aurum

@PepperBlossoms We’ve definitely swung as a society in the direction of “cheap, easy” over “beautiful and sustainable”. So I suspect a correction is coming. The problem is, even if people want to create something “beautiful and sustainable”, they often are economically incentivized to do the exact opposite. So what I think needs to happen is that economics needs to be realigned with beauty. We want our economics incentivizing beauty, not the other way around. And there may be some hard limits to that realignment. But we haven’t hit them yet. We’ve collectively barely even tried.

“Too early” can be very subjective. It’s not like there’s a rule that you can only kiss a girl after X amount of time. Especially at a nightclub. More than likely what happened was your timing was just off. You probably went for it out of nowhere and came off as uncalibrated to the situation. These mistakes are how you learn. Nothing has gone wrong, this is the process. 1am?? That makes no sense. So if you get there at 12am, you’re just going to sit there in the corner by yourself, not talking to anyone for a whole hour? Meanwhile, you’re getting more and more in your head every minute that goes by. And then some magic flip is going to switch at 1am and you’ll be super social? Nah. Talk about awkward. Unless you’re already with a group of friends and having fun, you need to be talking to people as much as possible. Pickup at a night club is like swimming. If you stop being social (swimming), you drown and die. You talk bullshit. Substance matters basically zero. It just has to be fun. I strongly dislike clubs as well, but you can still have a fun time if you choose to make it fun. And since they are the ideal environment in many ways for learning, you kind of just have to do it. I would say your biggest lesson is not to not move as fast. It’s to learn how to read when it’s appropriate to kiss or not. That could be 30 seconds in, or it could be 30 minutes or 30 hours or never. What are the green lights that let you know a girl is open for a kiss? That’s a better question.

If she is really deadset on this job and moving than it honestly just sounds like a compatibility issue. You’re both clear with what you want, both with yourselves and each other. But in this case that just doesn’t seem to be lining up. In my experience, it’s common that there’s sort of “that one fight” that keeps coming up in a relationship. And it sounds like this is yours. Some couples make it through that fight, some don’t. In my past relationships “that one fight” broke us up every time. But if you make it through I imagine you guys will be stronger for it. It will really cement the bond. If you have other couple friends, I would maybe talk to them about it. Find people who have worked it out in similar situations and see how they did it. Wish you guys the best.

You’re welcome!

Well first off, I don’t think Cal is pushing people to just grind through a job / career they hate. The whole point of the book is based on the question of “how can I get the most satisfaction out of my career? How can I find truly fulfilling work”? He just takes a bit of a different approach. I reconcile the differences by realizing that his perspective is partial. I do think there are things I tend to be more naturally passionate about and intuitively guided towards. But I also recognize that you need skills. You want to be very, very good at what you do. And what I put into my career tends to be what I get out.

@rush It's a good book with a lot of valid points. General synopsis is no one is going to pay you just because you are passionate about something. You have to actually have skills that people consider valuable. And often the more we commit to something, the more passionate we become about it. So instead of getting stuck in this never-ending search for what you're passionate about, commit to a craft and as you invest you'll come to love it. It's not bad advice overall. My biggest nitpick with his book though is that he doesn't seem to fundamentally understand why "follow your passion" is important advice. "Passion", from a spiritual perspective, is literal communication from your higher self. That feeling, that intuition, is how spirit nudges you in certain directions. And if you're not attuned to that, big problems. Cal Newport strikes me as a guy who is highly rational / analytical. He's more or less a materialist as far as I can tell. So his perspective, while valuable, I still find limiting.

I would look deeper into the beliefs you have around this. Attraction is not as simple as “who has the most money / status?” Introspect on where that fear is actually coming from and why.

