kag101

I love writing down insights or powerful words that are like pointers to what I want in life. So I decided to choose 10 words/phrases that are sorta like my principles/intentions. For this month: 10 WORDS TO LIVE BY MAY 2020 1- Equanimity That's a very important word to me, because I am often worried about the future. I get anxious by trying to solve everything at once and live a problem-free life, but that's unrealistic. I also tend to get carried away by other people's problems. So equanimity, to me, basically says: nothing is permanent. Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Most problems that I worried the shit out of me 10 years ago mean nothing right now, so I don't need to worry about today's problems. And chances are, everything is going to be alright. I will eventually find a meaning behind bad stuff that happens to me, and I overexaggerate my mistakes. 2- Deliberate imperfection I am freaking perfectionist. And I am actively trying to overcome this by doing things imperfectly intentionally. I often use too much energy on small things, so I am making small mistakes on purpose. 3- Self-negotiation The ability to know when I can press the pedal, when I should take away my feet from it, and when I should press the break. This is very useful to motivate me to do stuff I don't want to. For example, I have to have a difficult conversation. Self-negotiation would be to, for example, set a predetermined amount of time that I will be having the conversation. And after that, I will allow myself to end the conversation. 4- Calculated risks I always want to play it safe. I don't want to be criticized, scolded, rejected, etc. I also don't want to make mistakes. If I do, I feel dumb and ashamed. So, again, I am deliberately taking strategic and calculated risks. This is very useful for letting go of fear, and to be courageous to try something that I am not used to, and accepting if I don't get good results. This has to be done in moderation, though. 5- Baby-steps If I manage to take a little bit of action everyday or every week, then I will eventually experience the snowball effect. 6- Realistic expectations Truth is: I often think I will have better results that I actually will. The fact that many self-help books tell that "You need big goals" kind of adds to that. So it's important to be very modest about my expectations. If I am jumping ahead of myself, I want to remind myself that, "Hey... let's slow down. You're doing fine. You will not conquer the world overnight." 7- Cooperation Finding the right people to help me is key. Because I was so shy since I was 10, I adopted the strategy of trying to figure things out by my own. And I also wouldn't trust people, because I simply thought that everybody was full of shit. And today, I clearly see how some problems simply cannot be overcome by oneself. The right help is pivotal. 8- Playfulness What's the point of developing myself so much if I don't have a stress-relief kinda thing? 9- Creativity Doing various activities, talking with various types of people, and trying new things even if I suck at it. These things help increase my creativity. 10- Detox It's so freaking important to have a time-out every once in a while. In my case, for example, it's mainly from socializing. I need some alone time to find myself again. Another thing would be doing a certain activity or focusing too much on a problem -- in which case, I should distract myself with something else. 11- Self-development "The secret is not to run after the butterflies -- but to take care of your garden so they come to you." - Mario Quintana Self-development is not about isolating myself and meditating in search of enlightenment and supreme liberation. No. It's simply living life knowing that I am doing things to develop myself, and that no human, no object, no activity will ultimately fulfill me. 12- Rational Optimism Over the past two years, I've hate positive thinking. It's so toxic the way it is promoted. That's why I like the phrase rational optimism. That is, I have a reason to believe that things will get better. 13- Life Purpose This ties to number 11. I have a life purpose already written down. And it really inspires me. So that's it. This list is in no particular order.

