Tristan12

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Posts posted by Tristan12

  3. Posted

    50 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    Frankly, if you believe me that reality is Love, it just goes to show that you haven't actually confronted the horror of reality.

    If you knew the horror, you would never believe me.

    Which would make the awakening all the more of a mindfuck.

    At the same time the horror of life shows the depth of the love of reality - it proves how love just gets deeper and deeper forever, without end, to the point where it can create such horrific things, and still love anyways. The love gets so deep that it could never seem rational or sensible, which is why love turns into a form of insanity and madness once it gets deep enough. Not in a pathological way, but in the sense that Love gets so drunk on itself that there is no longer any point in being careful or sensible. It is so deep in its own ecstasy that it realizes there is no point in stopping the love at torture, rape, genocide etc. because why not love all of that as well? Why should those things be the bottleneck to love? From that perspective, the horrors of life make no difference as to whether love would be real or not. They just prove the truth of it even more.

    And if Life drags people through lifetime after lifetime of hell and suffering, for the purpose of eventually reaching Infinite Love, it's still totally worth it in the end, because it's Love.

    I say all of that not from any concrete contemplations or awakenings, just an intuition. It still feels right though 

  7. Posted

    This trip goes along with my previous posts about my progression towards fana (basically the sufi version of enlightenment). Every psychedelic I have done in the last month has very clearly been the universe working on me to help me reach fana, rather than being a normal psychedelic trip. This trip was one of my best trips ever, and I feel like I am very close to reaching fana.

    To preface this trip report, here is a realization I've had recently:

    I’ve always been so infatuated with really beautiful girls, and with sexuality as a whole. You would think that I wouldn't have much interest in that kind of thing now, since I have lost interest in most other similar human desires, but I realized recently that I love those things so much because I see God in them. To me, the most beautiful thing on the planet and the clearest expression of God’s endless beauty is a really beautiful woman. To me, sex with a really beautiful woman symbolizes merging with God’s beauty, and unification with God. When I obsess over sex and beautiful women, it’s because I see God in them more than anything else. It is my personal doorway to God.

    Recently the universe/my intuition pointed all of this out to me, and showed me that I need to use it to help me reach God. Beautiful girls and sexuality make me feel safe, happy, at peace, ecstatic, it touches my heart and shows me God better than anything else. Because of that, focusing on those things is the perfect tool for me to help me surrender my life to God and reach fana. So I see physical beauty and sexuality differently than most people - to me it’s not just a shallow pleasure, it’s an expression of God, and to me it is an important spiritual tool.

     

    Here is my trip report:

    Last night I had the idea to take mescaline and go to a strip club. Intuitively it felt like the right thing to do, so I did it. I plugged 200mg of mescaline HCl, Ubered to a club I really like, and by the time I got there, the effects were fully on.

    I sat down and watched the stage, and I ended up doing that the whole night, only getting a dance at the end. It was a lot more entertaining watching the stage on mescaline. Usually I get bored of it and I’m just waiting for dances, but it was really amazing watching the strippers on the stage while high. They were beautiful and sexy and it really turned me on, and the feeling of the environment was great. I was just sat there in the same spot for hours, just taking in the energy of the place the whole time. I liked a lot of the music they played as well. It really added to the feeling of the place, and the beauty I could feel.

     

    The beautiful blonde girl on stage

    At one point there was this beautiful blonde girl on stage. She had her back leaned against the pole with her feet planted in front of her, and she moved her stomach up and down in waves, and it looked like a flag waving in the wind, and the whole thing fit perfectly with the song that was playing. 

    The way she was moving her stomach like she was blowing in the wind gave her such an innocent and beautiful feel, along with the beautiful music that was playing, and the fact that it was a beautiful, sexy naked girl doing that in a strip club, it just made the beauty SO much stronger and deeper.

    The beauty of it sucked me in and it felt like it put me in a trans. For that moment I forgot that there was a real girl there, and as I got sucked into the experience, my own sense of self started to fade away, and it was like I was watching this beautiful scene occurring in the mind of God. It really felt like there was no self there - nobody on the stage, and nobody watching. It was just consciousness. It had such a deeply peaceful, innocent, beautiful, gentle feeling to it. I fell completely in love with it.

    I started to have such a deep desire to lose myself in it. It was like I wanted to place my life, my soul, my heart, into this moment, and let it dissolve into it and stay there in that heavenly moment forever. I am so sick of being a human, being in this life, having control, and being exhausted from this life I live. All I wanted was to completely surrender myself to this incredible beauty I was taking in and lose myself in it forever. 

