PepperBlossoms
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Posts posted by PepperBlossoms
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I guess it is like, okay you are XX years old, the clock is ticking.
You've decided you know you don't know and may never know how reality works and you are kinda okay with that.
You've decided that you may die with no money or billions of dollars and you may die anyway, regardless.
You've decided that you used to put so much effort into school, tennis, and work and now here you quit your profession, quit your sport, and feel scared about trying hard at something again.
Ah uh you started the Ego Development videos and never finished. You started the books and never finished writing/editing them. You have ideas about going onto a podcast to talk about your books/experience but also kinda want to get the book done first BUT AREN'T ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING TO FINISH THEM.
I noticed that I fear people who have high integrity when it comes to getting stuff done because I have realized that I am very bad at getting stuff done.
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It was so nice not doing anything and I am realizing if I take a job I will go back to being confined, go back to the schedule, go back to only doing certain things.
My bf gets upset at me and I keep on messing up and mishearing him. I love the conversations but I fear I am not the best person.
This is scared, anxious me talking.
Yesterday I was thinking, oh all I want is a quiet, calm mind. The day before, all I was thinking was, oh all I want is a quiet, calm house.
I am so lucky to be able to stay at my parents place, they have 2 houses, but can see that I can't use this as a forever source.
Uh okay.
All of this life/job stuff, part of me is like, ah this is a joke, this is a circus, this doesn't matter, I don't care about it; but then part of me is aware that money is getting spent every time I get gas or buy groceries and that I am not intaking any money.
It was a nice passage of time when I read the psychology books, when I did like 4 mental health meetings a day, when I talked with suicidal/depressed/CPTSD/angry people online and gave suggestions and what it was like for me, that was all nice, it was nice cleaning my parent's house, but now..........
Things have gotten better with my bf's mom. I spilled the beans about all the dark parts of me and feel so much relief to not have secrets and can just say whatever and that feels amazing.
Uhhhhhhh okay hmm... well ok.
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I have this huge desire to start talking negatively right now about myself but I can also see that the protagonist part of me sees that and is saying, no don't go down that line of thought again, you know where that goes and that it doesn't help, you know what to do, just sit, breathe, meditate, do some chores, be patient.
No don't go to the past. You can stay strong.
Part of me feels like I am going to be floundering and drowning again, that I am not gonna make it again.
But no, that is just an image in the head. You are okay. Everything is still okay.
I impulsively applied for three jobs today, one as a ghostwriter, one for a crisis hotline, and one for a neuropsychology intake thing and now I am freaking out because yeah I was debating on writing or psychology but now I am realizing I may have to actually interview and I am like ahhh what am I doing.
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ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
okay that is me. thanks.
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The IQ test does not test for love or consciousness. So yes one can be high in IQ and still be unloving, cruel, and low consciousness. Just because we are good at one thing doesn't mean we are good at another.
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Imagination. Ease difficult times. Get into flow. Change mood. Get silly. Belly dancing haha. Inspirational.
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There is a weird area with this.
If your friend says they want to suicide (or kill someone else), do you let them do it because that it their truth they think is right or talk them out of it?
If the politician is considering makes your psychedelics illegal, your gay relationships illegal, your female right to have a bank account illegal, forced military work, do you not speak up?
If your parent's truth is that you cannot date your partner unless your partner convert's to the same religion as your parent, do you not speak up?
So again, there is a fuzzy line here. On the absolute scale, sure anyone can think whatever. On the relative scale though, we will still want to convert others to our truth, especially when their truth is dangerous to our survival. (Even the idea, let's not convert others to our truth and just let them have theirs - well even that is a truth one is having and telling others to have).
If our partner is doing something that we think is harmful to the relationship but they think it is okay, we will still try to convince them of our truth to either better understand theirs or to try to get them to adopt ours. We will tend to inspire others to pursue their truths when they are in line with our truths and will tend to talk them out of it when it is not.
