SQAAD

@Terell Kirby Thank you.

@Cireeric You described it beautifully there... This fear of God/Infinity is something i face if i trip deep.... Because if you trip really deep then you will eventually become God.. The love part doesn't help me... If my finger is being cut off , whether its love or not doesn't change my situation.... Sometimes i get depressed about Enlightment. Because it is just a recontextualization. Even though it has tremendous benefits, no doubt about that. But when you first get into this work, you expect to levitate once you awaken. Lol.

@blackchair I remember once i was tripping hard and i was absolutely terrified that i would become someone who would be beheaded. Lol. I was crying for my mum. I was begging to forget everything about non-duality. Basically you come up against your worst fears i believe..... Only once i had the privilege to become absolutely infinite. At first it was all fun. Because when you first get into this work, you think about all the positives. I am all wealthy people, i am Bill Gates, i am Buddha etc etc But at the end when i was beginning to realize that i am also all accidents, all rapes, all torturees etc then i got freaked out. My ego was not ready to handle it...Lol It was a rude awakening. But i find that as time goes by, this insights get baked into me slowly and i become more comfortable with the Truth.... But it takes time.....I am still not there. This issue of fear of God has not been addressed by most spiritual teachers on Yt. Leo has touched this issue.. Everybody else is all about love and joy. Nobody talks about the horrendous pain and suffering...

@Leo Gura How do you personally deal with terror??

@Tim R I can't love sh*t live that. This is the worst ever. God is a nutcase. Sh*t like that makes me wish God did never exist...

@Leo Gura I didn't know that he denies imagining other minds.. I don't know what his position about other minds is, i would like to know. It kinda doesn't make sense though because i think he believes that this is a dream that Consciousness dreams...

@Mu_ Thats a good point. It's super difficult to surrender. Ego always wants to control and manipulate its way out.

The last couple of weeks have been hell for me. A lot of my old demons have come out. A lot of sh*t that i haven't resolved yet. Many fears and tons of uncertainty about the future. I am having trouble trusting myself or even Reality. I see myself as someone who is trapped into a machine (body) and i have to live through sh*t that i don't wanna live through. The more things i learn about the brain, society etc the more depressed i become. Everything seems deterministic and fatalistic. For example if someone is born into poverty, his prefontal cortex will be less thick than the average. This is all very scary stuff.. And basically you have to endure whatever cards you were dealt with. Some people have to suffer through the trauma of poverty. (I don't struggle with poverty, i mention this as an example). I can't control my brain, nor my genetics, nor a million other stuff. I am having fears around the brain especially. I fear that as time goes by i won't be able to constrain myself as good as i can now. And that is a good assumption to make if you take neuroscience into account. Because as we age we lose neurons around the prefontal cortex and other areas. And we lose the ability to inhibit ourselves. So i may be doing dumb sh*t that i don't wanna be doing just because i am a slave to this machinery. All this fear comes up because i have no control over reality. I don't know if i will fk up my life because of inability to control urges in the future. This seems like a horror movie to me now. Maybe God enjoys horror movies. I can't trust reality and i can't even trust my own body. This is all very depressing. I've watched these two videos below. And i feel even worse. I feel like a robot. Victim to mechanistic laws. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcMKLwVlpJk&t=3266s

@Mason Riggle I like that. There is just tons of fear. A lot of stuff that i don't wanna experience. That is the challenge of life i guess. All the bad sh*t we don't wanna experience, we can experience...

@PurpleTree Mdma can be great if used properly. The high it provides is just unbelievable. The problem is people abuse it, they sometimes ingest impure mdma and they dance while they are high which can cause more damage because of the heat. Fortunately only once i danced while high on mdma. The other times i was just sitting in my room. Thanks God. To be honest i am really afraid of future consequences. Mdma can cause some permanent damage or at least long-lasting damage to the serotonin system. This can be a problem to users as they age because serotonin lessens as we age. So this could potentially lead to problems sleeping, memory problems etc. I guess a supplement or a drug that boosts your serotonin can help, For me personally i haven't noticed any brain damage. I am always in a good mood even when i am sad. I never get clinically depressed. It hasn't affected my intelligence or anything else. But i am afraid that it may have messed up my serotonin, I have no issues at the moment but i am still young. Maybe i will pay some price in the future. I just wish i was wiser in my early 20s but i really had no clue about drugs. I learned the hard way lol. If i could go back , i would use this substance again BUT a lot more responsibly. And only a few times. If i was few hours away from dying, this would be the substance i would love to take. Lol. It would make everything so beautiful. Infinitely beautiful.

@Leo Gura Wait a minute, i don't get this... You mean 20 orgasms in a row?? What about the refractory period? You would have to wait at least few minutes. How do you count one session? For me one session = one orgasm.

