trenton

@DocWatts On the topic of determining relevant facts, I also learned about apophenia. It is the tendency to find meaningful patterns where none exist. There is a recent forum post about this. The reason I bring this up is because I had a question. One day, I encountered a man who appeared to have some kind of schizophrenic disorder. He was deeply religious and he had a tendency to point to random objects and then derive profound meaning from them as if it connected to divine intelligence. I was completely puzzled by what he was saying because it sounded disconnected, irrational, and nonsensical. It left me with questions like is this man genuinely crazy, or does he see something that I don't see? How do we determine if such a person actually has a valid perspective or if it really is complete nonsense? There is also a problem with utility because maybe his meaning making is useful for some other purpose that does not serve my agenda. Are such people really delusional, or are we delusional for dismissing their perspective and failing to understand what they are seeing and experiencing as their reality may not line up with our own conventional sense of reality? How do we determine the answer?

I actually saw that kind of behavior when I was walking down the street one day, and I encountered a man who had some kind of mental health condition. It was possibly some kind of schizophrenic disorder which is common in apophenia. As he would talk to me he would point to random objects and seem to derive profound and intricate meaning from them. He would then connect all of it back to the Bible which is common in this kind of disorder because such people tend to see strong patterns that don't exist and then connect it to divine intelligence. At the same time, I can't be really sure what this guy is experiencing. Maybe in his reality it really is like divine intelligence as if all things are connected, but from my point of view much of his profound meaning seems to derive from unrelated random objects. I'm open to the possibility that he sees something I do not, but from my point of view it looks very irrational.

I have made a crucial breakthrough in understanding how racism hurts both black people and white people. This is important because it breaks through the typical narratives and political divides through demonstrating that white people are also victims of the same oppressive system, even though it likely hurts black people more. The key is that inconsistent law enforcement leads to over policing in black communities while enabling white perpetrators of violent crimes which in turn leads to additional white victims due to failed enforcement. If racial justice were framed in this way, then it would likely avoid the zero sum game that often comes about when discussing racial justice leading to the divide between ALM and BLM. Here is my story. I come from a white family that was full of criminal activity. My father had children by multiple women and fled the State to avoid paying child support. He ended up owing 300,000 dollars on child support, but the enforcement failed despite my mother's best efforts. My father was also involved in gangs, had a lengthy criminal record, and was responsible for drug and sex trafficking. Meanwhile, my stepfather was physically abusive. He would beat my mother and destroy the house, creating an environment of constant fear. In the case of my father, he got away with his crimes by using the money from drug deals while jumping from job to job to avoid child support taxes. Meanwhile, my mother tried calling the police on my stepfather for domestic violence multiple times, but the police dismissed her simply based on my stepfather's denial. The nightmare I lived in should have ended with the police taking both my father's and my stepfather's case seriously. Instead, they failed to aggressively pursue these cases, and they likely would have taken these criminal charges much more seriously had my father and stepfather been black instead of white. Therefore, when white perpetrators are allowed to walk free, it creates a worse society for everybody, not just blacks. Here are some statistics that highlight the inconsistent law enforcement. Black women are over 4 times more likely to face felony charges than white men in domestic violence cases. 84.6% of black females ended up being arrested on felony charges in domestic violence cases whereas only 19.5% of white males faced comparable charges. This suggests that my father and stepfather likely received far more lenient treatment from law enforcement because of their whiteness, which allowed them to continue hurting the family. Arrest rates were also three times higher for black men compared to white men in domestic violence cases. This demonstrates that black communities are often over policed while white communities face police who under respond to white perpetrators who would be arrested if they were black. By applying these inconsistent law enforcement standards, it creates an environment that is harmful to all races due to white perpetrators walking free while the police spend excessive resources focusing on black communities. The pattern continues in cases like my father's. Gang prosecution disproportionately focuses on black communities, which thus enabled my father's operations. For example, from 2010 through 2017, everyone arrested under Mississippi's gang law was black even though half of verified gang members in the state were white. The pattern continues in other states such as Oregon with 64% of gang related arrests in Portland were black people even though blacks only made up 6 percent of the population. White supremacist gangs who were present were far less likely to be prosecuted, again creating a dangerous community for everyone by enabling white perpetrators. There is even inconsistent enforcement in child support due to race. black families are 111 percent more likely than white families to receive a sanction in the TANF system which includes child support. However, the enforcement targets poor black families who cannot afford to pay anyway, destabilizing the families further due to pursuing these cases more aggressively compared to white families. Meanwhile, my father who had children by multiple women and abandoned them both to end up owing 300,000 dollars faced very lenient treatment by comparison. Had my father been black he would have faced harsher treatment for less. Due to white perpetrators being treated more leniently, it created a more dangerous environment which ultimately produced more white victims as well black victims. In conclusion, I believe that this framing of racial justice is crucial for breaking through the typical racial and political divides. At the end of the day, systemic racism hurts everybody due to over policing black communities while enabling white perpetrators such as in the case of my family. I think this message might be effective for creating a common cause for all races rather than an artificial divide that pits whites and against black unnecessarily. A few policies that might help would be racial bias training to protect all families equally, consistent standards for arrest in domestic violence cases rather than arbitrary decisions from incompetent officers, victim compensation in the event of a non-custodial parent's arrest for child support, and possibly performance metrics based on consistent enforcement rather than just arrest numbers. There are probably many other reforms that would be needed, but this is an issue of equal protection and consistent law and order in addition to an issue of racial justice.

