jimwell

The good thing about this forum is, in general, the members here are more "conscious" and more interested in self-development and god than the general population. You can also come here if you are bored or you are feeling bad and want to vent and feel support. This forum is especially helpful if you are at a point when you are ready to risk your soul and life to do drugs so you "raise your consciousness" (if you have access to psychedelics, lsd, etc). There are many druggies here to give you tips and tricks. But if you are seriously mentally-emotionally broken for whatever reason, especially if you have deep childhood trauma, this place is not the way to find solace. Yes you can vent all your emotions, but that will be a temporary, slight relief. Go to "Serious Emotional Problem" section, and you will find members as confused, as depressed, and as broken as you but giving advice. Of course, that will not work. BUt how about the administrator and moderators? If they are in that "privileged" position, they must be have gone through all the shit you are going through and must have conquered them? The short and direct answer is No. I have been in this forum for a while and have observed their posts and analyzed their soul. No, they don't have much childhood trauma and not much family problems, so their way of relating to you is limited. It is very different to hear a hundred times how good ejaculation feels to experiencing an actual ejaculation. The former is inferior to the latter. If you feel like shit and want real solutions, it's better to read self-help books and contemplate. If you want videos, watch Teal Swan because she has experienced what you are experiencing. But you must still contemplate because I have heard a few senseless things from her. Conquering your childhood trauma and self-transforming your soul is a very important aspect of self-actualization. A system lacking that is inherently insufficient. The most useful and sensible sections of this forum are the "Life Purpose", "Govt, Society" and "Meditation" sections. There you can find Leo's psychedelics posts and earthly or practical posts. You can also find trip reports from other druggies. But even this, is limited. It's only useful to people who have access to psychedelics. If you have never tried any of these drugs, you will just mentally-emotionally masturbate yourself. And if you go further, you might end up believing these things which is equivalent to self-bullshit. Unfortunately, most people have no access to these "tools" for "enlightenment". I'll be permanently out of this forum in about a week or two. But I'll leave my profile open and won't hide anything. I have many, good, insightful posts there. It gives me a sense of fulfillment knowing they will help broken and self-deluded humans, even if it's just a few of them. ?

My pleasure ? And thanks for the kind words. I hope you will get 20 girls before you turn 20. ? Dedicate yourself to building yourself up. Then be amused how easy it is to make a girl say Yes. No, I'm not kidding. @IJB063 Guess what? I didn't start this thread to make somebody care and stop me from leaving. Watch that little, needy ego projecting itself. There will always be some traces of a fucked up past. If the childhood experience was too horrifying and lasted for too long that it crushed the child's soul, there will always be remnants of it no matter how great the healing is. I myself was sexually abused when I was 3 years old. Though it sounds bad, I was not traumatized by it. And I'm not a rapist. So I was not broken by it in any way. BUt maybe, it made me love sex more, which is good. I was traumatized by my other childhood humiliation and horrors. And no, I haven't overlooked your past. I see brokenness in you and in others. But your brokenness or trauma is not soul-crushing. And you are out of touch with the sexual abuse trauma after significant healing. I resonate with Teal Swan not only because she is still broken, but because she has gained significant healing from her brokenness. And more importantly, she stays in touch with her past childhood trauma despite the healing. That's what made her effective and relatable.

You basically tagged me 3 times. ?? I got confused. You certainly need to be financially self-sustainable to conquer your sin. It's not just for your medication but for you to spend much of your energy and time conquering your sin and to live without any toxic humans bringing you down. You need to surround yourself with people who support and empower you. If that is not possible, it's better to live alone. Have the courage to cut off toxic relationships. It's very difficult but must be done if you want to be "free". Have you ever considered the mental-emotional component of meningitis? My sin was extreme, god-like kind of anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bdd, ptsd, ocd, and I have conquered them by doing intense research, contemplation, introspection, working on the repressed, extreme emotional wounds and anger and by generating strong self-love. I spent my entire 20s fixing my extremely broken self. Though I succeeded, I must say you can never 100% undo your sin. There will always be traces left. I still have some problems with too much hand washing and anger. But if I compare my current "soul" to my previous "soul", I must say I have conquered my sin. Having much self-love works like magic. And it certainly enables you to properly interact with toxic humans by setting boundaries and by automatically being less affected by their toxic words and actions. It even enables you to cut off toxic relationships. If you love yourself, you don't need to be loved by others. You can receive and enjoy their love, but you won't need it. It makes you self-sufficient in that very big aspect. My intuition says the "soul" and cells of your body can detect self-love (and self-hate). And that either nourishes or destroys them, especially long term. I made a post about my journey. It might give you some useful insights.

