about that, you imposter, what the fuck ya doing? blah, blah, blah) I seriously just think this creation thing was a bad idea. I know I've had this conversation before, but I just don't think it was worth it. (What does your name mean? Worth-y of love? Blah blah, blah) What's the difference between the voice of Source and my inner critic? (Nonduality!) Well isn't THAT really fucking convenient. Convenient. Wasn't that where the other conversation went? Etymology helps you go general. Specifics suck when you're in bitch rather than Source mode. convenient (adj.) late 14c., "fit, suitable, proper; affording accommodation; opportune, favorable," from Latin convenientem (nominative conveniens), present participle of convenire "to come together, meet together, assemble; unite, join, combine; agree with, accord; be suitable or proper (to)," from assimilated form of com "with, together" (see con-) + venire "to come" (from a suffixed form of PIE root *gwa- "to go, come"). Oh right it all fits together, like a puzzle or fucking humpty dumpty, when the world was split into duality, but still it's just a fucking story and never happened. Did I create a God so I could spend a few years fearing and revering him, and then, finding all the ways I can blaspheme against it? I think so. The fear and revere was the original blaspheme.

The fairly newly popularized term "gas lighting" is one tricky BITCH of an excuse for not pulling yourself out of a state of worthless, powerless, insecurity, etc. You can get to blame, and anger, but then you're stuck there, cause you're waiting around for someone to share your shitty perspective as a condition before you feel better and let yourself have the empowerment you seek. You actually put your power, which is essentially love, and the core desire, feeling good, in their hands to hold it apart from you. The irony of being self empowered is lost in blame of someone else not understanding how they harmed you.

I've found "feminism" or more specifically, identification with gender a surprising part of the "path". I was sort of hoping to avoid this kind of stuff. I guess that's exactly why it comes up so much. I've found all attempts at empowerment and the more commonly practiced means of fighting for women's rights a massive disappointment. I'm not saying marching against the President with a pussy hat you crocheted yourself is a bad thing, but I've been drawn to other ways of dealing with this. I've seen immense examples of power in the older women in my community, despite the fact that they still have very traditional values. It occurred to me that empowerment is something that you can't really own, promote, or make into a cause. I have unexpectedly found the sort of empowerment I feel like those things are aimed at only in spirituality, especially from Abraham Hicks, who ironically goes by a man's name (yep still stuck on that). I wanted to sort of forget or deny that this is whole thing is an issue, because obviously, gender is duality, so just forget about it. That doesn't work though, if it's thought as an escape route and not also felt as a freedom. Gender makes a great excuse to continue feeling worthless, powerless and unsafe. It can hold into place insecurity of all kinds. Of course thought is what holds us feeling that way, and so the thoughts come under the topic and belief of gender. I have family history which dramatically confirms this belief that women are powerless and unsafe, but it my own experience it also dramatically confirms that it's all attraction and that thoughts create your reality. Two days ago my mom went to do something she was so scared to go to that she hardly slept and was sick over it, and unexpectedly ran into the person who is the center of the family history of living in fear. What are the chances? 0 in infinity, or in other words, absolutely certain. She taught me by example that the way to deal was to be shy, small, hide, not put yourself out there, not to create any sort of confrontation (ok I never really listened to that one), be kind to everyone. It can be really rough to take responsibility for what you attract. Cause ultimately you can't, it's just about aligning with the desire of what you really want. We don't want to live in fear, we don't want to have to trample on others to feel worthy, we don't want to have to force things through and manipulate to get what we want. We don't want to perpetuate a pattern that didn't feel good and wasn't working and sell it as the only method that works. My whole life has been almost instant attraction, karma, when I fuck up. Someone must love me very much. I think this is the place where I'm supposed to clarify what I do want. I do want to line up with the inspiration before I do anything I think I should be doing.

It's pretty amazing how when you're feeling off about something you can just type a subject and her name into youtube and almost always feel so much better and see it in a whole new way.

@somegirl One of the strangest things about looking up medical conditions online is that very often the more you read the more confusing it gets. As hard as we try to logically do the right thing and make the right decision, sometimes (ok, in my opinion most all the time) your gut feeling and intuition is more accurate and knows what is really best for you. Almost anytime anyone gives you advice they have something at stake, they want to protect themselves, promote themselves, the feel they must go along with preexisting guidelines they have to abide by, they simply want to avoid causing harm, or are going on their own biased values and limited experiences, etc. You know what's best. Try your best to line up with whatever you decide and line up and connect with yourself (not other people's opinions) to make a decision. Don't stay with him and be terrified of sex with him, and don't leave him and guilt yourself for it. Funny thing is, immunity itself is a sort of inner, lining up with what the body knows is best for it. So regardless of the decision or whether you come to a decision at all, that's what I'd do.