I think a better way to phrase the question would be, "what would you do if you were in Trump's position?" If you say "what would you do if you were trump?" then the reality is that if I were Trump then I would be shamelessly corrupt to the point that I would be doing the exact same thing he is doing right now. I think an important question is, if I were in Trump's position then does that include me having dementia along with all of his other mental health problems? If I do, then that would impede my ability to realistically think clearly and act in a positive manner. I will assume I don't have dementia which is a big assumption. With all of that in mind, if i were in Trump's position, then I would be inclined to resign from my position in the White House. This would be a big move especially if it is accompanied by admitting and taking responsibility for my corrupt actions, which would be a lot of actions while recognizing the harm caused to the world. The key point is that in the White House, I am dealing with something larger than myself and I will need to set aside my selfishness to do the right thing that would be best for humanity as a whole, even it might be costly to myself personally. Obviously, the actual Trump would never do such a thing because he does not care about the wellbeing of the rest of the world. He only cares about himself and that is why he is so corrupt.

I don't think you are being racist. I just want to warn you that you appear to be making the proximity defense argument. If you attempt to make this argument, then the counter argument is that somebody could still be racist while having friends of other races. If you are being accused of being racist, then this is not a good defense. To be honest, I'm not sure what convincing argument I could make that I am not racist. All kinds of arguments could be framed as me being defensive or in denial of some kind of unconscious bias, which might create an unfalsifiable position that I am racist. I don't think it is possible to prove that you are not racist regardless of any argument you make. It appears that the best defense against such accusations are through your actions of treating everyone fairly and equally. However, you might get called racist anyway if your political views do not align with what some lefties might want to hear. That said, maybe you could more accurately call someone racist or not racist based on how they act in everyday life, kind of like how you are trying to describe with the proximity argument. There might be a difference between "you are racist" vs. "you believe things that serve to perpetuate racial injustice."

I have discovered more ways in which systemic racism can ultimately harm white people. In this example, it happened in school. Sometimes there are black students who are struggling academically. This can be due to many factors as is the case with other demographics like children with disabilities, English learners, and children from poor families. Oftentimes these students might have a victim complex and a sense of learned helplessness, such as in the case of black students who might feel like they are not in control of their lives due to systemic racism. They might come to see white students as privileged and as having unfair advantages they didn't earn. In my case, this factor contributed to bullying. I was bullied by three black kids viciously. They would punch me in the face and call me things like a "stupid white fa*****." These kinds of statements are revealing because those black kids who were also struggling academically were likely making assumptions about my privilege as if they were responsible for my academic success. I noticed this pattern in other black students who were struggling in school. They might make Freudian slips like "This white boy!" revealing that they likely internalized a victim narrative about racial injustice, leading to assumptions about privilege. This victim complex seems to be another factor that both undermines academic performance and ultimately contributes to bullying should more successful white students face assumptions about their background and privilege like I did. There are ways to combat this issue, but it needs to be framed carefully because I am describing a politically unpopular truth that might make get called racist by describing the victim complex in some black students. This issue will need to be framed in a more inclusive way without singling out one particular demographic. That is why I mentioned the other demographics that disproportionately struggle academically. They too often feel like the system is rigged against them. This demoralizes them and it makes them feel like there is no point in trying anyway. It might also be a way to protect their self esteem when they fail by blaming things outside of themselves. Tragically this kind of response to academic failure can spiral into drop outs and ultimately criminal activity because these groups might come to feel like they are outsiders and they never had any real chance of success to begin with within the rigged system. In my case I was hurt when this victim complex made me a target for bullying. However, I am not using this to condemn these demographics in general. My goal is ultimately to contribute to an educational environment which helps all students to succeed regardless of their specific background by giving more targeted help combined with these psychological insights rather than generic advice. Once again, the outcomes ultimately contribute to a worse society for everybody, not just the immediate victims of systemic oppression.

