mandyjw

Oh right, infinite, eternal, never getting it done. Cause I wanted that? I don't remember? Already done, just creating for the fun of it. Yay? Oh fuck it, I'll go create something. I decided not to create but clean up messes. And when I did I checked my daughters backpack and inside oh holy of holies, oh synchronicity, of synchronicities, oh law of attraction, was a report from the dentist program that just so happened to visit her school today. I had just jumped through all sorts of hoops to get her an appointment for a cavity, and was guilting myself for not brushing her teeth better, for letting her have candy too much, and still couldn't get an appointment until late August, 2 hours away, just to see her not to address it. I signed a permission form for her to have a checkup at school months ago but it never happened so I figured they canceled due to the pandemic. Well today she has a form in her backpack, they used fluoride treatments, even a special one that stains and slows cavities and no suspect cavities. Spot is gone. It was never actually what I thought it was. That brown spot I brushed and brushed, and wished "OUT DAMN SPOT" but never went away wasn't actually a cavity. Huh. Well I'll be.

If I do everything right, I won't have to suffer. My kids won't have to suffer. My family won't have to suffer. The world won't have to suffer. It's my fault my son has autism, because I was too angry and stressed out during pregnancy, I didn't know then what I know now. I didn't eat right, I was afraid of getting listeria so I didn't eat enough fresh foods. I didn't co-sleep because I believed all the stuff about SIDS. It never ends. If something bad happens to someone I try to figure out how to prevent it from happening to me. If I learn that trying to prevent bad things creates bad things, my mind still works to fault myself. Facebook scrolling. Mom gave birth at 26 weeks, baby is in need to lots of medical care. She is all worried about wasting plastic and destroying the earth. Is that like passing off a worry? Is that what I'm doing right now? Funny last night I dreamed I got the vaccine, and they gave it to me in the muscle above my boob. When they did I had a let down response as if I were breastfeeding and the vaccine ran all out where it was injected. It's like trying to mother the world. It's like trying to be the perfect mother to the world. It's the women who react to the vaccines. The women who make the appointments. The women who try to fix up and clean up and beautify and love and care for the world, to do right, to be right. And there's always, always going to be another task, it's work that's never done.

Love this introduction. I'm stuck in overthinking mode right now about the COVID vaccine. Wanting to resolve the pandemic hermit-mode situation, give my kids more experiences and secure my health. I've always felt like it's easier to jump into action than to drop thoughts about whether I should or shouldn't. This (not saying THIS circumstance is a case of that but, the mind pattern) is something I want to be free of more than free of the thoughts about the circumstance. How are you supposed to know whether you should just take some action and "get it over with" or if you need to drop the thoughts about it? This is essentially the essence of the strange "mental problem" I suffer with. Oh geez that let loose the waterworks. Ever since I was a kid I get these impulses to do things or say things and I never WANT to do them, but I know the only way to feel better is to go through the steps and get them over with. I learned about OCD and I learned to ignore them and turned into a perfectly functioning teenager and adult, but the awakening opened that door again and opened up the realization that I WANT to WANT to follow my intuition. Sometimes they are just monkey mind, but I will think, think, think and not let go so I just want to get it over with. There's no satisfaction in it. Do I think life is a problem I want to get over with? Not really? Sort of? On the outside, or materially or whatever, my life is everything I wanted or dreamed. There's no satisfaction in it. There's no satisfaction in the cup of coffee or the trying to hold on to the satisfaction. I don't know what to do with any of this, I realize I'm hoping that journaling will just sort of flow me into an insight or realization that makes me feel better. I am such an over thinker, I will think and I will think and I will think. I'm jealous of people who naturally don't do this, those idiotic blissful mother fuckers. (I love them, really.) This is the original gambling. The original Facebook scrolling. It never ends. It's most just the same old shit, until every once in awhile there's something really enticing. I just found this quote Facebook scrolling. (you can laugh) "It is very easy to conform to what your society or your parents and teachers tell you. That is a safe and easy way of existing; but that is not living...To live is to find out for yourself what is true. -Jiddu Krishnamurti" I seem to have this sort of anxiety where I will comply with things I don't want just to get them over with, because I am far less afraid of the people or effects of their agenda than my own over-thinking, than my own thoughts blaming myself for not having done something I should have done. For example the extreme directions I was given in the hospital to prevents SIDS. They were against my own intuition, but I just got enveloped in a cloud of fear. And if you go to far with this, you refuse knowledge that is helpful, it's just the fear with which it's received that it's an issue. I deeply know and have known my whole life that my thoughts are the most terrifying thing in the world. I totally misinterpret this though. It should be hilarious, empowering and instead, I believe the thought that my thoughts are the most terrifying thing in the world! I'm terrified of myself. Now that's an autoimmune condition.

