flowboy

I am responsible for doing what can be done from my side to keep the attraction alive. All this time I've been blaming her for being needy and living out her trauma stuff on me, and at no point did I consider politely but firmly leaving to take time for myself. Even though I have felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and not be touched, for the past two days at least. Sometimes I'm very sweet and giving and caring and comforting. Other times, I feel disgusted by emotionality and I want nothing to do with it. Then I sometimes still try to give, to comfort, but that leads to giving what I don't have. That doesn't feel real to her anyways. And all the while, I'm thinking that I'm scoring points with her. I'm not, and also that is manipulative. I'm pretending to care, thinking that if I just act the part, she'll leave me alone after that and I still get to play Perfect Boyfriend. I'm so scared to be heartless, to be a heartless bastard, a cold psychopath. I'm not those things at all, but I'm also not ready to comfort someone all the time. I must not pretend to be . Who am I being a good boy for, anyway? Mommy? Dad? Feels like dad stuff. He doesn't do the exact same thing, even though maybe he does. But I've seen him be too nice to strangers all day, and then scream at us, or let his emotions out at home, and being a total victim. Complaining about the people he did not stand up to that day. And I'm sure he also is too nice to my mom when he doesn't want to, and then also THAT builds up resentment, and where does that go? I don't know, but I have to own this behavior and stop it. Or maybe I conditioned myself with this. Back when I was a desperate, lonely teenager, feeling unworthy of having a girlfriend. I would read online about how you're supposed to treat a girl. And I would read that you're always supposed to make time for her. And now I've got a "Childhood Vow". "I should always be nice and ready to comfort my partner and provide her whatever she needs at any moment" That may work for unconscious, robot-like relationships, where superficial tokens of commitment are the currency. It doesn't work at the level that we're playing at. If I wasn't so god damn exhausted, I would do my exercise on this.

Good question. In my opinion and experience, having seen many people including myself heal their trauma and thereby upleveling their development, inner work and getting to the root is the only thing that resolves it for good. Getting to the root could involve psychedelics, it could involve psychotherapy, or different healing modalities such as Primal therapy, ERT, or IFS. It is possible to learn to do by yourself even. Whatever healing modality is used, it has to involve questioning the trigger, finding an unhealed part in oneself that is stuck in the past, and processing the pain it wants to show us, so going through old memories and stories that were buried and suppressed - usually people don't remember the actual things that still hold them back today, unless they are trained to do so. Here's some examples of things I consider to be surface level: Cognitive behavioral therapy Replacing good thoughts with bad thoughts "Pushing through" "Overwhelming the thinking mind" Positive thinking Meditating problems away All these are a little bit effective, but they are a band-aid: if you stop applying them, you're back to square one. Especially when stressed or tired or when life isn't going so well, one typically doesn't have the willpower to consistently apply this thought-replacing trick on themselves for example, and will still end up spiraling. Better to address the root of it so that it never comes back, and no extra tricks have to be applied in order to feel good day-to-day. See also my reply here: I'll release a video on this in a few days.

There is a condition called pica - the compulsion to eat inedible things. That label is applied to people who can't help doing it.

@Javfly33 Yes you can do that. But better not in the first 3 months, I'd say. And if you find yourself taking it multiple times per week again, you've screwed up.

If you regularly think that, then you probably have. I understand your fear. Giving up the sense of belonging and connection, just to develop yourself... doesn't seem like a good deal sometimes. Is that an absolute fact, that you can know for sure? The friends you need will show up when you are ready. Ready to become your authentic, developed self. You have to take the first scary step though, and just trust that the rest will fall into place.

How does that paradigm make you feel? Thank you

From the day of going zero (also without the tea) = T0, 7 days of bad performance, after that you'll perform okay but it will still suck a bit, until 30 days in then you're fine. And between 40-70 days from T0, you'll achieve the awesome state.

The only relevant piece of information here is: you only had 1 number. If going out and meeting 5 girls gets you 1 number, then next time meet 20 so you get 4. The next day, do the same so you have 8. You don't need more courses, you need more experience. Real success is boring.

