mandyjw

I feel bad because you are bad. Repent, goddamn it. REPENT. Peace on earth and mercy mild, GODDAMN sinners reconcile! Ohhh! Oh.. he's trying to get me to repent! For what I said, the same understanding, for the same words that have freed me. Because of how it made him feel, which is my fault because I told him he isn't influenced on how he feels by outside forces. Law of attraction, I understand how you work, but baby you're much too fast. Well I'm clear. Thank you. Thanks for everything. Speaking of Prince. Wildly appropriate. https://youtu.be/4gazNwzC4H0 Thank you, thanks for everything.

Oh! Oh. Nicely played. Accused of what I accuse. Law of attraction, toss me on the seas! High note, low note, high note, low note, SHARK! Empty boat. Empty note.

Because many are trying to avoid thinking of themselves as weak with some false idea of strength and they don't do what they are truly inclined to do, or say what they are inclined to say. Trying not to be weak actually becomes an inhibition, and inhibitions cut ourselves off from true strength. If something like this makes you uncomfortable then it might be worth considering that your idea(l) of a man is cutting you off from what you really want to do in life.

Whatever, I'm already free, but the universe responds to how I actually feel about it. Whatever. Whatever. I'm cool. I'm good. Shell-shocked. I wanted this world to be good. It doesn't look good. How many meth heads for neighbors? How many judgmental as fuck Christians? How many abusive men in power? How many women who don't know their worth? TOO MANY! I only see one, to every question. Not even that. How long are you going to play all these notes for? The sad ones, the profound ones, the, I guess none of them are that, I just think they are. Don't you know? I don't know how to write them. I'm ignorant. I just enjoy it. What a brilliant design. Enjoying without knowing what's coming next. It's a buffet. I know. But it's one mother fucking fucked up buffet. I mean big picture wise, I'm not sure how you can't admit that. What kind of buffet has all THIS? Admit? Admit you to the buffet? I don't see a buffet, my big picture is the small one, what's wanted. I never see the whole buffet. There is no big picture. There's no shapshot, no still image, THIS is it. There are no frames, it doesn't stop. It doesn't stop for anyone. I once went on a trip with my in laws and we drove 4 hours out of the way to go to a fucking buffet. Just go the fuck to McDonald's people. Don't go out of the way for what you really want. I don't stop for anyone. Slow down. You know how there are things you love that you're just dying to share with people, but they wouldn't open their minds to it? And honestly you don't know if it's you or them? You know how things don't make you happy? You know how people are free to do what they want? What about this seems so wrong to you? It seems write I suppose. Whatever. See? It's not willing to end on a bad note, willing to drop it without resolving it. See, as you said above there are no bad notes. My relationship with my husband began with me writing notes. note (n.) c. 1300, "a song, music, melody; instrumental music; a bird-song; a musical note of a definite pitch," from Old French note and directly from Latin nota "letter, character, note," originally "a mark, sign, means of recognition," which traditionally has been connected to notus, past participle of noscere "to come to know," but de Vaan reports this is "impossible," and with no attractive alternative explanation, it is of unknown origin. Meaning "notice, attention" is from early 14c.; that of "reputation, fame" is from late 14c. From late 14c. as "mark, sign, or token by which a thing may be known." From late 14c. as "a sign by which a musical tone is represented to the eye." Meaning "a brief written abstract of facts" is from 1540s; meaning "a short, informal written communication" is from 1590s. From 1550s as "a mark in the margin of a book calling attention to something in the text," hence "a statement subsidiary to the text adding or elucidating something." From 1680s as "a paper acknowledging a debts, etc." In perfumery, "a basic component of a fragrance which gives it its character," by 1905. https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=note Holy fuck. A note is snapshot. A thought.

After sleeping on it, I'm PISSED again. A bit unsettled still but pissed. I got triggered by something, and then I thought about what I wanted to comfort me and thought it was hilarious that Christian music came to mind, and also thought that was very very wrong of me, like backlash or regression. But there is no backlash or regression. You only move forward. Then I realized the connection. And I realized that my judgement to being open sexualy, and my judgement toward religion was the same. It felt like in order to be a part of a church family, you'd need to do everything like them. People can influence you in ways to discover your own connection with source or they can influence a cutting off from it. In truth there isn't any influence, just your own connection or disconnection. Pastor Leon told my Dad he was a shitty father for letting us get hair cuts. Women had to have long hair. They don't get to choose what they like. Pastor Leo says that if women don't orgasm or are too uptight, she's messed up and you should leave her. It's all about what pleases the man. Since when is wisdom about what makes a man feel like a man? God forbid a woman own her own pleasure, no matter what that is. God forbid. Maybe God is actually a woman, and she's biased towards men which is why there's never been a female President. I mean... George Bush's big ears were SO fucking cute. Who cares if they start a war in the Middle East? And the way he dodged that shoe, man. Pretty masterful. Alright that journal entry took a turn. Back on track with my righteous anger. writeous. Tee hee he. I'm sure it will return soon enough.