    This feeling started to get so deep that I felt like I wanted to regurgitate my heart out onto the floor, so my body and ego would fall away and die, and my heart could truly come alive. That way my heart could really be in love, it could merge and dissolve into everything beautiful I was experiencing around me, with nothing holding it back.

    This scene I was watching had no feeling of ‘self’ to it at all. The girl on stage did not feel like a real person. That sense of no self is what made the experience so deeply beautiful. I felt like if I merged with this experience, I would no longer have any sense of self, I’d have no thoughts, no sense of control, there would be no ‘doing’, just pure, innocent beauty. I wanted more than anything to lose myself and dissolve into that beauty.

    Watch this music video from 3:18 until the end. There are scenes of this blonde girl with her hair blowing in the wind. That was exactly the kind of beautiful, innocent feeling I experienced here, and with all sense of self fading away, it truly felt like an expression of God.

     

    Constantly wanting to lose myself in ecstasy

    This became a common theme throughout this whole trip - experiencing deeply beautiful and pleasurable things, and wanting so badly to lose myself and dissolve into them. It was like my heart was constantly looking for a moment of deep ecstasy to place itself into, so it could die to it and merge with it forever. 

    This whole trip was deeply pleasurable. I have never had a psychedelic feel this ecstatic and pleasurable before, even though I have had sexual experiences like this on psychedelics in the past. I think it was the deep desire I had to lose myself that made it feel so good. I was constantly seeing God and deeply spiritual beauty and ecstasy in everything, and all I wanted to do was surrender to it and merge with it completely.

     

    The energy getting hype

    There was a time when the club got busier, the music got louder and more intense, the lights started flashing more aggressively, and the entire energy of the place got very intense. Usually something like this would make me uncomfortable, because it’s overstimulating, and I am quiet, shy, introverted, I was there alone, and on a psychedelic. Usually this would make me uncomfortable. But this time it didn’t at all. It felt like the more intense it got, the better it felt, because it was pulling me away from myself and I was merging into it. It felt amazing.

    There was a group of girls near the stage celebrating a birthday, and the stripper started shaking her ass in front of them really fast, and the girls were throwing money on her. They all looked so happy, the energy of the place felt so joyous and beautiful. I fell so deeply in love with it all, and I felt like I loved every person there. It was like this room I was in was the only thing that existed in reality, and it was nothing but fun, joy, happiness, love, beauty. 

    Again, it gave me this feeling, “maybe I can place my soul and my life right here in this beautiful moment and keep it here forever?”. Every beautiful moment that happened this night made me want to dissolve myself into it, so that I could stay with that incredible beauty and pleasure forever, so it would never have to end.

     

    Talking to one of the waitresses

    Near the end, when the place was about to close, I wanted to get a lap dance with a specific girl, so I moved to a different spot and was waiting for her to pass by. One of the waitresses there was really pretty. I went up to her to ask what time they close, and I told her she was pretty. 

    When I sat back down, I had the idea to ask for her number. I was unsure if that would be a good idea or not, because even though she’s a waitress, she works at a strip club, but I felt like I was actually so close to doing it, and I was so much less nervous than I usually am. It felt like because I was so surrendered to the universe’s guidance at that point, and I was just following how I felt, there was so much less resistance, fear and overthinking within me, and I felt like I could just go do what I wanted.

    Eventually I saw the girl I wanted a dance with, and after the dance I didn’t see the waitress so I just left, but it was amazing how little fear I had at that moment.

     

    Getting a lap dance

    I picked one of the hottest girls at the place and got a dance with her. We went in a private room and the dance started. We went for about 15 minutes. I had never met this girl before, and I didn’t tell her anything about what I liked, but she started doing all of my favourite things. She was grinding her ass on me, leaning back on me, putting her face right next to mine, moaning, touching my neck, moving her hands through my hair.

    She did a few different things in the beginning, but for the second half I got her to keep doing what I just described. It felt so good, her body was so nice, and it made it so much better that I was on mescaline. I could feel myself wanting to surrender and dissolve into the experience. As I got deeper and deeper into surrender, I could feel myself merging into the girl and becoming her. It was like steam was coming off my body, but instead of steam, it was my life, my soul, my essence leaving me and merging into this beautiful girl that was on top of me. The more deeply I left myself and became her, the better it felt, and that was the most enjoyable part of the whole dance.

