Farnaby

@Esilda maybe it's designed that way because it matches how we're wired biologically? Not saying it doesn't work the other way around too, but if tinder, Instagram, porn, etc., is consumed sooo much, it probably targets needs that are already present in us. As soon as I started entering puberty, I started noticing attractive girls more and more. I don't think it's humiliating unless you interpret it that way, it's just how most guys I know function (and I'm pretty sure, based on what I have observed in my family and female friends, many women too). Most guys I know also want something deeper, but the first thought tends to be: "hot/not hot/not bad"... Sorry if this is hard to accept but it's what I've found in my experience.

You can see it as humiliating or just how we're wired but that doesn't mean we are exclusively interested in sex. Physical attractiveness is just what stands out first, but we also value "deeper" (I use quotation marks because that could be seen as a judgement/projection) things as well, especially in a relationship. It's not like the only thing we value is if a girl is hot, at least that's not my experience. But to be honest for me it's the first thing that I automatically do: find her attractive or not (and shades of grey in between of course). Attractiveness isn't just looks though, there are plenty of model like women I don't find attractive because they seem fake/artificial.

Hi! I'm 28 and I've noticed that I always tend to feel like a boy instead of like a man. Being baby faced doesn't help (most people are surprised when they find out how old I am. I probably look 23 or something). I think my physical appearance imapcts this but I'm pretty sure it's mostly psychological. I tend to feel like a boy and as if other people don't take me as seriously as they do with men I see around me who look more mature. If I'm with a friend for example, especially if I'm around new people he/she knows better than me, I feel kind of like the little brother that needs to be introduced by this friend. You remember when your parents introduced you to other people? It's a similar feeling. I find it awkward and I don't like it lol. Has anyone experienced this? Any tips? Probably socializing more, not waiting to be introduced and doing it myself and so on right?

@Goldzilla eating certain foods during pregnancy is dangerous. Doesn't mean the food itself is dangerous in general, just for the foetus.

@Shiva99 have you tried an intuitive approach where you masturbate whenever you feel the need, without beating up on yourself and not using masturbation to escape something (which is what usually leads to binging)? Think of it like eating. If you restrict your diet and set up too many rules, you tend to become neurotic about it, feel guilty when you don't comply to your rules and it usually backfires. If you eat when you're hungry, avoid having too much junk food around and focus on living mindfully in general, you're less likely to binge eat IME.

@Nahm I'm also interested in what you mean when you say needing is not attractive but desiring is (I agree with this) and then you say there is no line between needing and desiring? If you imply one is "better" than the other one you're implying there is a difference = a line that distinguishes both or am I wrong?

@Flint I think there are innate tendencies, like the celery example you gave or some temperamental traits. But most things are learned behaviors and attitudes, due to our experiences and how we interpreted them. That's a good thing because it opens the possibility of change. Imagine you were bullied and developed a belief about yourself ("there's something wrong with me") and about others ("people are out to hurt me"). If you set up experiences for yourself that contradict these assumptions, these beliefs will become less and less rigid and may even be completely overwritten.

I see concepts like spirituality, transcendence, etc., get thrown around a lot. But what do they actually mean?

@Purple Man you may be right, but IME dp/dr is always coupled with anxiety, confusion, feeling disoriented, unlike the blissful and peaceful nature of glimpses of "enlightenment". Maybe they are the same and the difference is that during dp/dr the ego is fighting to stay in control and not accepting the shift in perception. The problem is these experience tend to leave you feeling ungrounded and that's not a good thing for psychologically healthy functioning.

As scary as dp/dr is, it is a common symptom of many anxiety disorders and not a sign of predisposition towards psychosis as far as I know. Yes it can happen in psychotic people too, but that doesn't mean it's a sign of psychosis. I agree though that if you're experiencing those kind of symptoms with any substance or activity in your life, it would be wise to slow down or quit until you feel more grounded. Psychedelics can make you unstable. People who say it has nothing to do with the substance are in denial IMO. Any strong experience has the potential to traumatize you, so it's always a good idea to tread carefully and try to get to a grounded state in your life so you feel at peace and stable before taking psychedelics. There is anecdotal reports of very unstable people who have hugely benefited from psychedelics, but it's indeed risky and I would personally leave it as a last resort in those cases.

I see myself so much in this lol. Not because of the nails, but because I also am pretty sensitive/reactive to any attempt to control/change me. What kind of works for me is trying out those changes and see if I like how they make me feel, but without drastically changing the way I do things just to please my gf. Like you, I like giving but not when I'm asked to give lol I like it to be a spontaneous act and not force something that I'm not feeling. As to how to keep the flame going, that's a tough one. I would say not letting conflicts stay unresolved, good communication, trying out new things, trying to contribute to a light/fun/playful atmosphere as much as you can. Also spending time apart, with your male friends, focusing on your life purpose, stuff like that. It's not easy and I can't give you a perfect answer ?

@Preety_India IMO it's completely legit to voice your opinion and negative criticism as well as calling out "gurus" when they are acting in ways that you deem harmful. It is in fact what keeps a group in check and healthy. You don't need to study thousands of hours to do this. That's actually a dangerous road: "don't criticize me unless you have reached my level of understanding and introspection". Lol, this would sound quite narcissistic to every psychologist. Don't get me wrong, I'm against trolling, insults and attacks, but Leo is (like he himself said) just a dude and anyone can call him out respectfully. Yes, he has shared tons of valuable information and insights. That doesn't mean he can't contradict himself, act arrogantly and in condescending ways. He actually does it quite a lot on the forum and it's perfectly normal that some people pick up on this and are going to speak up. That's not projecting. Telling people who criticize him for this that they are projecting is gaslighting 101.