Cravings for me are the worst thing ever. It feels like i am being roasted alive by the devil. If i take an addictive substance (coffee for example), eat a highly palpatable food or have a good sex then my brain immediately latches on seeking that pleasurable experience again. It gets stuck into wanting to recreate the same experience. This creates intense cravings for me which causes tons of suffering. The suffering is not escapable. If i don't chase the craving i still suffer because my brain keeps harassing me to do the substance/activity. It plays on a loop the feeling of the substance and how good it would be to have it. It's painful. Feels like i am losing on something. It's like i have a devil on my head who keeps torturing me until i give in. Some times i give in. Most of the times i don't. I've learned how it works. It feels like if i don't chase to fullfill the craving, the suffering will never go away. Eventually if i remain non-reactive the intense craving goes away within a day or two. But not without creating distress. Basically i want to fullfill the craving so the suffering goes away rather than to gain pleasure. This has made me avoid addictive experiences/substances as much as possible. Because i know how i might suffer afterwards. I don't get intense cravings with everything and not all the time. But is a pattern that keeps occuring quite regularly. I don't know how other peoples brain work. For me addiction is not a matter of wisdom or intelligence. It's more like a weakness in the system. My brain gets stuck on details that most people would overlook. This is strength on other areas but a weakness also. Because you see the trees rather than the forest. No matter what i do , i cannot escape the cravings and the suffering associated with them. It's a very annoying feature that cannot be avoided.

I don't know about God's gender. But i know for sure God is a nutcase.

@Yeah Yeah Lol

@SBB4746 Lol that is funny Meth turns you into a devil.

@Wilhelm44 Actually the last months, thats what i've been doing. I stop caffeine for weeks or even a month, then i get back to it. And this whole cycle basically. The good thing is that if i don't drink coffee i don't experience any withdrawls. My body is not dependent on it which is a good thing. The thing that makes me go back to coffee is usually when i had a bad night of sleep and i need something to keep me going. But once i drink coffee then i love the buzz it gives me. And i keep chasing that buzz the next days. Until i stop again. Basically i am drinking coffee now just because i am an addict and i love getting high lol. But i will take a pause again. I want to use this drug as a tool. And i really don't need it for energy. I have tons of energy without it. If coffee didn't have all these health benefits people talk about i would probably never drink again to be honest....It has made my life more difficult in some ways, especially when quitting it. The good thing is that i can keep my dosage under control. But it is still an attachment. It creates suffering if i don't have it the first few days. A lot of suffering in my neck area which is really annoying. I can't make it go away. And is torturing me so that i give in to the craving. lol. In general caffeine is easy to quit. Once you get through 2-3 days, you realize that you don't even need it. Because you have tons of energy without it (in my case). Last thing is that its best to drink coffee after 90 mins since you wake up. Because when you wake up you have tons of cortisol. Its best to wait your cortisol drops, then raise it back again with coffee.

@SBB4746 I will never try meth in this incarnation. Even though i would like to know what it's all about and its the drug that has intrigued me the most besides 5-meo. I just know it will ruin my life for good if i try it. lol. And i am scared of consequences. I have already done a LOT of stupid sh*t....

@EntheogenTruthSeeker Yes i think acceptance is the final stage we reach after lots of suffering. My mindset is that i will be trying to do the best i can , even though i don't have any control. Lol. Nobody can tell you how to live when you have no free will. It's a tricky issue. You can pretend you have control and that may be very useful. Or you can have another attitude towards life. The truth of no freel will does not tell you how you should live your life. We have to figure ourselves. Generally i do my best to stay optimistic and not feeling like a victim of determistic mechanistic laws. But it's difficult at times.

@EntheogenTruthSeeker It's really sad that if i were to remove your prefrontal cortex you would no longer be able to control your impulses. This is really scary (Phineas Gage example). The disturbing thing is that you can know that X is a poor decision, yet you don't have the machinery to control yourself from doing X.

@Wilhelm44 I can relate with caffeine addiciton. My sleep has suffered the last days and i was feeling my head like it was eroding. This made me scared and i stopped caffeine so i can get deeper sleep. I think caffeine is more like an attachment rather than an addiction. A true addiction you can't stop it so easily. I just wish caffeine didn't have that long of a half-life.

@SBB4746 Yes i tend to agree. People who haven't tried these type of drugs can't really comprehend the level and type of extreme euphoria we are talking about. I can comprehend because mdma is similar to meth i heard. I took once a bunch of pills (i think it was ritalin) and then began masturbating. It was better than if i was to have sex with 10 super models. Lol. I totally agree with the sex part. All the documentaries i've watched basically say the same thing ''Sex on meth is beyond this world.''.

This guy Patrick has been extremely lucky and benefited from the system. He is a winner in the system therefore he is ok with it. He wouldn't say the same thing if he was at the bottom.

@PepperBlossoms Ahahaha ours brains work the same.

@vizual That's a good explanation.

@ZenSwift That's solid advice. I agree.