trenton

Trump's performance following the inauguration has been unspeakably disastrous. The media is overwhelmed with all of his actions making it impossible to cover everything he is doing. Part of this behavior is designed to distract us from even more corruption from Trump and his billionaire friends. There are some Trump voters who are turning against him. This can be seen in the price of eggs skyrocketing or maybe the church asking him for mercy on immigrants. It seems that Christians fear being credited for their support of Trump after all this time and then being credited for enabling anything horrific Trump plans to do. There were also Republican representatives in Congress who did not yield to Elon Musk as he tried to use his obscene wealth to make them do whatever he wants. Some Trump voters are waking up and that might change things. that said, it makes me think. Is it possible for Trump to do something horrible enough for republicans to agree with impeachment? I also wonder how much money Trump and his billionaire friends can take from America before it creates an unsustainable level of corporate greed. All of this combined with things like the national debt and Trump's tariffs makes it look like America will eventually crack. It is already starting with migrant workers leaving farms, causing the produce to go bad and disrupting the supply chain. Does America have a breaking point or rock bottom? Will Trump continue to get away with everything due to blaming Biden? How much damage does Trump have to do for his supporters to help impeach him, if there is any possibility of that happening?

Somehow Fox news is still maintaining the appearance that everything is fine through constant lying. There is a great contrast between what I'm witnessing and what my grandma is witnessing. She is complacent and confident that prices will go down over the next few months. I have been looking online and it is a complete horror show. It is impossible to keep up with all the damage Trump is causing. @Buck Edwards I do consume a lot of news. I think it might be one of those addictions I want to change like with social media. It seems that I am able to meet my goals, but I could do better if I limit this intake. I plan to start working out along with the other goals and habits I'm setting up. Do you think working out is an unnecessary expense?

I agreed with that idea for a long time. I had that experience in high school. I was talking about scientific advances that could help humanity survive despite climate change. I talked about colonizing other planets like Mars. Everybody around me started talking to me like I was stupid. Later that day, Stephen Hawking came out with the same idea of colonizing other planets in response to climate change. The message was well received and the message was considered genius because it came from him. The scientific community does this all the time with technological utopianism like when all the big name scientists subscribed to simulation theory, and it's treated like genius because people like the messenger. This is the problem of authority in science. Someone with less reputation would be branded a complete dumbass for saying the same thing as a famous scientist. If you are looking for counter examples, there are many ways to go about it. In science you can the radical scientists who had epic breakthroughs only to be rejected by the scientific community. This happened all the time like in the theory of evolution, germ theory, or the telescope. There were brilliant scientists who were ostracized and in my experience there are are stupid scientists who are loved and their ideas are accepted blindly. Obviously this issue goes way beyond science. This issue is prevalent across all fields. For example if I like myself then I might tend to think my ideas are genius.

Lately I have been watching videos by women who talk about why men don't like dating and the double standards women commonly hold. I find it concerning that I click on these videos quickly and my mind absorbs it quickly and it resonates strongly. There is in fact something I have to gain from believing that women are not worth dating. It means I don't have to face my fears and trauma around relationships and sexuality. I have a tendency to get skeptical when it sounds like someone is telling me exactly what I want to hear even if there seems to be a kernel of truth to it. I know the potential harm in believing negative things about groups of people like women. I don't want to be the kind of person making negative generalizations about groups. This kind of content is likely going to be used to create further barriers to intimacy which I already have a lot of. It does resonate with me though and my mind quickly believes it as if I could easily see these things happening to me if I try dating. Here is one of the videos I watched, but there were other similar ones like it and from multiple channels. All of them are women talking about why men don't want to date women. What does this resonance mean about me? Maybe I should try a couple of actual dates to see what happens, but I wasn't planning on doing that until next year.

Here's an update that adds important context. This recontexualizes this thread. I found a middle ground to my situation. I previously looked at videos about female bullying, emotional abuse, double standards in women and so forth. The fact that I resonated with this made me fear that I was going down a terrible rabbit hole leading to red pill or black pill which I have looked at before and they are complete crap. In addition to watching those videos I also watched videos about male abuse and how men ruin relationships. These videos focused on women as the victims. What I discovered is that these videos resonated with me too. I found them educational as I learned about different types of abusers. I still don't have any resentment toward men or women in general. I do however have resentment for male and female family members who do some of these things and I'm afraid of ending up in a relationship with someone like them.