I'm sorry, you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, nor can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You can either be completely okay with the way she is now, and love her just the same, and if you can't, just get out of the relationship. If you choose option A and stay, then what you can do, is: Inspire her by taking your own advice, meditating your ass off, going to therapy yourself, and becoming more and more calm and mentally strong (or whatever is the opposite that you want to see in her) All else will fail. All the best!

@Lyubov I don't see a lot of helpful responses here so far, so let me jump in. The overall, long-term strategy here is: praise what you want to see more of in your partner. Want her to dress in lingerie? Then compliment her when she does, make her feel sexy, bring it up and say you think she would look so sexy in X Y Z, then when she's on board (NOT BEFORE), you take the initiative and take her shopping, of course you pay. Alternatively, you can challenge/inspire her to buy more sexy lingerie, just make her feel not judged but encouraged. For outfits, public sex, and other kinky stuff, you basically follow the same sequence: 1. Praise the quality you want to see more of (praise her adventurousness, praise her lustfulness, praise her and encourage her to fantasize about multiple people, et cetera) 2. Make her feel encouraged and not judged when she gets a little freaky, or does a little something like flash you in public, just give it tons of appreciation. 3. Fantasize about it together, just talk about fantasies, you can initiate this. Wait with step 4 until you get signs from her that she'd be into exploring it, otherwise you come off pushy and controling. 4. Initiative. Now you do the hard work and take the initiative to make it happen, whatever it is. You've got permission from her now. Don't expect her to do the work to make it happen for you (although she might, if she's really awesome) Involve her in it as much as you can: look for parties together, look for outfits together, look for threesome-worthy girls together. Or preferably one of her friends because she already trusts a friend, so less competition vibe. Competition ruins threesomes and lives, so make sure she feels safe and knows beyond a doubt that you'd never leave her for another girl, even though you had sex with another girl and her. 5. Release expectations. Make sure there is no pressure on the situation. Nothing has to happen. Let her know that you are completely cool if nothing happens tonight. It's all about her feeling safe and exploring adventure together, not about goals. Good luck!

It's not, you're right. Whether something can be improved in the way you communicated it, or not, either way you need friends to communicate with you, so that you can find out, talk it through and both learn from the situation. you are outgrowing your current friends. Because you tolerated it. Up until now. You kept friendships in your life where this pattern occurred: they punish you for expressing your feelings. The so-called: "Fuck you for hurting me by telling me how I hurt you"-dynamic. And you haven't called them out on it, and you let them come back and accepted this behavior. So far. But now you're becoming aware, and it's very hard to un-see it. Congratulations. You just found out your standards for friendship. Now go out and find the friendships you deserve!?

I've cut out coffee and gone back to it about 6 times. This time it's for good. Not because I'll never drink it again, but because I know I won't need it anymore. The addictive impulse is diminished so much that the costs don't outweigh the benefits anymore. That was because of emotional processing and trauma release, which I can highly recommend for fixing addiction permanently. Back to the issue at hand: Quitting Coffee. I've read books about this and experienced it firsthand: it takes 40-70 days, counted from the moment you quit all caffeine, tea and coffee, to feel awesome again. But at the end, you feel awesome. And I mean awesome: as sharp and productive as you are with coffee, with zero side effects, and on-demand energy all day long, until you go to bed. At which point you sleep great. Just painting a picture to give you some hope that it's worth it! It really is. I'm just at the end of the second month, and I'm having every day moments where I wonder: Oh my god, what the fuck did I take, how am I so sharp and do I feel so good! Of course it's not just quitting coffee, it's also optimized nutrition and enough sleep. I feel for you ? It really sucks the first time. If you have the option, it's better to take 7 days off to go cold turkey, that way the suffering is over faster. After 7 days, you'll be able to function fine again, but the feeling "awesome" takes 40-70 days. So a cold turkey quit is a good way to rip off the band-aid. Of course, if you can't take time off work, and can't afford to perform like shit for a week, that may not be an option. I know what that feels like. It's best to give your body as much sleep as it asks for, during the quitting/cutting down period. Even if that is 12 hours. So cool! If it helps, you can make a "countdown to awesome" spreadsheet or calendar, and just check off a box every day for 90 days, and write down how you feel, to see your progress. Good luck!