Fucking Tendonitis - break from piano My shoulder was aching yesterday, and I didn’t know why. I thought it was because of my mattress, but it turns out I am 99% sure it’s because of my piano playing. The thing is, the keys of my piano are very stiff. It requires too much strength to press them. Thus, I get easily tired. The technician already came here and he managed to smoothen a little bit, but it’s still too heavy. A solution to that problem would be to buy a keyboard. A decent one from yamaha costs about $400. I think it’s a worth-while investment. This will probably allow me to practice longer and without worrying any pain will come back. I went to the orthopedist last month, and the results of my exam were that I have a little bit of tendonitis on my wrist and shoulders. But anyway… I will have to take a break from playing the piano. Finances One of the things I have been talking in therapy is my financial life. I have a hard time with money. I freak out that there won’t be enough, and I also have a hard time being clear with my dad about it. Here’s the problem: I have to pay several things throughout the month, and I end up having to ask my dad to transfer to my account like 4, 5 times a month. The idea is to calculate how much I spend so that he will only need to transfer money to my account once a month. I fear that he tells me that I spend too much I do plan to get financially independent from my family, but now it’s not the time. So I have to babystep my way out of the “family nest”. Goal: I will try to call him tomorrow to talk specifically about that. And I can plan to talk for like 10-15 minutes maximum. So it’s like: “Ok, it will be 10-15 minutes of uncomfortable feelings. After that, I will make an excuse to end the conversation.” If it goes terrible, I can vent about it with my therapist, lol . Brainstorming to-do lists One thing that’s been helping me come up with fun and productive stuff to do during my day is to force myself to come up with 20 different activities for my day. It can be simple things, and also stuff that I will probably not do. It’s a no-filter kind of thing. I don't bother to complete all tasks, not even the majority. I try to complete the most important ones. And if I want to procrastinate, I negotiate with myself to either half-ass or set a predetermined amount of time to focus on that activity. The actual objective of this exercise is to put my mind in a creative and productive mode. I think one of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling life is to have various activities and hobbies. For example: play the piano, date, play video games, walk the dog, work, play soccer, etc. That is, not put all eggs in one basket. Anyway, thanks for reading. Feel free to write a comment. I hope that by the next time I write here (hopefully tomorrow), I will have had that difficult conversation with my dad.

how are you right now? do you feel lighter?

Is that a good thing? Keep in mind that it is important to have critical thinking! I know you didn't ask, but I think you are indeed tricking yourself.

That's what I was going to ask: do you have any evidence that they are thinking that you're using your "mental health as an excuse"? I do admit that when i was depressed and unproductive, I would have the same fear of yours. I think you should take it more easy on yourself. You've gone through a lot, man...

That's great! I went through something similar in psychoanalysis. It takes time to heal sexuality...

But do you feel like you're improving with this topic? That is, do you feel like you're in the process of accepting your sexuality?

Happy belate birthday!! Congrats for Actualized.org!

My two cents: 1) I agree that watching spirituality videos can become a huge source of indirect procrastination for taking action. In my case, I’d often “spiritualize” my depression and social anxiety. That is, I’d think that those things were just an “ego backlash”. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I spent 10 years on the road of self-help. After I finally sought proper treatment, I now see how all of the books, videos, and workshops I had consumed were in a way not only a waste of time, but also in some cases detrimental to my growth and mental health Because my psychology was so weak, I would believe everything I read. And spirituality can be particularly dangerous in this case, as it promotes the idea that “everything is exactly how it should be”. All in all, I was overdosing myself with self-help stuff as an attempt to subconsciously self-medicate my untreated depression. That obviously didn’t work. 3) I think you’re being a little extreme. Those new habits you want to implement in your life are quite neurotic in my opinion. Too rigid and too many all at once. As Leo himself says, don’t try to change too many things at once; it’s not going to work. Focus on one thing. 2) I understand that you must be worried about the direction of your life, but that rigid approach you’re taking will not be effective and sustainable long-term. Speaking from my personal experience, I wish I had gone the traditional route before. I would have prevented a lot of suffering. I am a huge advocate of science. Psychology and psychiatry is what saved my ass. My life feels so good right now, as opposed to hell I lived in for 14 years. It’s expensive but it’s worth it. Here’s my experience in greater detail:

Hmm... anyway, I don't think what you're experiencing is healthy.

Yea, I know. I was exaggerating on purpose. Here's my point: this model implies that being left-wing ("green") is superior to being right-wing ("orange").

I completely think it is a good idea. Self-development is not supposed to be a grim duty. I often take breaks from my affirmations and visualization habits. I tend to get quite neurotic sometimes, so I end up doing way too much. And instead of helping me, it actually makes me feel more stressed and confused. So then, I take a break. It might last a few days or a few weeks. In your case, because you've been working on yourself so diligently for 3 years, I think it would actually be an interesting challenge to not do any personal develoment work for like a month. I had a moment of my life where I was addicted to PD, and I simply couldn't stop it. Shut up.

Well, first of all, this depends on person-to-person. I personally have adapted really well with psychoanalysis as well, but some people might benefit more from meditation. Did you tell that to your therapist? What did he/she said?

Hva you been taking psychedelics, Mister?

Cool! But like, does she make interesting observations or questions once in a while? I've had therapists who would nod their head and fake empathy. I personally like free-association therapy. there's an app that helps me a lot and they use some concepts of CBT to identify inconsistencies in negative thoughts. it's really interesting. it's called Moodtools. best of luck!

