PepperBlossoms

It is weird... actually no it is not weird but anyhoo... I have been thinking about the shame of not working. My dad has 2 siblings that do not work and my mom has 1. I have not been working for a few months now. I was using the "mental health" and "needing to clean the house" and the "I am writing a book" as my excuse for not getting a job. It is just that well.... yes I can try to publish my books.... but I am not doing anything to make that happen... but I already said that. I have been saying the same phrase over and over again - I started writing a book about the hypocritical nature of my job and then I quit my job and was focusing on writing the book but then my mental health went in the toilet and so I focused on that and I never went back to finishing the book. I have the 100k words but I just don't like the editing part.... the part where I need to read over stuff. I have never edited a book before....... Yes I can go to an editor or someone.......

I think my issue is... well the problem is I don't know what the problem is... I feel like maybe I haven't mastered stage blue/orange. I used to be super into religion and getting good grades and exercising and practicing my sport everyday and doing my homework to make all A's.... but then I explored stage green/yellow/turquoise and got lost in that and then I lost all of the blue/orange stuff. So here I am, lacking again in blue/orange, where I don't have a routine, no schedule, no achievement oriented stuff. I realized that epiphanies were SO EASY in the beginning - I didn't know anything and they amazed me and they came all the time - they were about politics/religion/constructs. Now they take longer to get it seems and are much more subtle; it is more about like facial expressions people make, how I act, what my thoughts are saying and the story I am coming up with. It is much less obvious stuff than the say politics/religion focus I had earlier. I noticed I am very slow when it comes to chores or getting anything done. When I switched houses with my parents, well I came to a nightmare. They had gotten the entire house painted, it is a huge house BTW, and it was super dirty everywhere. The air smelled very dirty and every surface was dirty. I wanted to keep the windows open and my mom said no because of humidity. I made it my main focus to clean everyday and it has gotten tremendously cleaner. I still have a few things I could do and have yet to do them yet but there are just so many chores. Big houses are nice but also a pain in the ass when you are the one cleaning the whole thing. Now I feel like I am just bragging now. Ugh. Okay. I don't know why I am typing on this site but yet here I am again, typing away.

I guess it is like, okay you are XX years old, the clock is ticking. You've decided you know you don't know and may never know how reality works and you are kinda okay with that. You've decided that you may die with no money or billions of dollars and you may die anyway, regardless. You've decided that you used to put so much effort into school, tennis, and work and now here you quit your profession, quit your sport, and feel scared about trying hard at something again. Ah uh you started the Ego Development videos and never finished. You started the books and never finished writing/editing them. You have ideas about going onto a podcast to talk about your books/experience but also kinda want to get the book done first BUT AREN'T ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING TO FINISH THEM. I noticed that I fear people who have high integrity when it comes to getting stuff done because I have realized that I am very bad at getting stuff done.

It was so nice not doing anything and I am realizing if I take a job I will go back to being confined, go back to the schedule, go back to only doing certain things. My bf gets upset at me and I keep on messing up and mishearing him. I love the conversations but I fear I am not the best person. This is scared, anxious me talking. Yesterday I was thinking, oh all I want is a quiet, calm mind. The day before, all I was thinking was, oh all I want is a quiet, calm house. I am so lucky to be able to stay at my parents place, they have 2 houses, but can see that I can't use this as a forever source. Uh okay. All of this life/job stuff, part of me is like, ah this is a joke, this is a circus, this doesn't matter, I don't care about it; but then part of me is aware that money is getting spent every time I get gas or buy groceries and that I am not intaking any money. It was a nice passage of time when I read the psychology books, when I did like 4 mental health meetings a day, when I talked with suicidal/depressed/CPTSD/angry people online and gave suggestions and what it was like for me, that was all nice, it was nice cleaning my parent's house, but now.......... Things have gotten better with my bf's mom. I spilled the beans about all the dark parts of me and feel so much relief to not have secrets and can just say whatever and that feels amazing. Uhhhhhhh okay hmm... well ok.