Yes that’s another really potentially toxic belief. It’s sort of a favorite in the redpill / pua community. I do think there’s a place for being conscious of power dynamics in relationships. Like if I’m just investing, investing, investing and it’s not being reciprocated, then I’d want to know that. But it very quickly can devolve into cynicism and an unhealthy competitive frame. If you’re spending the majority of your time in your relationships thinking about power dynamics, that’s a really bad sign. Because the fact you even have to think about that shows how unsafe you feel in that relationship. Awareness is half the battle. Glad it helped! Thanks for sharing ?

Absolutely. One of the first things I tend to do when I really need emotional support is reach out to someone who I know is good for that. Feels very natural and helps a lot. In general I’d say that’s right. I think we need to be cautious of that mindset though. Thinking that way feels like it can fall into the trap of forcing oneself to be less needy in order to get something. Which as I mentioned in this post should not be the goal. But of course, if that’s where you’re at, that’s where you are at. Denial of that could also be a denial of needs.

Thank you. That certainly could be one way that people use the term neediness. People will use different terms differently, which is part of what can make explaining this so challenging.

@PepperBlossoms Yep that’s our stage Orange culture showing itself. Some people deal with it by doing what your interviewers are doing, i.e basically just going along with it because you have to pay your own bills. Otherwise you have to find a company that is more conscious or create your own business. Those are really your only options. If you decide to create your own business, it can still pay to have a job for a while to keep you financially a float. But you have to be planning your exit strategy at the same time.

You just said “it’s not really a belief” and then went on to state a bunch of beliefs. You say you don’t have a rule about it, but it feels to me very much the opposite. It feels very much like you are at least somewhat closed off to the possibility of a relationship before sex. Maybe I am wrong. But that’s my read. But it’s sort of implied by saying that if you don’t sleep with her first, you will lose some girls. The implication being that dating is numbers game where we should seek to maximize our potential odds of success. Which I also disagree with. This is another belief about dating and how relationships work. And I know it comes from PUA / red pill thinking because I was taught the same thing. But you don’t have to actually do that. It’s really more of a power game than anything else, born out of having poor boundaries in the past. And it’s potentially toxic by making people feel like they need to have the upper hand.

?thanks!

How are we defining “nice” or “finish last”? I find these are really vague terms. In general, if a woman is messing around with guys who are narcissistic or otherwise unhealthy, I take that more as her trauma than an objective truth about women. And it doesn’t sound like the kind of person I’d want to be in a relationship with anyway. This is where we diverge then. I think this “no relationship without sex first” belief is a toxic for guys looking to get into healthy relationships. If you’re into PUA, then it’s a great belief. And I’m not saying everyone must now wait until they’re married until they have sex. What I’m really trying to convey is that I don’t have a rule about it. The rule comes from insecurity. And I have too. We all have to work at properly putting forward our intentions and being vulnerable. But you can also miss relationships from insisting that sex must come first. Sure, if you’re in a night club and you’re trying to pick up girls. Then you definitely benefit from a more aggressive approach. That’s undeniable. But the world is not a night club. And ultimately, I’m not trying to act in a way that will get me the MOST girls. I’m interested in a solid relationship, which means only one person. So the percentages and calculations about what works the most number of times doesn’t matter to me. I trust the universe to bring who is right into my life, just like it always does. Regardless of “odds”.

@Raptorsin7 No, I haven’t transcended “unjust” dating. But it is possible to transcend a lot of the bitterness relative to this topic. All relationships are based on meeting needs. To ask people to not be selective about who they date is the equivalent of asking them to enter into a relationship where their needs won’t get met. Which will never happen if both parties are relatively conscious. The good news is that pretty much anyone is capable of ending up in a relationship where they are relatively fulfilled and their needs are being met. There may be some rare outliers, like perhaps people with severe physical deformities. But this is such a low percentage of the population it’s not worth forming a world view around how unjust the dating world is. And even people in these extreme outlier examples can still find happiness,

My worry here is that this sets a potentially toxic “battle of the sexes” frame. If we believe that women are “punishing us” for essentially being better human beings, then maybe our problem is not women. But what we are men are defining as our “reward”. If our reward is sex as quickly and easily as possible, then that might be true. You’re better off looking like a player who she has no possible future with. But actually, if our reward is a deep, meaningful relationship and intimate experience that fulfills us, then it might be right to wait to have sex. It could actually make it “more special”. Not by suppressing anything, but by feeling into the natural timing of things and not forcing anything. For puas, their goal is as much sex as fast as possible. So of course this doesn’t interest them. But if guys weren’t in scarcity around sex, like a lot of women, then waiting isn’t a scary thing. You know it’s coming. So you want the full experience. Not just to get it in as soon as possible.