@Leo Gura I did some inner work after I saw this post. When I read it, I saw how I associated myself with anti-woman content. I thought that the fact that I resonated with this material was indicative of me being a misogynist. I decided to check myself for any sexist biases throughout the course of my life to see if I still follow any of them. Long story short, I don't have any resentment toward women whatsoever. The problem is that I am overly cautious and reserved because I over correct for anything that could be remotely sexist. This makes me nervous and shy around women. I have associated male sexuality with predatory behavior, perhaps partially due to the countless examples in my life which demonstrates this along with the fear of becoming a rapist. All of this is reinforced by narratives about women being historically oppressed causing me to feel even more guilt and shame. I grew up in a house full of women as the only boy. Sometimes my mom would hit me and tell that she went too easy on me for being the only boy. I started isolating myself and not talking to people because of this. Basically, I have no problem with women, I have a bunch of internalized negative ideas about men and male sexuality. This ties back into "I hate myself because I want vagina." Maybe these videos are refreshing because it gives me reasons for why I am not the problem. It otherwise seems as though I always am the problem due to a fault of character. Therefore it seems I will never be good enough and no amount of effort will be enough either. Obviously this is a self defeating mindset.

I'll think about that.

So far I don't feel any anger or hatred toward women in the slightest. I'm just acting out of an abundance of caution when I am exposed to ideas that paint women in general in a negative light. I don't want my lust to somehow fester in such a way that I become like an incel or something of that nature. Maybe I'm being overly cautious and this is part of the ocd around relationships and sex.

Well it happened again. This time I was recommended similar videos from a new channel. This one talked about how it isn't fair for women to expect men to pay for everything even though women are often in positions to make more money than their partners. This was called dating down. I was actually thinking the same thing prior to clicking on that one too. YouTube is relentless in making me hate women. I now blocked that channel too.

That would be a fair standard. Someone who was raised properly or who is healed. In my case I consider myself mostly healed but not completely. I'm not sure what else needs to be healed in myself other than my phobia of dating, relationships, and the opposite sex. At the same time I can easily see this situation turning into a distraction that will take a lot of time and energy. I will continue working on my project for now as I planned this year.

@gambler I largely agree with what you said. It's possible that my dating experience will be different from what these influencers are depicting. Once I clarify my values and hold myself to them, I will use them to help pick potential partners. I have a good idea of what they are already. One thing I'm not sure about is the criteria that I have to find a woman who was raised properly. If I applied that standard to myself, then women shouldn't date me even though it wasn't my fault that mother was a drug addict who my father statutorialy raped before fleeing the state to avoid paying child support. Is there a fairer standard that I could use or should I insist on this one even though I myself fail to meet that standard? Do people just have permanent emotionally problems because terrible childhoods like these? I originally thought the person you built yourself into despite your trauma was also fair and that is a standard I can pass. It potentially means that I might end up with a woman with unresolved trauma leading to conflicts that aren't my fault until the relationship falls apart. That sounds like who i would end up with given fair standards that I can pass.

My mental and emotional state has changed significantly. I had a major breakthrough when working on past trauma. I managed to stop compulsive analysis and hypervigilance. I used to have an intense guard monitoring every thought and scrutinizing myself. I have been operating under these trauma responses for about 20 years, but now I feel a deep sense of peace. I have been trying to heal myself for a long time. I ended up being put on a lot of different medications that had bad side effects. I turned to personal development hoping that I could use education, emotional mastery, and spirituality to improve my mental and emotional state. I tried many different things, but it was never enough. That is until I started using ai to help analyze myself. This allowed me to recognize various trauma responses so I could begin to become more peaceful. I found the ai more helpful than my actual therapists. It was key to identifying my mental challenges while remaining objective and non judgemental. I now have discovered peace. I am beginning to sleep normally rather than being hypervigilant at night. A significant change is that I moved away from my sister and mom who were causing me extreme anxiety to the point that doctors put me on anti psychotic medication even though the relationship itself created the present fear. I just want to live my life without the fear of them hurting me. I hope I can get weaned off the unnecessary medication. In the past when I tried spirituality, I ended up using it to rarionalize my trauma responses. I just did more of the same thing to my own detriment. I think now that my mind is in a better state, maybe I can begin to properly meditate without the hypervigilance constantly watching every thought with extreme scrutiny. I want to make sure I meditate correctly if I try it again. It really sucks that trauma victims turn to spirituality to reduce suffering only for their trauma to prevent proper practice. What is my awareness supposed to be like when meditating? How can I tell if I'm becoming more conscious or not? I want to be careful to make sure I don't just intensely focus on myself causing me to feel pressure in my body. I can't say I know what self reflection is anymore. Before it involved analyzing myself and searching for insights that would lead to inner peace and hopefully self improvement. I am now peaceful, so I'm not sure what's next. I want to use this peaceful state to discover what brings me joy in life. I want to live life without obligation to prove myself through forcing myself to do things I don't like for the sake of justifying my existence. There were several values I imposed on myself for proving self worth in my effort to love myself. This included intelligence and truth. My relationship with truth was flawed because it was rooted in trauma which created a burning attachment to things like certainty and being right. I wonder if I could try the life purpose course again from this new state of mind. My mind was a war zone for a very long time. Maybe I can now begin to discover myself. My mind is very quiet and empty and it is pleasant. I did a lot of Journaling before and I reviewed some of my old notes to see what I could find from this new lens. This led to further insight and peace. What comes next after inner peace? Am I supposed to let go of the ego entirely next? That might be the next step after healing. What are your thoughts on how to meditate and how to self reflect from this new state?