No, I didn't read the books. I've seen Leo's videos about it, and I did some research online as well. I mean, it's kinda interesting. But people here take it to an extreme. They start categorizing people, and I don't think it's in a healthy way. I also don't like that it's like if I want to be "green", I have to vote for Bernie Sanders, not really care about money, be a hippie, and go to ayahuasca ceremonies.

That's good to hear. With me, it has been the opposite. I am more anxious now.

woooow! you're so fucking awake, man! do you want a trophy?

I don't like SD, because I don't think it is accurate and people take it way too seriously.

3:43 PM Lactose intolerant? Lately I have been having flatulence. It's really annoying and unpleasant. I did a test and stopped drinking soda, but I had that problem either way. So I am 95% sure that it is due to dairy, unfortunately. That sucks. I don't know how much dairy will I have to cut to get better. For example, I have noticed in the past that ice cream is terrible for me. It messes up with my digestive system. And also, before I turned vegan, I was a vegetarian. But the thing was, I was consuming A LOT of cheese and things like that, and it was terrible for my digestion and everything. Anyway, cutting dairy is a pain-in-the-ass, but I'm sure "I will survive". I mean I was a hardcore vegan for 4-fucking-years, reducing 80% of the dairy I consume won't be the end of the world. Intention: So, in the next following days, I will avoid dairy as much as I can. And I will try not to be extremist. To succeed in this, I will go to the market tomorrow and buy other types of milk (almond, soy, cashew, etc.) They're pretty expensive though. Sleeping pill There is one medication that I was originally using as an antipsychotic, but because it has a very potent sedative effect, it has helped me regulate my sleep as well. I am at a very low dosage, so in this case this med acts only as sleeping inducing. Yeah, I know... it's not good to depend on a medication to fall asleep. But truth to be told, I have never woken up past noon after I started using it. A lot of my friends, especially during this quarantine period, have been waking up at like 3 pm. Sorry, but to me that's not life. There was a time that I would wake up at 5 pm. And that's simply depressing. Another benefit from this med is that I can control what time will I fall asleep. I really don't get sleepy without it. So if one day I need to be awaken till late night, I don't need coffee for example. "Let's stop it" My psychiatrist wants me to stop it. He suggested that I don't use it some days of the week. At first, I thought I definitely needed to that. But I had resistance. As a self-help junkie, what do I told myself? "You're being complacent and lazy! You need to change this habit NOW!" Fortunately, I am getting vaccinated against these types of neurotic thoughts thanks to psychotherapy. Truth is, I was spending so much energy on this, that I was not focusing on things that are more important. Negotiating with him He also recommended a series of sleep hygiene recommendations. So we decided that, for now, I will continue with the medication, but I will focus on implementing those new sleeping habits. Basically, there are two that I need to improve: 1) Use bed only to sleep I tend to spend too much time in my room, and I am often laying down. So over the last few weeks, I have been avoiding not only laying on my bed during the day, but also to not be in my room. I love my room and everything. It is my "sacred space". But if I spend too much time there, it can turn into something toxic. When I stay there for too long, I start getting negative and repetitive thoughts. So I am limiting as much as I can how much time I spend there. But, again, nothing extreme. If I manage to reduce the time I am in my room by 50% during this first month, that's already good enough. It is a process, so it should be gradual. I shouldn't demonize my room. 2) Dim the lights 2 hours before sleeping. I have never taken this much in consideration, especially because they say you "shouldn't" use your phone or laptop 2 hours before sleeping. Well, at least where I'm at right now, this is just too unrealistic. But, again, I can adapt it as a "harm reduction" type of thing. So here's what I'm doing: a) Dim the lights, in fact I want to buy an adapter so that I can control the brightness of the light in my room. b) I avoid using electronic devices, but sometimes I do use them. In that case, I make sure the brightness is low and the content I am consuming is light. So instead of watching a horror movie, I watch a sitcom or something like that.

Care to elaborate on that?

Yes, meditation can help quiet the mind. But in some cases, especially when done excessively, it can lead to the opposite. So you're saying "not attached to any outcome"? I don't care what you say. Nobody should want to die. End of story. How can someone cut attachment to happiness? And why would it be beneficial to do that? That's great, man!! ??? I hope it's a good therapist. Best of luck, and keep us posted!!

what did you get from this video besides thinking Leo is awesome? haha

Haha, that's a classic. I tried that technique with a girl once, but it didn't really work, lol.

I agree with her.