Jayson G

I don't know how to explain the particular kind of social anxiety I have, but I'll try to explain it. I'm not trying to say that Im some unique snowflake lol .. but Ill explain my thought process here. So I've cold approached a lot. (300 approaches over the years) And with cold approach I always usually talk to a single person. Im a guy and whenever I talk to a girl, Im usually fine. Im normal, casual, a bit flirty if I want to be. But when it comes to groups, things are different. Usually in the beginning of entering a group, I start to really choke up (social anxiety wise) .. and this is pretty much any kind of group. Even my 2 closest friends, I just start choking up and getting anxious. It got to the point where I have to drink alcohol any time I enter a group situation. And at 3 beers Im usually having a great time, social, etc. but only with alcohol. This really got amplified 2 years ago, I was hanging out with a group of friends and I really was choking up, anxious .. it happens even more when its quiet around us, like no music is playing or whatever. But then the girl from the group is like "why are you all scared" and like attacking me, and that made me shut down even more. And now I cant enter most group situations without alcohol. There's family Ive wanted to see for many years, but Ive been avoiding them because of this. Up until today I was like okay its fine, I'll fix it later after I fix my financial situation more, but now it's like Okay I really need to fix this, work on it 4 to 5 times per week. The way I would describe this social anxiety is situational: It mainly happens when its quiet around me, in groups of 2 or more, with people who I know judge me or dislike me, with my aunt and uncles (in my culture they tend to be more on the judgemental side), and other situations too like in conversation I would laugh at something but then suddenly get self-conscious about my laugh and then kind of shut down, or someone brings up something from my past that is hard for me to talk about. Sometimes I think though that some of these situations are different from social anxiety. Like some things could be associated with trauma and OCD which I have also. But at the same time I spend a lot of time alone, and my OCD and trauma doesnt make me anxious so I have a feeling this is all just social anxiety, and nothing really else. I kind of just want to know if I can really fix this. I used to be nervous with girls, one-on-one, but I've fixed a lot of that with cold-approach, getting girlfriends, dating. Now one-on-one with girls, or hanging out with a guy im usually fine for the most part. Really its just in a group of 2 or more. My aunt was coming over, and I just took a lot of hurt from her in the past. And the whole week before she was coming to my house I did all these things to try and get myself to be okay to talk to her, but the day she arrived, I choked up again .. but for the first 3 minutes it was very obvious and uncomfortable, but after 3 minutes I was completely fine, wanting to talk to her, talking perfectly well in a group. So often its just those 3 minutes in the beginning. I know cold-approach isn't enough to be honest to fix this (I think) .. because in cold-approach, Im only talking to one person at a time usually, and my social anxiety is situational with usually groups of 2 or more. But then again with cold-approach, I usually have short conversations, Im not that social to be honest, Im pretty inconsistent, rarely talk to groups, etc. So maybe that will help. I also wanted to add that the past month, life's been pretty good. A month ago I had this BIG emotional release, and since then Ive been very peaceful in my mind, a whole month straight. Alert, happy, peaceful, meditative, productive .. but only by myself, in my house. To the main point of my post: I guess really the main point of my post is this: I want to commit today onwards to really making a shift in this area of my life. It's been years of just avoiding friends and family, both out of social anxiety, but also because I am very happy alone. But I cant keep this behavior up of avoiding people. What I want to know is, is this really possible to change? I know thats a weird question to ask. I mostly know that any change can be made in life. I know that people have cured all kinds of social anxieties. But for some reason, I have this thing I tell myself that my social anxiety is situational, that mines is mixed with OCD and trauma, that I have failed to change this a lot in the past and despite my efforts it only feels like it worsens .. I just really want to know, with honesty, if this is possible to change. And then if its possible, what can I do to fix it? I plan to socialize 4 to 5 times a week. (I have only met 1 friend in the past 4 months) .. Im planning to go to the gym 3x per week, join classes where I can be more social like hip hop classes and stuff, go to the gym, if I have the courage I'll try to join toastmasters. Ive joined toastmasters before and even gave speeches. I was pretty nervous but I did it, so I think I can do it again. Im 27 right now. I was a lot more social in college. I feel like I can get back to that. What else can I do for this unique situation based on your experience. Any and all replies would be greatly appreciated. @Leo Gura if you have any advice, based on your past struggles please share if you'd like.