I have this huge desire to start talking negatively right now about myself but I can also see that the protagonist part of me sees that and is saying, no don't go down that line of thought again, you know where that goes and that it doesn't help, you know what to do, just sit, breathe, meditate, do some chores, be patient. No don't go to the past. You can stay strong. Part of me feels like I am going to be floundering and drowning again, that I am not gonna make it again. But no, that is just an image in the head. You are okay. Everything is still okay. I impulsively applied for three jobs today, one as a ghostwriter, one for a crisis hotline, and one for a neuropsychology intake thing and now I am freaking out because yeah I was debating on writing or psychology but now I am realizing I may have to actually interview and I am like ahhh what am I doing.

What worked for you?

Abortion is now illegal in Texas for women 6 weeks pregnant plus one can get $10k for successfully snitching. Other conservative states in the the USA are wanting to follow suit. The Texas website to report people for getting or aiding in an abortion: https://prolifewhistleblower.com/ People flooding Texas system with fake reports because they disagree with it: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/sep/02/texas-abortion-law-tiktok-reddit-whistleblower Either progressives and women of child rearing age will start to leave Texas and make it more conservative by leaving, Texas will vote more progressive at the next election cycle, or Texas will continue to set more conservative laws. No one says, hey I'm gonna get an abortion in 3 years. You never know if you are gonna get raped, be a victim of incest, or not financially or emotionally able to take care of a baby, or whatever. Not having a legal, safe abortion as an option/back up plan really changes things when it used to be an option. Texas banned city's from being able to set mask mandates as they did not want to infringe on "personal freedom" and likewise to the conservatives, an abortion is seen as infringing on the "personal freedom" of the developing unborn baby. There is no consideration that by not wearing a mask, it is infringing on the health and safety of the community and by not allowing abortions, it is infringing on a women having to carry that thing for the entire pregnancy and take care of it for the rest of her life (or give it away). As others have said, the politicians care about the unborn baby but as soon as it is born, there is not enough funding and systems to ensure it can be taken care of. Texas is okay with keeping oil and gas going at full speed, talks about immigrants from the south as "illegals" and "lets go catch them", had hundreds of deaths during a power freeze that shut off the power grid, etc. We would pledge of allegiance to the flag... "one nation under god". The courts pray to god before their meetings. There are churches all over the place. When someone gets sick, the first response by 90% of the people is "I will pray for you". It is a very, very religious area (but also depends on where/who you are around). Will be interesting to see if the federal government does anything, which the supreme court voted 5-4 to ALLOW it even though it violates Roe vs. Wade. When other conservative states follow suit, liberals may leave, hence making the state more conservative. - Hence could be what got some places like the middle east so conservative - all the liberals left. Will be interesting to see if we have more bans on gay rights, women's right to work/education, colored people's rights, immigrants rights, or freedom of religion - if the conservatism stops here or if not, what else it comes up with. Will have to see if Texas is not okay with how things have been going enough to vote in the democratic (or other) party. People are saying the conservatives mindset reminds them of the Taliban, but instead of creating the rules as Allah wants them, they are making them as God wants them (or as their selfishness shortsightedness sees them). The snitching sets a dangerous precedent - it is kinda like North Korea in that you snitch on everyone else (but there if you don't snitch, you get in trouble too). Some people are saying, well how else are they going to elaborate and expand on the snitching and to what else will snitching be on?

The IQ test does not test for love or consciousness. So yes one can be high in IQ and still be unloving, cruel, and low consciousness. Just because we are good at one thing doesn't mean we are good at another.

Imagination. Ease difficult times. Get into flow. Change mood. Get silly. Belly dancing haha. Inspirational.

There is a weird area with this. If your friend says they want to suicide (or kill someone else), do you let them do it because that it their truth they think is right or talk them out of it? If the politician is considering makes your psychedelics illegal, your gay relationships illegal, your female right to have a bank account illegal, forced military work, do you not speak up? If your parent's truth is that you cannot date your partner unless your partner convert's to the same religion as your parent, do you not speak up? So again, there is a fuzzy line here. On the absolute scale, sure anyone can think whatever. On the relative scale though, we will still want to convert others to our truth, especially when their truth is dangerous to our survival. (Even the idea, let's not convert others to our truth and just let them have theirs - well even that is a truth one is having and telling others to have). If our partner is doing something that we think is harmful to the relationship but they think it is okay, we will still try to convince them of our truth to either better understand theirs or to try to get them to adopt ours. We will tend to inspire others to pursue their truths when they are in line with our truths and will tend to talk them out of it when it is not.