Believing in failure as a concept Believing that one's life is (or can be) ruined Never getting to the bottom of why one doesn't take his/her life seriously (I'm glad I did) Rather being right than being happy Not accepting advice that feels uncomfortable Not getting out of one's comfort zone Accepting limitation Not learning to take pleasure in suffering All mistakes I have personally made by the way. Stopping them un-ruined my life and made it awesome again.

Awesome work! You are really nailing the self-love strategies there, and I hope you keep it up! These are amazing habits to have, and they will keep you grounded, keep you open to opportunities to live fully, and prevent downward spirals. However, as you are correctly intuiting, the negative thoughts and self image you are experiencing still have a root in your subconscious. They are old pain, hurt that you couldn't fully process at some point. When the psyche can't fully process a painful event or circumstance (either because there is no time for it, or it feels like it has to suppress pain, or it is judged, or it hasn't matured enough to deal with it), it splits off a "part". This part is like a version of yourself when you were a certain age, and it is stuck in the past, repeating this painful story over and over again, reliving it and not finding a resolution. You probably have many of these split-off parts from different ages, but the collective of them is often referred to as your "inner child". What you have to do to permanently get rid of a certain aspect of your negative self-image, is to actually make time and space to have a conversation with this part. Make a safe place where you feel free to express yourself and won't be disturbed. Use blankets and pillows. Center yourself using breathing techniques until you are in an open, nonthinking state. Then ask: "When did I first feel like this?" What comes up next, you should feel fully. You can feel the presence of an entity such as a younger version of yourself. Listen to it like it is your own child, and fully feel and emote whatever it wants to show you and tell you about. It's in pain, and it needs you to listen and feel it. You may not get all of it in one session, but it's very effective if done correctly. Good luck!

Beautiful. Congratulations! I'm happy that your life is changing for the better. A little force is good to get started and break through patterns. In the long run, it's possible to remove the "against my self" part so that no force is needed to overcome an internal enemy.

And now we know why you have a YouTube habit! Same reason I did (do still sometimes): negative thought spirals are unpleasant. Is there a common theme in them?

When I was 12, I dated a bunch of jpegs

Yes, multiple. Yes. It worked because: We met in person regularly. In the first LDR we met every second weekend for 3 days, so we could spend time together. In the second LDR we met every 2 months for a couple weeks. We weren't long distance for ever, or indefinitely. It can work if it's for a limited time, and it is clear when the long distance period ends and you'll live close to each other. If there's no clear plan and date to look forward to when the distance goes away, then eventually both people will be looking for something better nearby. Because nearly everyone who has a partner wants to be able to see them regularly. Long distance is only tolerated when it's for a limited time. In my first LDR, neither of us wanted to move to the other person's country. So, it didn't last. We loved each other, but not enough to move. So that's going to fall apart then, it's just a matter of time. The second time I did LDR, after about 7 months I just moved, and now we live together. We couldn't have kept that long distance up for much longer. It was not making sense anymore and driving us crazy. If your girlfriend just made that decision to move to Russia, without involving you in that decision, what the hell is going on there? I'd suspect she doesn't love you enough. If you don't want to move with her, I'd say you don't love her enough. She's not the one you'd move to the end of the world for, so why not save you both some time and find the right one? If that's all wrong and this is real love, then you can make it work if you visit each other every couple months, I'd say at least every 2 months, in person, and decide together on where you will live together when she's done studying. That's a lot of flight tickets.

Yes, that could very well be. Either that, or there is something you want to get away from: some emotional state, a persistent thought pattern. Something in your own mind that you do not like. How do you feel when you sit and simply do nothing?