@Sugarcoat I would like to give you an update on why I would resist suicide. Sometimes there are evil people who try to target vulnerable people with depression to proxy them into suicide through psychological abuse. In my particular case, my sister is a vulnerable narcissist who intentionally weaponizes my trauma against me knowing the risks and dangers I face. This kind of behavior leaves me with the impression that she may actually want me to kill myself, especially since she clearly enjoys my suffering. I refuse to reward this kind of behavior by giving evil people the satisfaction of getting away with murder through suicide by proxy. There are many other reasons why I don't want to kill myself, but the most recent addition was that my existence is an act of defiance against this great evil that I will not yield to. As I type this there are actual Nazis using this method of suicide by proxy to get away with murder, and I met one of the survivors who witnessed her friend as she was provoked into suicide by this method by present day Nazis. Perhaps we could say that this adds another layer of a sense of social responsibility because of the kind of society I want to contribute to by rewarding love and resisting hate.

I am dealing with a terrifying situation. I have a narcissistic family with members who are aware of my severe depression, PTSD, and trauma who are actively weaponizing my deepest psychological wounds against me. They are aware of my risk of suicide, yet they have already pushed me to acting on these suicide plans despite pretending to care on the surface while keeping the abuse hidden from others so they will gaslight me about the situation. It may be the case that my sister wants me dead and her abusive tactics could be a manifestation of homicidal intent. The reason suicide by proxy is the perfect murder is because it is nearly impossible to prove that the psychological and emotional abuse targeted at a vulnerable person is attempted murder. There are many layers of plausible deniability. All the perpetrators have to do is pretend to be caring on the surface and then use various covert methods of undermining the victim's sanity while framing their mental health as the problem. In fact suicide by proxy is on the rise and it has overtaken direct murders in intimate partner violence. Furthermore there are Nazis who are increasingly using these tactics of suicide by proxy in order to cover their murders and they are getting away with it. Presently there are almost no legal protections against this method of murder. Presently the suicide statistics are wrong because many of those were likely murders and involved abusive relationships which led to the suicide. There seems to be almost no way to figure out how many of those suicides are actually murders. In my case the psychological and emotional abuse I experienced has resulted in symptoms of PTSD such as nightmares, severe anxiety, inability to stop ruminating, insomnia, and so forth. I am especially vulnerable to this because as an individual with autism I am about 10 times more sensitive to this kind of abuse and it is much more likely to lead to PTSD in autistic individuals. In my case my survival instincts prevented me from carrying out my plans and I ultimately survived. In the case of my family they use all the classical tactics of narcissists. They use DARVO, minimization, victim blaming, weaponized morality, and even weaponized trauma all while avoiding accountability whenever possible. This type of abuse is designed to make the victim seem crazy which is why therapists who are not trained in abusive relationships often blame the victim and pathologize the trauma responses. Like my family, I also had therapists who would push religious frameworks on me such as Jesus and forgiveness which simply do not apply to this situation. This kind of response served to cause me religious trauma on top of the previous trauma. It is obvious that my family and many therapists have no interest in understanding my world view or my sense of morality as they simply project motives onto me that don't exist and then try to put me in these narrow categories of faith or reason. It is obvious to me that my sister and my mother match the description of vulnerable narcissists. My sister in particular shows obvious signs of enjoying the suffering she causes others including me when she weaponizes PTSD against me. This is common in narcissistic individuals and in the case of vulnerable narcissists, the personality disorder often stems from abandonment trauma such as my father fleeing the state to avoid paying child support. My sister was old enough to remember this, which likely instilled her with deep anger and a sense of betrayal. Once my father started showing surface level sexist favoritism toward me which was actually part of a psychopathic scheme of his, my sisters turned against me even more. I became a symbol of my sisters' unworthiness and thus became an even bigger target to them. In narcissistic individuals this could be a source of homicidal intent, but once again it is nearly impossible to prove because of how deceptive and manipulative such people are. Unfortunately, explaining these dynamics to my family is impossible. It is like trying to tell the family that there is a child molester among them. They will rush to the defense of the abuser and blame the victims. Families typically refuse to believe that someone they love is deeply cruel and deceptive. The same happens in cases of covert psychological abuse and suicide by proxy. In such cases, the victim would be blamed and gaslit by the entire family. The family members in my case are either participating in the abuse and denying that it even is abuse or they are ignorantly applying religious frameworks to me as if my behavior is a moral failure due to not forgiving people who may want me to commit suicide. There needs to be more advocacy for the victims of suicide by proxy in these abusive relationships. We can't let evil win by exploiting these legal weaknesses, and our refusal to commit suicide is an act of resistance against these people. Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths think they are clever in their ability to manipulate people and systems to their bidding, and we must not reward this behavior by killing ourselves as they likely want this in many cases. If you are a victim of an abusive relationship, then you must not let these people break you. You must do whatever you can to understand yourself, your trauma, and their abusive tactics clearly so that you can protect yourself from harm. I understand that it is far easier said than done as I myself was driven to suicide attempts and the mental health system failed me when I reached out for help. We ultimately need a better system to protect trauma survivors, but until then we must find other ways to support each other. I understand their antics clearly. Now that I do, their guilt tripping and manipulative tactics no longer work on me. I will not engage in their shit and I will not let them twist my words to turn me into the perpetrator. I urge any victims reading this to do whatever you can to protect yourself even if it is from somebody you love. Don't let your love for them blind you to the abuse as sometimes they are counting on that and they will mix surface level love and compassion with hidden abuse to confuse you. You were always worthy of authentic love, but unfortunately such people may not be able to provide it to you.