@Leo Gura if Biden sticks to his guns on supporting israel no matter what, how bad do you think that would be for usa in terms of living in usa safety, or how much would that affect matters in usa: people getting along, security, etc. I'm guessing that's to be seen, and hard to say how people will respond. I live in US and Im wondering how this could affect us citizen lives, moreso with internal matters

Just wanted to say @Leo Gura, this post means a lot. I'm not the one to get in arguments with you and all that, but you've been literally my hero these past 8 years, and past few years I always had a fear before posting that "just don't get yelled at by someone you look up to a lot" .. but also even if your behaviors don't change immediately, the thought really does count, just knowing that you're trying is enough for me. What more can anyone expect? You're human too. Humans are messy by nature. I can't speak for others who have faced harsher replies, but I think we all know deep down you care a lot, more than you realize, about the actualized community, and the individuals. You take the time to individually reply to us, to look at our circumstances. To be truthful as best as you can, and pour your heart out in your videos. Nothing about this is easy. And lastly, I hope whatever deep suffering you're going through at the moment, is manageable and you're able to come out strong. I don't know what to make out of "deep suffering" but just that I, we, care and hope you're doing well.

That case became a pure mess for so many people .. ashton and mila, danny's sister, etc. Im surprised they stepped down from their organization just over those letters. They did so much good work for their organization but a small mistake in supporting an old friend made them take such a big hit. Quite the shit show .. hurts also cuz i was such a big fan of that 70s show lol

I was going to watch this episode to study the psychology of Elon, what made him successful, etc. And through that process you can see a subtle war between a biased person and an unbiased person. In this case Lex is biased because Elon is his good friend. They shared a picture of celebrating a birthday together even. Walter, on the other end of the spectrum writes biographies. In such a position you have to be unbiased, and purely observant. He doesn't care if Elon is "good" or "bad". He cares about the truth, what actually happened, what he is really like, his psychology, etc. (lets ignore the Ukraine story because that was a miscommunication, and a one-off item) Maybe walter has a slight bias, but the priority of observation and truth really shines. Lex's bias just makes it hard to listen. And btw I love Lex. But I noticed sometimes his bias, romantic poetic talks, niceness, gets in the way of realness. When I reflect in myself, I not only prioritize niceness, poetic talks, etc. but I also love it. Like talking poetic for example, makes life beautiful, but on the other end it distorts reality at times. I don't know how I feel about poetry tbh. Anyways .. back this convo .. What's interesting here is that even though Lex is telling the truth about Elon, the inherent bias affects the truth, it distorts it, it feels fake and hard to listen to at times. I haven't studied bias much, but seeing bias vs. non-bias in this contrast in a real world example really makes me see the importance of letting bias go. Of course if Lex let go of his bias, Elon would stop being friends with him lol .. and the lesson there is bias = survival. Drop the bias and it affects your survival On a final note .. The center of this conversation, Elon musk, love him or hate him, his life just seems so impossible yet its happening. A man who is kinda crazy, childish, etc. but builds very stable grounded companies. Someone who lacks higher consciousness ideal makes profound changes in humanity. I don't get it.

but are you saying good health then isn't in our control if its just all genetics? don't genetics only make up a pillar of good health, as there are many factors to good health?

I'll be honest, I'm a guy who usually goes for girls between like 19 to 22 but it's a much more different case when I'm in love. When I'm in love with a girl, it doesn't matter if she has acne, some fat, her age, nothing. I noticed I'll love her far more than any really pretty, young girl. This "expiring" thing you're talking about is when guys think about it sort of logically. But emotionally, when a guy falls for a girl, he falls for that girl, all his ideals get thrown out the window, and he loves her and will do anything for her and stay with her.