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I realized that I was born clueless as to how the world worked and may die clueless as to how it worked. Yes I know people say one can know the Truth, but that just currently isn't my truth. I guess for me, it kinda takes the pressure off, takes the clingyness to one way of seeing things off, takes the desire to prove others wrong off. I realized that we see what we want to see and put great effort into doing so. (So maybe I don't want to see it right now). Whenever I would take a mind altering whatever, I would want to focus on seeing reality's existential being in a different way but the last time, I totally didn't care and the focus was on something else. I was no longer trying to see the existential framework of the paradigm but rather just playing around with concepts inside it.... I was wanting to play with dolls like how when I was little - then I realized how those had totally impacted me and made me want to be a Barbie my whole life without realizing it. Ugh don't buy your daughter's Barbie's unless you want a child who cares about looks over other stuff. Now I am wondering how many girls/women who were subconsciously influenced by Barbie/Bratz.
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2 hours ago, Galyna said:But at the end, there are infinite numbers of variations to explain reality, never ending story, and more fuel for the mind.
Theories collapse immediately when we are leaving the paradigm of the conceptual reasoning and are left "naked", drowning in the raw experience of unknown.
Wow yes that is a very powerful answer.
I am realizing that our (my) obsession with paradigms and exploring and arguing about them may come from being taught about paradigms in the first place and shamed if we did not agree – religion, will go to hell; science – will make a bad grade on your test; relationships - will get in a conflict/divorce; in the wild - could get eaten by a bear. But we were taught about them because others made them up and wanted to convert us to them. They said, "well maybe this explains reality". "Maybe we need to do this because it functions better." We then argue over how is the best way to function, what is the best stuff to be concerned with. These ideas we have keep on changing our paradigm and we always think ours is the best until we find something better but even that is then the best. When there is disagreement with others, it is like super horrible. We are fighting, resisting considering theirs. Why though? Our paradigm currently is incongruent and dismissive of the potential of that paradigm. Why didn’t we just feel fully into it? Well maybe we thought we would be shamed for doing that so we don’t let it go all the way. We don’t take it in fully. Maybe we are so convinced our paradigm is absolute that it doesn’t allow for considering anything else.
The meta of this is that everything mentioned above is itself a paradigm too. I am thinking back to when I was a kid and there was no obsession with paradigms but rather just having fun, playing with toys, making jokes.
Everyone we talk to, every thought we think, every book we read, every place we go, every drug we take is constantly shape shifting our paradigm and the stuff inside it.
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I had the large excessive ego, sometimes it would get to be a very dark experience, and sometimes I would want to be reliant on it for coping but no so much on the last one as much. I also had this thing where I felt like my brain was fried and didn't work as well (I think I wasn't drinking enough water before, during, and after the experience). I found that drinking more water significantly helps. Then there is also the danger of the law not allowing it.
There was also the danger of being so into searching for truth that I was questioning people without considering their feelings/needs/circumstances and came off as an asshole, but yet, to one degree, well those things were definitely worthy of being said but maybe in a different manner and I was also way too pushy on my new insights onto people who were not ready for that type of thinking and it really didn't seem to inspire them either. There is the danger of noting the toxicity in things and then having such a large ego that I called people out on it and ended up tarnishing the relationship (which was probably on marshmallow foundation).
I think I temporarily lost my ability to be proficient at my job and the ability to prioritize tasks (maybe like how pluralist stage cannot prioritize stuff)... but I ended up realizing that that job was not fulfilling either and left anyway.
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Dream: Me(dream(universe(awake/asleep))); Me = God = Dreamer
· I am the dreamer; the dream is the only “here”
Non-duality: Me(consciousness/universe(divisions(perspectives(awake/asleep)))); Me = God = Universe = Consciousness
· I am interacting with myself here
Science: universe(divisions(perspectives(me&others(awake/asleep)))); Me & others = humans
· I am interacting with others here
Christianity: God(creation(universe(me & others (awake/asleep)); heaven; hell)); Me & others = humans
· God is watching me at all times from somewhere else; I interact with others
Simulation Theory: Programmer(code(universe(me & others (awake/asleep)))); Me & others = code
· Programmer coded me from somewhere else
Gnosticism: Place(God in charge of me & others(dream(universe(awake/asleep)) Me & others = humans
· God has trapped me in this dream somewhere else
…
We could have an infinite number of possible combinations/sequences of the above for a potential infinite possible existential paradigms.
