mandyjw

@SilentTears Good to see you! How are things?

Yesterday I journaled some about being frustrated and feeling stuck especially having to do with my location and how I know I'm very identified with where I live. I came to the realization that anything I project on the world and society could be/is also self reflected. So I want to explore more with that. I found that one way I felt stuck here and felt inadequate and ashamed of myself was because of my driving "anxiety". I discovered a whole bunch of YouTube videos where I can program my brain in a whole bunch of tricky driving situations while it's in a relaxed state, without having to drive 2 hours plus to get to even a single highway or a minor city. That was a huge barrier to being able to practice at all. There's one channel in particular that is really amazing. This made me realize more fully that I've just never had this experience before, and it's nothing to take personally. Driving here is incredibly relaxing, open roads, low population. I never have to change lanes, ever. I also realized that I've never had any experience needing to check my blind spots or merging. Thought the blind spot parallel was funny. Thinking about this in a focused way and watching videos about driving really helped me to get out of the emotional judgmental funk about it.

Dealing with this cyclical pain bubbling up. Woke up in the night last night, my daughter seemed disoriented and went downstairs like it was morning, and then came back up and my husband said sternly "Go back to bed." For some reason I was up and just feeling some sort of sorrow or pain, and even though it seemed she did what she was told and went back to sleep, she started crying in what seemed to me the most miserable way, and I got her and brought her back to bed. She woke up in an awful mood. She has been such a teacher to me, showing me that my caring creative side and strong emotions are just one quintessential female manifestation, with powers and drawbacks, and I'm not just some fuck up for having these things and can stop taking them so personally. I both love them and am driven crazy by them being reflected in her. It seems like parents often fight about what parenting style is best, motherly love or strict discipline. Sometimes I wonder if nonduality and enlightenment teaching is so male dominated because it is the more stern approach. I think sometimes direct teachings get confused and work just like this. I also think that teaching that projects one's own pain upon another is ineffective, and that's the other side of the story. Empathy can identify one's own unhealed pain in another, and in what one thinks is connection is actually disconnection. It's not a dilemma that's going to be solved right now. "Latin from Greek dilēmma, from di- ‘twice’ + lēmma ‘premise’." ha People project this sort of empathy on my often when I say I have a autistic kid because so many people are scared of having a disabled child. He's a lovely kid, there have been challenges but really, I don't see his autism as any source of suffering outside of my own challenges and misunderstandings I've had as a mother in general. There was a Christmas concert or two when I didn't feel that way, but it turns out autism is an incredible way to teach people who care too much what others think that that kind of concern just doesn't work out for anyone ever. I don't want people to empathize with what they think I feel, and I don't want them to tell me to just stop it, neither do I want to do these things for myself.

You can't "just stop it". You aren't neurotic or beta ass, judgements like this only make the attachment stick worse. Be aware of the thoughts and impulses to check her status online, don't judge yourself for them, don't try to control them too much. If you can, find something you really want to do to take your mind off it. Call a friend, go play a sport, etc.

Curiosity, creativity, joy, in tune with and follows their inspiration, lack of self awareness, kind but without care of what people think. Sees challenges as opportunities for growth, takes responsibility for everything but nothing personally. Makes the most of life naturally and effortlessly through inspiration, without motivations of fear or insignificance.

You are Known.

Hell is the thing you think you're already avoiding, but actually thinking about right now.

@LastThursday Do you do or have you done anything artist or creative in nature? I find that men who are musicians or artists in some way generally have an amazing balance if you can call it that. Creativity is about getting in touch with a kind of allowing or receiving energy. It's best if what you're creating isn't for any real purpose that gets in the way of the fun or exploration of it. Women are so creative, we can even make people, we made ourselves and all the men too. Somewhere along the line someone decided making people was important to do or not do, and then it became much less fun I think. ?

It's weird, not one really gets it, infers a loss of sobriety, and yet, it's very inspirational. Just like life.

I'm imaging the reactions I'd get if I served my kids egg and cheese sandwiches with boiled eggs instead of fried. Might be kinda fun to do on April Fools day though...

Good to know. It's really hard to cook eggs everyday in anything but a nonstick pan.

