Farnaby

@meow_meow I think we often fall into the trap of guilting/shaming ourselves for doing the stuff we would like to transcend. IME this only leads to repression and creating a shadow around those impulses. What has worked for me personally is to cut myself some slack and just be mindful when I'm doing things that can potentially become a problem. I don't mean falling for egoic excuses like "everyone has addictions" but approaching all this with curiosity and being honest with myself about when those habits are starting to have detrimental consequences in my life. IMO if you just repress and shame yourself when you "relapse", you're going to create a lot of tension which will only beg for a short-term release. With the cold beer and cheetos example it would be something like: - I have a strong urge to buy that - If I can catch that urge and sit with it, great. No problem if I end up buying it. I will have created space around the urge and at least increased my awareness of what drives me to "unhealthy" habits and also my tolerance for discomfort. - If the urge is too strong, I will try to be mindful while I drink the beer and eat the cheetos and see how I feel during and after. - If I didn't do that mindfully, I will try to reflect afterwards on everything that has led to that "unconscious" behaviour (maybe I had a fight with my partner or maybe I'm burnt out, just explore with an open mind). At least that seems to work for me. And as @vibv said, I think we have to acknowledge that a part of us (our short-term reward oriented brain) doesn't want to give that up. It's just the way we're wired. Hope this helps

Hey everyone! Vulnerability is something that has interested me for a long time. In my experience, it seems to deepen emotional connection BUT it has to be expressed at the right time and not become emotional dumping, because that could easily lead to loss of attraction. There seems to be a fine line between vulnerability that leads to more connection and vulnerability that turns the dynamic into a boy-mother relationship if you know what I mean. What do y'all think? I'd like to hear both, women's and men's honest opinion on this

@SgtPepper thanks for your input! I tend to fall on the other side of the spectrum (shut-down and not share how I feel, sometimes not even knowing what I'm really feeling, trying to work it out by myself, etc.). I tend to overthink things so one part of me may say: "this is bothering you and it's not going away, you need to share it" and another part will say "what if you wanting to share that is just a way to manipulate the other person".

I also agree with what @electroBeam said about honesty.

@DefinitelyNotARobot I don't know you, but I don't think you were whiny when you self-harmed. You were probably dealing with a lot of pain the best way you could at that moment. I do notice lots of self-hatred, self-loathing in the way you talk about yourself and that's definitely something I would encourage you to get professional help for if you aren't in therapy yet. That will also help you make the best decision for you in regards to your scars and dating, instead of out of fear of rejection. Fear of rejection is a natural thing, but you can learn how to heal past trauma and childhood wounds so it doesn't control you as much in your adulthood. I wish you the best

Wow, thank you for everything you all have shared. I guess the main takeaways are: vulnerability builds connection but shouldn't be present too soon or too much because it can kill attraction yes to vulnerability, but not with a secret agenda or in some manipulative way some women like vulnerability and other women don't the ideal is a healthy mix of confidence, vulnerability, being charming, protective but not pretending to be invincible I also agree with those of you who said we need a better definition of vulnerability because it seems like we all project our own experiences and interpretations. For me, vulnerability means not pretending that "everything's OK" all the time, especially when it really isn't. At the same time, it's certainly not always easy to discern what stuff you should share and what stuff needs to be dealt with without involving your partner too much. @Origins ^^ I like that straight to the point answer. For me it's never only about fucking. Sex is certainly an important part, but I'm not too interested in it if there's no connection. The part about vibing, I kind of agree but not completely. If you've ever been in a long-term relationship, you've probably experienced conflict, up's and down's, moments of connection and disconnection, of vibing and not vibing. I'm happy I didn't leave when we weren't vibing in harmony. I wouldn't have learnt how to navigate those moments, work on my attachment style, etc., if I just left the moment I feel we aren't vibing. I think it's important to discern between normal stuff that happens in relationships and red flags.

@Nahm That's what I usually call vulnerability and since you said being vulnerable is swinging the pendulum a bit too far, I wanted to know if you're also talking about this kind of vulnerability. @Keyhole Thanks for sharing your honest opinion. I think it's a societal issue. Most of us don't like or don't know how to be around unpleasant emotions so we tend to repress them in ourselves and other people. The question is: how much of our fear reaction to vulnerability is just our nature or conditioned by transgenerational trauma.

@Preety_India Thank you for your insights! @Nahm Yes, that feels true. However, I've found that sharing the important things that are holding you back from feeling connected to the other person, can go a long way. Even if those important things stem from identification with thought. At least that's been my experience so far. @Leo Gura I agree with that. Even in a relationship, I think it shouldn't be overdone. @electroBeam Hmm you mean unfiltered expression? Like shouting or crying when you are triggered?