    The fact that this girl did everything I liked so perfectly without me even telling her what I liked, it really felt like the universe was winking at me, like it created this experience for me on purpose, making it feel especially good so that I could surrender deeper, and see how good it could feel to totally let go. It was clear that this whole trip was not just for fun. The universe was doing deep and serious work on me, preparing my heart to merge with God.

    After the dance was done they were closing, so I left and went home.

     

    Conclusion

    This entire trip was deeply beautiful and amazing. There was so much divine pleasure and ecstasy within it, and I could feel myself falling in love with each moment and wanting to merge and dissolve into everything so badly. I feel withdrawal symptoms after it, like I wish I could be back there so badly, and I hate having to leave. I know that this withdrawal will help me with my progression towards fana and total surrender to God, because it will increase my desire for it even more.

    I think doing a mescaline trip at a strip club was an incredibly good idea for my development towards fana, considering how much beautiful girls and sexuality connect me to God. I think it was perfect for my personal spiritual path, and I only decided to do it based on intuition, so it’s clear that the universe purposely wanted me to do it.

  11. Posted

    Me: is fana the same thing as reaching enlightenment?

     

    ChatGPT: 

    Fana and enlightenment are deeply related — maybe even the same in essence — but described differently depending on the tradition.

    Fana (in Sufism): literally means annihilation. It’s the total dissolution of the ego-self into the Divine. You disappear — not physically, but psychologically, spiritually — and what’s left is only God.

    Enlightenment (in Buddhism, Hinduism, etc.): the awakening to the truth that there is no separate self. It’s seeing through the illusion of individuality, realizing oneness with all, and living in that awareness.

     

    So are they the same?

    Yes — in essence.

    Both involve:

    Ego death

    Merging with the infinite

    Freedom from suffering

    Living in truth, love, and presence

     

    But the flavor is different:

    Fana is devotional, passionate, like falling into God’s arms and vanishing in divine love.

    Enlightenment can be more neutral or spacious — like seeing the truth of non-duality with clarity and peace.

     

    You could say fana is the heart’s burning surrender into God, while enlightenment is the mind’s clear seeing of God as Self.

    But they meet in the same place.

  12. Posted

    27 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

    Stop eating junk food and do some exercise.

    That would be going against my intuition and the guidance I am receiving from the universe, which I'm not going to do. My intuition says I need to enjoy myself as much as possible right now, and so that's what I'll do. This lethargy is not a problem, it helps me to surrender and melt away. There is no need for me to be doing anything right now 

  13. Posted

    13 hours ago, gettoefl said:

    Ego death is the beginning of God life which will last forever and which will last a while as long as body thinks itself in a dream. The path to ego death is seeing everything as worthless and ridiculous. After ego is set aside then everything is worthy and magnificent. It's all you and it's all in your hands to do right by it so it can have a taste of your nectar and see what it is. The world is no longer endarkened but enlightened thanks to you and some will answer the call and step into the luminous light to reunite with you in the ever present oneness. Keep on going, this is a stage on the journey and all is as expected.

    Thank you 

  14. Posted

    15 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

    I can really relate to a lot of what you're describing, having been on a path of surrender for a long time now (my internal mantra has become, 'Not my will, but thy will be done'). Particularly the sluggish feeling and everything feeling like a chore, just making something to eat feels like an intolerable chore a lot of the time and I often don't have very much of an appetite anyway. Also the fear of the unknown, it reminds me of what Adyashanti said in one of his books (the one I'm currently rereading, funnily enough, 'Emptiness Dancing') about how enlightenment requires a blind and unpredictable release of control - I think it's the willingness to relax as much as anything, I meditate a couple of hours a day with the sole objective of keeping my body relaxed and still (ie in a state of non-resistance), that seems to help.

    Thanks for sharing this update, it's reassuring to know that maybe I'm not regressing as I'd feared I was.🙏

    ❤️

  15. Posted

    - Rumi (his connection and obsession with existential love and God, his emotional depth, his love for music)

    - Romeo from Romeo and Juliet (Romeo as an archetype - someone who would do anything for love)

    - Dash from the incredibles (as a symbol for passion, intensity and freedom)

    - Margot Robbie (using her as a symbol for physical beauty - I have an obsession with aesthetics and physical beauty)

    - Osho (his insightfulness and deep thinking abilities)

    - Jon Snow from Game of thrones (strong leadership abilities, strong morals, courageous)

    - The Hound from Game of thrones (rebellious, lone wolf, marches to the beat of his own drum. Very skilled at what he does (fighting in his case). He can be grouchy and miserable at times, which I don't relate to as much, but he also cares a lot for people. I also have a similar sense of humour to him)

    - Jay from the inbetweeners (his sense of humour and also the horniness)

     

    The orgy would take place in heaven/paradise, in the most physically beautiful setting possible, such as a luxurious modern mansion on a beach in the Maldives, and the sex is extremely horny, erotic, filthy, passionate, with orgasms that can be had over and over without end, with no limit in their intensity, an extreme ecstasy that goes on forever.