It's a good strategy to focus on healing from your meningitis instead of focusing on spirituality and meditation. Overcoming meningitis is very difficult. It deserves all your energy and time. That will be your form of spirituality. And it will make you grounded. You will significantly grow as a human if you overcome your sin or cross which is meningitis. Don't rely too much on doctors. Rely more on yourself. Do a serious research about meningitis and broaden your sources. The goal is to have a deep understanding of your condition so you can find or design a cure. After your sin is conquered, you can then focus on another form of spirituality. The questions What is the deepest I?, What is the deepest existence?, Why is existence structured this way?, Where or what was I before I was born?, Will I go there again after death?, Why do I even die?, What is the point of life if it ends? Why is existence full of suffering and evil? are the guiding light to the deepest spirituality. I hope you succeed.

That's bullshitry or the human domain. ? ?

? I can taste the bitterness there. Are you dissatisfied by Leo's lack of embodiment? I honestly am. @Annoynymous But to be fair, I am dissatisfied by all the spiritual teachers. Gathering people for satsangs, preaching to people like priests do, uploading youtube videos about spirituality, etc are good, but not enough. I have already heard enough. Now, I want to see their hands and feet do the talking. I'm happy Jesus's life and teachings were documented. I hope he really existed and his teachings written on the bible were close to what they really were. He was the best teacher because he could do both, walk and talk. Ramana Maharshi might have also been a walk-and-talk teacher. I haven't done much research about him, so I can't make a strong conclusion. But I can confidently say Jesus dwarfs Ramana in terms of "live teaching/philosphy demonstration" and world impact.

? But that's a valid perspective. And as you were sitting and typing to start this thread, there were some remaining shit particles around your asshole because you hadn't properly washed it. But your asshole is not alone. Most assholes are not properly washed. God is dirty.

You can never fully heal and find yourself if you don't separate yourself from your parents. You are broken and it is not random. Your parents broke you. Most of it happened when you were a kid. Your goal should be to be independent from your parents. As long as you live with them, they and you, will continue to keep you broken. You need to be in a new environment to see new perspectives and learn new patterns of thinking and behavior. Healing and growth sprouts from there. You should live alone and be financially independent from your parents. From there, you can do serious inner work and transform yourself. It also helps to spend much of your time with people who have the qualities you want to acquire, such as self-love, and mental-emotional stability. This might give you some encouragement.

Walk all the way. Then Talk about the Walk. That's the way to go. Especially if the Talk is piles of big, crazy claims.

@onacloudynight

Have you ever had a profound awakening and have had seen Infinite, Unconditional Love? If yes, congratulations! You have accomplished something very rare and beautiful. If not, congratulations! You have successfully bullshitted yourself. You are just parroting Leo. Do you want to be smart or a "sage"? "Sages" are not automatically persuaded by authorities like Leo and Spira. "Sages" give their authority only to themselves and to truth. That is the first mistake you have made. You automatically give authority to Leo, Spira, and other teachers, so you parrot them. And you automatically look down on me and my posts because I am not an "authority", I am just another member. "Sages" don't parrot other "sages". "Sages" generate "understanding" and "wisdom by themselves through Contemplation, Introspection, and self-honesty. They can also listen to any "ordinary" humans, even to the homeless, then contemplate what they hear then learn from these non-authority humans. "Sages" don't only listen to "authority" figures. Remember the the most important characteristic of a "sage". It is love for truth or wisdom. Who is happier, a "sage" or a "stupid"? Don't equate misery to "sages". They are naturally prone to misery by clearly seeing the ugly, harsh truths of life. But their wisdom also enables them to handle the painful truths and generate solutions to make their life better and happier. In doing so, the world naturally benefits from them. On the other hand, "stupids" are naturally self-deluded and can't see the ugly, harsh truths of life. They drown themselves with "unconscious" things like worshiping celebrities, sports, senseless youtube videos, and alcohol. But their happiness is always shallow. Deep happiness only belongs to "sages". The "stupids"' unwise decisions often leads to stagnation, missed opportunities, and tragedies though they are numb to them.

