Gili Trawangan

I've had a very traumatic experience with a woman with NPD, not BPD. Some of the things you describe are different, but others are the same, like the gaslighting and the abuse. In hindsight, it was very necessary for my spiritual growth, but it certainly didn't seem that way at the time. As others have mentioned, there is a reason this happened, you need to look within and find out why you stayed with her for so long. It's not easy and it will certainly take time to heal, but do know that it will. Entirely. For me, that relationship was what prompted me to really start introspecting and looking at my childhood traumas and doing shadow work. Ultimately, it put me on the spiritual path as well. Best thing that ever happened to me. How do you stop fantasizing about the good times? That's a tough question, I think time is needed. Pushing thoughts away is probably not going to work, just allow them. And allow yourself to feel bad, it's ok. There is no easy answer to trauma of this kind, but it's important to love and accept yourself when you're feeling bad, or when you're reminiscing, or when you're feeling angry. Just allow everything to be, and take your time.

@Striving for more That's the spirit! @charlie cho Good point! And cheers to all the other people who commented, I'm glad you've taken something away from the post.

I traveled long-term in the past, not anymore. I did budget solo travel around the globe, saved up as much as I could beforehand, and then worked online during the trip and kept expenses to a bare minimum. You'd be surprised how much you can accomplish if you're resourceful (and, I must admit, pretty lucky too)

@RendHeaven Thanks for making this point, and you made it rather eloquently.

@Jacobsrw Both. Resourcefulness is something you need (from a relative perspective, of course) in order to actualize your desires/dreams. Isn't that an intrinsic payoff? Yes, I have a fulfilling creative outlet. I know what you mean, I've had that feeling in the past. I thought that sleeping with a bunch of hot women would make me happy and it didn't. Which is why I'm not advocating any of this in order to be happy. Happiness is what we are, and it should come first, without reason or circumstance. Nowadays, I'm happy despite sleeping with multiple women. I do it because I enjoy it, not because I'm searching for happiness. It doesn't take much of my time to find women who are looking for the same thing I am, so why not? Yes, I do enjoy it. But, again, I don't need it.

@Thought Art I have no idea what this addiction formula is. Is it a song structure?

@SamC In a weird way, it sort of led me to it. It was deep suffering from issues with a girl that ended up putting me on the spiritual path. But I really don't think it's required in any way... it's just that suffering has a way of kicking you and pushing you in the right direction

@SamC Roughly three months. But after that I wasn't consistent for a long time, for over a year. And, really, it was only after having a few awakenings that I feel that the old patterns of insecurity have left me and it all sort of became effortless. It depends on where one starts from, but it might take a while. Luckily the whole process is fun!

@Thought Art Amen!

@LfcCharlie4 Definitely agree with you, and I've made my peace with the idea of music being just a hobby for me, even though I'm trying and will continue to try to make a living from it. If it does remain a hobby, it will be just as significant for me.

@SamC Thanks for making the point for me. I thought it was clear... This post is getting no love from the ladies

What do you mean? I've done cold approach all over Europe... especially in Eastern European countries.

@Peter Miklis We agree then, we're just calling it different things. To me that's resourcefulness

@Rilles Yeah sure, but that's not even what I mean. Granted, music that sells has value. But I'm talking about all the music being made that doesn't sell, not because it doesn't have value for people, but because it doesn't even reach people in the first place. As a musician, you know that one of the most difficult things is getting your music heard. I don't mean liked or anything, just heard. I have no doubt that there are incredible musicians out there who, because they don't know how to get their music heard, would fall under this "no value" category. That's what I meant, I wasn't referring to higher or lower consciousness. And yeah, Arcade Fire are great, I saw them live once in Brazil when they were still unknown, and it was a hell of a show

@Surfingthewave I can understand how some of this might seem off from your perspective. First of all, I'm addressing men who struggle with dating and attracting women, therefore that's what I focused on. It's a very male-oriented perspective regarding attraction. But also, quite frankly, a lot of what dating is about initially is the man conquering the woman, that's the mating ritual. During this mating ritual, a personal connection may be formed, or maybe the connection comes afterwards, or it may never come, but the ritual always takes place. I do treat women with respect (I'll grant you that wasn't always the case), so much so that I'm completely honest from the beginning. I make sure to tell them beforehand that I'm not looking for anything serious, and they either reject that entirely (which happens often) or they are looking for the same thing I am and therefore there are no misunderstandings or hurt feelings. I fully agree that women aren't a difficulty to overcome, but that isn't always the way it seems when you're a guy who struggles with dating them. Again, I wrote this with those guys in mind, in an attempt to help out

@Leo Gura Yeah, but if we're going down that route then that last sentence of yours is too simplistic. More often than not marketing plays such a big role in getting people to pay for your music. Practically speaking, one would have to get good at marketing in order to not only find an audience that resonates with the music, but also convince them to pay for it. So it's not just that: music that's paid for = good value. I don't think it's that simple.

