soos_mite_ah

Key Take Aways Part 2 I really liked this video and how it explains how learning additional theory and how going back to school and getting additional degrees can be rooted in insecurity and passivity when it comes to stepping into adulthood. It is something that I recently grappled with and it's a trap that I notice that some people around me fall into. I know a lot of people who decided to go to grad school, not because they know it's going to be a stepping stone for where they want to go, rather it was because they were too afraid to go into the workforce since they feel like they weren't adequately prepared. It's essentially a way of putting off moving into the next stage of their lives because it's scary and unknown. I also feel like a lot of brown parents fall into the trap of enabling this form of thinking because of how positively they view education. Don't get me wrong, I think that mindset is incredibly important especially when you want to raise your kids and instill this notion of life long learning. But I think where problems really arise is when they put so much weight on getting into a prestigious school or doing some advanced degree to where they don't look at the practicality, the feasibility, and the healthiness of the situation. For example, my mom really wants me to get my masters and PhD before going into the workforce because she wasn't me to be a doctor and because med school is simply not an option for me. She also thinks that not going straight to more school after my undergrad is going to cause me to get distracted and once I work a few years I won't want to go back to school. I don't think this is a good decision for me. I don't know what kind of grad studies I might want to do since I don't have a clear career path yet. I don't want to spend a ton of money and time on something that might not be worthwhile for me and my path. And I don't want to delay being an adult (though I'm tempted to do so) because I am afraid of what is ahead. There is this part of me that pops up every now and then where I'm just like *why couldn't I just want to be a doctor, a lawyer, or a professor like a lot of my peers, because you know, 8 years of med school doesn't sound so bad. I just had to be a fucking free spirit didn't I* Because if you're in med school or a doctoral program for 8 years, you know what you're doing with your life during that time. But if you decide to start your career and switch jobs and positions every now and then to figure out what you're going to do, that's going to be a messier, more existential crisis inducing process. And as much as I want to know what exactly I'm doing with my life for the next few years and not switch things up, I know that isn't the best option for me and what I want to do with my life. I don't have too many personal experiences come up for me at this time as it relates to this video. But I do think it's important to see how love and looking out for your best interest or the best interest of others can get complicated because they don't always align cleanly. I think keeping this in mind can help deal with a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Because what we do and don't do sometimes are totally independent of whether we love someone or not. Basically, it's important to question your conclusions and knee jerk reactions because you might be attributing meaning where there isn't any. And instead, you need to put into a lot of effort in understanding where the other person is coming from as well as where you are coming from to effectively communicate and build trust. Sometimes it's more important to understand someone instead of simply loving them though most of the time they go hand in hand. Love isn't fully selfless in the way that it sacrifices your best interests and needs for the other person rather love is about honoring your interests and needs as well as taking the other person's interests and needs as your own, therefore creating a sense of unity in what is best for both of yall. I would say that this video mainly talks about the dangers of compromising your boundaries and how that can erode a relationship, build resentment, and cause a lack of fulfillment. I personally feel that compromising is for small, almost insignificant things (like whether or not you should get the blue or white curtains or how many throw pillow you want) but not for things like your values, your career, your over all lifestyle etc. The video goes into how differences in these things are simply incompatibility and how you should accept that and move on instead of digging your heels in more and changing yourself (or worse, expecting the other person to change) to "make it work." Compromise doesn't often lead to fulfillment. Compromise was created to keep incompatible people in a relationship for a long period of time because back then "successful" relationships were defined as ones that lasted the longest, not the ones that were the healthiest.