Hi! I've noticed that I enjoy being present with my girlfriend, spending time with her, being intimate (not only sexually), as long as I'm not asked to give any of those things. Especially when I'm not feeling in the mood to give a hug for example, I feel pressure if I'm asked for one. If I give it, I feel like it's fake and forced and if I don't I feel guilty. I put "neediness" into quotation marks because I'm not sure if that's actually being needy or just expressing normal human needs. Personally, I don't like asking for affection, because when I get it like that I feel like the other person isn't giving it because she wants to but because I asked. I feel better when I go with the flow and let things happen naturally without having to ask for those kind of things. I may go for a hug, but not ask for it if I sense the other person isn't receptive or in the mood. When I've done that, it never satisfied me. I guess my question is if this is a natural reaction or some kind of learnt behavior. The same actually happens when my family expects me to call/visit them and I feel like I have to do it unless I want to feel guilty. Thanks a lot!

@Gesundheit that's possible, but I think it has more to do with our attachment styles. I'll watch the videos though, thanks @LessonsSavesLifes I actually have no problem and like connecting to people intimately (especially my girlfriend and some friends, with my family I'm still very closed off because they judge and project a lot). The problem arises when I feel like people demand my presence and affection and I find myself facing 2 options: 1) Do for them what they are asking from me, without really feeling it 2) Not do it and feel guilty for it I usually explain to my GF how I feel when this happens and why I don't like choosing option number 1 but she says she doesn't understand why it's difficult for me to show affection when she needs it. She kind of implies "that should be easy and not feel like an effort if you love the other person". And that's right, it is easy and doesn't feel like an effort, when I'm not pressured to give it lol. @Preety_India Thanks for sharing your opinion! I think we're both relatively emotionally stable. Don't want you to think that this happens all the time and with lots of drama and fighting. But I do think that she has a harder time regulating herself when she feels bad and needs another person to be there for her. She doesn't make me do things, but sometimes there is what feels like a subtle emotional manipulation as if she was saying "if you loved me, it shouldn't be hard for you to give me love when I need it". And as I said above, it isn't hard for me when I don't feel manipulated and I'm actually a guy who enjoys hugging her, cuddling, laughing together, and so on. Just not 24/7 and I don't like feeling like I have to be available to do it every time other people need it. That leads to me being more avoidant but at the same time I feel guilty for not being able to satisfy her needs. I usually start to overthink: "what if she's right and I'm too cold", "maybe I should be able to do it", "maybe sometimes we gotta do things for other people even if we don't feel like it"...

Hi! Lately, I've been consuming a lot of material on awareness, self-inquiry and so on. I've also been able to stay as awareness (for a lack of a better description) and go back to that neutral consciousness without any effort. In that state, anxieties, worries, emotions, come and go pretty quickly. But now I'm asking myself if this direct experience isn't just something I've tricked myself into. How can you trust your direct experience? When I'm identified with my worries, my direct experience can be a feeling of anxiety. When I detach from those thoughts, my direct experience is calmness. Why is it generally accepted that the second state is the true one if both can be directly experienced? It seems like giving up this skepticism would make me an easy target to believe something without seeing if it's really true. For instance, people like Mooji teach you to put aside all doubts so you can discover truth. Isn't that similar to what religions do: "there's a God in heaven, just believe me and put aside every doubt". Thanks a lot!

@Gesundheit definitely agree with you on this one. Seems pretty cult like to not accept people expressing different opinions about reality, consciousness, god, love and so on. I agree that we can all sometimes be arrogant and talk as if we hold the ultimate truth and that's not the best attitude, but isn't that exactly what banning people with different opinions is? I've also seen Leo frequently being condescending (and sometimes downright disrespectful) towards anyone who disagrees with him. IMO if you don't want this to turn into a cult you should tolerate different opinions. Of course moderating insults, racism, troll posts and so on is a good idea but banning people because they don't agree that everything is Love... How is that different from cult/mass thinking?

@Nahm Ok, I get what you mean and see how that is "true" in a sense. From a scientific POV I disagree though. There are different states of consciousness that are easily measurable with electrodes.

@Nahm Now I'm even more confused lol Most spiritual teachers clearly point to our true nature as being something that's beyond any personal identity, thought, emotion, body and so on. They call it consciousness, awareness, God, oneness, it, and so on. What I'm skeptical about is if that's really our true nature or if it's a state we can reach thanks to how our brains are designed, just like there are other consciousness states.

@LarryW the sun is still there while you sleep. We could say that for you subjectively it doesn't exist. But it exists nonetheless whether you're in a state of consciousness that's able to perceive it or not.

@Nahm Not sure if I understood you. If I trust exclusively my sensations, bringing my attention back to awareness is what feels more peaceful and blissful. But does that mean that's the truth of who I am and so on? From that perspective, it almost feels like I'm some kind of emotionless being that can choose to identify (or not) with any feeling. On the other hand, if I trust my direct experience, it is constantly changing, sometimes there is anxiety, other times there is anger, sadness, peace, joy, and so on. Isn't that true as well, at least in that moment? I see how there's still a never changing part during those experiences, so I see how some may call that your true self.