God(me & others(dream(universe(awake/asleep(dream(universe(awake/asleep))
**Probably got these a little wrong but this is the general idea..
Also wanted to add that creating comparisons helped me to get out of being attached to one possible paradigm and open to considering many. (Still having one personal paradigm but instead of the paradigm only accepting one view as valid, the paradigm accepts multiple paradigms as potentially valid).
It then makes sense why people could be so against other paradigms, especially more so when stuff closer to the outer ring is different.
The above is kinda written like software and math even though reality is so much more than that.
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13 hours ago, A Fellow Lighter said:In the process of creation, there is something called the mind/body/spirit instrument that I'd like to introduce to you should your interest hold. This instrument is the literal tool of creation. The part that is responsible for the “coming up with visuals” is the mind-instrumental, the mind is form-maker. I'll only continue here if you want me to.
I am interested in hearing more.
13 hours ago, A Fellow Lighter said:Now you have to understand that realising nonduality and realising the process of creation, literally what you're doing now as every moment is a moment of creation, that these are two different things: Nonduality and Creation. And your question seems to be leaning more on the latter - the process of creation.
In discussing creation, I'm not particularly fond of the “Life is a literal Dream” explanation, simply because it overlooks and negates a lot for the person who is interested in learning of the process of creation which deals essentially with meaning, as you have slightly come to notice in your ASC. Yes, existence is something like a dream in relation to nonduality but this is simply because it hardly matters what and how you think of it, for in nonduality all is literally One.
However, with regards to the process of creation, the “life is a dream” paradigm won't get you anywhere. In fact, all this paradigm does is make you care less in realising creation, especially if it is introduced to you as ‘the answer’ rather than a question of exploration. To me, with regards to creation, this is not even an answer because it just raises more and more questions like.. why is God asleep in the first place.. and just leads to a lot of mental masturbation rather than actual progress.
I guess for me, even if the "life is a dream" paradigm may raise more questions, that doesn't mean I have to reject that paradigm as being a potential possibility. I can see that the creation is slightly different. For the dreamer god, the creation is a dream and imagined with the physical world being dreamed. For the nonduality god, there could still technically be a physical world or it too could be all in the mind.
13 hours ago, Galyna said:This is not what non-duality means.
Non-duality, non-dual, not two, in other words, there is no subject and object, all is one, non-duality is when in experience there is no separation between two opposites, for instance: me and the other.
You are confusing non-duality with something else.
Dream paradigm: real vs. illusory for ex. when describing the nature of reality.
Yes I see that with non-duality, we are the Earth and it really isn't death but rather transformation of the self with the self.
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If the existential dream paradigm where all of reality is a dream and there is no one else but me, the dreamer and everything that is happening is me dreaming it, then the biggest mindfuck of all about resisting change because of our entire foundation for our existence changes, the whole thing about resisting truth because we are so comfortable in our current paradigm, then that means that all the advice that anyone in the dream gives to me and the ones that I give to others... then that means it is all for me to take on and the only one that needs to accept the potential existing paradigm change from it being materialist to dream is me.
Question: Do y'all consider non-duality and the dream paradigm to be considered the same paradigm or two separate paradigms? I can see the perspective where the Earth exists after we die (the non-duality paradigm) whereas the one where the Earth is gone after we die (the dream paradigm). The repercussions of that are to not care about what happens with the earth (dream paradigm) or yes care (non-duality paradigm). However, even with the Earth still being here after we die, over the course of infinity, stuff changes and the Earth won't stay forever anyway.