I had a snowball like effect of realizations, mystical experiences, challenges, deep focus on spirituality, starting to talk, write and interact with others here on the forum, making connections to what I was thinking to what I was seeing. I started becoming intensely focused, stopped eating and sleeping normally. Started barfing up old memories seen in a beautiful new light. It culminated in a completely different state, a completely different kind of seeing like you described. Because it was somewhat intentional and I thought I sort of knew what I was getting into (I had no idea), and it felt so right and so amazing I had few thoughts of "I'm insane, this is bad" come up. I was also able to just barely hold it together enough to function day to day life wise. I mildly concerned a few family members, my husband was too intimately part of my life to not be completely drawn into it with me, but everything turned out better than ok.

So sorry for your loss and welcome! I highly recommend "The Nature of Consciousness" by Rupert Spira. I think it will explain a lot and help you make some connections you're looking for. If it seems too weighty at first, try "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.

Mistaking oneself for a thing or a concept that is actually separate can cause all kinds of varied outwardly manifesting disorders and forms of suffering. Narcissism is a very interesting one because it's such an obvious and direct example of what we all do. I think that narcissism is driven by suffering and anyone willing to sink into and at the same time overcome the misunderstandings at the root (I am a separate self, things and situations make me happy) has the potential to heal anything. I think we all intuitively know it. Sometimes the more clearly we feel that something about our belief system or about our idea of "us" is very wrong the more ridiculous our behavior becomes to try to keep it all together.

All I know is "Happily Ever After" was the last line of the story, and then I stopped reading because there were no more pages or words.

Well that just makes me not want bacon and ham and want a pet pig.

What I do is make sure I get protein, early in the day. Eat a lot of veggies, eat healthy square meals. Have a treat occasionally, once a month or so or as part of celebrations. Honestly pay attention to how food makes you feel, it makes it a lot easier to eat intuitively and make genuine healthy choices that you want to be making. If you give yourself concrete rules to follow, it can lead to a feeling of deprivation that can't be controlled, or just plain old doesn't lead us to the health and vitality that we thought it would if we did all the right things.

Imagine if he hadn't been rejected from the art school he applied to, twice? lol The only thing more horrible than history is playing "what if".

Good technical skill, but lack of anything else notable or inspirational whatsoever. Looks like thrift store art that can only be saved by painting dinosaurs or space cats into it. Sorry Hitler.

I agree with @Michael569 that a balanced diet is a better approach for many reasons. However, drinking tea, green tea, etc will inhibit your absorption of iron, which is usually thought of as a bad thing, but could be either I guess. You could also donate blood.

@Someone here All intelligence is your intelligence, intelligence isn't owned by anyone so it's not two. Ironically someone can't teach you a thing unless you feel and resonate that it's also your intelligence. All learning is a dissolution of teacher and student, like ice melting into water.

I guess all that matters is the realization that you're doing it. And doing it. and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it. And if you feel bad for doing it, you're doing it and doing it and doing it... Yup.