@SaaraSabina hi there! It's very positive that you're taking responsibility for your part and exploring what you may be bringing into these relationships. But be careful not to blame yourself or to take the full responsibility. To me it seems like both were projecting abandonment issues onto you as soon as you made your limits clear. Both reactions sound like borderline type reactions (when you're there for them you're the best, when not, they hate you and act out leaving the relationship). Of course, that's just a label and the important part is that both seemed to depend on you and not be able to tolerate the moments in which you didn't prioritize them. That's not your responsibility. However, you seem to be somehow drawn to these kinds of people and that's something you can explore. Do you usually hang out with emotionally unstable people? Sometimes we resonate with the wounds of these people and we feel guilty if we don't help them. The problem is in the end you can't always be there for them and if they don't do their part of the work they'll depend on you and have withdrawal symptoms when you aren't available. I think you have clear boundaries but maybe you feel guilty when you apply them. Unfortunately, you will need to tolerate that guilt and discomfort unless you want to have co-dependent relationships.

@Gesundheit good question. Maybe the most accurate description of who we are, what reality is and so on.

@Gesundheit I don't know. I actually resonate with that definition of truth. But what if it's just another paradigm? Like, before getting into meditation, self inquiry and so on, my paradigm was a bit different. What makes this new definition of truth more accurate than the previous one?

@Gesundheit hmm and how can you be sure that's the truth?

Hey everyone! Most self-realization texts, videos and so on say things like "be aware of awareness itself", "you are that which is aware" and so on. Aren't those still constructs of the mind? Who is the one that can be aware? As far as I understand it, there is only awareness itself, not someone or something that can be aware of it. Hope this makes sense lol. Would appreciate any input that helps me clarify this, thanks!

Thank you all for your replies I agree with all of you. It seems like putting it into words inevitably creates the duality of a seeker and what is sought. Would you say the experience is perceived when "you" completely surrender to what is? What seems paradoxical is that we can direct our attention to that awareness and keep bringing it back there, but at the same time the one that is able to do it is also just a thought appearing in that awareness. I guess the mistake is trying to understand/grasp it lol.

@RickyBalboa I've had similar experiences. An idea that helps me with this is: "you gotta meet people where they're at". For instance, if a friend tells you "I feel bad because X person did so and so to me". From your POV you could think "he's suffering because he's attached to his ego, and his pride was hurt". You're probably right. But saying this to your friend would come across as insensitive/lack of empathy at that moment, because he's feeling hurt and he needs someone to acknowledge this, not to explain to him why his feelings stem from an illusion. Of course this is just an example, not saying that this is how you would react. But maybe the attitude is similar? Like you position yourself as an expert who knows the truth and this can be perceived as insensitive or arrogant? I struggle with this as well. What I've found to be helpful is to "feel into" the situation, and refrain from saying anything that wouldn't be received well. The reason is: even if you're right, he/she will get triggered and won't listen to that truth anyway.

@Jennjenn Hey there! Really sorry that happened to you. I think most people, if not everyone, in your situation would have felt the same (fear, anger, wanting revenge, and so on). It's true that forgiveness is something most spiritual practices encourage and in a sense it's completely true that holding on to the anger is interfering with your well being. However, be mindful of not falling into the trap of guilting yourself because you feel like you can't forgive at this point of your life. You can't force yourself to forgive. And that's perfectly normal and OK. So, whenever you notice that you are feeling that you can't forgive, try to accept that, instead of judging yourself for it. Try to bring your attention back to the awareness in which all that anger, resentment, hurt, and so on appears. If you feel comfortable and safe with your therapist, I encourage you to keep processing all this together with her, because co-regulation plays a huge role in making your nervous system be able to relax again. You can try some somatic experiencing and/or EMDR too. Healing from complex trauma usually takes time and you will probably get triggered now and then (we all do and people who suffered such awful events as you did even more). Use some grounding techniques, preferably together with your therapist, to return your attention to feelings of safety and try to not force anything: - if you can't forgive, don't resist that - if you are judging yourself for not being able to forgive, try to take a step back and bring your attention to the awareness of this experience - if you can't stop judging yourself, don't force it and try to accept that The idea behind this is that any kind of resistance to what is happening right now, creates more tension instead of releasing you from it. As an important side note, sometimes this kind of mindfulness can be overwhelming in early stages of trauma recovery. That's why I encourage you to first work on learning how to ground yourself together with your therapist. I hope this helps!

@Marianitozz I think in theory it's possible to transcend human needs, but since we happen to inhabit a body, there are some needs that require another person. Not saying that you can't deeply connect with yourself, but deeply connecting with another person gives you a whole set of different and important experiences. Of course no experience will ever satisfy you completely, because it's impermanent. But that doesn't mean it's bad or that you shouldn't pursue these experiences. It means that it's important not to forget that you won't find permanent bliss in any of them. So why not look for a partner if that is what you want now?