Farnaby

Probably intrusive thoughts because you have a lot of resistance towards the possibility of being gay. Did you grow up in a very homophobic family or culture? I'm a straight guy and I've had moments of doubt regarding my sexuality, so I think most people have these moments. I've also had moments of low libido where I thought I was asexual, but when I started having healthier habits, the sex drive regulated itself again. Just the normal flow and change in feelings, not what the thought about asexuality was pointing to. It was just a congruent thought with my emotional state at that moment. Try accepting that doubt like any other thought and it will slowly cause you less fear. Not everything you think is true. However, it could be good for you to sit with the possibility of being gay and let the feelings that arise flow. It would help you face that fear and find out how much truth, if any, there is to your fear.

Something that I think works for addictions in general is awareness. An addiction is by definition a habit that's done in auto-pilot mode. So next time when you have the urge to watch porn, bring your complete attention to your urge. Observe how it feels, what thoughts arise, get to know the "excuses" you find to watch porn, what you expect to get out of watching porn, etc. Often times, when one does this, the urge can be "controlled" or not acted out. This will probably take a great deal of effort, but every time you do this, you're training yourself not to act out on your urge. If you happen to relapse, try to observe this in the same neutral way, without beating yourself up (addictions are deeply ingrained habits that usually serve as an escape to uncomfortable feelings and relapses are a normal part of the process). You can also use this: When you feel the urge to watch porn imagine yourself after having watched it. Try to imagine as vividly as possible how you would feel. After doing this for some time, decide if you really want to indulge in this behavior. Lastly, since many of our addictive behaviors stem from not wanting to feel uncomfortable feelings (boredom, dissatisfaction with life, etc.), get creative and find healthy activities that can feel good and fill your time, especially if you spend many hours without doing anything in particular. As a summary, you could say that you need a balance between discipline and compassion towards yourself to overcome an addiction. IMO, the most important part is increasing your tolerance to discomfort, allow yourself to feel it, let it flow through you.

Are you sure you are addicted? Nothing wrong with eating some junk food now and them IMO. If you feel like it has become an addiction, I would look at it's function. A good way to do this is to sit with the urge when it arises, let yourself feel the emotions so you can see what you're escaping through the addiction. Be compassionate towards yourself, take one day at a time and fill your time with healthier activities. Good luck!

This idea makes a lot of sense. Ultimately, who and how you think you are, manifests in reality and leads to limiting your potential. However, I wouldn't say it's the only cause. IME other factors play a huge role, one of the most important being a lack of deep intimate connections. Maybe it's just me, but I've noticed how my addictive behaviors skyrocket when I'm putting up walls and not allowing myself to build deep connections with other people, not speaking my truth, trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings, etc. On the flip side, when I feel socially connected, present and safe, my addictive behaviors diminish. In a sense, you could say that a disconnection from love plays a huge role in developing and maintaining addictions. I'm sure this isn't the only variable. The difficulty to break a habit, the people you surround yourself with, the potency of the object of addiction, etc., all play an important role. But ultimately, if you feel connected, loving towards yourself and others, it's less likely that you become addicted to something that hurts you.

Hi everyone! Happy New year I've been asking myself this question for a long time and would like to hear your thoughts on this. Do you think love is something that you either feel or don't feel or is it something that's more of a choice, something you can "cultivate"? Maybe it's our very essence, but it has been covered by defensiveness we needed to develop to cope. I'm specifically interested in romantic relationships. We all know there's an initial phase where we just want to be with that person the whole time, think about them, can't wait to see them, etc., and slowly these feelings start getting less intense, although there are moments where you spontaneously feel them again. So my question really is how do you know if a relationship has reached it's end or if it just needs to be worked on in order to reconnect and get that "being in love" feeling to manifest more often. I used to think you either love someone or you don't, and I still think it's true if we only take into account a particular moment in our life. But I also think that if we're completely honest, we don't feel love 24/7, there are many other feelings and things that can get in the way of feeling and expressing this love. Thanks for reading