OH SHIT. "For him "the installation of the super-ego can be described as a successful instance of identification with the parental agency," while as development proceeds "the super-ego also takes on the influence of those who have stepped into the place of parents — educators, teachers, people chosen as ideal models"." "The super-ego aims for perfection.[27] It forms the organized part of the personality structure, mainly but not entirely unconscious, that includes the individual's ego ideals, spiritual goals, and the psychic agency (commonly called "conscience") that criticizes and prohibits their drives, fantasies, feelings, and actions. "The Super-ego can be thought of as a type of conscience that punishes misbehavior with feelings of guilt. For example, for having extra-marital affairs."[33] Taken in this sense, the super-ego is the precedent for the conceptualization of the inner critic as it appears in contemporary therapies such as IFS.[34] The super-ego works in contradiction to the id. The super-ego strives to act in a socially appropriate manner, whereas the id just wants instant self-gratification. The super-ego controls our sense of right and wrong and guilt.[35] It helps us fit into society by getting us to act in socially acceptable ways.[24] The super-ego's demands often oppose the id's, so the ego sometimes has a hard time in reconciling the two.[27] Freud's theory implies that the super-ego is a symbolic internalisation of the father figure and cultural regulations." "The terms "id", "ego", and "super-ego" are not Freud's own. They are latinisations by his translator James Strachey. Freud himself wrote of "das Es",[48] "das Ich",[20] and "das Über-Ich"[30]—respectively, "the It", "the I", and "the Over-I" (or "I above"); thus to the German reader, Freud's original terms are more or less self-explanatory." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego_and_super-ego

@Nahm ?

@Nahm I thought it was the mandAla effect @Shin I also wrote the Berenstein Bears books, not to be confused with the Berenstain Bears books, not sure WTF those were.

I love this. Just connect with her as you are, with humor and love, I think that's the perfect approach. Encouraging her to truly connect with her own heart and intuition is a teaching beyond words.

@4201 Thank you!

An awakening experience is causeless, so no matter what cause you attribute it to, it's an experience that is actually an experience of lack. Lack of believed thoughts that something is wrong, lack of thoughts that SAY something is lacking, someone is lacking, that you already know what's going on. So we say it's an experience of love or wonder or however we describe it. It should be seen as an experience that raises your standards, now you KNOW/FEEL what is possible when we drop the thoughts that say otherwise. The way is to sink into feeling, dropping thoughts. It's a very old "trick" to attribute that happiness/lack of anything wrong TO a person, place, substance or particular experience in the past. This is what you've been doing your entire life, Santa Claus brought me what I asked for and I was happy for a few hours. Santa Claus doesn't exist, the toy didn't make you happy, but those circumstances and beliefs allowed you to experience a window of time where no thoughts arose that fueled an underlying feeling that something was missing. 11 year old you thought, "Having a nerf gun would be great, I wish I had a new nerf gun, there's nothing good on TV right now, my brother ate all the oreos, that asshole!" Nothing has changed since. Everything has changed. It's Christmas everyday. Merry Christmas! Happy Birthday! Raise your standards for how you feel! Don't mistake the thought "I should feel better" for feeling itself. That thought is just as useless as a thought equating happiness with oreos or the nerf gun. Also note "feel better" has a double meaning. It means you're more aware, you heighten your senses, see with more clarity, AND AND AND you FEEL love. Maaagic.

@Meditationdude What's the difference between love and desire? What's the relationship between love and desire?

Focusing on things that make you feel good is not ego backlash. The desire behind the junk food, etc, is to feel better. When you focus on the direct "goal" of feeling better, and allow yourself to feel better rather than demonizing all the things you go to to feel better you naturally make better feeling choices. Make a list of self care stuff, dark chocolate, fruit, an occasional unhealthy treat, watching a favorite movie, playing a favorite game. Make it intentional, and actually ALLOW yourself to relax and rewind. Your desire is to release resistance, meditation IS supposed to be one of these self care things, a time allotted to breathe deeply, let go and release resistance. Your goal is not to be one who meditates well, it's just to release resistance. Once you see this you'll have more awareness over what resistance is and you'll naturally make better choices, without the judgement.

Nope. You thinking of Natasha?