Key Take Aways Part 1 I have been watching a few videos here and there I think there is some insightful things that I have found. I just want to note them down for future reference and just to reflect for a bit. I re-watched this video like 3 times because I feel like I am getting a lot of value from this. 7:20 - Dr. K basically talks about how sometimes things are harder to handle not because there is anything internally going on with you but because your circumstances aren't conducive to what you are trying to achieve. I find myself resonating with this to a certain extent due to the environment I have been in in the last few years. And I think it's important to acknowledge because I do have a tendency to internalize some things that are beyond my control. 22:30- Here, Anne starts talking about why there is this wall that is up and how that contributes to how it's difficult to make friends. She talks about how there are people who think that she's really cool and interesting but then for some reason they are simply not friends with her. And as a result, sometimes people put her on a pedestal which prevents that connection from happening because she appears unapproachable. I find myself relating to this a lot when it comes to my issues with competence which I have journaled about a lot in the past. I don't find myself having as many issues regarding that since addressing it but I still feel like this has been a recent enough experience to where I feel like I can still relate to this and that it's good to be mindful about. 27:45- Anne talks about how creating friendships is something that she has done before and she knows that she can do it but sometimes she thinks that the reason why she is having issues with making friends is because she isn't trying hard enough. She also mentions that whenever she feels like something isn't reciprocal that this causes her to back away from others since she doesn't want to be overbearing. Dr. K talks about on how taking a step forward and taking a step back points to a point of resistance that might be blocking her. He then asks if Anne ever had an experience of whether she chased someone but it wasn't reciprocated. Anne talks about how basically how in college she had a lot of acquaintances but she never felt like she was part of the core group that would hang out with each other. Basically, she was the outsider. She then moves on to talking about her family situation and how that also contributes to feeling like an outsider and how this is a common theme. I did reflect on being an outsider and not being a priority to people in this post a few days ago: To expand on this since I did focus on this aspect of my life romantically, I think especially in this school, as a woman of color and as a leftist in a conservative PWI, that feeling of being an outsider and knowing that people are going to be side eyeing me if I were to talk about my views. It has caused me to try to be more tactful with the way that I deal with people and have really good boundaries but it has also come at the cost of me being fully expressive. They also talk about a lot of this around the 1:00:00 mark and how not chasing after people is a way of coping with feeling like you aren't wanted. Anne then mentions on how she has learned to be independent and how to be by herself to respond to this. Then Dr. K chimes in and talks about how the brain uses the tool that works the best and that tool improves the practice. When people have a strength, that's what they tend to default to in order to get through difficult situations which in turn makes the strengths stronger. However this makes things difficult if that strength is maladaptive to the situation. They also start talking about being annoying, bothering people, and how people might react to taking steps forward to creating a friendship . I think the whole strengthening a skill that isn't helping my situation is where I'm at. I'm really good at being alone and doing things myself but that's not the skill set that would enable me to reach out to make quality friendships. I'm planning on journaling about this more in a separate post to avoid getting side tracked. 52:10- Dr. K talks about having an internal and external locus of control. I'm not going even summarize this part because I think it's important to watch it for what it is since I can't do it justice lol. But as far as my reflections go, I do have a tendency to resort to an internal locus of control and for me and my situation, switching my perspective to the external locus of control is what would help me the most.

I also agree with much of this. There is a bias towards extroversion in the west but it's just that, a bias. I remember reading somewhere that some cultures have a bias towards introversion where they tend to see extroverts as people who lack discipline and impulse control and as a result tend to be less responsible sn more explosive. But yeah introvert =/= shy or antisocial. Most of the introverts in my life (myself included) tend to still be social and able to keep up with quality relationships. The only difference I would say between my introverted friends and my extroverted friends are simply how we recreate. I have a couple of acquaintances who love going to raves but they and I know damn well that this isnt a place to drag me into because I wont be having fun in that setting lol. I also agree with how developing social skills, humor, and confidence isnt turning yourself into an extrovert. Again, that is that extrovert bias that comes into play again because it's quite obvious that extroverts dont have a monopoly on these traits. However, where I would differ is to say that extroverts have an easier time developing these traits. Introverts just often have a different way of going about developing these traits. Some of the funniest people I know lean on the quieter side. They have their own style of humor that reflects their authentic perspective. I know a lot of confident and socially adept people who are also really quiet and much of their confidence and ability to socialize comes from things like empathizing and listening really well and not feeling this need to seek validation. And because they know and understand themselves as well as others, they also have no problem being assertive and setting boundaries as necessary. Things like humor, confidence, and social skills can look different on introverts and that is perfectly fine. Not only is it fine, its necessary because it would really suck if everyone had the same qualities and skills. The thing is that it's important to work with yourself to improve yourself instead of working against yourself.

