Roy

Is it not clear? That existence can be cruel and unfair, you just do the best with what you have. Being a victim limits you.

That's the same kind of criticism that's thrown endlessly at Leo and all his teachings! But we all know the the truth can hurt sometimes. It doesn't always serve you on face value. Hence why people react the way they do, like the OP said.

@Mjolnir It's not just noticing emotions like excitement or happiness, it's noticing the numbness which is an emotion as well! That is the problem here, you seem to be letting it consume you because it's comfortable. I've been there. But it's important you open up your range of experiences, even if some bad ones get in there that's ok too. The meditation practice will help you become aware in the moment more often, and auto-correct any emotions that are out of place or inauthentic. For example if you were driving and someone cut you off, halfway through your anger you'd be able to stop and think. "Hey that wasn't so bad, there was no accident, maybe he just didn't see me for some reason." Or when you see a little girl in a grocery store jumping up and down excited for something from her mom. Instead of having your default numbness you catch yourself and realize it's really cute and smile as a way of sharing her happiness. Now don't think that there is always a way you "should" feel. It's a trap to think there is always a "best" way to be. Sometimes it's authentic to be really sad at something, or your anger could be righteous once in a while. The point is to tap into what your body and spirit is feeling more frequently, instead of feeling what's comfortable and normal for you. Most of that is what your mind is dictating for you, and your mind doesn't really care about you per say, it's more concerned with safely maintaining your identity. Ultimately you'll have to let your intuition guide you in those moments where you're observing your emotions. Either notice that it's not helping you and let it dissolve, or sit and feel it if you feel (not think) it's what needs to be. As for the self-esteem part: Give yourself permission to have new experiences even if you feel they aren't "you". Let yourself go first once in a while and don't be guilty about it, if it's the flow of the world, that's fine! A lot of self-esteem issues are actually self imposed, usually unconsciously. Building it up is typically just the realization that you don't have anything to fear. The world is actually a much friendlier place than it seems. Once again it's your mind that's constructing the reality that's it isn't.

You said you were bullied when you were younger and it could be a defense mechanism, that's likely. Have you really sat down and confronted those moments reflectively? Have you done work to overcome them and become conscious of how that might have effected your behavior growing up? And the feelings you have now? It's one thing to just recognize and notice them, but if you don't get to the bottom truth of them they will still carry on wreaking havoc in your psyche, even if it's not obvious or "explosive". Adopting a mindfulness meditation habit for 5-15 minutes daily could really help here. It will build the muscle in your mind to be able to pay attention and notice your emotions for carefully, which allows for healthy adjustments, instead of letting the numbness take over and carry you through each day. Have you also considered it's a self-esteem issue? You might be afraid to be engaged and put yourself out there because of fear, so it's just easier to be cold and deflective of everything. I'm familiar with this personally.

I think the red pill more or less has some truths to it, but it's not holistic enough and comes from a place of biased and selfish orientation. The thing I find most annoying is co-opting the pill scene from The Matrix....... makes people who fully believe in it think they're so fucking clever......lol Anyways yes culture does lie to us, about a great many things. It's all unconscious though, it's not really a malicious force that we should fear like so many people start to feel after they discover that some things are lies. People as individuals should just do the work to uncover and deprogram themselves from it. Instead of forming counter-cults and ideologies. Which helps slightly but causes a new set of problems to arise. I mean that's why we're all here for the most part, to learn how uncover ourselves from the bullshit. Without turning Actualized.Org into the same thing hopefully.

I wonder what it's gonna take to really break people. I mean riots and protests where some people get arrested and hurt are one thing, but what's next? It's been about a decade of these kinds of things propped up and exploding from social media. If some kind of major police reform doesn't happen soon except police stations and cars to be arson-ed or blown up...... Yea I'd just try and stay home with your family for a few days as it blows over. Not like there is a lack of practice from recent times lol!

Keep trying and keep trying, then when it gets hard, you keep trying. That's all you can do, there is no magic fix. There are things that will more or less help you to be put on the right track, but you still gotta run it. Keep trying, I'm rooting for you

It's a close minded ego. The mind is already concluded regardless of what it finds after the inspection. The "curiosity" is just a mask to make it feel good and "open". An open minded person has the capacity for change, while a close minded person doesn't. At least not for the moment.