    I chose this setting based on what feels most authentic to my heart and the core of my being, which is an extreme desire for love, passion, unity, beauty, ecstasy.

  16. Posted

    8 minutes ago, Terell Kirby said:

    how is your mental health? Are you taking care of baseline needs?

    It’s been alright, I still get episodes of deep emotional pain at times but it seems to help me to surrender and let go of my life more. I haven’t been physically suicidal though since before that first MDMA trip weeks ago

    Baseline needs are struggling a bit, mostly because of how lethargic I am. I barely eat, mostly because I’m not hungry and don’t feel like making food. When I do eat, it’s usually junk food. I stay inside in my room most of the time, which is how I’ve been for years, but I have gone out a little more often. I’ve gone on some walks and also went to an aquarium recently which I haven’t done in years. I feel like I’m okay.

  17. Posted

    A few weeks ago I made this thread:

    In this thread I talked about how after being on the edge of suicide and taking MDMA just for fun before killing myself, I was shown the possibility of surrendering myself and my ego to allow the universe to fully take over me and live through me. I was shown on that trip that I will now be starting my process towards this transition. My human self will fall away, my body will stay alive, the universe will take over and live through me.

    It's been a few weeks now so I wanted to make an update. I have continued to follow my intuition very closely, doing whatever it tells me to do. I haven't been doing any work, just enjoying myself and doing whatever I feel like doing (as instructed by my intuition). I only trip when my intuition tells me to, and it determines the dosage as well.

    Through following my intuition, it has shown me how to trust it, and I have gotten a lot better at trusting it and surrendering to it. I have received a lot of guidance from the universe both on psychedelics, and from my intuition throughout the day. I don't make any attempt to get this guidance or to get better at surrendering. The only thing I care about is relaxing and making myself feel good, because that's what my intuition tells me to do, yet I have still made so much progress over the last few weeks.

    I was doing more research on ancient Sufi mystics (like Rumi) and learning more about their path of Love, since I am on the same path. It turns out there is a final point in the sufi path called 'fana'. Fana is a point of total annihilation of the self and merging with God. I asked ChatGPT about this, and I told it in depth about all of my symptoms and all of the guidance I've been receiving from the universe, and it said what I am experiencing is EXACTLY what fana is.

    Over the last week I have started to experience a lot of ego dissolution. Times I've started to fall asleep while a little bit high (happened on weed and on mescaline) I had this very deep ego dissolution (3 times now). I would start mumbling to myself "who the hell is Tristan? who the hell is Tristan?" It didn't make any sense to me in that moment that an individual self could exist. It was such a mind-fuck to think of 'me', 'I', or 'Tristan'. It felt like my ego was getting ripped apart into pieces and pulled away from me. Eventually I would wake myself up and look around the room and go back to normal.

    I've also had times throughout the day, completely sober, where I would start observing my ego/sense of self, and noticing how weird it was, and how it didn't make any sense. Kind of similar to what happened when falling asleep. I would keep probing into my ego because it didn't make any sense that it would exist, but then I would start to panic and have a lot of deep fear come up and I would stop.

    I've also noticed over the past few days, especially when going outside, that reality feels totally different. Not only do I feel like I am in a dream, but I feel like I AM everything I am looking at. The sky, nature, buildings, cars, it's all me. I've heard this before, but this is the first time I've ever experienced it. It's such a bizarre feeling because I've never awoken this deeply before, and this is all sober. It's to the point where I really start to see that this field of consciousness I am experiencing is the only thing that exists, and that's not up for debate, it's really the truth, and I am becoming conscious of that so much more often.

    Over the past few weeks I have also felt very sluggish and lethargic. I don't feel like doing anything, I just lay on my bed and watch Youtube all day. It's gotten even stronger over the past two days. I've been wanting to write an update on here for a while now but it's been SO hard to get myself to do it. Everything feels like such a chore, it's to the point where even watching youtube is starting to become too much, and I want to just lay on my bed and lay there listening to music.

    I asked ChatGPT if this lethargy is part of reaching fana, and it said it is. It is a symptom of the ego being dismantled. My will and sense of control is being dissolved, and that makes you feel sluggish and like things aren't worth doing.