If you feel like you have a lot of blocks with your sense of confidence and valuing yourself, maybe in addition to going out, contemplating, talking to someone, or getting a therapist might also be helpful. Why brute force over blocks constantly when you can remove them at the source? Because imo, introversion isn't a problem. We need introverts in social settings or else things would get chaotic and people wont be listened to if everyone felt the need to be outgoing. Insecurity is the main issue imo and it's important to acknowledge that because you want to diagnose the problem correctly if you want a good, effective solution. The other reason I stress this is because I think it could potentially be counter productive to go against a large part of who you are and that can come at odds with your sense of authenticity. And sacrificing what makes you unique isn't going to help in social situations to really connect with people. Not to mention, it's also incredibly exhausting to keep up an image that might not even resonate with you in the slightest. There is so much resistance that would be involved and I feel that this is one of those situations that brute forcing it and making yourself go out every weekend for hours might erode you more than it might help you. This would especially be the case since as an introvert, it's likely that you get your energy when you're by yourself. And I also think in order to really value yourself, you also need to value who you are and what your needs and boundaries are rather than morphing yourself into something you're just not.

I don't even think we're on the same page when it comes to what is being discussed so I apologize for asking too many questions but I'm trying to figure out where you're coming from. How would you define being a loser in dating? What exactly do you think I mean when I say you should focus on being authentic and confidence and how do you think I think a person should go about it? What would you recommend to the 5ft3 Asian with poor social skills? Where do you see me as triggered? And also, some shit isn't dishonest, it's just plain wrong. And sometimes people often use "honesty" as an excuse to be an asshole.

I'm also sure that in a country of over a billion people that there will be some people who will find that brown guy attractive inside and out. That's not to say that this person won't deal with racism (which lets be real is basically guaranteed tbh), but you can acknowledge the reality and not have it devolve into self hatred, apathy, and low self esteem. Part of learning how to date is cancelling people out and knowing your worth so you don't settle for terrible treatment. It isn't adopting a defeatist attitude. And a large part of learning how to date and avoiding people who aren't good for you so you have quality experiences is to have a good sense of self esteem, boundaries, and not feel the need to conform to what everyone else wants you to be so you can maintain your sense of authenticity. And things like authenticity and confidence are some of the most attractive qualities you can create in yourself. That is ridiculous. There are 7 billion people in the world. There is a good chance that I can find people that I am genuinely compatible and respects. This attitude that you're talking about reeks scarcity mindset and scare tactics.

I'm not saying burying your head in the sand and ignoring these inequalities is the answer. It isn't and if anything that will do more harm. People have different struggles and issues in dating especially when race and backgrounds are considered and it's unfair to say otherwise. What I am saying is that people need to build a healthier self esteem by dealing with the issues they have come across by altering their self esteem. Not by doubling down on their limiting beliefs. Honestly, why would you want to win in a game where the prize isn't even worth it? What's the point of trying to appeal to people who aren't going to see your worth or give you basic respect? Instead of trying to change up yourself to appeal to these people, go where you are accepted and where you are less likely to deal with this sort of thing. I've had men literally tell me to my face that they think I'm ugly and that they only date white women. That shit made me cry when I was 12 but at this point I'm just like *the trash took itself out and I dodged a bullet.* I agree with @FlyingLotus on this one: That is literally hyperfeminization which is a form of fetishization That is hypermasculination which is another form of fetishization. Didn't you make a post not too long ago about racism in dating and how the black men in every person questioned was rated as the least attractive? You're so close to seeing the problem. Fetishization isn't a good thing and isn't something that makes you look "higher value." It's the opposite in that it leads to more dehumanization and violence against the communities they fetishize.