I've been laughing for the past 5 mins about this loll

fair point on the little girls thing. I don't know why I never thought of that. I guess its the same thing with our phones. We have such luxury because of the cruel conditions in 3rd world countries. Tough pill to swallow ngl. But thats very inspirational. That would give the life purpose course a new meaning. Glad you're here to stay, looking forward to the next 20+ years wherever it leads.

That's far from the truth. I'm always checking for new videos, been looking forward to the courses and all that. But I think people are starting to feel the pain that you're experiencing from doing actualized.org I was in an ethics class and my professor gave an example of a utopian city where everyone's happy, but for that to happen, a little girl has to be in the dungeon. In utopian ethics, yes it would be fine, because the majority benefit. But on a more evolved ethics perspective, no one would want the little girl to suffer. But if you're saying, you as the little girl would want this, then I guess that makes things good. I guess we just feel the pain of your suffering.

Then why aren't you quitting actualized.org? I don't mean it in a bad way. Im wondering if all this is the case, why still run it?

The only man-hating I've ever really come across, which I also noticed is a little, is from women who have had a constant stream of actual bad experiences with men, usually really pretty girls

@Leo Gura Your even more recent post about your health got me pretty worried man. I'm not trying to intrude on your personal issues, but is everything okay? Isn't there always room to improve health? maybe if you took a very deep break from actualized.org, the forum, etc. and tried new avenues (maybe going surfing for a few months somewhere, idk) you'll gain new perspective? Even if you don't post anything ever again, you've by far done a great service to humanity, for the centuries to come. I hope you'll prioritize your health far more than actualized now.

@Leo Gura I had an LSD trip where I knew I was me, my identity was intact, but I couldn't recognize the context of what was around me. Like I was in a building and nothing changed in terms of visuals, but contextually nothing made sense. Also later that trip when I was going to sleep I closed my eyes and it felt like I was watching all kinds of horror movies, and like I was kinda physically moving through those. I did have some bits of panic in these scenarios but mostly I was fine and not freaking out. Is this what you would call some light degree of insanity, or just as some parts of this trip being bad? Not sure what you're referring to when you say insanity actually.

Yeah I was doing some thinking on this after our conversation, I realized I definitely do need strictness, and actually enjoy that. Could be this part of development in my life. It's reliable, highly effective, and many other great things. Though exploring non-strictness actually mentally opened more doors for me, and Im seeing new ways of living right now.