IMO the problem is making this a "us vs. them" thing, instead of choosing a broader perspective looking for win-win situations. I know many feminists have this more inclusive perspective, but it's also undeniable that recently people with a confrontative attitude, with lots of unhealed trauma, etc., are gaining power and promoting things that IMO only create more separation. The premise is that if you behave correctly and empathetically, you won't have any trouble. That's a nice thing to say but not always how it turns out, because as humans we project and hurt others when we're hurt. Many feminists argue that if you do things correctly, you don't have to worry about being accused of abuse, etc. And I like to think that's generally true. But we can't forget that relationships can be toxic and you can't completely rely and trust that you won't get into trouble. In my country they want to pass a law where only an explicit consent is valid before a sexual relationship. What does that even mean? Do we have to sign a contract before having sex? Or maybe ask every 5 minutes if she's still ok with it? I think it's obvious how many problems this can create and how unspontaneous that would make sex. Of course I think that if you have some basic empathy, you know when the other person wants to have sex with you and when not, but can you really be sure every woman on the planet is conscious enough to not act out and falsely accuse you? I think these issues have to be approached in a way that considers all these factors, in order to protect both women and men.

I see what you mean, but I was talking about the feeling of love towards someone. I guess a better way to ask it is: Do you need to consciously work on relationships to keep feeling connected and feeling love or once it starts to fade it's unlikely to be felt again?

This is definitely a very controversial topic. I can only speak from my experience and POV which probably is biased as every POV is. Where I live, there's lately been a huge expansion of the feminist movement, and like with everything else, it has it's light and shadow. IME, every group is composed of heterogenous people, even if there is "group thinking", etc. Therefore, what probably describes the feminist movement best is a continuum with man-hating women/men on one extreme, while most of the people will find themselves having a more neutral and open-minded attitude. That being said, I've definitely noticed a lot of unhealed trauma related to men in many feminists (but I'm sure they are not the majority). You can almost feel it energetically, especially if you play devils advocate and don't go with the mainstream group thinking. I've even heard "feminists" say that men are not welcome in their debate groups, because they have so many privileges and don't need to be there. That seems really silly and counterproductive if you ask me. Lately there has been the tendency to see "heteropatriarchy" as the cause for almost any problem. Some feminists seem to interpret everything from this lens, confirming their theory almost everywhere. As with anything, if you look at the world from a certain ideology, you will find proof to confirm your worldview, but that doesn't mean it's true. My country is a pretty safe place for women and yet I get the feeling that many women have become more scared to live a normal life (go out at night, etc.) than they actually would if they only took into account objective facts (like statistics of abuse, rape, etc.). This results in overprotective politics becoming very popular, treating women as victims who can never feel completely safe. It even results in attempts to change laws in order to believe a woman's testimony against a man even if there is no proof. Where I live, if a woman says you have been violent against her, you immediately spend 1-2 nights in "jail". IMO this is against the very concept of justice, where everyone deserves a fair trial and it even goes against what feminism is really about -> equal rights and opportunities. However, I can't deny that there are still many people that treat women unfairly and that's why I said I don't think a black/white perspective is close to truth.

Thanks for your input! If love is a conscious choice, more than it is the feeling of being in love (which would be more of a chemically induced "high"), would you say that sometimes action precedes feeling? What I mean is that sometimes I may feel kind of bored, apathetic and not in the mood to connect with people, but if I make an effor to come out of isolation and push myself out of this comfort zone, I actually start enjoying the connection and feelings of joy start emerging. I guess I'm asking this because sometimes when I do this, I have an inner conflict going on that makes me doubt if I'm acting fake or if deeply I long for connection and have just gotten used to disconnection.

I completely understand what you meam. It's not easy to balance what we want to say each moment with building healthy relationships. I think there is a common confusion about authenticity. Authenticity is not acting out any impulse you may have. At least it's not what I think people mean when they talk about your authentic self. And I know when you're angry it may seem like your authenticity in that moment. Your anger is perfectly valid and normal in that situation, but authenticity IMO is not so emotionally charged. As you said yourself, you don't always think she's a terrible person, so what you felt in that moment is probably not the whole picture. I would suggest finding a way in which you can assert your boundaries and feel respected, and acting in a way that's congruent with your deeper needs. I'm not saying to repress your anger. Feel it and find a way to express it that doesn't hurt you or others and when you feel calmer you can make better decisions ?