I realized that I was born clueless as to how the world worked and may die clueless as to how it worked. Yes I know people say one can know the Truth, but that just currently isn't my truth. I guess for me, it kinda takes the pressure off, takes the clingyness to one way of seeing things off, takes the desire to prove others wrong off. I realized that we see what we want to see and put great effort into doing so. (So maybe I don't want to see it right now). Whenever I would take a mind altering whatever, I would want to focus on seeing reality's existential being in a different way but the last time, I totally didn't care and the focus was on something else. I was no longer trying to see the existential framework of the paradigm but rather just playing around with concepts inside it.... I was wanting to play with dolls like how when I was little - then I realized how those had totally impacted me and made me want to be a Barbie my whole life without realizing it. Ugh don't buy your daughter's Barbie's unless you want a child who cares about looks over other stuff. Now I am wondering how many girls/women who were subconsciously influenced by Barbie/Bratz.

Dream: Me(dream(universe(awake/asleep))); Me = God = Dreamer · I am the dreamer; the dream is the only “here” Non-duality: Me(consciousness/universe(divisions(perspectives(awake/asleep)))); Me = God = Universe = Consciousness · I am interacting with myself here Science: universe(divisions(perspectives(me&others(awake/asleep)))); Me & others = humans · I am interacting with others here Christianity: God(creation(universe(me & others (awake/asleep)); heaven; hell)); Me & others = humans · God is watching me at all times from somewhere else; I interact with others Simulation Theory: Programmer(code(universe(me & others (awake/asleep)))); Me & others = code · Programmer coded me from somewhere else Gnosticism: Place(God in charge of me & others(dream(universe(awake/asleep)) Me & others = humans · God has trapped me in this dream somewhere else … We could have an infinite number of possible combinations/sequences of the above for a potential infinite possible existential paradigms. God(me & others(dream(universe(awake/asleep(dream(universe(awake/asleep)) **Probably got these a little wrong but this is the general idea.. Also wanted to add that creating comparisons helped me to get out of being attached to one possible paradigm and open to considering many. (Still having one personal paradigm but instead of the paradigm only accepting one view as valid, the paradigm accepts multiple paradigms as potentially valid). It then makes sense why people could be so against other paradigms, especially more so when stuff closer to the outer ring is different. The above is kinda written like software and math even though reality is so much more than that.

Wow yes that is a very powerful answer. I am realizing that our (my) obsession with paradigms and exploring and arguing about them may come from being taught about paradigms in the first place and shamed if we did not agree – religion, will go to hell; science – will make a bad grade on your test; relationships - will get in a conflict/divorce; in the wild - could get eaten by a bear. But we were taught about them because others made them up and wanted to convert us to them. They said, "well maybe this explains reality". "Maybe we need to do this because it functions better." We then argue over how is the best way to function, what is the best stuff to be concerned with. These ideas we have keep on changing our paradigm and we always think ours is the best until we find something better but even that is then the best. When there is disagreement with others, it is like super horrible. We are fighting, resisting considering theirs. Why though? Our paradigm currently is incongruent and dismissive of the potential of that paradigm. Why didn’t we just feel fully into it? Well maybe we thought we would be shamed for doing that so we don’t let it go all the way. We don’t take it in fully. Maybe we are so convinced our paradigm is absolute that it doesn’t allow for considering anything else. The meta of this is that everything mentioned above is itself a paradigm too. I am thinking back to when I was a kid and there was no obsession with paradigms but rather just having fun, playing with toys, making jokes. Everyone we talk to, every thought we think, every book we read, every place we go, every drug we take is constantly shape shifting our paradigm and the stuff inside it.

I had the large excessive ego, sometimes it would get to be a very dark experience, and sometimes I would want to be reliant on it for coping but no so much on the last one as much. I also had this thing where I felt like my brain was fried and didn't work as well (I think I wasn't drinking enough water before, during, and after the experience). I found that drinking more water significantly helps. Then there is also the danger of the law not allowing it. There was also the danger of being so into searching for truth that I was questioning people without considering their feelings/needs/circumstances and came off as an asshole, but yet, to one degree, well those things were definitely worthy of being said but maybe in a different manner and I was also way too pushy on my new insights onto people who were not ready for that type of thinking and it really didn't seem to inspire them either. There is the danger of noting the toxicity in things and then having such a large ego that I called people out on it and ended up tarnishing the relationship (which was probably on marshmallow foundation). I think I temporarily lost my ability to be proficient at my job and the ability to prioritize tasks (maybe like how pluralist stage cannot prioritize stuff)... but I ended up realizing that that job was not fulfilling either and left anyway.