Question: There is the part where we have limited consciousness of what all is going on, as in if others do have minds and they are active even if we are not (materialist paradigm, partial God in non-duality), there is also the part where the only stuff that exists is the stuff we (me) are aware of (dream paradigm) (or non duality paradigm if the "I" is everything with a perspective, all bodies).
It really makes a difference with regards to what paradigm we choose to operate from and how we interpret that paradigm.
Question: I have noted how during non-duality/alternate consciousness experiences, I am having visuals and am putting meaning (words) onto those visuals. Regardless of paradigm, we experience stuff and put meaning on to it. However, the hard part is just like how we come up with words, are we coming up with the visuals that are not just "inside the head" but also those "outside the head as in the entire existence"?
Yes I can see that if the experience allows for a new explanatory system and alters the paradigm, we accept it because it makes sense.
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It does seem like a pretty weird phenomenon - the voices and images in the head.... It is like our mouth isn't moving to create the words but we still hear them even though our ears aren't involved and our eyes don't have to be open or closed to see the images.. but I guess sound and visual is processed in the head and may happen in the same place as the internal dialogue and imagery. Regarding weird phenomenons - Existence seems weird too.
But the internal processes - it is like they are happening and we aren't doing anything to make them happen, or aren't aware of the work involved. Or the stuff happening in the "external", it is like it is happening too but we don't seem to be aware of the work involved there either.
So is there any work actually happening or is it all happening on its own?
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On 4/19/2022 at 7:36 PM, Kalki Avatar said:By negative elites I mean another God-me/you form playing as a royal with a "negative intention" unto himself.
On 4/13/2022 at 10:13 PM, Kalki Avatar said:Do you think only negative elites dont want you to know the truth?
Well, enligthened beings want you to know the truth only partially.
Why would another form not want me to know the truth and how would you know they don't? How do you know there are any other beings other than you?
On 4/13/2022 at 10:13 PM, Kalki Avatar said:They also know the extreme chaos that is to come and they dont want to talk about it either not to cause panic or not be ridiculed.
Extreme chaos is happening all the time. How do you know that they know the future? How do they know?
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@meta_male @Focus Cool thanks! My ex-boss added the gnosticism column ha.
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Hey. I made a google spreadsheet with comparisons of some potential existential paradigms and their consequences. Note that there are probably more than what is listed here and that everyone may have different interpretations/experiences/perspectives/understandings for what each one is like. It is interesting to note how the paradigm we choose to operate from will influence our priorities, values, and decisions. It is also interesting to note how people have had conflicts (myself included ha) and wars over disagreement with this kinda stuff... when all you have to do is put it in a spreadsheet and compare for fun (but it's not so fun when we disagree on what the lines in the spreadsheet should say and are attached to our perspective).... It could be none of these are "truth", it could be one is, it could be a variety.
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19qyscdsXeCfNEswGP352l6n1OsVTucfgPZr3sztKWG4/edit?usp=sharing
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Wow this is really great stuff. Thanks for sharing and thanks to those who commented.
There is more than just this but I got this-
Think about what are your signals (do to create more love, fulfilment, worthwhile, increased capacity for complexity to support the desired mission) and what are your noises (distractions, waste of time, not really adding to life mission, resistance, discomfort)
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For those of you who have hallucinated people or other things that look like people, what did you make of it?
I did for a split second last night. It was a black and white figure with open eyes making eye contact with me a few inches away from me and medium length hair and it floated past my right side. My initial response was this is creepy.
It's hard to know why that happened. I wasn't intentionally trying to see anything.
Other than that, it's just been bug hallucinations occasionally.
All I can think of is that I was listening to this music for a few hours and it put me in the mind space. My great grandma would apparently see people going in and out of the walls. I was looking online and various disorders cause for hallucinations.
This was the music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1czR5v80_IQ
To clarify, it wasn't where I thought I saw something and turned and nothing was there. I saw it and it saw me. The figure was pale white and the hair and eyes were black. Also, I only saw the head, neck, and upper torso. It moved swiftly.
https://www.ghostsandgravestones.com/types-of-ghosts I guess ghosts are a possibility.. if those are real which I have no clue.