@Raptorsin7 Ok thank you for clarifying that term. I just wanted to have an idea of what I was dealing with before sharing my perspective since I do have thoughts on this subject. Is this actually a fact or is it an opinion (I know you said perceived but still) ? Because Asian men "having less value" inherently isn't something that can proven rather the attitude is based on a shit ton of racial biases. Yes, these opinions do in fact affect the way you are treated and that can be statistically proven, but I'm rather worried that seeing Asian men as having less sexual market value and trying to accept that would further enable Asian men to internalize their self hatred instead of helping them dismantle it. What do you think about that? Don't get me wrong, I think it's important to acknowledge how things like racism can impact dating (I have my fair share of personal experiences) but these experiences aren't to internalize rather it is important to deconstruct these things by understanding where those biases come from and by understanding that there is nothing wrong with you. Ok I'm not sure about the 1/5 Asian men will procreate statistic. I would really look into the sources for this because this seems like utter bs. As for 50% of asian women in the west will marry a white guy, I don't know about white specifically but I know that both Asian men and women have the highest rates of interracial marriage. Sure a small percentage is due to internalized self hatred taken out on the opposite sex but I think a lot of it has to do with population sizes. As an South Asian woman in the U.S., if I were to limit myself to only dating other South Asian men, I'm limiting myself to 2% of the U.S. population. If we are going by population alone, there is a 98% chance that I will be in an interracial marriage. I've told this to my parents as well, the odds of me marrying a brown guy isn't exactly in my favor. I don't about know this John Elite guy based on the stats that you spelled out but I do think it's a good idea that you are looking to people who have similar experiences as you and who does understand the unique issues that Asian men would have to face. Is it the "harsh reality" or are you using masochistic epistemology and digital self harm? Contrapoints has a really good video on this and I have written about this in my journal as well if you're wondering what this even means and how it relates to anything we're talking about: SMV, from what I'm getting, sounds like a very weird way of packaging things like racism, sexism, fatphobia, and eugenics . I think you also need to redefine what it means to be and seek a high value partner. From my observation, the quality of a person's dating advice usually can be seen as what they perceive to be high value. And not to mention, putting people in this scale of "market value" sounds incredibly dehumanizing for a person's view on oneself and their view on other people. So dehumanizing to where if would cancel out any hopes of actually connecting with people and moving forward with a solid sense of self esteem and confidence. You are literally viewing yourself and others as objects rather than actual human beings.

@Raptorsin7 how do you describe sexual market value?

@Raptorsin7 what is smv and ir?

I noticed myself going into this doomer mentality in the last couple of weeks because of the pandemic, the new variant, people not getting vaccinated, climate change, abortion laws, pulling out from Afghanistan, dealing with worsening wealth inequality and just the general chaos that's ensuing in the world. At this point, I have little to no idea what I'm doing with my life and how shit is going to pan out because how unpredictable and bizarre everything is. I feel like I'm stuck in a liminal state both personally in my life as well as collectively as far as history is being considered. This shit is just dragging on and doesn't have many signs of things getting better. Like I'm not even panicked at this point, I'm just exhausted. And the worst part is, we know how to deal with most of these situations. We know what we can do fix climate change. We know ways we can mitigate wealth inequality. We know how to get through this pandemic. It's just that people aren't cooperating and coordinating (for starters, idk, people in the U.S. could take the damn vaccine!?!?!?) and it's kind of exhausting when you try to take care of things on your end only for shit to backfire on you because other people didn't do their part. Normally, I cope with this by avoiding the news and certain content and instead focusing on my own life but lately it's been getting to me. Especially given the fact that I'm in a place with a lot of COVID deniers and people who refuse to take the vaccine. I'm reminded everyday about this shit.

You shouldn't be doing this type of thing period in a work environment. This isn't just some awkward kiss, it's a violation of professional boundaries. And lets' not label this type of thing as "autistic male behavior." I know people with autism and while they maybe a little awkward, they still get basic empathy, social conventions, and boundaries.