@Peelingthelayers hi! You can't force yourself to like something you don't like about another person. What you can do is inspect the feelings that arise when she acts that way. Do you feel ashamed? Embarassed? Angry? Afraid? Does this way of behaving remind you of some experience in your life that may not be completely digested/processed? It's pretty normal not to like everything about your partner. I don't believe it's possible to feel unconditional love towards your partner 24/7. You have to decide if those things are deal breakers or things that you can use for your own development and to deepen the connection with her.

@johnlocke18 got ya. IMO Leo should be proud that the people who consume his material are critical and skeptical and speak up when they feel like something is cult-like. Instead, I mostly see shaming, gaslighting and patronizing. One thing is true though: debates like these don't tend to lead to anything positive or productive. I understand that trolling should be moderated or censored, but expressing your opinion respectfully shouldn't be. If it is censored, it proves that the people running this place aren't as open-minded as they claim.

@johnlocke18 I think you misunderstood me. What you said is pretty much what I meant with my comment. We share that same feeling towards some aspects of this forum.

To be fair, I've noticed quite a bit of patronizing, group thinking and censorship of different opinions (most recent example with Covid, vaccines and so on) for a few years on this forum. Could be that we're all projecting, but if many people are picking up on something that smells like cult behavior, it would be wise to be open to that criticism and see if there may be some truth to it.

All of the above is good advice. Ultimately, the "inner child" is just a concept, a thought story. It doesn't really exist. It can be useful to understand your patterns and develop compassion and love for yourself though, but don't get too hang up on it. My advice is to focus on doing that which brings you joy, peace, feelings of "adventure"/excitement, learning new skills, etc. Notice what blocks accessing these experiences, have compassion towards it, but push yourself out of your comfort zone a bit every day. That will probably make that "inner child" happy.

@Eph75 I kind of agree and have always tried to look for the underlying dynamics of any conflict. However, this is exactly my problem with this approach. Who decides what is overly sensitive? Isn't that a form of self-blame and judging yourself. In my experience this can lead to constantly second-guess yourself and not assert your boundaries. I agree though, that it's a good idea to look for patterns in what triggers us, but it's easy to become neurotic about it and repress your emotions this way. If something doesn't sit well with you, it's a good practice to learn how to communicate that assertively and respectfully, even if you are being "too sensitive".

@Eph75 this is true, but I think an important part of self development is learning to assert yourself. Otherwise you may easily fall into spiritual bypassing, rationalizing and so on but building up resentment, rumination and not developing the ability to be assertive with your boundaries and emotions.

Don't we all have traits from many different stages? I think higher, more intellectual stages can learn a lot from more animalistic/instinctive stages and the other way around. Viewing relationships through this lens can be risky IMO, because you stop seeing the person as a complex being and impose a label on them that clouds what you are able to perceive. I've fallen into this trap of considering myself more developed and rational than people who mainly like to drink and party, for example. I was secretely judging them (and creating a shadow around my own desire to party) instead of allowing myself to experiment that kind of hedonism.

@kras sorry to hear that. Break ups often hurt a lot, even physically. I remember my first break up left me feeling like shit for a few months. It will get better. Let yourself grief and process those feelings. I hope you feel better soon!

@Nivsch for OCD, ERP probably yields the fastest results. You can try imagining your worst fears coming true and sitting with the anxiety, without doing compulsions to avoid it. Since your phobia is related to flying, gradual in vivo exposure (watching planes flying, going to an airport, taking a short flight, and so on) would eventually be needed and probably the most powerful exposure. Learning to stop ruminating could help you a lot too. Check out Michael Greenberg, he's a psychologist who heavily focuses on teaching how to stop ruminating.

@asifarahim ok I will have a look at that book. Isn't adopting a new mindset kind of faking it till you make it, at least in the beginning? @Matt23 thank you! @DefinitelyNotARobot yeah, I've done some inner child work but maybe in a too intelectual way. I understand where my insecurities come from and can offer understanding and compassion to those parts of myself, but they still have a lot of power in my life. @Leo Gura yep, I think that's the practical stuff that I need to do more, thank you. Visualizing is something I don't find so useful though, because it feels kind of artificial/fake. Yes, you're right, sometimes I'm happy I don't age as quickly and I will probably like that when I'm older if it stays like this. @Loving Radiance to an extent yes. I don't beat up on myself when I'm insecure. If I do I'm not too harsh and not for a long time. It's more like: "c'mon not again, why can't I feel more confident". I can't help desiring that insecure boy to interfere less with my life. I do like his sensitivity and appreciation of music and stuff like that, but when I'm around other people I feel like I'm going to be shamed if I don't repress myself a bit. For instance if I feel like dancing I instantly think someone is going to criticize me and I will look less masculine lol. Probably cultural conditioning and irrational beliefs around masculinity.

Thank you! Will check that book out. I have tried developing my masculine energy but when I do that I kind of feel like an imposter. I've tried the "fake it till you make it" approach but it feels inauthentic and like I'm trying to overcompensate for how I'm really feeling in that moment (insecure).

@impulse9 these vaccines don't go into your veins (and as far as I know all vaccines are intramuscular but don't quote me on that one lol). I agree with you in the sense that these issues are not black and white and there are probably risks to the vaccine. Everything has risks. I also think it's possible that the side effects are being downplayed to avoid more resistance to getting vaccinated. That being said, the risks of not getting vaccinated seem to be waaaay higher and there is a huge scientific consensus around this. Yes, there are scientists who say otherwise but the vast majority agree that the vaccines are safe and effective enough to be a better option than relying on your immune system that has never before encountered this virus. I personally trust the scientists more than whatever amount of information I can find without being an expert and having no field experience in this topic.