If the existential dream paradigm where all of reality is a dream and there is no one else but me, the dreamer and everything that is happening is me dreaming it, then the biggest mindfuck of all about resisting change because of our entire foundation for our existence changes, the whole thing about resisting truth because we are so comfortable in our current paradigm, then that means that all the advice that anyone in the dream gives to me and the ones that I give to others... then that means it is all for me to take on and the only one that needs to accept the potential existing paradigm change from it being materialist to dream is me. Question: Do y'all consider non-duality and the dream paradigm to be considered the same paradigm or two separate paradigms? I can see the perspective where the Earth exists after we die (the non-duality paradigm) whereas the one where the Earth is gone after we die (the dream paradigm). The repercussions of that are to not care about what happens with the earth (dream paradigm) or yes care (non-duality paradigm). However, even with the Earth still being here after we die, over the course of infinity, stuff changes and the Earth won't stay forever anyway. Question: There is the part where we have limited consciousness of what all is going on, as in if others do have minds and they are active even if we are not (materialist paradigm, partial God in non-duality), there is also the part where the only stuff that exists is the stuff we (me) are aware of (dream paradigm) (or non duality paradigm if the "I" is everything with a perspective, all bodies). It really makes a difference with regards to what paradigm we choose to operate from and how we interpret that paradigm. Question: I have noted how during non-duality/alternate consciousness experiences, I am having visuals and am putting meaning (words) onto those visuals. Regardless of paradigm, we experience stuff and put meaning on to it. However, the hard part is just like how we come up with words, are we coming up with the visuals that are not just "inside the head" but also those "outside the head as in the entire existence"? Yes I can see that if the experience allows for a new explanatory system and alters the paradigm, we accept it because it makes sense.

I am interested in hearing more. I guess for me, even if the "life is a dream" paradigm may raise more questions, that doesn't mean I have to reject that paradigm as being a potential possibility. I can see that the creation is slightly different. For the dreamer god, the creation is a dream and imagined with the physical world being dreamed. For the nonduality god, there could still technically be a physical world or it too could be all in the mind. Yes I see that with non-duality, we are the Earth and it really isn't death but rather transformation of the self with the self.

It does seem like a pretty weird phenomenon - the voices and images in the head.... It is like our mouth isn't moving to create the words but we still hear them even though our ears aren't involved and our eyes don't have to be open or closed to see the images.. but I guess sound and visual is processed in the head and may happen in the same place as the internal dialogue and imagery. Regarding weird phenomenons - Existence seems weird too. But the internal processes - it is like they are happening and we aren't doing anything to make them happen, or aren't aware of the work involved. Or the stuff happening in the "external", it is like it is happening too but we don't seem to be aware of the work involved there either. So is there any work actually happening or is it all happening on its own?

Why would another form not want me to know the truth and how would you know they don't? How do you know there are any other beings other than you? Extreme chaos is happening all the time. How do you know that they know the future? How do they know?

@meta_male @Focus Cool thanks! My ex-boss added the gnosticism column ha.

Hey. I made a google spreadsheet with comparisons of some potential existential paradigms and their consequences. Note that there are probably more than what is listed here and that everyone may have different interpretations/experiences/perspectives/understandings for what each one is like. It is interesting to note how the paradigm we choose to operate from will influence our priorities, values, and decisions. It is also interesting to note how people have had conflicts (myself included ha) and wars over disagreement with this kinda stuff... when all you have to do is put it in a spreadsheet and compare for fun (but it's not so fun when we disagree on what the lines in the spreadsheet should say and are attached to our perspective).... It could be none of these are "truth", it could be one is, it could be a variety. https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19qyscdsXeCfNEswGP352l6n1OsVTucfgPZr3sztKWG4/edit?usp=sharing