This sounds like a random post. Anyway, another problem with the ego is it is inauthentic, self-deluded, and envious. You don't know what you are talking about. You got it backwards. Gandhi and the saints are not the most egomaniac humans. They are the most loving and selfless. Joe Rogan and JP are not enlightened nor have seen the deepest Truths. They haven't even reached deep Stage Green. Beating your kid is not selfless, and certainly not for the purpose of making them strong and independent. Child-abuse is an act of hate towards the kid with the intention to destroy the kid's soul. The kid will grow up fucked up. The richest humans in the world or the upper 1% to 5 % are not the most loving, kind, and genuine. They are the opposite. They are the ones who are the most selfish and evil. How did they acquire their wealth? It is through maximizing profit by manipulation and employee oppression. Devilry is what they do. Why do you think there is great wealth inequality in every country in the world? They certainly don't give a fuck about the pressured living paycheck to paycheck and starving population. A bullied kid can become strong and cool? Yes, it happens form time to time. But it is not his bully's intention. The bully's intention is to transfer his own trauma and pain to the bullied kid, destroying his soul, so that the bully's own trauma becomes lessened and he feels "empowered". And even if the bullied kid becomes strong and cool, before that, the bullied kid goes through extreme suffering first and must do enormous inner work. And what about the other bullied kids in school who become anxious, depressed, and suicidal as a direct result of the bullying? This is what usually happens. I am open to the possibility that your additional pile of big, crazy claims is true. That is why I asked you to make the video. But even if it turns out to be true, how is a human supposed to embody it? It seems impossible.

That's an additional pile of big, crazy claims. I'll be waiting for the video "The Hidden Functionality of Evil".

I just sit there staring at the big, yellow moon and the big white-black clouds around it, admiring and appreciating the beauty and mystery. But I regularly do this to trees, dogs, birds, mountains, myself, and even to the few, beautiful women. ?So nothing new.

That tension in your body is the collective pain trauma inflicted by all your abusers. Continue to be aware of that to keep it under control. All your bullies are related in a sense they have one thing in common, they all hated and hurt you. First, your father bullied you. That left a vibe in you which is subconsciously or consciously detected by other bullies. That is why you were regularly targeted by bullies. Or at least a few times. Why do bullies bully others? It is to regain their perceived lost of self-esteem and power. They were bullied by their father and other bullies. The second reason is to transfer their pain and trauma to others, lessening their trauma. That helps them survive. They choose targets who they think are weaker than them and safe to mess with. They never choose humans who are as or stronger than them. Why? Because they are pretentious cowards. They can't handle people who pose a threat to them. Remember that. Don't work on one traumatic event only. That will not be enough to heal other traumas. Work on every trauma or painful memory. That is a lot of hard work. So I understand if that is not possible. As mentioned in my original post, do at least 70 percent. If your childhood was really bad like mine, do at least 90 percent. It is normal to remember other repressed trauma while working on a specific trauma. It even feels endless. But it eventually ends. You will know when your trauma is greatly minimized and you have achieved significant healing when you can willfully welcome the trauma or painful memories in your mind and feel a sense of peace. Before you achieve that, keep telling to yourself "I want to be at peace with this horror memory." every time a painful memory comes up. And of course, you need to do the Word or Onenote trauma exercise first and learn the lessons of the painful memories so it would be easier for you to move on. If a child is enormously abused by his parents, that child will ask why his parents hate and abuse him. And he will believe it is because he is a bad, worthless child, and he deserves the abuse he receives from his parents. The child will blame himself instead of the parents. That automatically results to low self-love, low self-esteem and much self-hate. This belief and "self-view" are completely ingrained in his soul that he retains them until adulthood, even until death if he doesn't do anything about it. If you can't see this truth, contemplate it and do introspection until you can.