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From my perspective, if I am upset with something, I can either change my perspective/understanding so that it is no longer upsetting, change whatever the action is that is so that whatever was making it upsetting to me is no longer happening, increase my capacity to handle upsetting things, or leave the relationship as another option for me to get away from the upsetting.
I could also be saying I am upset about the relationship but I am kinda upset about something else and using the relationship as the scapegoat. I could be operating in black or white thinking and right now I have amnesia and have forgotten the good stuff and am hyper-focusing on the bad stuff and forgetting nuance.
Spiritually, if everything is me, then I am just doing some moving stuff around, which I do constantly anyway like as my fingers move on the keyboard or food moves through my stomach or ideas change from one thing to another.
From my perspective, breakups are really hard and I feel sad for the potential loss and don't want to let go and want to salvage it but also understand everyone has their own situation, needs, etc. and that the present form of me is temporary and is subject to various changes all the time, some of them very hard.
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So this topic was coming up in another setting and I was trying to put some ideas behind the phenomenon.. Here are some of my guesses. Please add if you can think of any.
Possible reasons for why girls hate other girls:
-we need to keep other girls away from our man and children to maintain the family unit as separate from others so that the father stays with our kids and our kids stay with us. we don't want another woman stealing our man to be her partner or taking our children away to mother them herself
-so that we don’t want to have a sexual relation with each other so that we are attracted to men for reproductive purposes
-because our parents or a parent had a preference for boys and so we hate and suppress our femininity because we want to be liked by our parent(s)
-because society deems boys better intellectually
-because we have self hate, insecurity, and anger we project that onto other girls and we are also jealous/envious of other girls, which we relate to more than boys
-because we are using black and white thinking and just focusing on hate but are not looking at love and other nuances
-because we lack social skills, communication, relationship skills; we haven't learned to deal with our triggers; school doesn't teach relationship skills
-because girls are either overly sensitive or overly insensitive and they can jump back from one mode to the next
-because girls are our competition for finding a mate to reproduce with or partner to be with
-because that is the story we tell ourselves
-because certain personality types and certain values clash with each other
-because girls don't like being told by other girls what to do; we want to figure it out for ourselves and live how we want to live
-because we don't like to admit when we are worse than other girls and having them be better than us is a risk to our own survival when they can outcompete us for both men, jobs, and resources for our family/children/selves
-because we think of ourselves as better than the other girls and find faults in them and would rather argue than work together
-because we don't respect other girls partly because we don't respect ourselves and partly because we don't understand our differences between each other
-because we don't have good role models for what healthy female to female relationships look like
-because we have had bad experience after bad experience with girls but have not had this many bad experiences with boys and may get along better with boys than girls (in context, boys and girls may be incentivized to learn to function better together because of reproductive benefits)
-because girls are emotional and putting them all in the room together can be a chaotic, emotional mess sometimes
-because girls may focus on drama and gossip and not take responsibility for things; take the victim mindset; because we are bad at forgiveness
-because we would rather talk than listen and care more about our own ideas than the ideas of others which is hard because relationships need both listening and speaking
-because our brains may tend to be more similarly wired and bodies more similarly built than men so it makes more sense to compare oneself with other women than other men
some of these could be inaccurate but I was just typing whatever popped into my head... also they won't necessarily apply to everyone and will depend on the situation and person/group
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On 3/28/2022 at 10:42 PM, Fuku said:Sorry i advance for my english, not my first language and I'm very tired.
I've always loved art : music, drawing, movies...and I've been creating on and off in those mediums.
For the first time I settled on something that actually looked like it worked for me (music). I've managed to actually finish stuff and even sell them, which was nearly impossible to me (been avoiding finishing and showing what I've been producing my whole life. And I'm getting quite old).
As I started seeing a path I seemed to walk on with confidence for the first time in my life, depression hit me again.
And now I've been pushing back my orders for more than a month where as before I was producing super fast.Does that mean that I somehow don't like creating?