We go back to it but then it doesn't last long when we allow ourselves to see the nuances. It can be hard to get yourself to continue to believe a lie when you identify it as one. No one likes me, loves me, cares about me. I don't have any real friends. My family doesn't want me. -This is not true. People do talk to you and you talk with them. They enjoy you and you enjoy them. You like being around people but also enjoy your alone time too. I am not good at/capable of anything. I was so bad at my job. -You are great at some stuff and not great at other stuff. You have the potential if you chose to go for it. You have worked hard in the past and everyone has stuff they are good/bad at. You can get better at stuff too. You can try to tackle the barriers if you need to. I have to move to a city where I don't know anyone and do a soulless, low wage job. I am going to be all alone. -You can find a job you enjoy. You have a degree you can use. You can either be in a city where you already know people or go to a new city and find new people. You don't like being alone so the odds are you will seek out people till you find some even if it takes awhile. --- I find myself reverting to thoughts like these during down moments but can see that they aren't fully true but yet sometimes say them anyway - but then can see they are trying to pull me down but yet, if I/we see that they aren't fully valid, it can be hard for them to keep on having an impact.

Sex, working, killing

Wow this is really great stuff. Thanks for sharing and thanks to those who commented. There is more than just this but I got this- Think about what are your signals (do to create more love, fulfilment, worthwhile, increased capacity for complexity to support the desired mission) and what are your noises (distractions, waste of time, not really adding to life mission, resistance, discomfort)

For those of you who have hallucinated people or other things that look like people, what did you make of it? I did for a split second last night. It was a black and white figure with open eyes making eye contact with me a few inches away from me and medium length hair and it floated past my right side. My initial response was this is creepy. It's hard to know why that happened. I wasn't intentionally trying to see anything. Other than that, it's just been bug hallucinations occasionally. All I can think of is that I was listening to this music for a few hours and it put me in the mind space. My great grandma would apparently see people going in and out of the walls. I was looking online and various disorders cause for hallucinations. This was the music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1czR5v80_IQ To clarify, it wasn't where I thought I saw something and turned and nothing was there. I saw it and it saw me. The figure was pale white and the hair and eyes were black. Also, I only saw the head, neck, and upper torso. It moved swiftly. https://www.ghostsandgravestones.com/types-of-ghosts I guess ghosts are a possibility.. if those are real which I have no clue.

So this topic was coming up in another setting and I was trying to put some ideas behind the phenomenon.. Here are some of my guesses. Please add if you can think of any. Possible reasons for why girls hate other girls: -we need to keep other girls away from our man and children to maintain the family unit as separate from others so that the father stays with our kids and our kids stay with us. we don't want another woman stealing our man to be her partner or taking our children away to mother them herself -so that we don’t want to have a sexual relation with each other so that we are attracted to men for reproductive purposes -because our parents or a parent had a preference for boys and so we hate and suppress our femininity because we want to be liked by our parent(s) -because society deems boys better intellectually -because we have self hate, insecurity, and anger we project that onto other girls and we are also jealous/envious of other girls, which we relate to more than boys -because we are using black and white thinking and just focusing on hate but are not looking at love and other nuances -because we lack social skills, communication, relationship skills; we haven't learned to deal with our triggers; school doesn't teach relationship skills -because girls are either overly sensitive or overly insensitive and they can jump back from one mode to the next -because girls are our competition for finding a mate to reproduce with or partner to be with -because that is the story we tell ourselves -because certain personality types and certain values clash with each other -because girls don't like being told by other girls what to do; we want to figure it out for ourselves and live how we want to live -because we don't like to admit when we are worse than other girls and having them be better than us is a risk to our own survival when they can outcompete us for both men, jobs, and resources for our family/children/selves -because we think of ourselves as better than the other girls and find faults in them and would rather argue than work together -because we don't respect other girls partly because we don't respect ourselves and partly because we don't understand our differences between each other -because we don't have good role models for what healthy female to female relationships look like -because we have had bad experience after bad experience with girls but have not had this many bad experiences with boys and may get along better with boys than girls (in context, boys and girls may be incentivized to learn to function better together because of reproductive benefits) -because girls are emotional and putting them all in the room together can be a chaotic, emotional mess sometimes -because girls may focus on drama and gossip and not take responsibility for things; take the victim mindset; because we are bad at forgiveness -because we would rather talk than listen and care more about our own ideas than the ideas of others which is hard because relationships need both listening and speaking -because our brains may tend to be more similarly wired and bodies more similarly built than men so it makes more sense to compare oneself with other women than other men some of these could be inaccurate but I was just typing whatever popped into my head... also they won't necessarily apply to everyone and will depend on the situation and person/group