Obsessions I don't like to admit this because I'm afraid that this is going to come off as obsessive (which if I'm going to be real it is) but whenever I do like someone, they do tend to occupy a lot of space in my mind. Like I enjoy making these fake romantic or sexual scenarios in my head that I switch to when I'm tired or bored throughout my day as a way of giving myself a sense of comfort and excitement. And if I have some type of relationship with this person (usually on a personal or acquaintance level), if I'm not thinking about a fake scenario, I'm usually thinking about our last interaction or how this person might be doing. I remember one time I was talking to one of my friends about this guy that I liked. I remember prefacing what I was about to say with "I know I talk about him a lot and I'm sorry for boring you to death" while laughing. This friend responded with "you really don't talk about him all that much. You probably brought him up with me probably one other time." I remember replying with "I guess it feels like I talk about him a lot since I do think about him a lot." I guess I'm really cognizant of any outwardly creepy tendencies I have of someone. Like I wouldn't dare incidentally stalk someone (i.e. conveniently show up in places I know they will be passively as if it's a part of my routine as well) though I am tempted to at times. I try not to stare at people and if I'm tempted to do so I just steal a couple of quick glances and nothing more. The last thing I want is for someone to feel like they are being preyed on. Like, I get it's natural to want to be around people you like and look at them but I do want to remain mindful of how it can impact that person. I also know how some girls do this really weird thing where they try to act like they are taking a picture of themselves or a friend when really they are trying to take a picture of a cute stranger in the background just so they can talk about said stranger amongst themselves. I remember I had this friend in high school who was really attracted to one of her teachers. Tbh, I wasn't super interested in this topic because I have no idea what this man looked like and why tf so many girls were obsessing over it. I was also asexual at the time so there is that lol. I remember one time after talking about this guy my friend was like *hey this time I got a picture of him, I was acting like I was taking a picture of the board and conveniently got a picture of him too on the side.* I immediately told this girl that what she was doing was creepy af. Another time in college, the roles were reversed and I found myself catching feelings for one of my teachers. I was talking about this with my friend at the time and she was like *now I'm curious as to what this guy looks like so I can have more context for the situation* and she suggested that I'd do the thing where I'd take a picture of the board and conveniently include him in there as well. I told her that this was some creepy shit and that even if it wasn't weird that there is no way I could get away with it because first of all, I sit at the front row and by the way that the room is set up is so that everyone would be able to see my screen and second of all, this man prints out all of his slides so if I were to take a picture of the slides despite already having a copy, shit would look really obvious and really sketchy. On top of that, I already had a sense of guilt for feeling what I was feeling towards this person. Overall, taking pictures of people without their consent is weird af and I'd be really creeped out if I caught anyone in the act of doing that shit to me. Then there are the people who feel the need to stalk people's social media and hell even LinkedIn (that is hella weird to me). To a certain extent I get it but I know that this is one of the things that can easily dip into creepy category depending on context. Like a context where I find something like this acceptable is to just look over someone's profile before a first date to get some sense of who you might be dealing with. But idk, I feel like stalking someone's page can verge on creepy behavior. Taking screenshots and saving pictures definitely crosses that line even if you aren't interacting with them. Like even when it comes to people who have crushes on celebrities, I still find it weird when people make whole fan accounts thirsting over them. I get consuming their content and fangirling over their work but straight up fanfiction is a no lol imo. I also think the dehumanization of celebrities is something that is very normalized and accepted because of the way they are put on a pedestal but I think that's a separate topic for another post. Lets just say that if I ever become famous and I encounter someone who has written explicit fanfiction about me, I'd probably stay tf away from that person and be really uncomfortable. This is going to sound kind of weird but sometimes I feel like I'm doing too much and being really obsessive when I like someone even though I rarely, if ever, express things outwardly. I sometimes wonder if I ever had that kind of effect on a person where they would think of me throughout the day, the first thing in the morning, or the last thing at night. It's kind of difficult to imagine because I feel like the amount I think about people I like is an abnormal amount and normal people who have crushes don't think this much about their person. I also think this might also tie back to the whole "I don't really see myself as a priority to people" thing. And this isn't even limited to a sexual or romantic sense. One time I had my roommate mention that I came up in a conversation with one of their friends and there was a part of me that was a little surprised. Like *oh, I exist and people sometimes talk about me.* I guess in my head I go through life pretty much unnoticed or unremembered and I don't see myself having much of an impact on people much less when it comes to people having feelings for me. But then again, I don't think I want to know what the people who like me (if there are any) think about when they are thinking about me. I'm pretty sure that shit would probably leave me scarred lol. I think another factor as to why I tend to be strict with myself on this is how I didn't I had many opportunities to be transparent with my feelings for a person mainly because the feelings weren't mutual or in some cases appropriate. Because I know just how uncomfortable unwanted attention can be and unless I'm a 1000% sure that the other person feels the same way, I don't want to express my side of things out of consideration.

We aren't inherently afraid of men. We are afraid of men because of the systemic issues that are present and how those issues personally affect us. Saying that women are afraid because of their femininity or because of fear being wired into our biology is the same as assuming that the reason why black people are afraid of white cops is because of some pseudo race science. It literally doesn't have to be this way but to assume that women are inherently afraid of men and attributing it to biology is to assume often leads to thinking that because women are just like this, that there is nothing we can do to change it. I'm saying that women aren't inherently afraid therefore there are many social changes that we could enact to where the dynamics aren't like this. I'd recommend to stop seeing this as a masculine/feminine issue and as a people issue with how different groups relate to power dynamics. Because even if a woman leans masculine, chances are the fear is still there due to socialization whereas a man who leans feminine won't have the same experience. EDIT: I also feel that especially on this forum, that boxing men and women to masculine and feminine is often done so in a way to reinforce traditional gender roles. It puts people in a category, strips the people and the situation of nuance, and takes this "men are from mars, women are from venus" approach. It treats men and women as if we are from a different planet instead of seeing them as another person to relate to. And that doesn't help with communicating or empathizing all that much.