The elephant in the room is her being unable to accept your authentic emotions, that's a huge flag right there. Being able to share those insights and express yourself with someone is one of the most fundamental if not THE most fundamental gels you need to have for a relationship to work long term. It also might be an indicator that she isn't developed as you think she is, and was naturally attracted to someone way younger because she might not have been able to grow up in a certain sense (not saying you're immature, but a 17 year old is a 17 year old). From what you've described she's probably had some past traumas herself that she needs to work through and rejected yours because it was too much for her, and she couldn't articulate it. Not to put the entire blame on her though, because I don't know you're exact words. It's possible you could have actually been insensitive and said some things carelessly. With this much turmoil and miscommunication having happened in just 6 months, I'm sorry but it's unlikely it's going to work out. Also I know love is love and all but you have to maintain a certain level of pragmatist reality here. She is nearly 15 years older than you, and you aren't even out of high school or with a full time job yet (I'm guessing?). This kind of age gap would work if you were both much older, but the difference puts an undeniable power disparity between you two. Although there might be a silent agreement to not bring it up, it's going to be in the backs of your minds and it will probably keep her from respecting you fully for a long time. I'm not going to tell you what to do, I just hope you take everything into consideration and let your intuition make that decision. Hope this helps - Roy

Sounds like the issue is coming from your toxic framing of it, "Gay shit"? That's an unhealthy and slightly bigoted way to put it. There is nothing wrong or invalid about your experience, unless of course it wasn't consensual. It's just an alternative expression of sexuality. It wouldn't make you homosexual either, it would make you bi-sexual. Which are not just different things personally but culturally as well. But if you aren't actually interested in the same sex and aren't attracted to them then what are you worried about? You are manifesting the insecurity yourself.

@LfcCharlie4 Celery is legit my least favorite food in existence. It makes me gag. I refuse under any and all circumstances to eat it ever again haha. Is there another alternative with the same benefits?

Our current system is completely fucked and as a society we're destroying our environment, but you as an individual don't have to participate. The most important thing is to be preventative as possible not producing the waste in the first place, that's the best thing to help get rid of the guilt,. Don't purchase items with stupid excess packaging, just buy another product. That's the best thing to help get rid of the guilt, not having the impact in the first place. Bring reusable cloth bags to the grocery store! Bring a coffee mug to Starbucks! Refill a water bottle at a tap! My system is as follows; - 2 Compost bins. When one gets full I put it outside for the animals and insects. I dump it in the woods or ditch when the 2nd gets full. It's all biodegradable and helps the soil. - I burn all paper and cardboard at nights in the campfire when there is a lot. - Hard plastics & metal get recycled by the city. Though I clean and keep containers for leftovers and freezing food.

Stop being so selfish. Part of the reason the neuroticism and anger arises is because there is an underlying urge within you to make people think, act, and behave in a way that corresponds with what you want. Which is why you persist in arguing endlessly. The world is too complex for that obviously. Introspect for why that is. Ask questions; - It is insecurity? What do I feel lacking? - Am I wrong more often than I think? - Do I have to be the dominant man? - Do I care too much how others see me? The cure to overcoming this ultimately is radical acceptance. Realize that the world is exactly the way it should be, because it is. Everyone else can also feel the way you feel, they are absolutely convinced they are right. The conflict and negative emotions rise when one doesn't understand that and refuses to let go of their own position. Let the world flow as it does, and calmly ride the waves within it, rather than trying to steer them in the directions you want. Hope this helps - cheers - Roy

lol Solipsism is a laughably preposterous idea. It's an ego game of the mind and it doesn't even stand up to basic logic; If everyone is convinced they are the nexus of the universe, then who do you trust? It's an idea created by where you're willing to lend out your belief. That's it. Of course you'll insist, "Yea but you can't KNOW you're not the centre!" The knowing or not is irrelevant because the foundation is predicated on belief, which is inherently flawed.

@Javfly33 Quitting cold turkey will cause a lot of mental and physical discomfort. Also ego backlash, which will discourage you from trying to change the habit again when you fail to quit the first few times. Think about it, it's just coffee anyways, it's not like it's heroine or something where you should quit immediately. Just come up with a solid plan, because most people including probably you and definitely me just don't have the willpower to quit cold. Consider trying a strict regiment like this over the course of weeks so your body can adjust (customize depending on your addiction level); Week 1 - One coffee per day Week 2 - One coffee every OTHER day Week 3 - One coffee every 3 days Week 4 - One coffee every 4 days And so on until you feel you don't need it anymore. It's important NOT to replace it with other things like tea or pop. Simply drink water in it's place and pretend it's the coffee you usually drink. It's hydrating and great for you!

Yeah but they're usually useless girls so they're not that desirable anyways lol.

The whole notion of "good enough" are just standards we construct and set for ourselves. Do self-help because you love yourself and want to be better for the world.