I have a glass frying pan I got that's from the 70's. "Visions" glassware or something like that. You can often find them at Goodwill, Salvation army or eBay. They used to make them out of the real pyrex glass, now most all the baking dishes you get are run of the mill glass and break a lot easier.

Because it's an interesting perspective, I guess. That's my perspective. You is a perspective, and your perspective is actually completely fluid. You are the entirety of experience, not just a part of it.

Male makeup guru youtubers are insanely popular right now. Makeup is an art form, anything can be an artform or an area of mastery and anyone can be a master of their craft, male or female.

Man, that was one of the most effectively mood raising journal entries I've ever written. This is quite a whopper. Applies to so many things, in so many ways, outside of having a religious upbringing. Applies to a lot of thoughts patterns I have now. If you revere and fear, you think certain practices are right cause someone said so, and you avoid other things that really make you feel good, (like writing public journal entries) cause you're afraid of missing out on something, or doing something wrong. The nondualdogma is the very same as the negative, destructive self talk when you're not hearing it. Like Abraham Hicks says, "words don't teach". This morning my daughter was taking a bath and started jumping over her older brother in the bathtub proclaiming, "I'm a mermaid!" again and again "You're NOT a mermaid!" He'd yell back. Every time she splashed him, she excused herself with something like "that's just my tail". The game went on after the bath, her a Princess, then a dog and him still thinking that he could possibly explain reality to someone pretending to be something that she already knew she wasn't.

I feel horrible. I've been holding a bunch of really awful feeling perspectives for a while, and sometimes thinking of oneself as someone who should and does "know better" or who should be above that makes it much worse. I feel incredibly isolated and boxed in. (Yeah, that's not actual just disconnection from Source, you should be above this, blah blah.) The location is which I live is either heaven on earth or complete fucking hell, hello mid March! (There's no time or location ,YOU should know better, bitch, blah blah blah). I tried meditating this morning. My son sat on me. He has been getting up super early (5:30) and ruining my meditation sessions every single morning. I've been trying to explain to him that I need the time, but he doesn't get it. He is autistic, and though he is very sweet, he is incredibly immature for his age. Yesterday he bothered me so bad, mid meditation I threw my cell phone as hard as I could into the laundry room and somehow it didn't break. It just bounced, and the case came off completely. (You're telling shitty stories, you should know better, bitch, blah blah blah.) Tried Wim Hof breathing today and my chest felt so bad I could even do it. So I tried to zone out and about five minutes later my daughter came in because she missed me. (You should feel loved, blah, blah, blah) I feel so boxed in, that a lot of not great thoughts of how to get out of this place and this situation are coming up. Should I book a plane ticket or buy a gun? (You just made a fucking video about that, you imposter, what the fuck ya doing? blah, blah, blah) I seriously just think this creation thing was a bad idea. I know I've had this conversation before, but I just don't think it was worth it. (What does your name mean? Worth-y of love? Blah blah, blah) What's the difference between the voice of Source and my inner critic? (Nonduality!) Well isn't THAT really fucking convenient. Convenient. Wasn't that where the other conversation went? Etymology helps you go general. Specifics suck when you're in bitch rather than Source mode. convenient (adj.) late 14c., "fit, suitable, proper; affording accommodation; opportune, favorable," from Latin convenientem (nominative conveniens), present participle of convenire "to come together, meet together, assemble; unite, join, combine; agree with, accord; be suitable or proper (to)," from assimilated form of com "with, together" (see con-) + venire "to come" (from a suffixed form of PIE root *gwa- "to go, come"). Oh right it all fits together, like a puzzle or fucking humpty dumpty, when the world was split into duality, but still it's just a fucking story and never happened. Did I create a God so I could spend a few years fearing and revering him, and then, finding all the ways I can blaspheme against it? I think so. The fear and revere was the original blaspheme.

The fairly newly popularized term "gas lighting" is one tricky BITCH of an excuse for not pulling yourself out of a state of worthless, powerless, insecurity, etc. You can get to blame, and anger, but then you're stuck there, cause you're waiting around for someone to share your shitty perspective as a condition before you feel better and let yourself have the empowerment you seek. You actually put your power, which is essentially love, and the core desire, feeling good, in their hands to hold it apart from you. The irony of being self empowered is lost in blame of someone else not understanding how they harmed you.