I agree with this 100%. I also was watching a video a few days ago on how a lot of people have both an internal and external locus of control but they tend to prefer or default to one of them. The internal locus of control is about looking at what you can do in a situation and taking charge to change. The external locus of control is about seeing how your environment and people around you affect your circumstance so you aren't blaming yourself for anything. And whichever one you tend to default to, usually in a therapeutic setting, resorting to the other form of control is usually helpful in resolving neurosis There are people who tend to default to the external locus of control and who tend to blame everyone but themselves and fall into victim mentality. For them, usually the individualistic, take responsibility for your actions and see how you contribute to a situation is incredibly helpful in mitigating their biases. But a lot of people, including myself, have an internal locus of control so that same method will probably cause me to double down on my personal biases and beat myself up for things that don't even make sense. That's why for me, it's been incredibly helpful in my self improvement journey to look at systemic issues that are contributing to my problems and be gentle with myself because not everything is my fault rather than telling myself that I need to spring into action because I'm not doing enough. I also feel that if you belong to marginalized community, you're more likely to default to an internal locus of control because externally and systemically, there isn't much that's helping you so you need to help yourself. On top of that if you belong to a marginalized community, you have also been constantly told by the people in power to take responsibility, help yourself, and don't question systems (because if you do, the people who have power will risk losing that power and god forbid they would be pressurized to take responsibility and make a better situation). Meanwhile, people who have more power in society are more likely to resort to an external locus of control because their environment works for them and it's in their best interest to not take responsibility as it might cause them to reconsider their power.

For my issues with doomer mentality

I found this video and since it helped me, I thought I'd include it on this thread

I just recalled that I came to similar conclusions a couple months ago as well:

What does it mean to live a full life? How do you know you're living a full life? What milestones, if any, are a part of a full life?

I feel like instead of a school, while it isn't completely off the table, we need to deal with a lot of issues at the root systemically so that the problem doesn't arise in the first place. I'm talking access to mental health care, classes for parenting, dealing with things like educational, medical, and wealth inequality, and over all helping people better their quality of life so that they have the time and the means to help themselves in a way that they feel is necessary rather than a predetermined curriculum.

