Ya know

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Everything posted by Ya know

  1. Hey. I'm looking for answers. I'm a 23 year old guy who's had a girlfriend, but never actually liked her, nor wanted to pursue sex with her. We mutually split due to disinterest (like 4 years ago) and since then I haven't genuinely been interested in anyone else. I think I may have anxiety around communicating with women who I don't know in a PUA way, but maybe that's violating social norms. Beliefs around acceptable behavior type of thing. Where it gets a bit weirder (and embarrassing) is that I have a severe addiction to pornography. And I mean severe. Like everyday I'll do it no matter what, no matter how hard I try. I've done porn blockers, mediating, goal setting. None of that stuff works. And the porn has gotten gayer, and gayer until it's so gay I can't even call myself straight anymore. So my questions are: How do you know if you are gay or straight? Is it possible to warp your mind through pornography to the point where women no longer interest you? Does anyone else have similar experiences? As a side note, I haven't had strong romantic feelings for anyone except one guy that I met through another social circle. So maybe this is an obvious scenario (Gay porn + infatuation with guy = gay) but I don't know what is ''true'' or real. Any opinions are appreciated. Also, I had a traumatic upbringing with an older sibling which has really warped my perception of women. While I don't struggle interacting with them in a basic manner I kind of have the feelings that subconsciously I avoid them like the plague, nor want to place myself in any vulnerable position around them. I'm going through therapy and being proactive, I just thought I'd try and get other perspectives.
  2. I've built up to a 1 hour per day meditation habit that I've abandoned the last two days out of depression. I've also been going to therapy which has involved forgiving my abusers which has made me feel like absolute shit. Does anyone have any advice? My mind feels genuinely fucked and I don't want to do anything at all. I feel like quitting my job and doing nothing for the next 100 years. Killing myself would be good but I don't have access to a gun, so my options are lame.
  3. @Elisabeth Disapproval from my family I think. And the negative opinions of other people. I think that's the main two. Maybe... I don't know. I think I have this image of being a macho chad type dude who is hell alpha (which I hate being but was my role in highschool) and I'm clinging to it despite hating it. I'm scared to shed my identity and be myself for fear of being genuine. As for unwanted consequences.. I know today is a lot better, but being a "minority" is lame. I think I have internalized homophobia from my dad. I remember one time when gay people came up and he said - "I'm glad our kids haven't turned out like that" when I was like 13. Minor I know but it's kinda stuck with me.
  4. @remember haha... I guess I should have mentioned I've had sex with two guys. Am I in that much denial that i can't admit that I'm gay? Why is my brain like that. Does anyone have explanations on the psychology of denial and the refusal to acknowledge reality? Like.. shouldn't at this point I be accepting of the fact that I'm gay? Werid. I genuinely am very confused.
  5. @Leo Gura Do you have any explanations for homosexuality? Or theories on it? I don't get.. why? It doesn't really make sense. Evolutionarily it seems whack. Like, I'm "supposed" to be attracted to women to propogate my genes. Ive seen your reproduction is an illusion video but, I dunno.
  6. @DrewNows how do i get to the root of who I am? Keep meditating?
  7. Really? Seems a bit.. drastic. If you ever have any gay thoughts your gay? Who knows I guess. Its funny because I spent so much time investigating pick up stuff, red pill stuff, reading mark manson models, book of pook and was so invested in the intellectual aspect of sexuality and attraction I never actually wanted to apply it in real life. Whenever I was presented with the opportunity to use it I never felt compelled to. But then I met a guy I was infatuated with and did every noob mistake under the sun, demonstrated neediness, low value, asked too,many questions and had a scarcity mindset. Usually none of these insecurities would pop up when talking to women. Weird. Do these laws of attraction apply to homosexual relationships? I feel like they are a bit more shallow and rely on instant attraction rather than the stuff I've researched. Edit: plus.. most guys are straight lol.
  8. Thanks. I probably rushed into the forgiveness thing which has really fucked me. My therapist recommended writing a letter forgiving everything which has ruined my mood. I had an insane rage while meditating that followed me breaking down and crying. That was two days ago and I've felt depressed ever since. I called in sick for work and now I'm just lying in bed. I don't really know what else to do but I've been on the verge of tears for days. I know I "shouldnt" be a victim and I've maintained good habits for so long but I just want to eliminate them all and forget about ever trying to improve because of the pain it's caused. Ps. I wrote this. It's an excerpt of a bigger piece. "The horizon is ever expanding and ceaseless as a child growing up and being tormented at every opportunity, without purpose. Years seem like decades in those formative years. Seconds like minutes, minutes like hours, hours days. So if you have the misfortune of growing up with a monster who everyone sees as an angel, you are in for a horrific ride. Placed inside an ever turning hourglass as you are perpetually disorientated with grains of sand abrasively scratching you, rubbing your skin raw. Crying out for help but no one hearing your incased in glass. Ignored at every opportunity as this creature has its toy. Shaking it, throwing it around the room, verbally abusing it, doing whatever it's horrible reptile heart desires."
  9. I think it means generous in the sense of "giving time" or "willingness to receive new information". Essentially openess.
  10. ''All generous minds have a horror of what are commonly called 'Facts'. They are the brute beasts of the intellectual domain.'' What is your interpretation of this idea? For me, I think it bemoans people who use ''facts'' (Something they believe to be true) in intellectual discussions as full stops. Something that cannot be expanded upon and used as an impediment for further research. This is pernicious in a number of ways, but primarily because people can become comfortable in the limited scope of what they ''know'' (which may or may not be true) and rest on their laurels, and are resistant to new information. It also provides a smug sense of superiority as people can cite majority rules on information, without being directly knowledgeable on whatever it is they are opining on. Finally it encourages close mindedness, adhering to what is ''common knowledge'' without probing further, or feeling the need to. A quote I came up with regarding this idea is: ''A fact is a reason, but you can't reason with a fact'' What do you think?