ivory

Sorry to hear what you're going through man. I can relate to your troubles, the panic, and the overwhelm. Life can be really hard at times. In times like these it's an opportunity to learn how to prioritize, be patient, and resilient. The thing I learned from my breakdown was that change, both internal and external, happens really slowly. In tough times it can feel like you're sinking in quicksand, and you are in a sense. As with quicksand, the way out is to move slowly and steadily. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it's hard work, and again, patience. The key is to learn to balance acceptance with commitment. Accept yourself and your situation, like if you were in quicksand, but resolve to push through at a steady. You will fall down, but do get back. Resilience is everything in these types of situations. Hang in there bud.

Sounds like some combination of depression and spiritual bypassing. Don't hesitate to get professional help if things get too dark.

@Hellspeed Care to bless us with your wisdom? What is growth then?

I highly recommend this book: Models. I started approaching women 8 or 9 years ago. I wish I had that book sooner. It really changed my life.

I was diagnosed with OCD as a child. I've had to learn how to pace myself as opposed to making many changes at once. I've also had depression. With depression you really have to learn what your needs and values are. Know thyself, as Socrates said. By that I mean, what makes you feel healthy, happy, and alive? In my opinion this is the first step on the actualization journey. The second step is to commit. Make commitments to that which you value so you feel healthy, happy, and alive.

In my experience growth happens by making a commitment and not shying away from the challenges. Just show up for the thing you want to accomplish. Growth happens on its own. For example, I find that by going to yoga I naturally become less lazy and physical changes take place on automatically. By taking music classes, I learn to take on challenges and grow as a musician. I also have relationship commitments to friends and loved ones. I'm committed to seeing through challenges or conflict that may cause fear or pain because I want to have friends and healthy relationships with my family. By not shying away from the challenges I face as I make these commitments I continue to grow strong, my belief in my abilities increases, and my fear decreases. Growth is a huge topic though, there's so much we could discuss on the topic.

I've gone through stages like this. These days I don't really judge people for their level of development. I enjoy making small talk and joking around with them. I will, however, state my opinion if I disagree with the things people are saying. Or, I'll call them out for being unkind. For people who have problems I empathize with them. For people who are toxic or highly negative I just avoid them. It took me a while to get to this stage though. Regarding your current judgements, just notice them and see if you are guilty of the same thing you criticize others for (projection). Don't make a big deal out of it though like you are doing now. Over time you believe your judgements less and less. As you develop yourself further you will have fewer judgements.

The authentic parts of your personality require zero effort to uphold. An inauthentic motive leads to struggle. You've heard the term "try-hard"? If you feel yourself trying hard (struggling) it is often because your motives must be examined.

How many lifestyle changes do you try to make at the same time. Just one?

@Joseph Maynor I'm looking at your schedule thinking how are you balancing acceptance? I think you're being hard on yourself with all of these commitments.

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I went through years of depression and it was one hell of a time. I don't claim to know how to help yo but depression can manifest for a number of different reasons: self-esteem, needs not being met, traumatic life events, health reasons, etc. If you don't know what's depressing you it can be really difficult to treat. This book may be a good starting point but I would highly recommend getting help from a good therapist. Lastly, be careful about the advice you follow. Pick solid references. Best of luck. Keep us posted.

5'10" is plenty

Are you still under the care of your parents?

Has anyone here experienced severe depression, mania, or other side effects while on the spiritual path? There's a whole bunch of research being done on the topic. I personally believe that contemplative practices can lead to various types of side effects that resemble depression and other mental health disorders. Here's one such article on the topic. Common terminology include dark night, dispassion and disenchantment, dukkha-nanas, etc. It is believed that insight into impermanence, no-self, and suffering can lead to such issues, and that these issues are considered a normal and even expected occurrence. Modern psychology professionals aren't trained to recognize the challenges that contemplatives encounter and often diagnose spiritual practitioners with mental health disorders, when in fact, practitioners have merely arrived at a crossroad on the path.

@kingroboto I disagree with the notion that we don't need relationships. We need relationships in the same way we need food. To be completely obsessed with food is unhealthy. To never eat is also unhealthy. You should eat but you should also be happy when you are not eating. There is a huge difference between isolation and solitude. Relationships play a key role on the spiritual path. Growth, joy, love, challenge, exchanges of ideas, opportunity to name a few.

I second what Dan said. Take your time and don't fall into the trap of overloading yourself. As for what to read, pick books that address your immediate challenges.

First of all, humans are social creatures and we need a sense of belonging for a basic level of mental health. You're not crazy. The emotional body is trying to tell you something. Isolation is very unhealthy and the idea that a person shouldn't need others is just plain wrong. Second, you said something about life purpose. From where I sit, it's obvious that your immediate purpose is to get this handled. We all need friends and social skills are super important. Do you not see this work as part of your life's purpose? Lastly, consider getting help from a mental health professional. I did years of therapy and I highly recommend it, especially to people who suffer from isolation. Isolation is a modern-day epidemic and this is well known in the mental health industry.

I've personally experienced benefits from marijuana from very occasional use with the intention of self-exploration. But I found that frequent use led to diminishing returns, lack of motivation, brain fog and just plain stupidity. Marijuana is not meant to be smoked regularly. Sounds like you have an addictive personality. If I were you I'd stay away from it. The cons outweigh the pros by a long shot.

I experienced this as well. There comes a time on the spiritual path when you have to let go of teachings for a while and really come to know yourself through direct experience. Confusion arises because you don't know yourself (values, challenges, etc). There is no one size fits all in spirituality and that is why there is so much contradiction. Once you know yourself you can use discernment to pick the right teacher, books, etc. Then stuff will make sense because you have insight. I second what @winterknight says regarding therapy.

@Bauer1977

I made a commitment to lie in bed for 8 hours every night no matter what. I also found deep breathing very helpful.

I experience excitement too. It feels like a zest for life that I think comes from doing the work. I think this is a good thing. I no longer experience the sleeplessness though. I trained myself to sleep which is one of the best things I've ever done. I think you are on the right track with meditation and exercise to try and mellow you out but it sounds like you need to train yourself to sleep too.

It's all about taking action, pacing, and refining.

For those of you who have been at this some time I'm curious to hear what's helped you, what practices and/or systems you've adopted, and any theories you subscribe to. I'll start with what helped me. I've had three different therapists and have a background in Zen. The system that resonated with me the most comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). The three basic tenants are: Be present, Open up (to physical and emotional discomfort), Do what matters (have a value system). To elaborate... 1. Get clear on your values in the following areas: Relationships Health Career Growth (emotional development) Education Finances Recreation (or leisure) Spirituality 2. Know your challenges in each of the above areas paying particular attention to fear, complacency, and negative self-talk. 3. Know how you distract yourself from achieving your goals and adhering to your commitments (youtube, mind-numbing activities, etc) 4. Journal daily documenting what you did well, what you learned, and what you can improve on. Compare notes to the previous day. 5. Rehearse any difficult emotions you experienced each day and feel them fully. 6. Meditate daily Lastly, my Zen teacher would repeat over and over again. "See all of life's challenges as the path." This was a game changer for me.

I spent a good deal of time doing nothing but working and working out. Life felt totally empty and meaningless. I personally need a variety of relationships, creativity, and play. This will always be a priority for me. You need to find out what works for you and make a commitment.