@Fearless_Bum How appropriate! The trash bag I thought was a buddha.

Yeah, the "what's the worst that could happen" question to let go of fears around something we already know we really want to do can be helpful sometimes. But you've been making threads just like this frequently for months on end.

FUUUUUUUUCK. I played the music video again. Fuck. Holy shit. Hooooooly shit. Hooooooly shit. I wish I could be coherent, but... There is nothing... no reason.... there's no reason. The REASON FOR THE SEASON IS NO REASON> MOTHER FUCKERS THEY ARE IN THE VORTEX! JESUS BE DAMNED. Jesus. Jesus. Didn't matter. Never mattered. NEVER MATTERED. It NEVER MATTERED! Marry Christmas, Hallelhuay. Whatever the fuck that was supposed to say.

Y'all need to repent! repent (v.) c. 1300, repenten, "be grieved over one's past and seek forgiveness; feel such regret for sins, crimes, or omissions as produces amendment of life," from Old French repentir (11c.), from re-, here perhaps an intensive prefix (see re-), + Vulgar Latin *penitire "to regret," from Latin poenitire "make sorry," from poena (see penal). https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=repent I've been embarrassed of my religious background, repenting for what I thought was the creator of the need to repent. I needed to liberate myself and make myself cool so I could please other kinds of people. Obviously religion was a scapegoat itself. Oh damn I was jealous of these people. I HATED this band. I wanted that. Oh damn. Ohhhh damn! Ohhhh damn! No..... No. NOPE. We didn't go THERE SOURCE, oh no we didn't. "Something happened, and now I know. " You're allowed to want what you want and like what you like regardless of what other people think. Ok, I know what I want. Damn freedom is such a non thing. I'M ALLOWED TO WANT WHAT I WANT! I'M ALLOWED TO WANT WHAT I WANT! Damn. They put a steeple on their church. The turret. The lightning rod. Jealousy. Are you serious? Are you serious? Just allow the desire. That's all. NO! THIS has to be wrong somehow. THIS is what you repressed. This is what you were repressing. FUCK! I don't know how to make this happen.... Just allow the desire, that's all. You are simply free to do what feels right to you. You are simply free to do what feels right to you. You are simply free to do what feels right to you. It's all write. Freedom would be a terrifying thing, if terrifying and terrific didn't come from the same fucking root. But how? How do you have that without that, and HOW do you have THAT without THAT? Don't ask how but why? Don't ask why but how? It all falls apart you see. You asked. The same root. The same desire. Life is working out, for everyone. Do you see the beauty now? Do you see it? Do you see it? YES! Yes I see. I'm scared. You don't see. I saw. I came, I saw, I... decided I was weak. decide (v.) late 14c., "to settle a dispute, determine a controversy," from Old French decider, from Latin decidere "to decide, determine," literally "to cut off," You can cut off the controversy. But never yourself. controversy (n.) "disputation, debate, prolonged agitation of contrary opinions," late 14c., from Old French controversie "quarrel, disagreement" or directly from Latin controversia "a turning against; contention, quarrel, dispute," from controversus "turned in an opposite direction, disputed, turned against," from contra "against" (see contra (prep., adv.)) + versus "turned toward or against," past participle of vertere "to turn" (from PIE root *wer- (2) "to turn, bend"). I WAS the controversy! It was all turned against yourself. Your intent was to be good to yourself today, and you were. And the same, tomorrow, and the next day. So pop goes the world. This is not how I was expecting things would go! They aren't going anywhere. Calm the fuck down and enjoy your newfound freedom. Everything, EVERYTHING is newfound.

lol What's funny is that there is nothing wrong with the lyrics themselves at all. Sang it every summer in Bible school. It's not oddball, that's just the most popular religion in the world and what many don't see is that many blockages towards awakening are the very same fear and revere dogma as Christianity. "Salvation" from what? It was all right there in the Bible school songs. Just minus the idea of a God who others and is above. Atheism and religion make love to each other and dissolve into beautiful nothingness together. Everything is always becoming, more, more, more. There's no origination point and so it ever remains becoming eternally MORE out of nothing. What could be better?

You're welcome. I figure that until this forum stops talking about God as if it's a patriarchal figure with super powers, I will be reenacting my Christian childhood. There aren't two of you. There isn't a better you. There isn't a future you. There isn't a you you can let go of.