I continued to research institutional corruption. I previously explored institutional capture of the government and various forms of propaganda designed to legitimize geopolitical goals. As I continued questioning the government, I ultimately hit the bottom of the entire structure which demonstrates that all governments are inherently illegitimate. The core problem is the problem of authority. When trying to legitimize who should and should not have power, it creates an infinite regress which ultimately leads to circular logic or a groundless assertion. For example, imagine a government where the King has power because he was appointed by the church. Then the church has authority because they follow the Bible. Then the Bible has authority because the church says so. The infinite regress problem of legitimate authority applies to all governments including today's governments. In the case of America, we are not actually a democracy, we are a constitutional republic. This is an important distinction because our system is inherently anti-democratic and it is designed to function without majority consent due to representatives and disproportionate voting power for rural Americans. In theory the federal government is designed to operate even if nobody votes for the next president and the electoral college does not have to follow popular vote anyway. Even so, our government pretends that it has authority due to the people's consent, when really the system is designed to operate without our consent. On top of that there appears to be a hierarchy of rights with some rights having stronger protections than others, but who gets to say what is and is not a right? If you try to use any system of logic or rationality to determine these things, then who gets to say what is and is not rational? Once again, there is an infinite regress problem. If you follow the logic of the American government all the way down, it is fundamentally groundless and arbitrary. The government supposedly is able to operate this way because of the Constitution it is supposed to uphold. However, we can ask the question, "why does the Constitution of the United States have any authority whatsoever?" Ultimately, the Constitution has authority because the founding fathers said so. But, who elected the founding fathers and gave them the authority to make the constitution? In the end the founding fathers didn't have any legitimate authority. They were largely wealthy white men who just inserted themselves and decided they had the authority to make all of these decisions that would affect all of these people even though they only cared about a small percentage of the population anyway. From a certain point of view, the American government like all governments were never legitimate to begin with because the formation of the government always involves somebody just asserting they have the authority to make these decisions. I thought about how I would form a government, and ran into a problem. Even if my intentions are pure and I want what is best for the maximum number of people, then what would give me the right to implement such a system even though I would never get unanimous consent? Why would I have the right to make these decisions for hundreds of millions of people? If it is impossible to get everyone to agree, then in a sense any governmental system must be coercive in some way and without the consent of all of the people it claims to serve. The implications are that if all governments are fundamentally groundless, then there is no moral obligation to follow the laws they made. Future generations can't possibly consent to the system they were born into. Ultimately, all laws must boil down to coercion through threats or violence designed to control people who never agreed to the system. Operating within governmental structures becomes purely pragmatic, but this never solves the inherent problem of illegitimate governance. There seems to be no amount of reform within the system that could change this inherent contradiction, which might be why political attempts at solutions often fail as those making the decisions fundamentally have no ground for their authority. The logical conclusion of this line of reasoning is Anarchism. Unanimous consent is practically impossible, thus governance must be coercive. All governments begin through arbitrary assertions of authority. Nobody can legitimately speak for millions of people without their explicit consent. In fact almost everybody operating under any system of government never gave their consent to begin with, they were just born into it. From a certain point of view, government itself can't be truthful because it is inherently dishonest and must be pragmatic just like our participation within it. All governments must operate under the lie that they are legitimate and have the right to make decisions for millions of people who never agreed to it. Seeing as pragmatically, a society might need some form of law and order, how can we design a system with minimal illegitimate authority? Perhaps in theory it would be like a cooperative system with everybody having an equal say. However, this might carry its own problems like adjudicating what we should do when not everybody can agree. If we do a voting system, then that is still tyranny of the majority and it can be used to oppress minorities, although this still might be better than tyranny of the minority. I don't know how advanced humanity would have to be in order to transcend the need for a government altogether and what the resulting system might look like. This is a difficult problem that I don't know how to solve and there may not be any possible solution.