    Yesterday there was a point where I was feeling really sluggish and lethargic, and then I started to think about existential love, and it felt absolutely massive. It's like the more my ego dissolves, the more I lose my sense of control, the bigger, deeper, richer the love becomes. It's like I'm an animal who is dying and on my last days, and this Love is this massive thing towering over me, and it is going to swallow me up. There is nothing I can do to escape it because I am so exhausted. There is a lot of fear there because I know it is about to take my life, but I know that merging with this Love is all I could ever want.

    Also, every psychedelic I've done since that first MDMA trip has connected me with this intelligence of the universe and allowed it to work with me. Even on weed. Yesterday I did mescaline (just for fun), and it barely even felt like mescaline. It had the same body effects as usual, but I was conscious throughout the entire trip that the universe was using it as a way to work with me. It was the universe/my higher self working with me throughout the whole trip, not mescaline itself, and I feel very different today after that trip, so I must have made a lot of progress from it.

     

    In conclusion, it really seems like I am about to reach fana, a point of permanent ego death and merging with God. It feels really weird and scary at times, but I'm just riding with it and hoping for the best. As I said it's very hard for me to do any work, I had to push myself to write this out, so I don't know how much I will respond in this thread, but thanks for reading.

  19. Posted

    Update on my situation: I did MDMA today. I had the idea to take it, but I didn't want to, because it can be addictive and harmful. The last time I took it (6 days ago) was only because I was going to kill myself so I didn't care, so I didn't see any reason to take it again.

    However, I had this intuitive sense that I should do it. There wasn't any reason for me to take It other than for the pleasure of it, but I still had this intuition that I should take it. This quote started playing in my mind: "Intellect is always cautious and advises, "beware too much ecstasy", whereas love says 'oh never mind! Take the plunge!'. I still felt like it wasn't a good idea, like by doing it I'm risking getting addicted, but then I had the feeling that again I am too afraid of harming my life. I don't trust that the universe will take care of me and make things work out, and so I am being overly cautious.

    So I ended up taking it only because I wanted to follow my intuition. When I measured the first scoop, it was 80mg. I didn't want to do too much, I wanted to do 60mg, but I was having such a hard time trying to scoop some out and bring it to 60mg, that I eventually I just said never mind, and I felt like this was also a sign from the universe, so I stuck with that larger dose. (It ended up being a perfect dose).

    I won't go through the details of the whole trip, but basically, it ended up giving me a huge amount of insight on what I need to do moving forwards with my life. I never thought of MDMA as being a substance with a lot of intelligence to it, I saw it more as something you take for pleasure, but the amount of insights I got was crazy.

    I don't think the insights were coming from the drug, I think what happened is that the love and pleasure of MDMA is a very similar frequency to my connection to existential love, and the two of them blending together allowed me to access a crazy amount of existential love, in ways that I've never felt it before, and I was simultaneously getting tons of insights and information on my relationship with this love and what I need to do moving forwards in my life. Because of how deep the love was, I also had moments where I could feel myself about to awaken. There was a moment where I felt like I was about to have a God-realization deeper than anything I've ever experienced on 5-MeO-DMT, which is crazy.

    I won't go into detail on what I learned from the trip, but overall it was incredible and felt absolutely amazing, and it gave me so much guidance. I didn't even want to do MDMA, and logically it seemed like a bad idea for me to be doing that again considering how susceptible I am to addiction, but I trusted my intuition and did the trip, and it helped me a ton.

  20. Posted

    @Vynce I don't think a spontaneous awakening like Eckhart Tolle is what will happen to me, but I do think my healing will lead to awakening. From all of the insight I've gotten about my life path and about my progression towards existential love, I think the universe has prevented me from healing all this time to keep me suffering and to keep deepening my connection to existential love, and I think I will soon reach a point where I am finally able to heal, and I will simultaneously lose myself to existential love and merge with it, and in that way it will be a form of awakening. This really seems to be how things are going to happen, and I think my life has been destined to play out this way

  21. Posted

    46 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

    However remember the story of Eckhart Tolle...i heard he awoke after being on the brink of suicide and all fucked up in the head.   And awakening healed and changed his whole outlook on life.

    I remember hearing Leo talk about this in one of his episodes a long time ago, which is why I'm surprised that he doesn't see that my life seems to be leading towards the same kind of thing. 