@Nahm That's what She said.

That boat is empty honey.

I think people metabolize caffeine differently. I drank one of those Bubbly Bounce cans with 35 mg caffeine over the course of the entire morning and I'm wired. But they are just moderately caffeinated sparkling water if you want a better replacement.

"That's how the light gets in."

@Zeroguy He's so damn impressive, I think we should probably just ignore him all the time.. like the sky or something. Spend too long looking at it, you'll lose yourself. Can't have that.

I think AI would allow everyone to be an artist, which they inherently already are, but it would allow more time and opportunity for it.

Get comfortable with meditation and all that borderless, colors appearing on no screen phenomenon stuff. When you go to bed and close your eyes at night do you see colors and patterns appear and disappear? Visuals on pot compared to normal meditation are like watching SpongeBob compared with sitting in a forest. You don't let newborn babies watch Spongebob because it's just WAAAAY more stimulation than they are accustomed to.

I was trying to type a response, my husband came in the room without seeing the topic and randomly said "He's baiting you." You don't have to actually form out questions that you ask, asking is more of a profound emotional/vibrational thing than just using language to formulate a question. If you ask questions based on how you see yourself, based on how you want others to see you and not out of genuine driving curiosity or desire, that's not going to be fulfilling. I think being willing to ask stupid questions with a childlike curiosity is what leads you to some of the most satisfying unexpected answers.

I seem to deviate from what I want, when I think that "I am a woman, so of course this is actually my desire, it must be because I'm weak and needy, and I can't just go for the jugular and make my name and build something. Or go mediate in a cave and leave everyone and everything. Cause I'm lesser than, obviously." I want to bring together rather than build. The tower of babel. What is prior to building? ? Communication. What's bringing together, drawing, a drawing, att traction? I'm just aligning with the power, the current. What happens when you build something, and don't bring together? A cult. cult (n.) 1610s, "worship, homage" (a sense now obsolete); Fear and Revere. I could also stand to drop my disrespect and love instead. I mean... being a woman is fucking awesome. I really wouldn't choose to be anything else. Dr.P's mansion is just a pile of rocks now. It used to be a huge mansion with a turret. Now it's a hole in the ground, you have to seek it out to find it. And that's kind of the magic of it. WOAH. Source likes where I'm headed with this. assert (v.) c. 1600, "declare;" 1640s, "vindicate, maintain, or defend by words or measures," from Latin assertus, past participle of asserere/adserere "to claim, lay claim to, appropriate," from ad "to" (see ad-) + serere "to join together, put in a row" (from PIE root *ser- (2) "to line up"). Related: Asserted; asserting. To assert oneself "stand up for one's rights or authority" is recorded from 1879. Of course there's no assertion.

Less about teaching, more about friendship and mutual appreciation. Everyone has something to teach us, something important to offer, even if it's a question they are asking. Especially if it's a question they are asking. When we enjoy each other, we influence each other. There isn't a requirement of having "credit" or being assumed to have "knowledge" or teacher being above a student. This slows it down and makes it less satisfying for all involved. There isn't even a conscious knowledge of teaching going on when some of the most transformational moments occur. It was just someone doing what they enjoy, connected to Source and someone observed it. When I was a little kid another kid came to my house and caught a garter snake. He was very calm, not afraid of it, treating it respectfully, and held it out for me while I patted it. I never saw him again, my family was terrified of snakes but having that experience had inoculated me against it. So many people are looking for friendship and mutual appreciation when they seek out a teacher, or seek to become one. Bu instead they might think they are seeking to become. We carefully observe each other. We either use what we observe (think) to cut ourselves off from source and connection with another, seeking to come up better than the other, or we recognize our own being. When we are the boy appreciating the garter snake because it's what he wants to do, we are in our essence, teaching. When we are acting out in front of our child our fear of snakes, we are doing the opposite. Where two or three are gathered. Rather than making more Eckhart Tolle's and Sadhguru's, if anything we just want to enjoy each other. And that's all Tolle and Sadhguru are doing really anyway. "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." -Rumi We have to know that we're inherently worthy , that we DO have something to offer and it's not different from the openness to appreciating what another has to offer. We don't have to even know what that is, just that we aren't separate and we attract each other because we're what the other is asking for.

You aren't the character, you're the author. So it's not that you need to let go of the story, but you get to know and feel that you love and create it all out of love for all/no one in particular. So just tap into that creative, love/ appreciation, inspiration stuff and it will do all the writing for you.

@aetheroar Have you read Mister God this is Anna by any chance? Anna describes it almost exactly like that in the book. Anyway, it's wonderful, if you haven't read it.