@Yeah Yeah I've spoken with coworkers about these deeper problems. What I discovered is that most of them are afraid to even think about these realities. They know that just like me, they had their dreams taken away from them and now they are doing menial labor and it all feels meaningless. We are just working dead end jobs until we die and being miserable all the way through. There is no reward for any of this and it is existentially terrifying when we think about how meaningless our suffering and our life is in all of this. We are not doing what makes us happy and we are just a tool to make someone else rich while we live our entire lives in a system that created artificial scarcity so we have to struggle to survive in a meaningless life. From a certain point of view we would be better off dead because we are essentially slaves, we have been deprived of the pursuit of happiness, and we are now living a life devoid of any passion or dream as if it is somehow noble. This moral front is ultimately hollow because deep down none of this is even acceptable and the moral appeals are just to make our suffering feel noble so we will tolerate it.

This is how the devil works. The very tools we use to distinguish good and evil gets co-opted in order to obscure the injustice. This is why moral persuasion is often futile. It creates an epistemic corruption which renders our sense of morality useless. The same applies to all of logic and reason. These tools are not inherently truth seeking and depend on an assumed agenda. You can use reasoning for things other than truth and this is why truth can lose a debate. The devil corrupts our very tools for understanding goodness and truth, thereby maintaining the injustice through obscuring it with all the obfuscations and pseudo moral appeals. Morality literally is the devil's favorite tool.

My family continues to teach me wrong, but now I simply reject their teachings. They are now telling me that I can't let things go again. I don't fall for these antics because the narcissistic traits and behaviors have never gone away. On top of that they clearly don't understand autism because people with autism are more sensitive to emotional abuse and are more likely to develop symptoms of PTSD which they dismiss as character flaws. To me this is not about holding grudges. I am going to protect myself from people who cause me PTSD and drive me to suicidal behavior. Furthermore, they are trying to discredit my understanding of psychology claiming that my assertion of being self-taught is somehow arrogant. They claim they understand abuse better than me because they lived it and had it worse than me. I refuse to engage with people who project their motives onto me. I am not the person they say I am and I will not let them guilt trip me and I will not fall for their lies.

