Espaim

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Everything posted by Espaim

  1. After watching "How to stop moralizing", "How you lie" and "A rant agains morality" and reading Radical Honesty I dropped many of my shoulds. Not because I should but because I noticed that dropping my demands on myself is something I really wanted to do but didn't now exactly how. What happened: now my mind is much quieter. WOW. There was always a voice in my head judging what I was doing and now it's way quieter most of the time. The thing is: my motivation, which was not that great before, went downhill. I find myself now browsing the phone and napping much more but I just don't care. I'm not following my schedule. I am eating much more junk food. On the other hand, every move I take seems to be so much more smooth. There's no need to should myself into doing anything. I can just watch my body doing it's own thing. That's weird for me. I was always oppressing myself into doing my daily tasks and I was pretty miserable. Now I don't do almost any and I am way happier. Is that how dropping shoulds is supposed to work? Is my productivity going to come back? Yes, I'm worried. I'm starting to imagine negative scenarios randomly where I'll be a homeless bum if I don't do what I was "supposed" to do. All my attempts to build discipline were based on shoulding myself to death. I don't know what to expect, really. Am I putting the cart before the horse?
  2. He seems pretty motivated. Didn't do it for me though. If I remember correctly, when I posted this I was on Modafinil. Holy shit, so much anxiety. I'm not that worriful at a normal day. I guess I'll need to figure out by myself how to get out of this rut because even when I'm on stimulants I can't seem to be able to do any significant amount of work. I think I have some underlying health problem unadressed. It's like my body and mind don't follow up to each other potential. I've been struggling with this for a long time. I was planning to go to a doctor but now all "not urgent" healthcare is not available in my country and I don't have money to go to private doctors. I already went to psychiatrists, neurologist and a GP but that didn't help significantly. I've already posted about this on this forum. I didn't give up though. I'll do what is within and out of my reach to figure this out. My dreamboard is getting bigger but the motivation and discipline is still low as fuck. I'm sleepy and tired almost all days everyday.
  3. @Elham how are you doing now? I have been experiencing the same symptoms. I'm thinking about buying a vitamin d supplement.
  4. Already did months and my energy didn't increase that much. When on caffeine I would crash very hard in the afternoon though. Now the energy is constant throughout the day. Take into consideration that stimulants generally only get me high; I get almost zero productivity increase. Good luck!
  5. Thank you for this topic!! I didn't follow the advice literally and used a chalk board Things are starting to click in my head but the big bang hasn't happened.
  6. @remember Have you done that shift? If yes, how was it? I'm starting to get what real wanting means. Some of my goals come with a hidden "should" and others do not. It's more like an intuition. My Dream Board is helping a lot. I think I'm going to give attention to those goals which have no should attached and see what happen, regardless of my own fears.
  7. @Austin Actualizing Before the trip: I always felt that I couldn't hear or see everything that was present in my awareness. I would look to an object and it would feel like there was a fog between my brain and my eyes perception. It felt like when I looked at a mountain I could only process a fraction of it. My peripheral vision almost never worked well. When I smoked marijuana, I noticed that I could hear the distant sounds of cars, birds, etc. When sober this never happened. When studying, I felt like I would read a sentence word by word and when I read the next word the previous words would be deleted from my memory. This was the extreme case though. It wasn't always like that but on the most part felt intellectually disabled. Also, I had an overbearing monkey mind for the most part. After the trip: Now, I can see clearly when looking at an object or landscape. I can read and make sense of what's written effortlessly. It seems like my meditation gains have been put into everyday life. Meditation seemed to work only for 10 minutes and I would go back to cloudy awareness. Now, if I meditate first thing in the day the effects are significant till evening. Modafinil, Ritalin and l-theanine all have different effects now. Modafinil used to increase my consciousness and a little bit of focus, now it seems to decrease it. It also makes me very angry. Ritalin doesn't seem to have a great effect. When I used to take it it would change my whole perception of the world and increase focus by a ton. Now it's just a subtle increase in focus. L-theanine is the coolest overall. When I take it now I feel like I have meditated. I can feel the wind blowing in my whole body and my mindfulness increases a lot. Before it would only give me brain fog. I didn't try to study on it though. My productivity has decreased overall, funnily enough. I'm adapting to my new consciousness. Or maybe just bullshiting myself.