I've been trying to integrate various success road maps, much of it which is on actualized.org, recommended books, and interviews and such on YouTube from successful people. I'd start by saying I watched Leo's "valuable things require development over time" video atleast 50+ hours of just this video. This for me is the most important success advice. Based on this roadmap, a life plan could look like this Daily routine, Training program - Morning routine focused on health, emotional mastery and consciousness - 4 hours life purpose - Evenings or weekends working on your relationships, social skills, etc. And you basically do this training program for decades, constantly iterating it on a daily, weekly and/or monthly basis. This training program being like a system, that you constantly iterate (imagine like a machine that you improve bit by bit, or a system like in systems thinking) Now say you do this training program for 10 years. In the "valuable things require development over time", the main principle Leo states is: "slow, steady consistent investing on a daily basis for years and decades", that you shouldn't be 1-year minded, but 10-year minded say. But where the conflict comes for me, is in the Life in chapters and phases video, as well as leo's recent advice to someone is that you sort of spend a few years on one chapter, a few years on another chapter. Like a few years on wealth, a few years on health, a few years on relationships, a few years on spirituality, etc. Wouldn't the few years be short-term, impatient, foolish thinking? But if I dig deeper, it might be foolish to expect really high results in a few years, even if its possible. But, to make a distinction, you could also just take a few years to just focus and get that part handled in your life such that by the end of a few years you may not have serious results in that area, but rather you have that aspect locked down in your life, such that you have the right training program in place, sort of automated that you're on the right path to expect great results over 10 years. On the other hand, if you did mean 2 to 4 years say for a chapter to get masterful results or serious results, then wouldn't that be impatient, obsessive, over-working? If the idea is to invest daily, bit by bit, drop by drop, then how can you get great results in a few years? To get such results you'd have to work really hard over those few years. In trying to integrate all this, my current road map is this: Slow steady consistent investing, on a daily basis, a 10 year plan. A 10+ year training program, where I do yoga 30 mins daily for 10 years, a solid meal plan daily for 10 years, etc. and every week I'll be iterating this training program. But also, Im considering this training program as a "base", and I'll also be implementing the life in chapters and phases concept, where I will be focused on one chapter at a time, but I will always have my base. This chapter would be built on this base. So I'll be out socializing on the weekends, pursuing my life purpose on the weekdays, but my chapter is life purpose right now. But even if my chapter is life purpose, I don't abandon my base. I don't abandon my socializing practice on the weekends. I don't abandon my healthy meal plan. And when I'm on my socializing chapter, I still have my base of healthy meal plan, kriya yoga, life purpose, etc. But then how hard do you work during each chapter, if the idea is to do slow steady consistent investing? @Leo Gura or anyone, if you could shine some light on this, how you integrated this, thought about this, any insights, etc. would be greatly appreciated. I've actually been thinking about this for years, integrating this for years, literally, as a top priority. I'm doing pretty good with my training program and mastering it, but would still like clarity on this. I do see the importance of focusing on one goal at a time though. I can attribute a lot of my lack of success to not focusing on one main goal. But then im concerned because a single goal could take a lot longer than I thought, and think maybe I should equally focus on many areas of my life.

Hmm, interesting points to think about. Lol, ironically I put "Strict, Fixed Schedule Training Program" as my number 1 success principle. I never considered that this strictness is bad. I'm going to have to look into this deeper, a pretty new idea to me to be more messy and organic. But I can already sort of see its value. Scary though to abandon some of this strictness.

@integral Yeah I felt that too

I was watching this movie by Tom Hanks, then took a break to look into the actual incident and found this. What's incredible is how he used his intuition, strategy, calculations, best guesses, all his decades of experience to do the impossible, land on the hudson river with all passengers being perfectly fine, while being relatively pretty calm. Honestly really inspirational for the pursuit of mastery. What really struck me, is he talks about how they weren't trained for this ever, how he never had direct experience with this, but how everything just came together to do this impossible task despite never having experience with a water landing. I'm not sure but I think he said it was just discussed in class, that's it.

I've been wanting to take my spiritual practices to a next level by taking kriya yoga seriously, and replacing it with my current meditations, and basically aim to go deeper in spirituality. And at some point in my development I want to take psychedelics. And I've been hearing Leo say from many angles, things along these lines: if you start to deconstruct your reality, some people end up in mental hospitals. Or that some people stop caring about their survival as they go deeper in spirituality. Or that you're trading your current form for a higher form. If all this is true, then how do you survive? is spirituality even worth pursuing if survival is also very important to me? Yet there are many spiritual people who have survival down, to the fine details, like Leo and Sadhguru and others. How do they do it if spirituality contradicts with survival? Would appreciate any insights regarding this. Here's my current ways of thinking about this: I'd imagine taking care of survival even at high levels of spirituality is a conscious choice, and those who care will care, and those who don't, won't. That's a choice, and if I care now, I can care later. Also those who end up in mental hospitals, don't have guidance. They haven't read the books, listened to different perspectives, etc. And when you go to this higher form, your experience of reality just gets re-contextualized. So you kind of have both forms, which allows you to pursue survival as well. Would that be accurate? From one perspective, I'd imagine I'd take care of survival better, because I actually appreciate the beauty of life, the gift of life.