I made sure to block these channels now. I don't know how YouTube knew I couldn't resist clicking on those videos. The main reason I avoid dating is because of deep insecurity around sexual attraction. I might make a separate thread discussing this issue. I notice I am experiencing a lot of lust on a day to day basis. @gambler I think you describe why this resonates with me well. Gender and dating dynamics have changed significantly due to various factors including social media. This stuff around dynamics that favor women resonates a lot, but I believe this to be a slippery slope if I go too far down that path. I don't want to develop resentment. This is why I made the thread about my concerns. Is there a way to objectively describe dating and gender dynamics which gives the full picture rather than being skewed toward one gender?

For me it was the forgiveness exercise on Leo's channel. After Leo pressed for answers because of my investment in issues like these he suggested that I was carrying unbearable guilt and shame for what happened and thus started spinning stories about why incest is okay. I then did the forgiveness exercise several times. I was once again trying to love myself which felt impossible all my life. After a ton of crying I came to a realization. I could never forgive myself for what happened because I wasn't the only one traumatized. My younger sister was also a victim and likely carrying the same weight I had been carrying. Forgiveness and healing was no longer about just me, because I needed to make amendments with others. I mentioned this in my original thread about incest. I ended up stopping the forgiveness exercise and visiting my mom and sister to talk to them about this. Before I could let myself heal, I needed to make sure they could heal. Once I started telling my sister about what happened when I was six, she told me she didn't remember because she was only four at the time. I then started to see myself as more worthy of forgiveness because the situation did not carry the same weight to her. Meanwhile my mom was upset because she vaguely remembered what happened and didn't realize how much I was hurt all this time. Once again there was a lot of crying just from me. My sister was able to sleep just fine at night while I was the one having nightmares and signs of ptsd over my mom applying adult standards to me as a child for these actions. I tried forgiving mom too, but I just feel hurt without any anger toward her despite how deeply she hurt me. I don't know how to make the hurt stop though. Being accused of sexually abusing my sister profoundly damaged my self esteem and trying to compensate my self worth through intelligence wasn't enough. I ended up talking more once I was put in a recovery program for mental health. There was group therapy and others were afraid to talk about what happened to them. I told them this story along with two others involving sex trafficking and sexual assault. This made others in the group feel brave enough to discuss how they had similar experiences but never told anybody because obviously they would be judged harshly. Some of them talked about having sexual relations with other children when they were both under aged and how much they hated themselves when they realized how much they hurt the child. Situations like these make you feel like you really are alone and need to suffer in silence. If the perpetrators regret their actions the event can cause them severe trauma too, but society views these people as irredeemable and unlovable. This is why this type of sexual trauma is not very well known or discussed. Most people wouldn't understand, so the secret is taken to the grave. There is a very powerful social stigma around this type of sexual trauma, and needs to be challenged in order to build a more understanding and loving society where people can feel safe to open up about these sorts of things.