Leo's most recent video about forgiveness has the core principles: 1. People who hurt you in the past did so because of ignorance. 2. They hurt you because they were trying to get love (from you or somebody else) but had limited, unhealthy ways to get it. 3. They hurt you because their level of consciousness was very low. 4. They hurt you because of their selfishness. 5. They hurt you for their survival agenda. That basically means people who hurt you in the past did so because of selfishness and ignorance. And this is true. If you don't see this, it means you have not done enough introspection and have not developed enough awareness of your past pain (and anger). He said being able to forgive is strength and not being able to is weakness. I think both are strength. His video is useful and effective to people who ordinarily got hurt or hurt as an adult. For example, the forum administrator banned you, another is, your boss unfairly fired you. But to that little 6-year-old japanese girl who was repeatedly dragged by his father by the neck from the entrance door to the bathroom and then brutally punched and kicked til blood comes out of her nose and mouth; to the child Teal Swan who was repeatedly sodomized or "analized" by an older family member, to the child me who was enormously mentally-emotionally wounded by his dumb father by being completely ignored and screamed at his entire childhood and teenage years, that forgiveness video is far from enough to heal the wounds, and even adds more harm. If you are in the "second category". You need a deeper perspective and understanding of your pain, anger, and forgiveness. 1. Forgiveness is the letting go of anger, that is, the letting go of the desire for revenge or justice. It is not when you say "I forgive you" to your business partner then suing him for screwing you. Forgiveness is when you say "I forgive you" to your business partner then say "And to prove that, I won't sue you or harm you in any way though you betrayed me.". It is not when you proclaim to everybody in the court "I am a true Christian, so I forgive this psychopath who murdered my daughter and your daughters." But then celebrate when the jury decides to give the death penalty to the serial killer. Those are just empty words, not forgiveness. 2. Complete forgiveness is reconciliation. It is the letting go of anger, that is, the letting go of the desire for revenge or justice, and starting a good relationship with your abuser again. So that means not only suing the business partner who screwed you, but to have another business deal with him again. That means to end the "no contact" situation you have with your NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) father or mother and start visiting or even living with them again. It is obvious this is dangerous. Complete forgiveness or reconciliation should only be given to people who love you though they might have hurt you a few times. It should never be given to people who have NPD or Stage Red or to people who hate you though they might have done a few good things to you. 3. Your anger is valid and must be honored. Don't demonize your anger. Don't believe them when they tell you you are a bad, evil person for holding anger. Anger is a valid response to harmful things done to you. It doesn't mean you should hold your anger until death. It simply means allow it to exist and understand it has an important function. And the paradox is, it is the acknowledgment and honoring of pain and anger which breaks the trans-generational wound transfer. I mean directing the anger at your parents or abusers then naturally letting it go, not forcefully. If you direct it at random innocent people because you lack awareness of it, you will transfer that pure shit to your children. 4. Forgiveness is a result of the healing of the mental-emotional wounds, not the other way around. You can't force forgiveness even if you want to. It will only lead to suppression. If you force yourself to forgive somebody who deeply broke your spirit, you might be able to do so for a few weeks. But the anger will still be deeply there. And it will be alive and kicking in your mind and body again in a few months if you become conscious of it. If not, it will run in the "background" of your mind and behavior. You will unconsciously hurt yourself and others. 5. Unconscious or disowned pain and anger manifests as physical and mental diseases. If that pain and anger is enormous but "unconscious", it manifests as mysterious bodily pains, cancer, anxiety, and depression. I have experienced this. My early adulthood anxiety and suicidal depression immediately disappeared after acknowledging my enormous pain and anger. Of course I did great inner work to accomplish it. It was completely difficult but it was worth it. 6. Learn the lesson of your pain and anger so you can then naturally and gradually release it. Beneath the pain and anger is deep wisdom. If you choose to welcome it and work on it, you will have a deep understanding of yourself and the humans who caused it. Through it, you will be a more self-loving person who sets boundaries. If you have been extremely and disgustingly abused by your parents during childhood, that means you are an adult person who has low self-love, low self-esteem, and a doormat. 7. The healing of your wounds is directly proportional to your capability to be at peace with your painful, imperfect past. This is where forgiveness can sprout from. You can implement the concepts above by doing the exercise Leo described in his video. But add this step. Write the details of what exactly happened, how you felt about it, and what you should have done and said during that time. Say that to yourself while writing or typing it on MS-Word or OneNote. And feel the deep pain and hatred engulfing your body. You need to be alone when doing this. The best thing is to do that for every painful or traumatic memory you have. But if it's impossible, just cover at least 70 percent of all your traumatic memories. Make sure to include your most traumatic memories. Be patient and persevere. You will feel very bad and angry in the first few weeks or months of doing this. But just continue. And observe your anxiety, depression or physical problems gradually disappear. That exercise is very powerful. If your anger stays alive for more than a year, that's ok. Consider the other possibilities. If you don't do the inner work, you will continue to suffer (anxiety, depression, physical problems, etc,) for 20,30 or 50 years until you die. Or you murder yourself now because you can't bear the suffering anymore. That was the inner work I did aside from developing self-love to accomplish great self-transformation. Before I was a young adult with very low self-esteem, low self-confidence, low self-love, much self-hate, had pure O, BDD, agoraphobia, and crippling depression. Now, I am the exact opposite. I am 10 years older but still a young adult and with strong, unshakable self-love, high self-confidence, and slight to no anxiety and depression. And I feel good about myself. I still have some anger but greatly reduced. How did I develop self-love? I might share it in the future. I am already too tired to make another long post. I don't know whether psychedelics helps in healing trauma and in forgiving your abusers. I have never tried any psychedelics. And I don't know whether the "existential" perspective of forgiveness is the ultimate solution. I can't see I am God imagining existence, I am infinite love, and I am all there is. That sounds just like an interesting, beautiful story to me.