I don't know about specific videos. Bur for OCD (which is just a label for ruminating and compulsive behaviors), it's important to find out which emotions trigger these symptoms. Usually it's fear. The next step is asking yourself what you need whenever you are afraid and look for ways to feel secure again. Another important part is making a big effort to not indulge in compulsive behaviors. This is going to trigger your fears even more and you will probably feel the need to return to your coping strategies. That's why it's so important to find ways to be there for your emotions, and doing this with a therapist is usually very helpful. The reason why this works is because of how the OCD started in the first place: 1) You feel something uncomfortable (usually some fear) 2) You start imagining bad things that could happen (not that you consciously choose these thoughts, they are just congruent with your emotion) 3) You do something to calm yourself (like counting, checking if you turned off the stove, etc.) 4) It calms you down in the short term 5) The next time you feel something uncomfortable you use this strategy because it calmed you and this reinforces the feeling and idea that something bad is going to happen and that you need to use compulsions so that it doesn't happen. The solution is facing your fears, but in a gentle an progressive way and if you can find a therapist that can be by your side while doing this, I would strongly recommend you do it with him/her. This way, you slowly start to experience that you're safe and learn to calm yourself down without compulsive behaviors. I would also recommend checking out the Polyvagal Theory, because it explains how you can learn to calm your nervous system down by co-regulation from a person from which you sense clues of safety from. This is why it's so important to do this work with someone you intuitively feel calm with and who you feel can be present with your feelings without getting afraid.

I've thought about this a lot too, and I have to agree. However, that doesn't mean it's bad or wrong to focus on health, as long as it doesn't become obsessive. You definitely enjoy life more by living a healthy lifestyle (which isn't the same as never indulginf in "unhealthy" things). Moderation is key.

Thank you! I'm sure that we're very conditioned by our culture and Hollywood may very well have distorted our notion of love. By saying this, do you agree that the idea of love they sell is just representative of the phase where you recently fell in love, which can't be felt all the time in a longer relationship? Unless you keep chasing that high by compulsively looking for a new person that can make you feel that way, of course

Hi! I think this is something we all face when practicing meditation, mindfulness, etc. There are different ways to approach this, such as bringing your attention back to your breath, doing a body scan, but IME it's easy to turn this into an effort instead of a letting go. For me what works best is to accept anything that arises in my awareness, whether it's thoughts that are distracting me, some tension in the body, some expectation or memory and so on. So instead of fighting these thoughts, I would suggest not trying to do anything about them and see what happens to them. There may even be times where you feel more agitated after meditation, which may conflict with our typical expectation to attain some kind of peaceful state of mind. This may trigger the thought that you're somehow doing it wrong. Watch these kind of thoughts how they come and go instead of resisting them. I just listened to this meditation and found it very useful, you may want to check it out Good luck!

I have the same tendency myself, although it's a lot less strong than before. Sometimes my ego backlashes and I start thinking I'm doing others a favor being challenging, skeptical, crytical and mirroring the underlying causes of their behavior. I don't know if it's your case, but most times this is just a rationalization of some anger that I'm expressing in this passive-aggressive way. If others haven't asked for my criticism, etc., but I still do it, I'm crossing a boundary and not respecting them. Something that has helped me is a kind of grief process that starts with the question: "Would I be able to live with the possibility of not having control over how other people think, behave, their opinions, etc.?" You might discover you're pretty resistant to this idea. And at the same time you may see how liberating it feels to stop trying to control these things. You seem to have a great deal of self-awareness and ability to analyze your reality, which is a gift and can be used to your benefit. But be careful to not 100% believe what you think about yourself and other people, since it may be your ego clinging to some sense of control. In my case, it's also somehow related to trust issues and fear of being hurt. Maybe there's something to that in your case too. I hope this is somehow useful! Good luck