Being a Priority to Someone I think when it comes to why its difficult to imagine myself in a romantic situation is because I'm not used to being a priority to people. When it comes to friendships, I'm rarely, if ever, someone's best/closest friend. A lot of the time I'm like a tier 2 or tier 3 friend that people are cool with, have fun with, and even open up to, but I'm not really a person who comes to mind as far as "hey these are people who I consider some of my closest friends." I've also abandoned the notion of having a best friend because every time I considered someone that way, the feelings weren't mutual. Sure, they would consider me as a close or good friend but their best friend is always someone else. And I feel like my experience with college thus far exacerbated this because I have a shit ton of acquaintances and people I'm cool with but very few friends. When it comes to family, I don't really have any one in this country other than my parents. As far as extended family goes, it's difficult to create a bond when you barely see them. I've also had a bunch of relatives promise that they would visit me since my parents and I always visit them but then they never do. Don't get me wrong, they have legit reasons such as how difficult it is to get a visa to come to the U.S., but they never told me any of this growing up. They would just laugh it off and say "don't worry, I'm coming next year" which has always been a lie. They still give me false promises instead of being honest with me to this day. The last time I had any of my relatives visit me was before airport security was a thing. It's been over 20 years. And romantically, well that shit is out of the question since my life is dry af when it comes to this. I'm not talking about being taken out to a fancy restaurant or planning out a really nice date. That's nice as far as knowing someone cares and is intentional, don't get me wrong, I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I've never had someone really take the time to get to know me and cherish the process of getting to know me by giving me a nonjudgmental space. And not to be judgmental but if a guy were to ever pull some type of romantic gesture or shower me with attention and compliments, worst case scenario I would just start getting teared up or at the very least not know what to do in those situations because that scenario is so unknown to me. Hell, I'm even getting emotional while writing this tbh. I don't expect to be anyone's top priority. We all have lives and shit to do. I get it and I'm the same way. I don't even think it's healthy to have your life revolve around a person for obvious reasons. But sometimes, I wish I was an important part of people's lives rather than an after thought. Lately, I've been having a recurring scenario come up in my head. It goes along like this: I'm cuddled up next to a guy under a bunch of blankets. It's cozy and it might be right before we go to sleep or the first thing when we wake up. He's holding me close to him and I feel like I'm in this vulnerable space physically. I feel small in comparison to him and I feel his weight enveloping me. I feel his presence and I sense his acceptance by how he is choosing to embrace me. I feel safe and protected. While he is holding me close and firmly, he has one hand gently grazing my face and playing with my hair. He gazes into my face as though he is studying me and admiring me. Every now and then he breaks this gaze and gently peppers a bunch of kisses on my face, tickles me, or nuzzles his face into my neck and shoulders. My reactions, expressions, and laughter brings him a lot of just wholesome joy as he sees my appreciation for his affection. And of course, I do the same back. There are little to no words that are exchanged. There is no need to. Our intentions and our emotions are clear. There is no over thinking. There is no second guessing. There is no additional work to be done to surrender to this present moment. We just are. I then proceed to bury my face in his chest and doze off. He runs his fingers through my hair to help me fall asleep and then kisses me on the forehead. He rests his head on mine, hugs me tighter and then falls asleep himself.

I was over all a good kid. Stayed out of trouble for the most part, got decent grades, minded my own business. That said, even though I was a "good kid" I was still really troubled. And most of the time the adults didn't notice because I wasn't overtly acting out. But looking back, I stg like 90% of my personality was rooted in dysfunction. Here are some of the things I dealt with from age 13-19 off the top of my head. The bolded items are things that I'm still deal with. emotionally abusive family (which was also physical when i was younger than 13) and a lack of decent guidance which led to the following: eating disorder and body image issues (was on a whole nother level of bad back then) dysfunctional relationship with food issues with trusting people platonically and romantically attachment issues in general issues with emotional vulnerability/ hyper rationality which translated into me being emotionally closed off anger issues (both in terms of bottling things up and being annoyed all the time) depression anxiety suicidal thoughts being angsty all the fucking time (this an the anger issues led to a cringy, chaos centric sense of humor) trouble focusing in school not knowing what healthy relationships looked like and therefore almost getting into toxic dynamics just plain insecurity around making friends and shyness (there was a period of time where I barely talked) being known as "the therapist friend" and attracting people who would trauma dump on me isolation from others feeling like I didn't have any decent role models (and as a result, mourning the relationship I'll never have with my parents) pressure to figure your entire life out lack of discipline lack of personal independence which made me kind of stunted at times procrastination (also related to anxiety) issues with setting boundaries and confronting people the pressure to mature faster than your peers and feeling disconnected to them when you can't relate to them assuming that everyone hates me academic pressures and trying to figure out my own path when the adults around me were pushing me in a certain direction being emotionally burnt out from everything above issues with being an asexual South Asian woman in Texas (i identified as asexual through my teen years) internalized misogyny acephobia homophobia (there were a bunch of people who thought I was gay and would talk shit about me behind my back) dealing with systemic inequality with the education system when I was trying to get into college and while I was in college internalized racism (didn't have much of it but it was still a thing) the existential crisis that came with the Trump presidency and dealing with the repercussions of that the whole model minority thing where I felt like I couldn't make mistake in figuring out my life figuring out my religious and spiritual beliefs dealing with creepy men in general Other: figuring out how dating and relationships worked (still figuring out more layers to that and I think I always will but back then I was on a whole nother level of cluelessness) issues with grief (lost a lot of family members during that time and didn't have any parental guidance on how to deal with those emotions the existential crisis that I got from grief and loss losing friends and then not having many/ not having much of a social life after moving into a different phase in my life loneliness in general stress from school work and college applications (which ultimately didn't go my way AT ALL therefore leading to anxiety about the future) constantly sleep deprived physical health issues (went undiagnosed until I was 21but symptoms started showing up when I was 17 or so but I didn't think much of it so I didn't get it checked) dealing with ADHD (I still have it but I'm better at managing it) planning out my adult life under late stage capitalism