@Gesundheit Significant means having a meaning, and you give meaning to the word significant and decide what is and what isn't, because you think you're significant, which gives you the significance to think you're insignificant, and to decide which words and things are significant or insignificant to you. Sometimes a mind affirming thought can be mistaken for a mindfuck. The term mind-fuck points to the end of mind or the dissolution of the separate mind into Oneness. The attempt at imagining another mind doesn't go anywhere except for practical purposes (teaching a kid to brush their teeth). If you do try to teach a child you realize how important it is to be open because you realize that you can't just transfer understanding, but that effective teaching requires a huge amount of awareness and openness on the part of the teacher to be successful. Children were taught the earth was flat for generations and that was considered knowledge.

I'm sure that will help with the confusion thing.

@Gesundheit emit is just time spelled backwards. Already it

@James123 Not my quote.

How could you even recognize intelligence if you weren't already it? ?

Your actual, natural state, outside of thought is complete open awareness. You are what Knows that it knows that it knows. Notice that you can't learn anything if you think you already know it and what you think of as your intelligence is what you think you already know or what you think your capacity for knowing is. But pure awareness is the only real capacity for learning. Your mind is only known by awareness itself, it is what is aware of thoughts about it and the world and the thoughts that arise in it about how all these things relate. You seem to understand the world and how it works better than a child, but what if that world was created by adults, based on assumptions that other adults taught you when you were a child... people who thought they knew better than you? That game is rigged. Just like with an IQ test that measures one, tiny, infinitesimal slice of the capability of the human mind.

Awakening is the end of misunderstanding. Since the separate inner "you" is the misunderstanding, you only Know Yourself, there is only primordial Knowing, Awareness Itself, Knowing Itself. Thoughts and sensations, which before were believed to comprise the separate mind and body, are known by awareness, and made of the very knowing. Disclaimer: There is sometimes a huge, dramatic, climactic yet with no climax and no one to reach it, "non event" of awakening, after which never seen before insights, as well as new and old misunderstandings flood in along with unbelievable feelings and states. The mind can only contextualize and remember objects, people, places, things that were around the time this non event that it cannot remember having occurred. It often mistakes those objects, states, experiences with realization. It can mistake itself as being realized. Seeking resumes, and if one follows their heart and is earnest enough to continue discarding whatever thoughts and beliefs don't feel good and limit the Love that it is, well, who knows?

esteem (v.) mid-15c., from Old French estimer "to estimate, determine" (14c.), from Latin aestimare "to value, determine the value of, appraise," https://www.etymonline.com/word/esteem There aren't two of you, one that can honestly determine the value the other. The game is rigged, it's like playing chess with yourself, you always win and you always lose, and it's really not that much fun. The desire for good self esteem points to the desire to feel good about oneself. All you really want is to feel good no matter the subject, or regardless of the subject though. You cannot really accept or reject yourself. Are there two of you, one that can accept or reject the other? What is it that knows the answers about itself? Are you the knower, or the known, or the knowing? What is your experience of yourself right now?

@digitalmarketingbyniWelcome! You mean listening, like as in podcasts and talks on youtube or music?

Illusion is creation. So say you create a painting of a vase of flowers. It's never an actual vase of flowers, it's a painting. The actuality is creation which is separation and whole at once, or never separate. Suffering is when we forget the appreciation, beauty and "purpose" (which is actual freedom and non purpose inherent in creativity). If you were to sit down to make a collage you'd take paper in an array of different colors, use scissors to cut, separate the already separate colors into different shapes and then glue them together again to create your art. The art is unity and diversity as one. When we create consciously the pieces all fall into place.

What you really want is to know, (or more than know, feel really,) that you're ok, regardless of the conditions, is that accurate? You feel good around people, you feel good alone. Your time alone is making this more important, it's putting feeling first. You want to be unconditional about people. You want to love them unconditionally. They're there, good. They're not, good. Resistance is subtly sort of putting a condition on ourselves. Then you might think "I only feel good when I'm alone" even if that seems to be true or not. When you're alone, you aren't usually thinking and believing thoughts about what other people are thinking of you. When people are around the fear of these thoughts becomes social anxiety. What feeling good when you're alone is trying to show you, is that it's the thoughts and it's believing the thoughts, not the condition of being around people. You don't really overcome the thoughts, you stop believing them. You start paying attention more to how thoughts feel and less to which seem to grab your attention and cause you to put up your guard in a knee-jerk kind of way. This video explains really well how we can understand feeling and how we begin to use thoughts to create rather than to react, resist and believe in conditions.

It points to something even more profound than that. Look in fascia and how your body holds memories, kinda the same deal.

@Bogdan I'd definitely try a low fodmap diet until you get more figured out, and strange though it seems, the Medical Medium's celery juice in the morning seems to really help me, especially with the energy level thing.

Oh! A disguise! I thought you said "diss guys". Clear now, thanks.

@Leo Gura Oh shit. Time to buy some Nair I guess.

If you were to sit down to make a collage you'd take paper in an array of different colors, use scissors to cut, separate the already separate colors into different shapes and then glue them together again to create your art. The art is unity and diversity as one. When we create consciously the pieces all fall into place.

Whatever floats your boat, I'm kinda bored with some angry bearded dude in the sky.