I'm pretty sure I'm usually having fun when I do it, but right now I just can't seem to have any faith in it.
My brain seems to be telling me "give up", but not in a "you can't do it" way..I can't explain why.
I've been training for so long, totally forgetting to consume what I love (read, watch movies, etc...but I always end up not doing it cause I've got so much to learn and try doing music...I'm so behind what everyone is watching, reading, playing, and I miss it a lot but I feel like I'm not allowed to do it cause I'm so old that I have to start a dozen years ago if I want to catch up to the level of the industry), and I reached a goal that's very small but that I thought for me was unattainable, but I also feel something's not right despite all of these efforts.
That's what people usually suggest to do. Work hard in a field you love, remove distractions...but is it possible that some people's path isn't actually to produce something of value and just to consume?
But I can't accept that for some reason. I feel so stuck and I'm getting older. The usual advices doesn't apply. I'm totally lost.You mentioned depression. Question this - what could have caused it, what is it that you are sad about?
Regarding pushing orders back meaning you don't like creating, it is hard to say xyz means abc or that xyz leads to abc. It is hard to know what means what and meaning and definition is kinda a flexible thing but yet still super helpful and pragmatic.
Sometimes we do stuff and then we hit a point where it gets really hard - we don't know how to do it, we lose patience, we get bored, we get lazy, we get uninspired, we are frustrated, something else comes up that needs our attention more or is distracting, we notice some other need that we decide is more important and stop what we are doing to do that, etc.
With regards to having faith in making music, you may need to be more specific. What part? In the software, in the instruments, in the rhythm, in the popularity, in the profits, in the reliability, in the perseverance to keep on going and not stop, in the knowledge, in suggestions, in the time, in the enjoyment, in that this is what I should be doing, in that this is what I want to do? What can you do to get the answer? What can you try, see how it goes, then give yourself feedback, and then make a tweak, try again, etc.?
Life has an opportunity cost it seems where we can only do one thing at a time to a degree. So to stop doing one thing can allow for another. Sometimes the hardest part is just getting started again and getting back in the flow of things and then it gets easier because we start to get dopamine hits. Would hiring someone to help you edit the music, master the music, give advice, train, to sell your stuff, etc. help?
Music making can be as complex or simple as we make it. Yes there is loads and loads of info on the internet and it can feel overwhelming with ALL the various software, add-ons, extensions, methods, tricks, whatever. The fear of missing out, of oh I need to learn this and this and buy this and this and do this and this.. it can be a lot.
I think we can go back and forth where we want to make stuff to where we just want to consume to then wanting to make stuff to then wanting to consume. We don't stay stagnant in just doing one thing and tend to like to switch stuff up to where consuming can get more interesting and then making can be more interesting.
Advice for one person may not work for others and everyone's situation is different. We are all getting older everyday.. or at least in terms of physicalness.
When your brain says to give up, what does it say to do instead and how do you feel about that?
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On 3/25/2022 at 7:19 AM, lisindel said:I just watched the "How to stop judging yourself" video. I completely resonate with the message in the video. For example, I constantly judge my parents for wasting their lives doing useless things, but I judge myself just as harshly when I watch TV or play video games. I also judge them for yelling at each other and fighting constantly. That made me a passive person who never speaks for himself.
While it's definitely a big step to be able to recognize all these judgments I make, I want to know what I can do instead of judging. I can't help but think someone is fat when I see that someone is fat. I also can't help but to think that yelling doesn't solve anything when my parents fight again. What can I think instead?
Here's a question to ponder...
What is wrong with judging and why do you want to stop? Judging can be super fun. It is like making an observation, noticing things, questioning things, etc. We see it from one perspective and we play that out and see where that line of thought takes us. Then maybe we try another perspective/lens/filter/logical reasoning and see where that takes us. Then maybe we change our mind again at some point down that path and diverge again to think about either the origin differently or something down that path differently. Maybe we are contemplating about A and then thinking about A leads to thinking about B which leads to thinking about C which then leads to D then E then, oh wait, now E brought us to revisit B but now B looks different... and stuff like that.