Hi! I recently tried looking into my girlfriend's eyes for 10 minutes straight and the experience was quite interesting. My monkey mind was through the roof: "If someone saw us, they would think we're crazy", "What is she possibly feeling/thinking", "Oh, a fly just flew by", "Is this healthy if I'm getting anxious", "Should I try to make an effort to not look away or is that self loathing?", "Are all these thoughts normal because this is not a natural thing to do in today's society or is it my ego that's resisting?" These were just some of the thoughts that constantly appeared in my mind. There were also short moments of no monkey mind and kind of forgetting where "I" was, followed by resistance to let go. Have you ever tried this? Do you think it's useful even if it creates resistance and anxiety? Maybe it's the kind of thing that has benefits if I work through the resistance, I don't know.

I think the true self is just pure awareness, without judgement or questions. In this sense, maybe the question stems from your ego (I actually don't really know), but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you need the ego in order to find your way back to your true self and that can be done through asking questions.

@flowboy Haha good point. I have a tendency to feel bored easily in general. Then I have moments of passion for life and then I return to this more apathetic state. At least now it takes me less time to get out of that state lol.

Hi everyone! First of all, I’m aware that no one can clear up this doubt for me and I know it is something that I have to explore myself. However, I’ve tried everything I can think of (meditation, self-inquiry, being present to my sensations, etc.) and the doubt still persists. Sometimes I can clearly feel that I’m still in love with my girlfriend and other times I feel kind of empty and confused. I purposely say “in love”, because I don’t doubt that I love her. This thought (“Am I still in love?”) has been “visiting” me from time to time for quite some time. Sometimes, when I’m feeling connected to her it just appears out of the blue, leading to disconnection. I have to add that this has been my longest relationship until now (4 years) and maybe what I’m feeling is normal when the limerance phase is over. Has anyone else experienced this or do you have any suggestion that would help me get a clear answer? Thank you ?

@flowboy Haha good point. I have a tendency to feel bored easily in general. Then I have moments of passion for life and then I return to this more apathetic state. At least now it takes me less time to get out of that state lol.

@flowboyYes, I’ve noticed how my passion in general towards life manifests sexually and the other way around. I would say that I’m pretty satisfied with my path in life, although I’m not sure if what I’m doing now will be my purpose my whole life.

@ajasatya I wouldn’t say my sex drive has changed too much, but for some reason when we have sex my monkey mind starts coming up with all sorts of doubts and I feel disconnected. This doesn’t happen every time, but quite often, and it doesn’t last the whole experience. I kind of fluctuate between feeling connected and passionate and disconnecting. In every other aspect I would say we have a great relationship, but when I feel this during sex, I can’t help but question what’s going on. I would say I feel more like a dude than an adult although I’m slowly starting to feel more secure and mature, but when I’m with people over 35 (I’m 27) I have trouble feeling “equal” if you know what I mean.

@ajasatya I see. So if I’m understanding you correctly, the decrease in sexual attraction and passion is a natural course of a long-term relationship and it shouldn’t be interpreted as a signal of falling out of love and that it’s time to end the relationship?

@ajasatya What’s the point of being a couple if the sexual passion gradually decreases? Isn’t it healthier to be friends if that’s the case?

@ajasatya What makes you think that? I have been in a personal development process for quite some time and looking back I’m much more mature, grounded and fall less into old patterns. I think that’s precisely what makes me doubtful, noticing how love is a choice and not something like what the limerance phase feels like. I don’t doubt that I genuinely and usually unconditionally love my girlfriend. I won’t say that I always unconditionally love her, because sometimes my insecurities show up, but I can spot them much faster than before and just trust the Universe (instead of trying to control the outcome) if you know what I mean. What triggers thoughts of doubt is the decrease in attraction and intensity I’ve been feeling. Of course the thoughts of doubt themselves lead me to feel disconnected, worried, guilty, which makes it difficult to spark the passion up again.