@blessedlion1993 I don’t think you had bad intentions. But most women are not going to feel great about having sex with a guy they just met and then leaving right after. Especially outside of a party context where something like that might be more acceptable. So you’re not an asshole. You just misread her perspective on this. I know she said “yes” when you asked to her leave, but that doesn’t she won’t feel bad about it later. Very unlikely she would impose and turn down your request.

Because all these videos are made for guys. The more you believe that women are out there looking for casual sex, the more you will be able to find it. It suits your needs to believe it. But Leo is right. Sure, women enjoy sex. And they might settle for casual sex at times. But really what most of them want is an intimate relationship, which is also where the sex becomes the most enjoyable for them.

This is a shitty thing for her to blame on you. Red flag IMO. Sure, maybe the situation is stressful and you could have acted better. But if she needs medication, there is something much deeper she is struggling with than “this guy I slept with once won’t be my boyfriend”. I think I’d release her into the wild in this case. I’m all for friends. But she already said she doesn’t want that. So probably best to just drop the whole thing and for both of you to find someone more compatible.

I’m sure there’s something to the g-spot. You can read anatomy books and learn all about that. In fact I’d recommend that. But that’s for OUTSIDE the bedroom to think about. When you’re in it, then you’ve got to forget about all that. And just be present. Sex is way, way more than just a scientific, surgical game of pressing the right physical buttons. Consider that there are tantric practitioners who can give their partners full-body energy orgasms without even touching them. So this obsession with trying to do everything right in terms of the physical is very limiting.

@Federico del pueblo It’s all about reading her and what she seems to be receptive too. If you’re attuned to her body, a lot of the time she won’t need to say anything. Although words can certainly help and play a role as well. And the corollary to that is being attuned to your own body’s impulses. Attunement to her cues manifest as cues in your own. So you’re impulsive, but also hyper aware. From there anything is fair game. Faster, slower, deeper, shallower, circles, straight, harder, softer, whatever. It’s all on the table. You could potentially even just penetrate and sit there. Pick your tool and have at it.

Thanks!

I’m not really a fan of the first text you sent. But too late now I suppose. Controversial opinion: I would have no problem keeping her as friend. Having female friends is great. Guys who have been traumatized by “friend-zone” are so paranoid about this. But here’s the key. If you’re going to be her friend, ACTUALLY be her friend. By that I mean, don’t secretly be trying to hook up with her. Consciously and proactively make the decision for things to be platonic. The problem is, that’s probably not what you want. You’re going to say “sure, let’s be friends!” but secretly be resentful. Especially since it’s clear you obviously want something sexual with her and she is the one turning it down. So you’ve got to do one or the other. Either really lean into the friends thing and own it. OR go the other way, and tell her you’re not interested in being friends, you have plenty of those already. And then move on if that’s what she really wants.

And that’s fair enough. A lot of guys struggle with putting forward their intentions in a healthy way. I know I definitely have. So it’s good that we got some serious answers in this thread. But keep in mind that this does not necessarily mean you aren’t approaching girls like a starving dog. Being a starving dog that is very good at pretending it’s not starving is very different than being full. Most “nice guys” guys who struggle with putting their intentions forward are the former. Just something to consider.

Yes that’s all basically correct. It’s because of this system that we will never pay down the US debt. That’s my point. The monetary system needs to reformed to eliminate money created as interest-bearing debt.