Of course. ? Thanks for the positive message.

There is some truth to it. The original post is a display of inauthenticity that he forgot to mention the most important characteristic of a "sage", which is Love of Truth. The title should have been "How Do I Learn to Love Truth At All Cost?"

You mean in the "objective" sense? If there really is an "objective" truth, which is everything is one and equal, at least in the relative sense, psychiatry has more lies than truth is the truth. It is "Who is the deepest I?" and "What is the deepest existence?". As of now, my answer to the first question is "The deepest I is this awareness inside my head." And the answer to my second question is "The deepest that is that beautiful, mysterious star made of sub-atomic particles." My intuition strongly suggests there are deeper answers which I have no access to. I lament the truth that I still have no access to them after searching a few years.

My pleasure. But you are probably not doing the "trauma MS Word or OneNote exercise" and probably not actively developing strong, unshakable self-love. Honesty, especially self-honesty is very important in self-transformation.

@SageModeAustin I saw your "serious emotional problem" post. And my post is relevant to your post.

Reality is the ultimate horror movie. It's a valid perspective.

@Matt23 @AwakenedSoul444 @SageModeAustin @Husseinisdoingfine @Joshi3 @modmyth @VerballyHazardous @WhatAWondefulWorld I deeply understand how you feel. And I know you are doing your best. You have my compassion. I have been there. If you think there is nobody out there and there is no way out, remember, you have Yourself. Other humans like Nahm, and other things like videos and books, can help you by giving you new insights and tools to handle your suffering. But it is You who have the greatest power to heal yourself and change your situation. Why? Because it is you who has the direct access to your thoughts, feelings, desires, and suffering. If you always get the thought "I don't know how to heal myself, or where to go from here.", always say to yourself, "I don't know. But I will continue living and looking.". Just Continue. Things will be clearer as you keep continuing. Read and understand my original post. Then continue. You don't know how? It doesn't matter. Just continue.