  8. My ADHD symptoms reduced drastically (maybe have been eliminated?) after a MDMA trip focused on solving traumas. This makes a lot of sense overall. It's been almost 2 weeks since the trip. Maybe I'm still in the afterglow phase but I highly doubt it. Going to watch the video later!!
  9. That 16 year old guy is my inspiration now lol. I'm just 3 years late.
  10. Conscious unconscious devil. Zen devil seems too conscious for me.
  11. I have a really bad time typing myself in any of those systems. I think "maybe I'm X" then 2 hours later "no, it's clearly Z" and never get anywhere. Typing other people has been a hobby of mine for some time though. I can see the value in learning some of this theory. Did the test and came up with: Enneagram 8 - The Challenger Currently on stage 5 (https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-8/). MBTI (from the same site): ENTJ- The Commander It seems like the first result influenced a lot in the second though hahaha.
  12. I think this is a cool Rupert Spira video about the topic.
  13. Boring. Disrupts sleep. Makes me lazy (not that I'm not lazy when sober). I'd rather have some psychedelics or just stay sober. After smoking some changa all my addictions fly out of the window for at least 2 days.
  14. So, I'm thinking about what psychedelic would be the better one to help me work on my counsciousness. I'll already be using LSD anyway but I'm thinking if coupling it with DMT would be a great addition. I currently didn't find any 5-MeO-DMT source in my country. So, I'll have to stick to both or one of these, because the are way cheaper per dose than Mushrooms. Have anyone tried both? What do you think about those? I think DMT is too short and has a lot of distracting visuals. But it kicked my ass way harder than mushrooms have. I feel like it's hard to do anything other than just sitting when tripping on DMT. I can only watch what it shows me. I never tried LSD but will soon. If there's any doubt, I am already doing sober consciousness work. The thing is, all my trips accelerated that growth by a fuckton (some more, some less).
  15. Shit! I thought you were doing only 5-MeO because you talk about it the most. Going to cycle between LSD and DMT then. Going to buy some more DMT when I get the money. What do you mean by high dose? What did you manage to learn from DMT, considering it's fast-acting nature?
  16. When I wrote this post I was maniac on stimulants. I can see now this task is harder and has more traps than it seems. Hell, I probably fucked up with some people yesterday (again because hyped up). Thank you people for your tips!
  17. That must be tough man. If you can manage to be mindful throughout the recovery as you are already doing it'll help you a lot and accelerate your spiritual growth. I hope you get better soon!
  18. Lentils, beans and rice as the main foods. I buy fruits that I find cheap or are in the season. Also, a mix of spinach, broccoli, sweet potatoes and tomatoes for salad. I add some garlic and red pepper to add some flavor to meals. Currently adapting to a new healthy diet since the Corona virus outbreak. My goal is to become raw vegan. Before the quarantine my diet was totally shit. I wasn't mindful of the amount of junk food I ate. I have some relapses here and there but I don't stress much.
  19. I did experience some of those symptoms. For me taking one day off every session reduced bad symptoms (and made the act feel way better).
  20. Watch "How to use psychedelics for personal development" Find a reputable source Buy psychedelics Follow most of Leo's advice when taking them Use your critical thinking here If you are short in time you can use some fast-acting psychedelics like DMT. Beaware that DMT isn't that easy to handle as a beginner. It would be cool if you did your own research to find what psychedelic is the best for what you intend to do. Leo has several videos on the topic.
  21. What knowledge do you think the world need the most right now? In what subject do you think most people would benefit right now if you recorded a vid on? What knowledge would do that AND get the greater amount of views for your channel? In what ways people in your life struggle to get basic things done? What knowledge do you think the world need the most right now? What have you struggled the most on your jorney of self-development? Maybe answering those questions will help you to find a video idea. I can't give you any though. I am not feeling particularly videocreative right now.
  22. I don't have a clue on how to do that. I am curious though. Why do you want to change that passive thinking thing then? For me, it seems like you do think this is a problem.
  23. Okay. Maybe I went overboard here. I'm trying to be more honest overall and shit like that may happen. Let me be more clear: I was pointing out to the possibility of you repressing some of your feelings. Not admitting them. I'm not saying that you are necessarily having fear. But repressing emotions can get you to have that "blank mind", in my experience. It could be fear, shame, guilt, anger or god knows what. Maybe it's just not wanting to talk. That also happens. Nice. I'm curious to see your report!!