@Leo Gura can kriya yoga take you to true awakening?

where the heck is the full david grusch interview, i dont see it anywhere .. is there possibly a hidden source

Appreciate it I'm glad, was hoping some would I believe it was between the 50 min to 1:10 hour mark, he definitely provided some new insights on OCD there I don't think I'm mature at all, that was a slight boost in maturity in my overall growth So real man, I do admit I let a few or so tears out that day lol when I realize just how much the love of a parent is I agree that problems with the parents are a normal thing, that's comforting to hear.

I woke up this morning, like every Sunday morning, and the first thing I do is check if Leo released a new video. My eyes widened as I saw his new video, and immediately got excited. But I was like "maturity" thats kinda boring. I wanted something more exciting. But I love all of Leo's videos so I knew I had to really pay attention, and I did have a slight inclination this would be beneficial. A bit background, I made an identity out of immaturity. I didn't even know that. Being cool, being wild, not giving a fuck, the list goes on and on. As I was listening, I slowly observed myself getting more and more into the video. Then around the 22 minute mark, not sure exactly, Leo was talking about how when you're born, there's an immediate big shift in maturity in a parent, and how a parent goes through massive sacrifice and maturity. My dad and I have a relationship where we don't talk much. He's very loving though. He always took care of me. He RARELY ever complains, and I complain a lot to him. I get triggered at the little things he does. He's patient with me. Sadly I'm 27. And I'm not like this with everyone. With literally everyone I'm the patient one, I'm calm, kind, etc. but with my dad I hold a lot of resent. Immediately when Leo said these things, I realize how much love my dad gave me. So I'm driving the car at this point, listening to Leo, and turn back around to go home and make things right with my family. My parents literally cook, clean, pay the bills, everything. I avoided all responsibility, and give them shit. It's honestly embarrassing typing all this. But I went home, and started to make commitments with my dad about how I can help in the house, help with the businesses he's doing, cleaning around the house, etc. It wasn't out of compulsion, It was genuine. A realization that I need to step up, take more responsibility, and done with 0 complain in my mind, instant calm realization, effortless. At some point in the day, I'm driving from NJ to Phili to socialize, do approaches. Keep in mind, I'm still at the 22 minute mark. And as I'm driving, after a long time I feel really peaceful, genuinely happy. I had no resistance in doing what needed to be done, the right action, that is socializing. While I was socializing, I was shocked that I had absolutely 0 social anxiety, and held conversations for long, something I've always struggled with. Here's the really shocking thing for me. And you won't really understand until you have OCD. I have been suffering from OCD so much over the years. It feels like every days a war with myself in a sense. I feel like I tried everything, but today, literally all day since Leo's video, I have been incredibly peaceful, a 95% reduction in OCD. And not just for 5 to 10 minutes, but ALL DAY. You have no idea what that feels like. And as I was coming home from phili, I was listening to the rest of Leo's video, and I heard him get to the OCD part, and its weird because my OCD stopped before Leo even mentioned OCD. What I noticed was that living from a place of maturity, acting the principle, AUTOMATICALLY made everything fall into place. It automatically broke the cycle of OCD for a long period. On a more meta level, what's been happening is I've been clinging to immaturity. Glorifying it. Romanticizing it. I noticed that is what everyone around me is doing, literally painting it as a good thing. A lot of music and movies that I looked upto romanticize it. When Leo took me on this trip realization of just how critical maturity is, what happened inside me is a lot of "cycles" broke - cycles of fear, silly emotional games, childish behavior, OCD, etc. I noticed myself becoming more of a man. I actually was always like "being a child is amazing, I have to keep being a child" - id tell myself this constantly, in many ways this broke. These cycles automatically broke. I didn't have to force it, will it, try, nothing. Now I don't know what tomorrow and the future holds, but I'm going to run with this principle of maturity and see where it takes me. Whats weird is even now there's nothing really exciting about this. Yet at the same time I feel a leap in growth already. It's not like this is a glamorous principle, something like courage or fighting a dragon or whatever. But this simple principle holds a lot of power.

I've been through an existential crisis before, for 9 months of like horror. I think I get how you're feeling, obv I don't think yours will last that long lol But damn thats wild that a simple video did that