I think it is okay to judge and can be fun and interesting. It can also feel toxic, it can feel threatening, shameful, embarrassing, wrong, right, hopeful, annoying, etc. Judging and saying, oh "my parents waste their times doing useless things." That is a starting point. An initial idea/thought/hypothesis/statement/opinion/experience/story. Now, what else do I see about that that I did not notice initially? Why am I saying what I am saying? What do my parents think of themselves? What does my dog think of my parents? What would someone 10000 years ago think? What does the cactus think of it? But also, why is stuff the way it is? What had to happen for it to be like that? What had to happen for me to focus on my parents and focus on this particular thing and say this particular thing? Why am I feeling/thinking this way and how do I feel and think about how I feel/think? How does my experience differ from my parents, from my dog, from the cactus, etc.?
For me, I say don't try to judge less, actually try to judge more. Judge the judging, experiment with it, question it, tweak it, explore it. It can take you in many places and have great potential. To say, I am going to shut off judging and never judge again... well... now what? One can make an initial observation.. and one can then spend a whole lot of time exploring it more and more and more and it can have so much more nuance, depth/breadth than it did initially.
..
But yeah sure even I know that this response doesn't have enough nuance either and I can judge it too and say, well now let me discuss the antithesis of what I just said and explore that. Let me look at what I didn't focus on (or didn't respond to) and see what else is there. Maybe let me just stop judging this and just start doing some other activity. What are the pros/cons to this activity and how does it compare to the other one? What is good about judging? What is bad about it? How does it work, why do we do it, when do we do it, what are all the ways to do it? Maybe I want to shut off my thoughts and how is that experience like? Maybe I want to think less and that is cool too.
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Something to consider though... it is a blessing and a curse that people are so complex that we don't fully understand them/us. If we were as predictable as a lamp, a pillow, etc., would that get boring? Does the seemingly unpredictable chaos, does it make for challenge, inspiration, for change? But meh maybe I am being too simple here yet again. Maybe even the lamp is so complex, other systems are so complex, that we don't understand those either. There is so much complexity and our individual self only knows so much, only thinks about so much, only has so much experience. If we had the awareness and knowledge of how everything works, how everything is.... would that get boring?
Why do we tend to have the desire to be entertained, to have a good time? Why do we tend to have the hatred of feeling bored, of stuff being too easy or hard, too confusing, too mysterious, too shameful? Why the preference? Ah so many questions! Why I am typing so much to this question? haha
in Self-Actualization Journals
Posted
I think my issue is... well the problem is I don't know what the problem is...
I feel like maybe I haven't mastered stage blue/orange. I used to be super into religion and getting good grades and exercising and practicing my sport everyday and doing my homework to make all A's.... but then I explored stage green/yellow/turquoise and got lost in that and then I lost all of the blue/orange stuff.
So here I am, lacking again in blue/orange, where I don't have a routine, no schedule, no achievement oriented stuff.
I realized that epiphanies were SO EASY in the beginning - I didn't know anything and they amazed me and they came all the time - they were about politics/religion/constructs. Now they take longer to get it seems and are much more subtle; it is more about like facial expressions people make, how I act, what my thoughts are saying and the story I am coming up with. It is much less obvious stuff than the say politics/religion focus I had earlier.
I noticed I am very slow when it comes to chores or getting anything done.
When I switched houses with my parents, well I came to a nightmare. They had gotten the entire house painted, it is a huge house BTW, and it was super dirty everywhere. The air smelled very dirty and every surface was dirty. I wanted to keep the windows open and my mom said no because of humidity. I made it my main focus to clean everyday and it has gotten tremendously cleaner. I still have a few things I could do and have yet to do them yet but there are just so many chores. Big houses are nice but also a pain in the ass when you are the one cleaning the whole thing.
Now I feel like I am just bragging now. Ugh. Okay. I don't know why I am typing on this site but yet here I am again, typing away.