It may not be necessary in a pragmatic sense, but it will be limiting. Humans are social creatures with a booming population, it's almost impossible to make money without relating to other people, because where else are you getting the money from? Letting intimacy take it course naturally will deepen your ability to relate with others. It can still happen for you even if you're a shy introvert. If you're not into having tons of friends why not go really deep with just a few people?

What you're describing sounds like you're smothering and coming from a place of neediness. Texting every day and going out a few times a week is too much early on, assuming you're talking about less than 1-2 months into the relationship. Women need time to breathe and process about how they feel about you emotionally (and hang out with their friends where she'll talk about you). They don't get that space if you're always there. Also showing so much affection and hoping to open her up is just more of the neediness. It's counter-intuitive because it's so tempting to want to seal and lock the relationship down if you're really into them, but consider being more detached at this stage of relationship. Make them message or call you some days and leave a sense of mystery. If there are days with no contact, it's easy to freak out and panic, but don't worry it's not like they've forgotten you exist already. Also don't share everything so fast and (sometimes) give off an attitude like you don't care. It drives them wild and they'll crave wanting to be with you for the next date if you do it right. Think of it as protecting the flame gently after having that spark. If you smother it or try to stoke it too much you'll lose it. Hope this helps - Roy

Maybe your futures haven't aligned? Or you haven't been stimulating enough to hang out with past quick flings? You'll have to be more specific.

It sounds like a therapist would be wise yes. Getting into a relationship and chasing girls at this moment wouldn't be a wise thing. Having such insecurities and low self-esteem will likely sabotage any relationship you get yourself into. Having a girlfriend won't magically solve your problems either. People think having a partner cures so many things but it doesn't, that's a trap. Deleting phone contacts, distancing yourself, and doing drugs are forms of escapism. This doesn't help deal with your feelings, it only exacerbates them. Consider engaging more with life and people even when you don't feel like it emotionally or have the energy. This will actually boost your self-esteem, you'll find people are way more easy going and accepting than your brain is telling you. Of course being lonely and doing a complete 180 to an extroverted party lover won't be authentic or even possible. So you need to learn to love your solitude while you have it. Find things you really enjoy doing and that are worth your time, stuff that occupies your mind so you aren't stewing in your negative emotions. Hope this helps - Roy

Certainly as one becomes more conscious they start to identify with other creatures and become aware of their suffering. It seems to be a statistical trend that as people become more "conscious" they drop eating meat. However in the absolute sense there is nothing truly wrong with eating meat, it's all just moralizations. Personally I was vegetarian for 5 years but started adding fish back into my diet for personal goals. I just can't support unsustainable or cruel practices and refuse to give them money, which is what they want. I knew what was going on for most of my life but once I became truly aware, it all just clicked one day and I stopped cold. I couldn't consciously rationalize supporting such industries with my wallet anymore, they won't get a dollar from me ever again.

The explanation for why there is so much mindless debate and hostility in politics these days is pretty simple. Technology has ruined our attention spans. Most people can't be bothered nor care enough to sit and listen and discuss specific policies or nuanced POV. Not to mention most of the "discussion" takes place on public platforms like youtube, media, or tv where people are trying to score points with the eyes watching. People hear one point or policy from another person, and because they are intellectually lazy and have no attention span, they just automatically classify them in their head broadly as a "liberal" or "alt-right", and assume they hold a bunch of other positions based on that caricature. Of course people are much more complicated than that. For example I've got policy views and attitudes that swing all over the place. From supporting universal health-care to the death penalty. I can't even think of a word for myself lol. Obviously this sort of political clashing is nothing new. It's just that modern technology and media has served as the perfect nesting ground for it. Everyone gets to pile up their own ideological mole hill and then gets everyone who thinks the same to come over and hands them a shovel. The ultimate circle-jerk.

Are each of those clinically diagnosed or are you just perpetuating it because it's in the family history? Not trying to be dick you just aren't 100% explicit in your post. Be careful not to hold onto them as an identity because it's possible it's kept you stuck in a victim mindset all this time. Unless either of those are seriously debilitating your day to day life they might be just manifesting as excuses not to do the work to find real love. Which it's never too late for. Start by dropping the label of "lonely disabled virgin". It only exists because you are saying it and letting it happen. As far as love making with an actual romantic partner it's amazing regardless of age, no other sex really compares to it. Part of the problem is your mentality towards it. Just buy wording it as "something to check off on the bucket list" you subconsciously delegate it to being some kind of chore or "thing you have to do". Be enamored at the possibility or finding and creating that situation for yourself! It could be a reality for you sooner than you think if you just let go of all the bullshit you've built up.