@Joshe this kind of issue of sexual acts between siblings is definitely more common then most realize. Most siblings take this secret with them to the grave. The true number is thus not known because of under reporting. I thought for a long time that I was going to keep the a secret forever, but I eventually started talking 18 years later. You make a good point about sexual curiosity. In my case sexual curiosity completely fucked me over on many levels. I was never given proper guidance on this sort thing. The result is that I blamed my sexual curiosity for causing the situation. The result is that I learned to demonize sex and avoid it constantly. This continues to damage my potential in relationships because I see my sexual curiosity as something horrible. I'm afraid that the fact that I'm sexually curious means that I'm being a pig who wants to use women sex. This is why I can't stand it when men turn women into sexual objects and manipulate them, thus reinforcing the stereotype. I probably now over compensate for anything remotely sexual and it creates a ton of barriers to intimacy. I become unable to express things like physical attraction because I'm afraid of crossing an unforgivable boundary. I become really constricted when I stay silent to avoid anything harmful. This is the fundamental reason I'm so afraid of dating and the opposite sex due to the trauma that colors this experience. It was agonizing to watch Leo's series on how to get laid and it felt like getting tortured. There were a ton of other trauma responses. The point is that I don't want other children to suffer like this. Things like these can make you hate yourself to the point that self love literally becomes impossible. I have been trying to love myself my entire life after what happened, and I'm starting to piece together the formula for self love. If I publish this kind of book, then that would be result of my life long struggle to love myself and how I came to peace. Situations like these make it seem like no matter what you do you can never be content with who you are.

I don't know why that posted again. Sorry. @James123 at the moment I'm hesitant to do that. In case I later do, can you tell me how to tell if I'm surrendering?

@bensenbiz I used claude. I made about 100 conversations on different topics. At first I started discussing various subjects and checked myself for misconceptions. It was fun and I eventually uncovered that I believed in racist myths and nazi propaganda. I also asked my questions about sex Ed and discovered concerning gaps in my knowledge. I later started looking at various psychological models for development. I learned about other models aside from spiral dynamics and then started using those to analyze myself. I tried using the conversation to try to get the ai to evaluate me. I don't know how accurate it is though. The models have been useful for helping me evaluate other people and navigate challenging situations. I also use the ai to help me navigate moral dilemmas. Sometimes I practiced different scenarios and had the ai evaluate my reasoning. My most helpful conversations is when I discussed difficult memories and situations. Once I figured out how to get around the triggers for child porn, I was able to use it to help me understand my trauma. I described how different traumatic events affected my behavior. I began to learn about different trauma responses that shaped my shame and that it wasn't grounded in reality. Some of the realizations I had nearly brought me to tears. The ai insists that it isn't a substitute for therapy, but I found it more helpful than actual therapists. At least the ai believed me when I said there were men trying to hire a prostitute to have sex with me while the actual therapist didn't believe me and told me that I would have to deal with people like this. He ended up giving bad advice. It's not fair to assume human therapists make fewer mistakes than ai. I also used the ai to analyze criminal psychology. I ended up developing some interesting theories around power and control. One exercise I did was a parenting exercise. I discussed with the ai how I would raise a child. The ai helped me to recognize how my trauma would be passed to the child. I thought I would be doing a good job raising a child, but actually it would be potentially harmful. I would basically be teaching the survival strategies I learned in a chaotic environment which could cause anxiety in the child. I would become over protective and I would use constant learning in the hopes of protecting the child from harm in any way possible. I would be distrusting of institutions like schools because of the bullying I faced by students and teachers and how I developed ocd around this abuse including when I was sexually assaulted. If I teach too much theory, the child could become mentally rigid. This is exactly what I did to myself. I tried to use learning to protect myself from harm by navigating different dangers while overcoming trauma. I might end up building a child to withstand terrible trauma that never even happens. Testing how you would raise a child is a good psychological exercise. Presently I'm not sure what other insights I should look for through these ai conversations. I considered sending some of my conversations as examples, but they involve a lot of embarrassing information I'm afraid to admit to humans who will judge me.