I come from a deeply dysfunctional family, and I have internalized a lot of messages that were taught to me. Part of this is due to some of my family members being narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, or all three simultaneously. I ended up being taught a lot of lies in the process and they proved to be damaging. These were not just lies they explicitly told me, but also lies I internalized based on the environment that was created. 1. Sexual boundaries are obvious: As a child I was given a lot of mixed messages around sexual boundaries. Sometimes the girls would get undressed in the living room which annoyed. Sometimes my Grandpa would look at porn. Meanwhile I was exposed to environments at school where boys were looking up girl's skirts and crossing various sexual boundaries. The resulting environment created deep confusion in me around what sexual boundaries are acceptable because I wasn't given any consistent framework. 2. I am sexual predator: As a result of these confused boundaries I started having dreams that children should not have. This included dreams of my uncle molesting me and my sister. When I was six I repeated the behavior I was exposed to with my four year old sister. Once my mother discovered this, she held me to the standards of an adult. This became a severe form of psychological abuse with sexual themes that created many of the same psychological problems of religious trauma and CSA. I became deeply conflicted with any sexual feelings which I came to view as predatory. The chaotic internal state made me feel like I could not trust my impulses and I might become a predator. This event led to an entire belief system that was based on lies. 3. I can't be trusted with kids: When I was three my father fled the State to avoid paying child support. Without any other reference point, I believed that this was how the world works. Therefore, I became avoidant of romantic relationships and raising kids. I would imagine scenarios like me manipulating a woman and then abandoning her like Dad did to Mom. I'm not actually like this, but due to my fear of abandoning my kids I decided to avoid having kids altogether. I would then generate rational sounding reasons as to why I would want to avoid romantic relationships. 4. Being the bigger person: Due to the deep shame I carried, I became easy to manipulate through weaponized morality. Being the bigger person would translate into tolerating abuse while taking on undue blame. I went through a dramatic change once I became wise to the narcissistic tactics and now the family is confused by my new behaviors. They can project all day telling me to let go of the past or be forgiving, but ultimately I am protecting myself from bad faith actors who want to capitalize on my moral instincts. It is obvious that they care more about power and control than they do genuine goodness, and the proof is how much they start bashing in the aftermath of an argument when they win. 5. My grandpa was evil: As a child my grandpa and I loved each other deeply. We had a close bond because he filled the void my father left behind through abandonment. I was distraught when my grandpa died, and was clear that it was worse than most people at the funeral when I collapsed. My father recognized this and he used it as a tool to manipulate me. He would make up various stories about my grandpa while positioning himself as someone who could protect me from the abusive situation at home. He showed textbook grooming behaviors by isolating me from others in the family while mixing love bombing with threats of abandonment. The stories he made up about grandpa included things he said on his death bed that didn't happen. He created a narrative of redemption from criminal behavior throughout the history of the family and framed me as the one to break the cycle. I was vulnerable to this kind of manipulation because of the deep shame I held and the need to prove my worth through purpose. My father seemed to be studying me as he organized his manipulative behavior around what my triggers were. He would then undermine my trust in my grandpa by telling stories about how he was a gangster that gave him guns and enabled his criminal behavior. In order for this to be true, my grandpa would have had to have gotten out of jail, reformed, become a police informant, and then encourage his son to coerce people with his guns while actively working to take down those gangs as a police informant. The stories he made up about his father served his manipulation. My grandpa was the only one in the family who had offered me genuine love and my father hijacked this love for his own purposes. 6. Family values: Typically healthy advice about relationships simply do not apply to families like mine. Open communication will only give them more tools to manipulate you. There is this pseudo moral appeal about love and family values, but they are frequently applied in ways to make me tolerate abuse. If you are dealing with narcissists, then they could easily hijack any typically healthy value system like these and weaponize it against you. Healthy relationships are not possible with people just because you were born to them. You need to find people at a high enough level of development in order for any healthy relationship to be possible. I simply am not compatible with my family. 7. I deserved harsh treatment: I remember when my Mom hit me and yelled that she had been going too easy on me for being the only boy. This message seemed to stick with me as I isolated myself in my room. I inwardly became increasingly harsh on myself. Seeing as my mother never had any consistent moral standards, this was likely a problem with her and her narcissistic behaviors. 8. My sisters deserved empathy and understanding: My father had no interest in his daughters and only wanted to see me on my own to make his manipulation easier. My sisters were jealous of this sexism. My mother and grandmother wanted me to be understanding of them, which led to me feeling guilty for my father's favoritism while feeling sorry for them. However, my sisters still learned various narcissistic behaviors from my mother. Once they learned about everything my father had done to me, they started weaponizing this trauma against me and failed to extend the same love and empathy. It is because of this behavior that I refuse to see my older sister. Under normal circumstances it is good to love and have empathy for others who suffer, however if they are narcissists then they will use the vulnerability this creates against you. This led to a strong sense of betrayal and my sister continue to act like this to this day while keeping it hidden from other family members so they can all gaslight me. This is common in covert narcissism which is often the result of adverse childhood experiences and learned behaviors from dysfunctional parents. 9. I was a hero: As a child I was afraid of my stepfather and I was afraid for my younger siblings as my mother was blowing money on drugs. Seeing as the parents had failed I developed parentification in which I felt it was my responsibility to protect my younger siblings from them. My father saw this in me and knew that my heroism could ultimately be used for his own purposes. He took the information I gave him about Mom and then started using it against her in court to get out of paying child support. All of this was done under a fabricated purpose of redemption by freeing the family from the criminal cycle which my father was part of. Although I was ultimately successful in saving my mother's life, protecting my siblings, and getting my stepfather evicted, I still felt hollow inside. Ultimately, I never was the one who needed redemption. I was operating under a false purpose that was never mine because I was struggling with things like depression and I was trying to justify my existence through meaningful action. Although my actions were genuinely heroic, it came from a purpose that was never mine as it was my family who needed to redeem themselves and not me. 10. Learned racism: Some of my family members were racist and I went on to repeat their racist beliefs in school. It helped that later I did my own research into history in order to debunk various myths about black people for example. I also came to believe racist beliefs about Muslims which I no longer follow. Some of the racist myths included things like selective breeding and why segregation persists. I probably do have some unconscious bias against black people that is very difficult to overcome even though I logically understand these racist beliefs are not true. There are some sociologists who argue that deep down most people are unconsciously racist on some level and it is hard to eliminate entirely. I may also have some unconscious sexism as well. Although I never accepted the sexist narratives my father taught me because they contradicted what I learned in school, I could still be sexist in some other way. I think it has to do with things like race and gender stereotypes. There are probably many more things my family taught me that was not true. I'm curious to see what others come up with. Maybe you will be able to identify common parenting mistakes in the process.

@Yeah Yeah You are seeing what I am seeing. Society is full of weaponized morality and victim blaming. The reason this happens is because society must blame the victim, otherwise it has to admit dysfunction which would require changes that hurt those in power such as the wealthy. This is not just society, but this is the same pattern across any abusive system. For example, in an abusive family if a child tells her family that her Uncle is molesting her, then the little girl will be blamed for making up stories because nobody wants to admit that the Uncle could be someone deeply cruel and deceptive because they love him. All abusive and unjust systems depend on victim blaming. Can't get a promotion? Then just work harder like the son of the CEO! It is all complete bullshit. You need to train yourself to see through this victim blaming so you do not internalize all the shame. Learn to place the blame where it belongs and it will help you find peace within yourself.