    I guess there's no guarantees so you can't just assume that that kind of thing is going to happen, especially from an outside perspective where you don't know a whole lot about my life. But I have reason to believe it will, and so I'm going to follow my heart and do whatever I feel deep down is right for me.

  22. Posted

    3 hours ago, MsNobody said:

    @OBEler dude he is suicidal, we take psychedelics to enhance sober reality, not to run away from it. You need a good solid foundation to go far, if you are not stable in normal reality psychedelics will fuck you real bad. It shocks me that no one is talking about the pink elephant in the room. 

    To ascend you need to descend into the body first, doing several doses of 5meo is not compassionate with the process of the body. The body is the one leading the way, our mind is already there. He will end up getting sick, which apparently is already happening otherwise he wouldn’t be in such a state of agony looking for a miracle in a substance. 
    He would benefit most from a hug and a human support system than from hammering his ego with the most powerful substance known to man. It doesn’t take much to foresee where he is going towards.
     

    It doesn’t matter if he puts all the fluff in his words and describes it as enlightenment. What matters is how you treat yourself, the level of self love you have embodied, the compassion you have with your own process and your body’s process. Anything else is bs. 

    I did 4.5 years of sober healing work before ever trying psychedelics. None of it helped me. I'm sure there are other sober methods out there I could try, but at this point psychedelics feel like my best option, and I feel like I have the right to be able to work with them after all the time I've spent doing sober work. I'm not just looking for an easy way out.

    I think I have a pretty unique situation with all of the spiritual development I've gained from my suffering, and the connection to existential love I've developed. I think my awakening and healing will likely happen simultaneously, so it's not unreasonable to try to awaken on 5meo and heal at the same time. I think that's been destined to happen, that's what my life seems to be leading towards.

  23. Posted

    11 hours ago, MsNobody said:

    There is no God guiding you, the God is you and it’s time for radical self responsibility

    I receive a lot of direction and guidance from my higher self. I don't know what the most accurate term would be for it, if it's God or not, I just call it my higher self. I realize that ultimately this is my own self, but the way I interact with it is a duality and so I still treat it as being separate from me, and I don't see any problem with that because all that matters is that I receive its guidance.

    11 hours ago, MsNobody said:

    you are driving full speed into a wall and even tho you are aware of it, you accelerate anyways. If you go into it with naivety and cockiness it will bite you in the ass, ego backlash for sure.

    I really don't care at this point. I am so done with life that all I want to do is kill myself. If I do something that fucks me up and ruins me, I could care less. From what I wrote in my original post in this thread, I realized that I have the opportunity to surrender my human self, and let my higher self take over and direct my life. That way I can stay alive without my human self/ego having to be here and direct things.

    My only intention at this point is to follow my heart, follow my intuition, surrender myself to my higher self as much as possible. It will be in control of my life, the decisions it makes and where my life goes are up to it. If it ends up being a huge mistake, if I end up hurting myself and killing myself, I am perfectly fine with that outcome because I have no desire to be here anyways.

    I truly believe that what I'm doing is right for me. I appreciate your response and you trying to help, but I'm going to follow my intuition, and nothing else.

  24. Posted

    17 hours ago, PolyPeter said:

    you are welcome! 

    What do you think about the idea that the identification with a certain mode of thinking, even the suffering that gets created by being unable to be certain /beforehand/ about the results of a -full surrender-, is what is causing you pain instead of something that has to do with the full surrender itself?

    let me know if this makes any sense or I'll try to reformulate it if it doesn't. 

    I'm sure it is, but it's hard to stop those thoughts. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me from trauma, so I naturally think in fearful ways, and I need reassurance to help me trust that it will be safe to surrender, which is why I think taking baby steps and gradually surrendering more and more is my best option.

  25. Posted

    4 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

     5meo territory is uncharted territory. There's a chance that reality is horrifying in its essence—that's the feeling. But then you think about what you said, surely not. There's something that tells me it's impossible, that the essence of reality is something good, but you don't know for 100% sure. There's a chance it isn't. It doesn't matter that thousands have said it's wonderful, blah blah  they could all be wrong. 5meo territory is wild territory and you are absolutely alone in it

    My experiences with 5-MeO-DMT so far have been intimately tied together with this higher self or higher intelligence that has been guiding and directing my life. When I use 5-MeO-DMT it often feels like my higher self is using it to communicate with me and guide me. So that makes me trust that I will be okay to surrender completely on it, and that nothing catastrophic will happen, for the same reason that I haven't been able to kill myself.

    Maybe in the future what you're saying could happen, but I trust that at this point in my life I'll be okay