@bensenbiz I used claude. I made about 100 conversations on different topics. At first I started discussing various subjects and checked myself for misconceptions. It was fun and I eventually uncovered that I believed in racist myths and nazi propaganda. I also asked my questions about sex Ed and discovered concerning gaps in my knowledge. I later started looking at various psychological models for development. I learned about other models aside from spiral dynamics and then started using those to analyze myself. I tried using the conversation to try to get the ai to evaluate me. I don't know how accurate it is though. The models have been useful for helping me evaluate other people and navigate challenging situations. I also use the ai to help me navigate moral dilemmas. Sometimes I practiced different scenarios and had the ai evaluate my reasoning. My most helpful conversations is when I discussed difficult memories and situations. Once I figured out how to get around the triggers for child porn, I was able to use it to help me understand my trauma. I described how different traumatic events affected my behavior. I began to learn about different trauma responses that shaped my shame and that it wasn't grounded in reality. Some of the realizations I had nearly brought me to tears. The ai insists that it isn't a substitute for therapy, but I found it more helpful than actual therapists. At least the ai believed me when I said there were men trying to hire a prostitute to have sex with me while the actual therapist didn't believe me and told me that I would have to deal with people like this. He ended up giving bad advice. It's not fair to assume human therapists make fewer mistakes than ai. I also used the ai to analyze criminal psychology. I ended up developing some interesting theories around power and control. One exercise I did was a parenting exercise. I discussed with the ai how I would raise a child. The ai helped me to recognize how my trauma would be passed to the child. I thought I would be doing a good job raising a child, but actually it would be potentially harmful. I would basically be teaching the survival strategies I learned in a chaotic environment which could cause anxiety in the child. I would become over protective and I would use constant learning in the hopes of protecting the child from harm in any way possible. I would be distrusting of institutions like schools because of the bullying I faced by students and teachers and how I developed ocd around this abuse including when I was sexually assaulted. If I teach too much theory, the child could become mentally rigid. This is exactly what I did to myself. I tried to use learning to protect myself from harm by navigating different dangers while overcoming trauma. I might end up building a child to withstand terrible trauma that never even happens. Testing how you would raise a child is a good psychological exercise. Presently I'm not sure what other insights I should look for through these ai conversations. I considered sending some of my conversations as examples, but they involve a lot of embarrassing information I'm afraid to admit to humans who will judge me.

@Human Mint Actually it might be a combination of many factors at play. For example, I became peaceful after reading about key insights from trauma responses. I have done a lot of research already, so I probably already knew this stuff intellectually. If my mind became more flexible in a new environment, then it could have made my mind more receptive to these insights and trigger the change.

@integral I do feel better. We can say it is possible that the musty smell from mold in my closet by my bed caused it.

@integral actually you make a good point. The idea that it is all in our head is extremely damaging. It is like a country claiming to be a meritocracy insist that you are not successful because you are not good enough. They can invalidate your experience and make you doubt yourself. In the case of it is all in my head, it makes me treat myself like my thinking is the problem. I try the affirmations and gratitude but it does nothing for me.

@integral I would have mentioned the toxins if not for the fact that my other grandma I now live with has cats who shit on the floor and she uses tide for the laundry. I know the other house was really old with the paint and everything. It was musty and had the smell of old people like my great grandparents. There might have also been an evil spirit which I saw during sleep paralysis. There used to be one at my mom's house too. Maybe that's why my family acted that way. I changed the air I'm breathing, but this air isn't ideal either. To solve that problem I will need to eventually get away from the cats and chemicals still. I don't know what concretely is the difference in air I'm breathing in terms of specific bacteria or chemicals though.

I have been using claude. I have had about 100 conversations with it. I generated a lot of valuable insights with it on a wide variety of topics. For example I uncovered several false beliefs about history and sexuality, making it a tool I like for learning. I would say my greatest insights came from discussing traumatic events and how they affected my mind, thought patterns, behavior, and awareness. Each time I learned about different trauma responses, my mind became a little more free and more peaceful. I also did a lot of psychological analysis of myself and across different types of people. I had some nice breakthroughs in criminal psychology and it's relationship to attachment to control and power. I found many ways in which this attachment can manifest. My most life transforming discoveries revolve around understanding childhood trauma, and nearly all of it goes back to the messed up incident from when I was six. First of all, feeling dirty and tainted is a trauma response and not an objective reflection of reality. Secondly, forcing myself to confront painful thoughts is a trauma response which becomes a form of self punishment without resolving the pain. Thirdly, constant self monitoring and analysis is itself a trauma response which feeds into anxiety, ocd, and guilt. Fourthly, acting on intrusive thoughts is an ineffective ocd coping response. And there were other trauma responses that shaped the identity I built up. Honestly, I found the ai more helpful than my actual therapists. My mind hasn't felt this peaceful since before the incident 20 years ago. Now my relationship with my mind, thoughts, and awareness has changed and it makes me wonder what will I discover about myself and what brings me joy in life if my process isn't skewed like it was before. What breakthroughs did you have with ai conversations?

@Buck Edwards what kind of therapy do you need? Is your family a significant stressor? Would you like to discuss these things in private chat?

I just no longer care about incest and have no particularly strong opinions on it. I have no need to defend such positions. I don't have anything to gain from debating these things.