I am going to deny that I match your evaluation. I have changed a lot over the past several months and I'm no longer the same as before. I am much more peaceful and don't feel depressed at all. However, circumstances could change that bring back the sense of feeling hopeless, trapped, and better off dead, so I need to protect myself still. The main thing that has changed is that I now see through the psychological abuse of my narcissistic family. This includes my mother who convinced me I was a sexual predator when I was six and it was one of the root causes of the suicidal thoughts as I felt unworthy of life. Rather than internalizing blame and shame, I learned to place the blame where it belongs and it is very liberating. This includes institutions that are full of victim blaming, not just my family. Therefore, by extension I am deconstructing government systems. I don't really care about controlling the government. I have already accepted that it is impossible long ago. I can't even get my narcissistic family to stop blaming and gaslighting me. I just accept that they are full of shit and it has nothing to do with my actual worth as a human being. Attempts to control the government would likely be just as futile. Instead I prefer to understand systems and then look for how I can use this understanding to navigating them and build a better life for myself. I don't have to worry about changing the system because the entire American government is designed to resist change anyway and it has only become worse through institutional capture. The American government will probably just have to collapse through debt and geopolitical disaster if the government keeps putting people like Trump in power. My opinion matters very little in stopping the institutional capture of the government that might destroy our country in the next 5-10 years. Currently I'm largely just following my interests and I seem to gravitate toward deconstructing propaganda and lies that I was taught. I'm not sure what you mean by me needing institutions to ensure my integrity. There are institutions that actively undermine my intellectual integrity such as indoctrination in schools that prevents critical thinking. There are institutions that undermine my moral integrity by teaching me obedience to authority which can be bad in some contexts. Maybe you mean I need institutions to ensure that a crazy fucker doesn't rape and murder me. In order to survive those situations I would need to change my character dramatically or have institutions that prevent this. In practice we still need some kind of law and order to prevent bad faith actors from harming others, but this still does not solve the legitimacy problems which philosophers seem to have no clear answer for.

@Never_give_up for me, I dealt with these unachievable desires by accepting that I am good enough without them. For example, I wanted to be a professional chess player. However, I discovered systemic barriers which could not be overcome through effort alone. I tried and tried only to be met with frustration. I had practiced for thousands of hours and beat a national master. I wanted this to be my career. What changed is that I recognized that the grandmaster title to me was nothing more than another label for self worth. It is ultimately hollow to me. In addition to that by recognizing the privilege that professional players often had over me, I was able to accept the outcome of my circumstances. In a sense you could say I gave up the dream, but on the other hand when I accepted I was good enough without making this career, I no longer felt the need to keep exhausting myself with tournaments. I occasionally look at board games when they interest me but I don't need to study them obsessively to be the best and prove worth when effort alone does not change the outcome. In the case of something like University, it is true that those people may have more career opportunities than you. On the other hand, often times college boils down to credentials over deep understanding. Society sets up the illusion that people are superior to you because of a degree, but that does not actually make them more intelligent. In the case of University, maybe you will find a way to complete and maybe you won't. Regardless, you do not need the degree itself to prove your worth relative to others. This entire game is independent of worth and you are good enough whether you get the degree or not. Ask yourself, is the degree mainly more external proof of your worth? If so, then achieving the degree likely will not solve the problem because low self worth is internal and cannot be changed by any attained titles or credentials. Of course you can still try to get the degree if you want, it just won't be held as proof of your value as a human being.

@Sugarcoat when you describe the deep emptiness with nothing positive about it when taking things like DMT you sound like you are describing the void. In trauma and depression survivors consciousness work often leads to this deep empty void with no love. What would normally be an experience of God's overwhelming love often gets deteriorated by the present trauma and can turn this love into pure terror or in your case possibly deep sadness. What you are describing is one of the limits people with depression and trauma might have when trying spirituality. I have experienced that as well. For me it was terrifying and not loving. The way I work through this is to accept that I am the abyss. I do not reject it and I do not try to sugar coat it. I don't fight this deep emptiness as it is not something that you can simply will yourself out of. It is a state that has been created by the perpetual absence of love, but it is not as permanent as it may seem. Love is still possible, but it will not be easy with these kinds of struggles.

@Sugarcoat I see you are comparing yourself to people who have it worse than you. This is a common perception in things like survivors guilt. The entire framework of treating others as having it worse than you is designed to invalidate your own feelings and pers perspective. I know that these thoughts patterns rooted in depression can be very fucking stubborn and hard to break, but it is possible. It requires being mindful of when your mind is following a belief that is familiar independent of what is true. You will need to separate your identity from the story being told. It is easier said than done, but it is possible to break out of these kinds of self defeating frameworks. Don't worry if others have it worse than you. Your perspective is still unique and valid regardless of any such comparisons.these comparisons do not actually help the people who have it worse than you get better. It is actually self punishment disguised as nobility and humility. I want you to one day find love. It will be when these comparisons are no longer needed at all and you can operate as your deepest self beyond this torture you are describing.