Thanks! My pleasure. I'm happy you see the value of it. It's good you feel the physical sensation. If that trauma sensation is not being put into awareness or not taken care of, that will eventually manifest as anxiety, depression, suicidal feelings, mysterious bodily pains,cancer, etc. In my first few months of digging deep into my past, I was overwhelmed by the the number of painful memories flooding my consciousness. I focused on one painful memory, and in the middle of dissecting it, another painful memory came up. After one session which lasted about 2 to 3 hrs, I always got exhausted and would take a nap to recover my energy. This work of digging and dissecting your past or entire history is very serious and is naturally time, energy, and will-demanding. But it is the only way to go. What else is more sensible and rewarding than understanding yourself, your past, healing your trauma, and feeling good about yourself? It was a very long, winding road. I started with going to the psychiatrists and taking meds. It was a waste of time. I never suspected psychiatry as almost like a fraud. I just assumed every institution is legitimate and trustworthy. But as months go by, I could not ignore my perception that psychiatrists don't have a deep understanding of mental diseases and just blindly follow their protocol. That realization was very horrifying to me. And I was disgusted by psychiatry. Treating mental-emotional diseases is as serious, even slightly more serious than treating physical diseases I must say. How could psychiatrists charge spiritually broken people a fortune after bullshitting them? I was lied to. And my college friend who had GAD and depression was also lied to. He murdered himself after 6 months of seeing his psychiatrist (who was also my psychiatrist) and taking meds. So I took everything in my own hands. I did much research and bought a few books about my condition to have a deep understanding of it. One of the books I read was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. His non-duality teachings did not help me. It just confused me instead. But the meditations he mentioned in the book were useful. I imagined a white light inside my head. Then I moved the white light to my neck, arms, belly, until it reached my feet. I did it for a few months. It increased my focus and made me more aware of my bodily sensations. Eckhart's "silent watcher" is powerful. It allowed me to "get out" of my feelings and observe them instead of being taken over by them. And I loved his "24/7" meditation which is to be very present all the time, in every situation. I started feeling the pressure on my feet while walking. I carefully observed the shape and color of the branches and leaves of trees and watched them swayed in the wind. It intensified my focus and concentration. I still do this form of meditation now, especially when I'm alone in nature. I came across a book about self-love. I intuitionally (intuitively) knew that would be a game changer. I spent a few years generating self-love. It was very difficult because there was much resistance. I had very low self-esteem and much self-hate to love myself. But I pulled it off. Now I have deep self-love. And it's unshakeable because it is unconditional. The greatest form of love is unconditional. It is easy to love somebody or something if it's beautiful. But if it's ugly, it is very challenging or impossible. And I know self-love is what you need. Start with recognizing your positive characteristics. Acknowledge and be appreciative of the things about yourself (especially something about your personality) which you naturally approve of. When you look in the mirror, notice and admire parts of your face and body which you find beautiful. Do this long enough until you notice the general positive feeling you generate when you think about yourself. When your self-love becomes stable, it will be very clear to you. You won't even question yourself whether you have it or not. Then you can level up and try to generate Unconditional self-love. I can't give details on how to do this. I don't have enough time and energy now to cover another complex topic. I might do it in the future. It is very natural to me to contemplate things. This must be one of the major reasons why I had pure O ( a form of OCD). I have always had a natural curiosity about things, especially things most humans are not interested in, since I was 4 years old. It is through deep contemplation that I understand and discover useful methods for solving things. I love being alone in nature. I regularly ride my bicycle or talk a walk in places like this. From time to time, I pick a spot and just sit there, contemplating or admiring and appreciating the beauty and mystery for 6 hrs straight. It always refreshes my soul. https://goo.gl/maps/ky5Xrtn79r37B3Cr7 I love beautiful women, especially if they are authentic. Being with them and enjoying them also helps in healing yourself. This might make you envious.

@Leo Gura I love it.