I've found "feminism" or more specifically, identification with gender a surprising part of the "path". I was sort of hoping to avoid this kind of stuff. I guess that's exactly why it comes up so much. I've found all attempts at empowerment and the more commonly practiced means of fighting for women's rights a massive disappointment. I'm not saying marching against the President with a pussy hat you crocheted yourself is a bad thing, but I've been drawn to other ways of dealing with this. I've seen immense examples of power in the older women in my community, despite the fact that they still have very traditional values. It occurred to me that empowerment is something that you can't really own, promote, or make into a cause. I have unexpectedly found the sort of empowerment I feel like those things are aimed at only in spirituality, especially from Abraham Hicks, who ironically goes by a man's name (yep still stuck on that). I wanted to sort of forget or deny that this is whole thing is an issue, because obviously, gender is duality, so just forget about it. That doesn't work though, if it's thought as an escape route and not also felt as a freedom. Gender makes a great excuse to continue feeling worthless, powerless and unsafe. It can hold into place insecurity of all kinds. Of course thought is what holds us feeling that way, and so the thoughts come under the topic and belief of gender. I have family history which dramatically confirms this belief that women are powerless and unsafe, but it my own experience it also dramatically confirms that it's all attraction and that thoughts create your reality. Two days ago my mom went to do something she was so scared to go to that she hardly slept and was sick over it, and unexpectedly ran into the person who is the center of the family history of living in fear. What are the chances? 0 in infinity, or in other words, absolutely certain. She taught me by example that the way to deal was to be shy, small, hide, not put yourself out there, not to create any sort of confrontation (ok I never really listened to that one), be kind to everyone. It can be really rough to take responsibility for what you attract. Cause ultimately you can't, it's just about aligning with the desire of what you really want. We don't want to live in fear, we don't want to have to trample on others to feel worthy, we don't want to have to force things through and manipulate to get what we want. We don't want to perpetuate a pattern that didn't feel good and wasn't working and sell it as the only method that works. My whole life has been almost instant attraction, karma, when I fuck up. Someone must love me very much. I think this is the place where I'm supposed to clarify what I do want. I do want to line up with the inspiration before I do anything I think I should be doing.

It's pretty amazing how when you're feeling off about something you can just type a subject and her name into youtube and almost always feel so much better and see it in a whole new way.

@somegirl One of the strangest things about looking up medical conditions online is that very often the more you read the more confusing it gets. As hard as we try to logically do the right thing and make the right decision, sometimes (ok, in my opinion most all the time) your gut feeling and intuition is more accurate and knows what is really best for you. Almost anytime anyone gives you advice they have something at stake, they want to protect themselves, promote themselves, the feel they must go along with preexisting guidelines they have to abide by, they simply want to avoid causing harm, or are going on their own biased values and limited experiences, etc. You know what's best. Try your best to line up with whatever you decide and line up and connect with yourself (not other people's opinions) to make a decision. Don't stay with him and be terrified of sex with him, and don't leave him and guilt yourself for it. Funny thing is, immunity itself is a sort of inner, lining up with what the body knows is best for it. So regardless of the decision or whether you come to a decision at all, that's what I'd do.

@Gesundheit Significant means having a meaning, and you give meaning to the word significant and decide what is and what isn't, because you think you're significant, which gives you the significance to think you're insignificant, and to decide which words and things are significant or insignificant to you. Sometimes a mind affirming thought can be mistaken for a mindfuck. The term mind-fuck points to the end of mind or the dissolution of the separate mind into Oneness. The attempt at imagining another mind doesn't go anywhere except for practical purposes (teaching a kid to brush their teeth). If you do try to teach a child you realize how important it is to be open because you realize that you can't just transfer understanding, but that effective teaching requires a huge amount of awareness and openness on the part of the teacher to be successful. Children were taught the earth was flat for generations and that was considered knowledge.

I'm sure that will help with the confusion thing.

@Gesundheit emit is just time spelled backwards. Already it