@Carl-Richard Beautifully put

Direct experience, observation, and therapy

How Do People Even Get Themselves Into These Situations? So I'm going to a party school where a lot of the students have a shit ton of money to blow and get fucked up on the weekends. I'm not part of this crowd because I simply don't have the funds or the safety net to be acting out in this way and mainly because it simply isn't my crowd since I don't have much to relate to them on. But every now and then I find myself in a situation where I or one of my friends is a bystander of watching some crazy shit go down. Either that or we end up talking shit about some drama we aren't even a part of. One time I was at a party. There were some drugs, the cops eventually showed up. I just calmly left and was glad this party was over because I wasn't really having a lot of fun anyway. It just wasn't my scene. I was just standing there looking like this during that whole party: honestly, this is probably me in most messy situations lol The thing was like mosh pit and especially since COVID happened, I can't imagine going to something like that again. Not sure if I talked about this in a different post or not but I hate places that are so loud and crowded to where you can't have a conversation with someone. If I am going to spend my social energy on something, I better be compensated with a bond with someone or a good conversation. Like, places like those are draining and for what lmao!?!?! Another time my roommate from a couple years back, her friend of a friend got into some trouble at a party. I just remember getting a knock on the door by a cop that night who asked me a few questions. I was just standing there confused (and scared because POCs and cops don't mix too well) . Like I was just spending that night, minding my own business, studying for a statistics exam and I genuinely had no idea wtf was going on. Thankfully my roommate was safe and nothing happened to her and whatever happened that night, let just say that this roommate just cut those people off and moved on with her life lol. The other day, my friend who is an RA was confronted in the middle of the night by a bunch of college students banging on her door. One girl got locked out of her own dorm by two guys, a guy got punched in the face, someone was going through a break up, and there were people from off campus who got involved in a fight. The cops had to be called. My friend was talking to be about this over lunch today and we were talking about how tf people get themselves into these situations and how tf they have the time to get their work done in school. The other week there was a lot of crying and screaming outside of my dorm. I wasn't on campus that night but my roommate started texting me trying to figure out wtf was going without getting involved since we're both nosey af. The walls in my dorm are pretty thin so if there is any drama happening, the people next to you probably heard about the whole thing lol. Sex I feel like is a whole nother topic. There are a few stories i encounter every now and then and I'm just sitting there like *how?* and *why tf.* I don't really feel like expanding on that tbh. Then again, a lot of it probably has to do with my sense of risk aversion tbh. And I guess it feels even more alien to me because none of my friends are like that. Guess birds of the same feather do flock together lol. Like, it isn't even intentional but I always find myself in circles of a bunch of girls who usually do their work, nap, do face masks, and maybe binge on Netflix or anime during the weekend. We all have a couple of random acquaintances or encounters who are at the heart of the crazy stories (while we are the bystanders) but that's really about it. Honestly, now that I think about it, none of us really even smokes or drinks. It isn't like we have a problem with it or that we shame people, hell some of us might have a drink every now and then, but it's just not a part of our regular life style. Some of the shit I hear about, it sounds like it's straight out of one of those teen drama movies/shows. Whenever I watch those shows, I find myself thinking *how are you making the worst possible decisions every time?* *where tf are your parents? *if yall are in school why do I never see anyone do anything remotely related to school?* And since it's a TV show mainly written by old people who are out of touch with how kids are, I have an easier time brushing things off. But at this school specifically, there are people I run into every now and then whose lives are right out of a lifetime movie and I'm just sitting there like **huh?!?!** And times like this, I'm glad to have the role of a background character. Main characters have too much mess going on in their lives, a lot of the time they are annoying af, and they make terrible decisions. Granted, everyone is a main character of their own lives but I guess I'm talking about a specific genre of people as my roommate would describe it lol. Also in times like this, I sometimes wonder if this is how the law of attraction works. Not to be that person and I know that you can get into some pretty fucked up situations by not doing anything, but is this what it means to not be a vibrational match to a person or situation? Because again, it's not like I have to actively avoid people or situations like this. I'm just never in these situations and I never really click with people who are.