Talking subject: time. She sees me check out of spacetime reality, and that's when I start to forget about the time. It makes her feel like I don't want to be here. Don't want to be present. It started with an insight / idea: it's not that I am not capable of thinking about the time when I get into something, it's rather that I get so into it that I really want to finish it, and I know on some level that it's time to stop, but I just want to finish it, that seems more important than keeping up with the schedule. What is it like to come back to spacetime awareness? IT'S LIKE BEING BORN (omg) And that's also what I said in the motherly spaceholding questions exercise. I didn't ask to be born I'm not sure I want to even be here. Want to go back up the womb I think I want to try some breathwork to get into that. She got blankets, made a cosy space. I put on a blindfold. I wanted heartbeat noises, like you would hear inside the womb. The moment we put them on, I knew something was going to happen. I was already being guided to heal something. I start breathing. After a while, it hits. I start breathing faster. "They woke me up!" She says I started breathing faster the same way that a contraction goes. It was difficult for awhile. Then I started crying and screaming like a baby. An overwhelming sadness hit me. I knew whe'd found it. Why now already? Why did I have to come out already? It's not good, I was still working on something, I was still growing, I was still preparing myself for the world. Why couldn't I stay a little longer I was still working on something. I was still growing. I was unprepared for the world. The last piece was still being put together to be fully ready for life. And I did not understand why I could not finish developing and had to come out. It's not good. It's really not good. Why!!! Now we understand why I hate being woken up gently and lovingly. My girlfriend loves being woken up gently. To me it's this harsh and overwhelming experience of not being ready. But I never feel ready. It explains why I have felt like my life is all "for practice". I wrote that in my earlier diaries a lot. Why I couldn't enjoy experiences fully. Could not bring myself to participate fully.. Why people often commented on my lack of enthusiasm. I didn't get why I should feel enthusiastic about things other kids felt enthusiastic about. Overwhelming feeling: I'M NOT READY. She asks me what the tense spot on my right underbelly wants. "It wants me to go back inside and then do life properly" Because what I really want to do, is crawl back inside the womb, and finish my project. Finish my development. Then I can be ready for life. Then I can participate fully, and enjoy fully. It explains why I just did not get along with peers, couldn't read social cues very well, could only think logically but not feel into anything, or naturally be social. Moreso even, it explains why I sat beside the sandbox and watched other kids play. The "I'M NOT READY" permeates everything. Time to go to a party? I’m NOT READY. Friends inviting me to socialize? I’m NOT READY, I have to go home first and finish my 60 todo's. And I'm not ready to do that either, because I have to chill first. This is just the desire to crawl back inside the womb and finish growing. I am extremely detail-oriented. I remember taking the entire time for the exercise, only to write the first letter, in primary school. Ironically, I'm trying to make sure that it's really finished, that it's really done! That extreme detail-orientedness also indirectly causes many projects to be forever unfinished. But I am the real unfinished project. Today, I feel ready to fully participate and enjoy life. The tight spot in my right underbelly hasn't fully gotten the message yet. But it's starting to. We don't have to crawl back up and do everything over again. We're okay now.

Never gonna happen the exact way you envision it, but you can skillfully manipulate the conversation in a way that has the same effect. Instead, ask for the date in a way that the rejection is not awkward. So go more indirect: find something you both like to do, and together as you talk, start painting a picture of this fun day together, but in a joking way. Hypothetical. Create a fantasy. Fantasies are safe because they don't imply doing anything for real. Then if she's enthusiastic, you could say something like: "I'm pretty spontaneous. I've gone on spontaneous adventures with strangers before. It's awesome" This is your indirect close. Shut up after this. (notice how you don't ask the question, so there's nothing to reject directly. Don't even ask her directly how spontaneous she is) If she thinks about it and responds: "Ok!", or starts talking about how spontaneous she is, then you got her. Then play it like she is convincing you, or both of you are being convinced, and this spontaneous idea is falling out of the sky. "Ok... I guess we could really do that!" "I'm free saturday" Act surprised and like she is convincing you. If she waves it off after the indirect close, leave it alone. If she's in any way up for it, this strategy WILL work. You are safe from any awkwardness if you refrain from pushing it any further when she doesn't respond the way you want.

Shifted my mindset by a lot. I could suddenly see the game others were stuck in, and how to not get sucked in. I had to be told that some people read this book and then proceeded to make tens of millions with their successful ventures, before I could take it seriously.

Thank you, I appreciate that!?

@Vivaldo I think the one most effective thing you could do right now, to increase the chances of people connecting with you, is use a real photo of yourself as a profile pic. People love realness. Apart from that: phrasing your messaging not so much on your needs but on what might be interesting to others. Example: your topic name starts with "I need a buddy". That's all about you. Better to appeal to what might interest someone else, example: "Investigating Actualized.org topics together"