I honestly don't know the answer to this. I make music because something compels me to do it. Does it have value? What is value anyway? Nothing really has value, or everything has value.

Great video, thanks for sharing.

How to Heal the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw.

You're not seeing yet how much fun it can be.

Going on holiday today. It's been a year since the last one and I'm looking forward to having some time off. It's only a week, but I guess I can count myself lucky that I'm able to travel, most people aren't able to do that. Will be visiting Hoi An, it's supposed to be picturesque and quaint, and it probably won't be overcrowded the way it used to be pre-covid. It's by the beach as well, and I'm always up for being near the ocean. The goal: to rest and recharge.

I don't really know why I feel compelled to start writing here. Is this any different from a private journal? Probably not. At some point I'll probably write about the so-called self-actualization journey, whatever that is, but right now I just want to write about today. Granted, all of this is going to be a story. There is only what's happening, the Now, but in the Now one can write about a story, why not? In the last few days the illusion of ego has been seen through again and again, and there are moments when everything is brand new, fresh, with no memory or me in them. Just the present moment, without thoughts. Then there are moments of pure ecstasy, for example today when listening to the Rupert Spira meditation "Nothing can make you happy". It is recognised that happiness is This already, only sometimes clouded by thoughts and feelings. And the feeling then was Home. Nothing needs to be done, this is it. But then I go to a work event in the evening, and a gorgeous girl sits in front of me, and the life story starts to appear in the form of thoughts and feelings. And a pull towards her. And jealousy of every guy who is talking to her. And the feeling of inferiority. And the wanting to live up to a formerly created identity of being good with women. Oh, but right now I can hardly talk to women, or anybody else, for that matter. Attention falls away from chit-chat into something else, and there's no presence in the conversation. And there is the thought and the projection that I'm weird. "Nobody else behaves this way. Everybody else is just focused on what's in front of them." And all of these stories make me feel queasy, until the event is over and I come home. And on the way there are horrible self-defeating thoughts that I'm a hypocrite, telling myself that there is no me and I'm home when all it takes is a pretty girl to bring me right back into believing the story of me, the story of the guy who has a certain history and inclination. With the wind in my hair, thoughts give way to what's happening, and everything starts fresh again. There is no me, there is constant renewal, nothing ever sticks. And it's so fucking overwhelming, it's utterly groundless, there's no leg to stand on. I don't know how anyone can do ANYTHING in this world. There's nobody here, how the fuck does anything get done?! Yet tomorrow is another day, and something else is bound to appear, out of nothing, into the everything that is Now.

Good post.

So I haven't written here in a long time. Didn't feel like it, I guess. A lot of it was due to going through caffeine withdrawal, it has taken me quite some time to feel normal again after quitting coffee. But things have been good now that I feel normal again, with enough energy to get me through the days without the need for stimulants. The EP is finally going to come out on March 5th. I just couldn't bring myself to release it before, and couldn't quite understand why, but then I realized that there was something wrong with the mastering. I checked it against other music out there, and it turns out that my masters were at a lower volume. So I decided to master the EP again. Took the opportunity and also remixed one of the songs that wasn't sounding the way I wanted it to. Big improvement in the end. I've also started posting videos on YouTube about spirituality. I love talking about those things and don't get to do it on a daily basis, plus it's tied with the whole project, the music is very inspired by spirituality. Of course, the audience for both the videos and the music is very small, but that's not the point. I feel like this project is here to help me shed more layers of ego. A big part of my ego is this preoccupation with image, and therefore not wanting to be seen. There's a fear of being seen by others, of putting myself out there. Before posting the first video, there was fear and agitation and anxiety. I knew my family would watch them, and I'm talking about things that they don't understand, and the same thing goes for my friends back home. But after uploading the first few videos, it got better, I just needed to push through. I've also started writing music again, started a new song this week. So things are going well, I finally have my energy back. It took a long time, it's incredible the effect that caffeine addiction was having on me.

Let go of attention altogether. If awareness is pointed at something, it means you're not there. Let attention go over and over again until there is no object. It will feel like you don't know what's happening or who you are, there will be no thought and no awareness of anything. It might take a while to get there, depending on how much meditation you've done before.