@Sugarcoat for me I was unable to die by suicide for lack of access to a fire arm. In mental health facilities there are lots of people like me who agree that they would be dead if they had a gun. Without an easy method of suicide, my survival instincts foil most of my plans. It could be cutting myself or jumping off a bridge. This is psychologically more difficult to do then putting a gun to head and killing yourself. Survival instincts are likely the reason why most suicide attempts fail. Beyond that if you want to stop your suicidal thoughts, then I my experience you need to do deeper work than mere affirmations. You need to deconstruct the entire framework that has taken over and step outside of it entirely. In my case I find that self love is possible once I stop operating within a framework that my abusive family taught me. For you it probably is something different, but at least in some cases it is possible to stop suicidal thoughts with deep enough inner work. Beneath these dysfunctional frameworks is ultimately natural, unconditional, and present love. I don't know if your situation is beyond something like how trauma hijacks the entire psychological system. You mention your situation is bad. I might need to look through this thread and find what is happening to you to make you feel this way. I will not judge you for reacting this way as I often felt that way myself.

I have a question about the implications of the Kennedy assassination. Is it fair to say that the military industrial complex gained more control and influence over the government following the assassination, and that this influence continues to this day regardless of which party is in power? If so, then it indicates that there is not much that can be accomplished through the democratic process as this institutional capture is very deep and ingrained in our system. It creates a policy lock in situation which is nearly impossible to change even when American foreign policy is clearly disastrous and self-destructive.

I did some further research on this matter. It seems to have led to even more uncertainty and questions rather than clear answers. What I found was that the only other nation that did its own investigation into the assassination was the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union concluded that there was likely a right wing conspiracy to assassinate the President and put Johnson in power. Although the Soviet conclusions seem to align with my analysis of the evidence, they still have credibility problems. First of all, the Soviet Union spread disinformation campaigns all the time. They were constantly looking for ways to sabotage the US and become the sole superpower. Concluding that Johnson was behind the assassination of the previous President would delegitimize him, break the unity of the American people, and set the seeds for a revolution, destabilizing the US further. Furthermore, they have not released the specific evidence for their conclusions or their methods of investigating the matter. The implications are that the Soviet Union may have been the original source of the conspiracy theory that the deep state was responsible for killing Kennedy. I can't take the Soviet Union's word for it without seeing the specific proof. They might be right that there was foul play by a rogue faction in the CIA, but they have strategic interests served by their conclusions. Secondly, all other nations did not weigh in on the matter. They did not release any evidence at all. It would make sense that allies would not release information that would contradict the US narrative as it might destabilize the relationship. The official narrative has serious credibility problems because of the repeated lies and systematic destruction of evidence. However, from this point of view it looks like neither source can really be trusted. I require specific evidence and methods, but nobody is willing to provide it.

@Charli Are you talking about Operation Mongoose? Or are you talking about some other operation? What happened in this one and what is the proof?

@kray I strongly agree that it is more helpful to figure out why someone believes something. There are stories about former anti-semites who were raised by parents with those beliefs. As children they just soaked in what they were told since before they could read. Often times it is easy to assume that someone with crazy beliefs is acting evil or in bad faith, but sometimes upon closer inspection you can see their humanity. This is the key to ultimately changing such people rather than just arguing with the surface beliefs. If their fundamental framework for understanding reality is not changed, then debating them probably will not help.

These kinds of debates seem to be designed to just make the people we don't like look like idiots. If we already know that they are idiots, then this is probably just entertainment. Something helpful would have to go far beyond debating the right wing and try to convince them that they live in an entirely false sense of reality.

In my experience, if any psychological system serves your survival well enough in a given context, then the brain will create the neural pathways necessary to cause you to hold it as true. One does not necessarily have conscious control over these biological processes especially sense a child's bond with their parents is usually automatic whether they are harmful and stupid or caring and intelligent. Considering how a child's mind develops, it is easy for them to adopt all of these beliefs because they have a limited capacity for rationality as they treat their parents as simply the arbiters of truth. The outcome is that in adulthood, it would take a lot of conscious effort in order to start undoing these neural pathways that often operate beneath our conscious awareness. From this point of view, I see religious people as largely the result of their circumstances. For example, If I were born in the middle east, then maybe Islam would serve my survival and it creates a strong incentive to make a self-deception convincing enough for me to believe in Islam. This self-deception process would likely happen automatically without a conscious choice. Once my sense of reality becomes tethered to any religion or ideology, it becomes psychologically threatening to undo it, therefore most people stay within the range of what they were taught as kids. When people stay stuck in this kind of narrow worldview, it can indeed make them seem very stupid. In fact I have encountered multiple therapists who insisted that I prayed despite the practice not fitting with my spiritual views. Religion therefore corrupts other fields whether it is psychology, science, the educational system, the government, and so on. Making everybody think like you becomes the ego game in which the religious ideologue thinks they are saving people, but actually they are just bringing themselves deeper into self-deception.